he Hobbit trilogy, or That’s How You Spent $675 Million?, is a bloated titan of failure. They’re sluggish movies made on a rushed shooting schedule, and all of the charm that Middle Earth had once held is pulled gasping and quivering away, replaced by copious CGI and extended sequences that add nothing to the plot or our happiness. They’re the movie equivalents of hearing your roommate throw up until 5 a.m. Surely it must be over soon, you think. Surely, they must be running out of body juices. But nope. The Sun is rising and The Hobbit is still doubled over the toilet, puking hot air on the audience.
It’s a shame, because The Hobbit book is pretty delightful. If The Lord Of The Rings is the college professor who lectures you about prose forever, The Hobbit is the professor who invites you out for a beer after class. And the only time that the movies manage to capture that sense of fantasy and whimsy is during a scene that was actually cut from the theatrical release of An Unexpected Journey, presumably because the producers saw it and said, “Hold on, we’re starting to enjoy ourselves. Back up.”
In the scene, Bilbo Baggins and his dwarf bros are captured by goblins and taken under the Misty Mountains to meet the Goblin King. The king greets them with a song, and for a brief two minutes, we get a respite from the misery of adventure scenes that play out like parodies of themselves. A big criticism of The Hobbit is that it’s about 95 percent green screen. The robot apocalypse has begun, and it did not begin with violence, but with a Hobbit special effects artist yelling “Stop! Please! Stoooooop!” at a computer. This song is no exception, but by god, it isn’t the rest of The Hobbit, so I will clutch it to my chest like a life preserver in a sea of director Peter Jackson’s dreams.
‘Tell me, Legolas, why did I come on this Quest? Little did I know where the chief peril lay! Truly Elrond spoke, saying that we could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come, had I known the danger of light and joy. Now I have taken my worst wound in this parting, even if I were to go this night straight to the Dark Lord. Alas for Gimli son of Glóin!’
In which Gimli, my one true ultimate fave LotR character, tells it like it is. I FEEL YOU MY DWARF BRO.
Having now seen the hobbit - yes, Richard Armitage’s Thorin is pretty gorgeous, but the most aesthetically pleasing thing about the dwarves is the way they move around each other. From the ‘carefully, carefully with the plates’ scene at the party to the way they use each other’s spaces and bodies in battle, it’s so beautifully choreographed that it conveys those years of exile and depending on nobody but each other and having each other’s backs no matter what the cost better than any words.
I like to think Fili and Kili swap foods at meal times. Like, Fili doesn't like carrots, but he knows Kili does so he puts his carrots on Kili's plate. Kili doesn't like onions, but Fili does so he puts them on his plate.