e: disordered

some dermatillomania things
  • bruises on your seatbones/knees from sitting on the tile floor for an hour+ in a weird contorted position to pick
  • sore knees from same thing
  • neck/back HURTING from leaning over the counter w ur back way arched to get up close next to the mirror
  • feet/legs going to sleep or all the way to numb
  • ur whole foot swelling
  • infections
  • cant shave ur legs/armpits without it leading to picking when it starts to grow back etc
  • irrational fears of wounds getting contaminated leading to more picking to “clean” them, a never-ending cycle so far for me
  • going through lotsa witch hazel/rubbing alcohol to sanitize tweezers, pins, nail clippers, etc to avoid infection
  • being a kid who’s spending their allowance on bandaids and coverstick makeup
  • when ur face gets mad and swells a ton around a wound
  • when derma and tritch combine bc of ingrown-ish hairs (see shaving thing)
  • when ur trying to see where ur picking but the damn spot is bleeding and u wipe away the blood so u can see but its bleeding too quick. annoying.
  • bloodstained shirts, inside of bras, towels, bedsheets, etc
  • Needing to pick when ur super stressed. u know it’ll make u feel better short term and worse long term
  • coming to appreciate how calm dissociating is
  • a teacher joking that ur a drug addict bc of scar spots on arms lololol
  • trying to quit for years and years
  • feeling ugly/gross/unclean!!!
  • how much of your TIME while you dissociate+pick this steals from you!

Stop linking people to gender identity disorder criteria. Trans people are not mentally ill for being trans. GID is not real; dysphoria is real, but not an illness, and not a requirement to be trans.

Mentally ill trans people are beautiful. But they aren’t mentally ill for being trans.

Sometimes, after I’ve done something that was literally out of my control, an impulsive answer to my negative mood that appeared when something relatively small and unimportant happened, well, I’m just lost. I feel like a child in the fog, a pointless search for a way out or just for an answer why. Why did I do that, why am I like this. I just no longer know whether it’s still me or my disorder. But am I not this in some degree? Or is it just a matter of my attitude, as some say? You think you’re disordered, then you are. That makes me feel like I’m not valid, especially when I’m mostly self-diagnosed. But I believe I’m objective enough, looking into my past and seeing how unstable from my early years I still am. But even with all these quarrels with myself almost every day, I believe I can be better. I search for a “why” and try to block the impulse next time it arises, getting better and better at it over time. When I can’t find a source, I just wait till it passes. That times are hard, but I’ve come to believe that the strong will and someone’s hand is the best way to survival, and then to actually living. I am fighting with myself and I will need to for a long time, especially in the next few months, but I can do that. I can control myself and I can be strong. “When there’s will, there’s possibility.” My disorder and illness don’t define me, they try to interfere with the true me, but there always is a way out. Sometimes that will is near enough, sometimes not. You gotta do what you gotta do, you need to find yourself and fight for yourself. I hope I’ll be alright, and I hope you will be, too. Stay strong.


Girls S06E02 (Hostage Situation)

Book title: The New Handbook of Cognitive Therapy Techniques (1999) by Rian E. McMullin and Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR)