Sometimes, after I’ve done something that was literally out of my control, an impulsive answer to my negative mood that appeared when something relatively small and unimportant happened, well, I’m just lost. I feel like a child in the fog, a pointless search for a way out or just for an answer why. Why did I do that, why am I like this. I just no longer know whether it’s still me or my disorder. But am I not this in some degree? Or is it just a matter of my attitude, as some say? You think you’re disordered, then you are. That makes me feel like I’m not valid, especially when I’m mostly self-diagnosed. But I believe I’m objective enough, looking into my past and seeing how unstable from my early years I still am. But even with all these quarrels with myself almost every day, I believe I can be better. I search for a “why” and try to block the impulse next time it arises, getting better and better at it over time. When I can’t find a source, I just wait till it passes. That times are hard, but I’ve come to believe that the strong will and someone’s hand is the best way to survival, and then to actually living. I am fighting with myself and I will need to for a long time, especially in the next few months, but I can do that. I can control myself and I can be strong. “When there’s will, there’s possibility.” My disorder and illness don’t define me, they try to interfere with the true me, but there always is a way out. Sometimes that will is near enough, sometimes not. You gotta do what you gotta do, you need to find yourself and fight for yourself. I hope I’ll be alright, and I hope you will be, too. Stay strong.