That night. That thrilling consuming night. The reality of it all hit me hard the next morning. I had never been close to another person in my life, and all of a sudden I felt like I had gone so far so quickly with you, and it scared the shit out of me.
I didn’t know how I should feel. Hell I really didn’t know how I felt. And I had no idea how you felt. The idea of you not being into me scared me, but the idea that you were into me also terrified me. I had no idea what to do, and I was afraid whatever had happened the night before might happen again but go even farther. I didn’t know if I was ready to go any farther. I was so confused about everything and I was afraid to even see you. We did end up being alone again at one point, but I didn’t mention what had happened and neither did you. I assumed that you were never actually into me and that I didn’t actually feel anything for you, it just happened in the moment and meant nothing. At least that’s what I tried to tell myself.
You left but your presence was everywhere. All I could do was think about you and I couldn’t escape you. You even plagued my dreams for weeks after you left. You completely consumed my mind, my whole being, and it confused me because I tried so hard to deny myself any feelings that I could possibly have for you. We would never work. You lived so far away. You’re not even into me. The list went on, and eventually the feelings seemed to go away and I stopped remembering my dreams.
I finally felt like I might be getting back to my old self again. But that might have not been the best thing for me. It didn’t matter anyway because eventually you were going to come back. It seemed like a very long time until you did, but when I heard you were coming back to town, everything that I had been suppressing and hiding four months hit me like a train. I dreaded the day that I might see you again.
The next few times our paths crossed were like riding a roller coaster. You were either pissing me off to the point where I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as you, or we would laugh and goof around together like we’ve known each other for years.
We never saw each other often, but when we were going to I always felt one of two emotions: dread or anticipation. There was no middle ground with you. I never really understood why I always had such a strong reaction to anything involving you. I guess I’ve just always been blind to the obvious.
Blind to the fact that my friends didn’t actually like me. Blind to the fact that every guy I have ever had feelings for didn’t like me back. Blind to the fact that I had feelings in the first place. Blind to the fact that I was messed up. Blind to the fact that I probably am more messed up now.
Maybe being blind is a defense mechanism to keep myself safe from all the hurt that I feel. Sometimes when I let myself peek at what I really feel it’s hard to get back out of the void and sadness that lives in me. Not only the bad but also the love and confusion that consumes my mind and never seems to be able to lead to anything good.
After every visit you consumed my mind. Just going over what little time we had together took up so much of my mind. We were just friends and you had this undeniable hold on me. And it was only going to get worse in the next times that I saw you.
I was on my way to Disneyland for the first time when I heard about the shootings at your school. I already knew that you were ok, but my mind wanted to a world where you did get hurt and possibly even killed. It sickened me to the pit of my stomach. I cried silent tears while going to the happiest place on earth just from thinking about you getting hurt. I had to talk to you.
I texted you saying that I was glad that you were ok. We chatted for a little bit, but our texting conversations seem to die easily. I was so upset by the possibility of you getting hurt, but now I see that you must not feel the same way, or you are very good at hiding it.
There was a bomb threat on my campus today. I could have very easily been in harm’s way, and you didn’t even bother to contact me at all. Did you just not know about it? That’s a possibility, but I have such low expectations from your side that I expected you wouldn’t contact me. I was hoping you would prove me wrong though. I really wanted to get some sort of sign that you cared. A quick text or call maybe, but no. No one cared to check up on me, and it just strengthens my paranoia about not being loved by anyone. And it hurts, kind of a lot. I don’t know what else there is to say at this point.
I wrote you a letter once, a last testament letter of sorts. I tried to lay everything out on the table and tell you how I felt about you. These letters have been written for a similar purpose I suppose, but in the letter I spelled out my feelings so that was no confusion, because I wasn’t planning on being able to explain myself. I know that you are unaware of these letters now, but I kind of hope that you find them somehow. Maybe if you find them you will realize you love me and whisk me off into a fairytale, but I know what would probably really happen. You would start to look at me with sympathy, because you don’t have any feelings for me, and you will try to keep your distance from me, and eventually we will lose contact because you feel uncomfortable knowing that I might still have feelings for you. Which is complete bull shit, because we have been friends while I’ve had feelings, and just because you know shouldn’t change anything in a negative way. Maybe you’ll find it and pretend like you never did, just for my sake because you don’t like me that way. That’s the best I can hope for I guess. I don’t let myself think that you do have feelings for me often, because I know how broken I will feel if I thought you did but you didn’t. That’s why I’ll probably never tell you how I feel. It’s why I am writing these letters. To tell you without telling you helps me keep my composure. Maybe I’ll copy my letter to you in my next letter.
The longer I had to deal with whatever I felt for you the harder and easier it was. Some days were, are, unbearable and all I want to do is be with you even if we couldn’t be together. Some days you barely enter my mind, but there was seldom a day where you never crossed my mind.
I think I’ve gotten a sense of control over myself now though, at least when I’m not around you. I can now think of you without completely becoming consumed with the thought of you, and I’m proud of myself for that. I no longer have that sense of helplessness as I long over that walk, every look, every touch, that night I’ll never forget. It’s like I’m addicted and you are my own personal brand of heroin. I do think that one day you are going to breakup with your girlfriend, and I hope that someday you will finally see me as I have come to realize that I see you.
The previously mentioned outing did not go as planned, but I felt like it went pretty good. It might have been better the way it did happen, because we couldn’t get too carried away with ourselves even if we wanted to. I had finally decided that we could go bowling or go see a movie. You wanted to go bowling, so we drove over top classic bowl, but there was a three hour wait for this alley and the one in Pacifica, and there were no good movies out. I started to panic a little bit. My dad suggested that we just watch a movie at home and that we could go get snacks. You thought it was a good idea, so we went back home, and we started walking to the store that was semi close by.
We talked about a lot of different things on our walk, our previous classes, our plans for the future, our drug and alcohol experiences, our happiness in general. It was nice being able to just talk to you. I wish we would do it more often. At the store you were too adorable. You wanted me to pick everything, and I felt like a kid in a candy store. The walk back was enjoyable too. I thought it was so funny when you were winded while not even being half way up the hill. You didn’t have a mean retort to throw back at me either which was very sweet.
We ended up having to watch the movie with the whole family in the room because your mom had come back from wherever she went, and I think they secretly wanted to keep an eye on us. We say close to each other and rested our heads on each other. It felt really good to be close to you. Our hands brushed against each other a couple times but neither of us made a move to hold the other’s hand. It was just a fun time, and then I didn’t see you much until we said goodbye. And then you were gone again.
You’ve been dating this girl for a long time now but you have never actually said her name to me. You always just referred to her as your girlfriend. I don’t know about you, but I think that is a little odd. You’ve told me a couple things about her: she lives in Oregon, she wants to be a nurse, she is smart, but nothing much else. Your mom is where all the real information comes from.
You met at a camp one summer and didn’t connect until you saw each other again a great or two later. You two are very intimate, which I didn’t particularly want to know. And apparently she is wicked jealous, mean, and possessive of you, because she has had bad experiences before. She is always testing you and not trusting you even though I’m sure you have been so loyal to her, haven’t you? The relationship is long distance which must be hard, but she just doesn’t seem like the kind of person you should be around if she doesn’t put any faith into you.
One time when you were visiting I was supposed to take you out, and I was stressing out trying to figure out what we should do together. I also had a big dilemma on my hands. I had no date for prom and it was suggested to me that I could ask you to go with me. There were a few reasons I had lined up as to why I shouldn’t ask you, but something kept pulling me towards asking you, until I saw what you were going through.
You had been texting your girlfriend the whole time you had been at my house and it was starting to get on my nerves. Why couldn’t you just hang out with my family for the short time that you would be here? So I decided to look over your shoulder and peep at what you guys were talking about. It took me a second to catch up to what was going on, but then a light flipped in my head, and I was frozen in shock.
You were fighting with your girlfriend about not having feelings for someone else and you kept insisting that you loved her. It only made sense in my head that you would be arguing about me. I’m not sure if you actually were, but that is what it felt like. At that point I knew that I didn’t want to be a home wrecker and cause problems in your relationship so I didn’t ask you.
Later I thought I put it together that my dad had asked your mom if you would say yes to going with me without my knowledge, and word must have gotten out to your girlfriend, and maybe that is why you two had been fighting. For that reason I was glad I didn’t ask you, but I’m sure we would have had a great time together. In the weeks after that visit I found myself being weak and wanting to have asked you just because I longed to see you again, but I guess it just wasn’t supposed to be.
Some people say that you should enjoy the little things I life. When it came to you and me, all I had were the little things. There were a couple visits where you were the biggest jerk to me and I have my own theories about that, but usually you and I were friendly towards each other. Most people probably wouldn’t see what I saw and felt, but I do believe that it was actually happening.
On your bad visits you would be ruff with me and extra tart in your retorts towards me. Usually I would just get mad at you, but since it was you I ended up feeling hurt and like I had done something to make you act like that even though I hadn’t even seen you for weeks. I think you must have been devoted to your current girl while having feelings for me during these visits. This makes sense to me because why else would you lash out at me unless you wanted me to get the idea that you were not in the mood to be friendly?
There was one specific visit that I remember where you started off being really awful towards me, but then over night you seemed to completely turn around and be nice and gentle with me. I think you must have seen the hurt in my eyes after doing something to me. You must have realized that I was just a person that could be hurt too and that you didn’t intend to hurt me. I dropped you off to the train station that morning and you whispered in my ear thanking me for coming to see you off. Then I gave you a quick hug and you were gone.
Your good visits were always a bit confusing. We never got as close as That night, but I still felt like we had this undeniable connection. During a meal or just when we would sit across from each other we would make this eye contact. We would never hold it for too long but I always felt like your eyes were trying to tell me something. What were they trying to tell me? I have no idea, but they almost felt like longing looks that were never allowed to be known by anyone else.
Whenever we came into contact it was a combination of electricity and calm. It feels so right to be near you, next to you, in your embrace. During a greeting or goodbye it always seemed like we both didn’t want to let go. Our embraces would last longer that a normal hug and I could feel the energy that went into it. I feel like I could stay in your arms forever if it were possible.
The little things, the looks, the brush of our fingertips, or embraces, they were what kept me going and so irrevocably consumed in you.
Having to wait to see you again was the worst I have ever felt in my life. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing you again, no matter how long it had been since I’d last encountered you. You plagued my every hour again, during school, during rehearsals, during my dreams, I couldn’t shake you off my mind.
The dread and anguish that I felt is impossible to fully explain, and I felt trapped in an impossibly difficult situation. You were inescapable, but also very variable because I was never informed exactly when you would arrive so I had to live on end waiting for you to show up. The days leading up to your next visit were some of the worst I had ever experienced.
I didn’t know what to expect when I saw you again. Would I bete able to control myself? Did I want to control myself? How the he’ll did you feel about everything that happened? I wanted to talk about our with you but didn’t know how to correctly articulate what I wanted to know. When the moment of your arrival finally came we greeted each other like nothing had happened, and I figured that you didn’t and might never want to talk about it. I learned that visit that you had a girlfriend and that really ended my nerve to talk to you.
Not talking to you about it, actually never talking to you about it, makes it feel like it never actually happened and that it was all in my mind. I still feel like one day I’m going to try to talk to you about it and your going to say that you have no idea what I’m talking about. And if you did that it would destroy me, because that night is the only evidence that I have in my mind that anyone could ever be interested in me, that I could actually be loved someday. You must think that’s hilarious. The only thing that gives me hope may be just a figment of my imagination.
There seemed to be signs that you and I did in fact have this intense connection in your visits as time went on, but you’d probably deny it, and you always had a girlfriend or was hung up on some other girl. I still clung to the small things though. I just wonder if they ever meant anything to you too.