Therapy today was intense and awesome.
We decided to start on processing my gender issues. I explained to her some of my feelings, both internal and external, as well as thoughts I’ve been having for some time now.
I can’t say enough how awesome it is to be with my therapist. She knew me at my worst and knows me now at my best.
She said it is interesting to see, now, my gender confusions. It came as no surprise to her that I don’t like to be feminine. I dressed like a boy when she first met me, and I’ve always acted like “one of the guys”. Sure, a shallow observation, but to tell her that I don’t really feel female came as no shock to her (almost as little shock as my coming out was).
She was the first person who talked to me about my eating disorder. She was the first one who ever brought it up to me. She is the one who sent me to treatment in Florida for it. She is the one who talked to my parents about it. My eating disorder was always abundantly clear to her, even though I fought her on it because I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem with food.
She says it’s interesting to see my gender dysphoria now because it’s clicking more for her. Part of my therapy had been trying to pin point what stressors were causing the obsessive control over my food and body weight. What happens when you get thinner? Your boobs get smaller and so do your hips…the biggest things I still want to reduce. So there’s the possibility that my subconscious was trying to deal with those anxieties through obsessive control. I’m not sure that it was the sole reason for my anxiety focusing on food, but it makes sense that it would contribute to it.
We spoke a lot about intimate details of my dysphoria (sex, nudity, etc) and how I mentally connect with my penis. So it is a facet we are going to process more, for sure. I spoke to her about the panic attacks I’ve had when Becs has touched my chest when we are just being kids and playing around, while just 12 hours earlier while we were having sex it didn’t phase me. She brought up a valid point and something to consider. Most of the time that it has caused severe anxiety has been when I’m not expecting it or it catches me off guard. There is the possibility that it has nothing to do with dysphoria and more to do with body memories from past abuse.
If this is the case, which it may very well be considering my abuse history, it could be overlapping with my dysphoria to create a confusing gray area. So that will be another topic to process.
All in all, therapy is going extremely well. I’ve always had high respect for this therapist, and she proves it time and time again. I like the approaches she takes and that she is able to analyze things in a way sometimes I don’t see. I’ve had too many therapists that weren’t able to do that for whatever reason. I feel completely safe and at ease with her.
I’m not going to see her for another 3 weeks or so because she’s going to be gone to do a training directly under Marsha Linehan. I’m excited for her. I know that doing this training is like a dream come true for her. So over the next 3 weeks, in between work, school, and home life, I’m going to try to process my own cluster fuck of thoughts to bring to the session.