Screwball Ninja’s Mini-Review: 6x16 Mother’s Little Helper
Oh, what a tangled web we weave/ When characterization takes its leave. Let’s dig in!
You can tell she’s evil because she farts glitter– that stuff gets everywhere!
Things That Had More Screentime Than Belle This Episode: Blackbeard’s wig. Her Handsome Hero. Rumple’s dagger. Jaime Murray’s cleavage. CGI spider butt. Perhaps we could scare up some more scenes for Belle in an episode about her son where the theme is MOTHERHOOD? Look, she’s already wearing pants in a plea for attention– somebody give her a scene with Gideon before she’s parading around in leggings and a ‘Welcome to Storybrooke’ sweatshirt.
I’m here for Small Business Owner S&M Jaime Murray in a sparkly black tutu. What is this show? And it’s interesting that fairy dust can be used for evil (e.g., creating the Dark Curse) and needs to be a Category 1 Controlled Substance. No wonder the Blue Fairy smacked down Nova for loaning it willy-nilly in S1. I guess the price for fairy dust is slave labor (children, dwarves)? That’s dark, show. “Excuse me, Mr. Gold? Is this fairy dust conflict-free? Because I only use– *is snailed*”
Dark Swan is back, folks. Emma force-choked and beat an unarmed, unresisting man who was talking to her about his history of abuse because she was angry about losing her boyfriend for a day. “YOU TOOK HOOK FROM ME,” says Emma in her exact Dark Swan throaty tone. Force-choking is *never* shown as something good or justifiable– and it’s always shown as the sole provenance of villains. (They call it ‘Vader-ing’ in the script.) She’s law enforcement– you can’t beat up suspects because you’re upset! You can’t threaten to “force” people to do things! S1!Emma would have asked Gideon WHY he wanted to kill her before any fisticuffs, and she certainly wouldn’t have made him bleed while he was talking to her. This scene also makes it sound like Emma is more pissed off that Gideon cockblocked her than about his murder attempt. Priorities, woman! (Note: This was done on purpose to put our sympathies with Gideon– hence his line that Emma was “so far wrong” and that he wasn’t “the bad guy.” Gideon’s not all bad, Emma’s not all good: message received. But it’s fascinating to see Dark Swan pop up again without the excuse of The Darkness ™ .)
Gideon says that the Black Fairy tortured him and he’s trying to protect “hundreds” of abused children in another realm. Emma’s response? Going to Rumple and … threatening to kill Gideon. “Your son has a death wish, one that I’m happy to provide.” What the everliving fuck? Rumple has to spell out that the Black Fairy is Bad News and may be a direct threat to Emma before she thinks to help Gideon. “Not my family? Not my problem!” is a legitimate philosophy … but not if you’re The Savior, and not if you’re the Sheriff. Emma even makes a deal (more Dark Swan-age) with Gideon to get Hook back BEFORE she helps with the Black Fairy business. I realize it makes sense to lift any magical barriers before embarking on a dangerous enterprise but it makes it look like she cares more about Hook than an entire realm full of abused kids. If this is “walls down” Emma someone *poof* her some bricks, mortar, and an enchanted trowel because I’m not here for this.
Speaking of Hook, does OUAT have a writers room? You know, a room for the writers to talk to one another about what’s happening from episode to episode? Because this episode takes place one minute after last week’s episode, where Emma shed two tiny tears because that’s what she “needed to move on.” And now she’s beating up a child she helped deliver a week ago because she can’t be without Hook for literally a day? Which is it, show?
Hook is an adult who’s survived for hundreds of years and is in a realm he used to call home. He’s not hurt, he’s not cursed, he’s not threatened– he’s just on a bit of a vacation. You know, a break– what Emma wanted him to have until he got his head right about the whole lying business. So where’s the fire? Also, Blackbeard assumed Hook stole the jewels from a “wench”– is this something Hook did before? (Have fun with the inevitable JewelThief!Hook and FBI!Emma fic, CS fans!) P.S. BLACKBEARD SHOUTS TOO. MAYBE IT’S JUST A PIRATE THING? I AM HERE FOR THEIR HARD OF HEARING FRIENDSHIP!
And normal Emma returns when the giant spider shows up! Yay! (Any scene that has Emma quipping about Charlotte’s Web while pretending to be in a life-and-death struggle with dollar store Haunted House webbing is a good one in my book.) Gideon apologizes for screwing with her instead of just asking for help. Yay! And then he double-crosses her because he thinks the ends justifies the means. Boo! But he’s heart-controlled! Gasp! Note that Gideon’s contractually obligated to do his premature gloating away from the scene of the crime, giving Emma time to escape with Rumple’s help. Villain rules, folks– if you disobey they take away your black cloak and make you wear pastels for a week. Also, props to the Black Fairy for not spilling her Secret Evil Plan to anyone yet. Next-level evil, for sure.
“I’m sorry, but your son cannot be saved. He’s evil,” says Emma. Excuse me? One fairy coma, giant spider, and piratical banishment and he’s irredeemable? This is a show where mass-murderer and child abuser Cora went to heaven after telling her daughters to play nicely for five minutes after she was DEAD. Split!EQ killed three peasants, cursed Snowing, threatened to poison the town’s water supply, and sped up Belle’s pregnancy leading to Belle’s son being kidnapped– and got a “fresh start” in another realm. Hook killed Merlin and tried to kill Emma’s whole family last month but that’s “in the past.” But Gideon tries to kill one person to save hundreds of abused children and he’s beyond the pale? Ahahaha, no. Also, he’s *spoiler alert* heart-controlled. Boy, won’t Emma feel silly when she learns that. "He needs help!” says Rumple. “LOL nope,” says Emma. And then Rumbelle gave them epic side-eye and held hands (and gave the fandom heart attacks; it’s been a rough year).
Neverland “must have transformed when Pan left!” To … Vancouver. Truly, Dark Magic. In S3 it sounded like without magic the entire realm was going to literally explode but you know what? Gangly teens carrying torches running around Neverland-cum-Vancouver beaches are not the most ridiculous thing in this episode, never mind the show. Carry on, fellas.
I’m oddly with Isaac the Author when he complained about his imprisonment. He created the AU but he didn’t actually kill anyone– and considering Regina, Snowing, Zelena, Hook, and Emma have cast Dark Curses and are running around free he’s right that being terminally annoying isn’t really grounds for perpetual incarceration. He should join King George and Sidney in their class action lawsuit against the Storybrooke Police. Calling it now: S7 is Law and Order: Storybrooke.
Being The Author causes you to write gibberish and it gets worse the longer it goes on? That explains the show! “What happens at the end of the book?” asks Henry. The Author replies: “The Savior fights the Final Battle– and trust me, no-one wants to be around to see that!” Well, with these ratings no-one will be. #BaDumChh
Can I just point out how every single Sorceress in FFVIII is unbelievably badass? Seriously look we have:
Edea, whose insight is so spectacular she knows she’s likely to go darkside and founds an entire series of schools devoted to stopping her and whoever might follow her. She collapsed her own mind rather than let Ultimecia know jackshit about Ellone, and when she wakes up having conquered an entire nation and almost killed her own children, she dusts herself off and immediately comes up with a plan to guarantee her powers won’t be used for evil again and to prepare to stop Ultimecia.
Adel, who was so incredibly powerful that the Esthar Resistance didn’t even bother to attempt to kill her. They sealed her away and sent her to the fucking moon, building a space station solely to keep an eye on her for well over a decade so she could never escape. It doesn’t even work. And in between her sealing and release, her rage is so great that all radio communication on the planet gets knocked out, instead showing static-y messages from Adel, I am still alive here, Take me back there, I will never let you forget me
Ultimecia, who conquers the entire planet in the future, wipes out Edea’s specially-trained-to-specifically-fight-sorceresses SeeDs, looks at her domain and thinks, Not enough. Comes up with an actually feasible plan to condense all of time around her so she can conquer literally the entirety of existence.
Rinoa, who runs an anti-occupation resistance movement directly against her own father, holds her own alongside a group of specially-trained mercenaries even though she’s had no formal training, allows herself to be possessed by Ultimecia just for the chance to kill her, and basically reorganizes space-time when Squall wanders off and gets his ass lost and all while half the age of every other sorceress in the game
So basically do not fuck with the women of FFVIII.
The worse for BlueBerry would be if Error wasn't serious and just wanted to play/train before triying to seduce Ink. BlueBerry would just end all alone. Without Dust, without his children, without Error....Alone. Like he has destroyed his family for nothing.
welp, you spoiled the ending. that was gonna happen.
I would like to be the dust,
stowing away on your fingertips,
when you pull a slender volume
of seldom-read poetry off
the oak shelves of a nearly-
The library doesn’t need to be
nearly-vacant: it could be full
of school children, of politicians,
of artists, and I would still like
to be the dust your fingertips
glean from poetry books no
one has read, but you, since
I last read them.
I would like to be the dust
on your fingertips, and your
fingertips, gliding along each
rhyming line, and each line
the poet never rhymed with
anything. I would like to be
your fingertips, touching
poetry, and the dust on your
fingertips, touching poetry.
I would like to be the dust
of poetry you are touching.
I would like to be the dust of a
nearly-vacant library, rhymed
on your fingertips with every
word you read.
The dust does not have to be
that of a nearly-vacant library:
it could be the dust of school
children, of artists, of politicians,
and I would still like to be dust
rhyming with you.
I would like to be the dust
of poetry you have touched.
Filed under: #gif #laces out #one of my fave moments in the movie for sure #delicately pulling the lace out of his sleeves #he knows its filthy #but its very dignified #like when he dusts himself off in front of the #children of darkness #refined and dapper even in filthy old lace #and that has to be Daniel’s leather jacket #bc hes not wearing it in the previous shot #and then he is #so i bet it was in the backseat or smtg #lestat #lestat de lioncourt #the vampire lestat
Did I squander my divinity? Was happiness within me the whole time? They say we are asleep Until we fall in love We are children of dust and ashes But when we fall in love we wake up And we are a God And angels weep But if I die here tonight I die in my sleep