There’s a new “horror” movie coming out, and the premise is that a female diver gets stuck sitting on a rock 200 yards from shore in what looks like maaaaaybe 30 foot deep water, with a great white “circling” nearby.
It is very stupid looking.
I could make all kinds of arguments about how there are only a few documented cases ever of sharks intentionally going after humans, about how we’re already trying to hunt them to extinction because people are terrified of them for no logical reason, about how the creator of Jaws regretted the shark phobia his work inspired for the rest of his life and became an extremely staunch defender of sharks as important ocean wildlife. I could say how pissed I am that yet again someone is making a “horror” movie whose premise is animals are evil and malicious and go after humans for no reason, nature and man are inherently at odds.
But instead I’m going to leave these pictures here and make the case that this is going to be a very inconsistent, confused film about a big angry fish who apparently changes size off camera.
Here we see the shark doing a Sea World style backflip in order to eat a guy right off his surfboard. (It then chases down guy number two, gets his legs in its mouth, and then… swims backwards? to dramatically pull him away from the rock?)
Aaand here we have a perfectly circular bite in the main character’s leg where the shark apparently shrunk way down, bit in deeply enough to leave a perfect circle of ouch in her flesh, and then let go. Either that, or she’s a giantess and her thigh is as big as a man’s entire torso.
Sharks, even great white sharks, really don’t give a fuck about humans. We are not food for them. They attack divers because they have relatively poor eyesight, and from below, a human paddling out into the water on a surfboard looks like a very fat, slow, awkward seal floundering on the surface. Sharks who do attack humans generally attack only once before realizing that this is not what they expected. That’s why there are shark attack survivors; the shark doesn’t try to eat the rest of the person they just bit. Great white sharks and tiger sharks can be dangerous, but so can any large animal. More Americans alone are killed by chairs, cows, deer, dogs, and vending machines (each, not added together) than are killed worldwide by sharks even on a very unlucky year.
“Tell me this is some kind of sick joke,” You remarked, staring at the two boys in front of you. Jay and Carlos exchanged an uneasy look.
“You’re telling me you took Ben, King Ben of Auradon, to the Isle where most people want nothing more than to see him strung up by his thumbs!?” You exclaimed, suddenly ashamed to be an acquaintance of the two boys. “And you thought that he wouldn’t be kidnapped!?”
“I never said we thought it was a good idea,” Carlos mumbled, looking down at the sharp look given by you.
“And now you want me to come with you on some sort of rescue mission to get him back from Uma of all people?” You quizzed, hoping it all was just some sick joke.
“On the bright side, you can go see your dad!” Jay tried to throw in before making a grimace. “Never mind, that’s not a good thing…”
Carlos worried his lip before his face lit up. “You could rub in their faces how good you’re doing.”
Your hands were shaking by the time you reached Pirate’s Bay and laid your eyes on Uma’s ship. The crew still looked as raggedy as you remembered in their war paint. They looked like a kindergartener’s finger-painting project gone wrong.
“Hey guys! They’re here!” A pirate you could easily place as being Gil, the loveable son of Gaston, called out to the crew below him.
You could practically feel your blood pressure rising when Harry’s voice filled your head.
“Welcome!” He called, pushing a terrified Ben to the Plank. Oh how you wanted to knock that grin off his pretty little face. Without thinking your hand came to grasp at the handle of the sword tucked into your belt. Jay gave you a concerned look, as if asking if you were gonna be alright fighting against the pirate if worse came to worse.
You just gave a nod before turning to train your eyes on the blue-haired sea witch, tensing slightly from your spot beside Carlos when she mentioned the killer sharks. Dumb witch, you thought to yourself. Sharks only attacked when provoked or threatened. Auradon taught you that.
Carlos nudged you slightly, motioning with his eyes to the hook-wielding pirate that was slowly but surely making his ways towards Uma and Mal. You may not particularly like the daughter of Maleficent, but you knew how unpredictable Harry could be, so you hopped onto the wooden railing of the docks, crouching down beside Mal with a hand on your sword.
You could tell he was pretending to not notice you, anyone could see that. But you could also see that your presence was unnerving the young brunet from the way he quickly started to fly off the handle. You could only grit your teeth at Uma as she gripped his hook and pulled him away from the two of you. Though, of course the flirt couldn’t without winking and blowing a mocking kiss in your direction.
It seems time didn’t change him at all.
As he made his way back to Ben, you followed his moves, not stopping until you were directly across from the pirate. You didn’t trust him to not shove Ben off the plank for no reason. Frankly, you didn’t trust him to not hook the poor King. The thought alone put you on edge. And from the devilish grin worn by the pirate as he caught your eye, you knew that he knew exactly what was going through your mind.
You could see the grin drop when Mal moved to give Uma the wand, before being stopped by the king. You could practically smell the smoke coming from the use his rarely-operated brain. Either he was dumbfounded that his captain’s plan actually worked… or he knew something was off, he knew there was no way Mal would give up the wand that easily.
You really hoped it was the first option.
You were relieved when he dropped the look, replaced by a grin at Ben trying to bargain with Uma. Maybe he was dumber than he looked. You knew it was a lie, but the thought made you feel better about your breakup all those months ago. Because, as much as you didn’t want to admit it, you’re a petty ex.
Panic began to set in once Uma demanded Mal prove the wand worked. You guys were screwed. But, like usual, Mal prevailed, using Dude-the-now-talking-dog to fake a spell.
“Give me the wand!” Uma demanded seconds later, holding her hand out. Was she always this demanding?
“Give me Ben!” Mal shot back. Uma gave her a grin before calling Harry over. Once again, you followed his movements to be by Mal’s side. You may not have been the strongest, but you knew Harry’s weak spots if Uma were to try and trick you.
You gave a slight laugh as you heard Gil inform Ben about how Gaston wishes he had finished off Ben’s dad when he had a chance. You knew it was true as it was the only thing Gaston ever spoke about. Well, that and Belle. And how incredibly thick his neck is…..You made sure to not come across him often.
Harry pushed Ben to the ground in front of Mal before drawing his sword, you made sure to do the same. You raised your gaze to meet his when he spoke.
“Aw, what’s the matter? Don’t ya trust me, lass?” He asked softly, a mocking pout forming on his face. But, it didn’t match the wickedness in his eyes.
“Cut him loose, Harry,” Uma instructed, eyes trained on Mal and the wand. Harry gave a huff, “I never get to have any fun.”
“Yeah, Harry, listen to your Master,” You remarked, smirking at the evil glare you received in return. Like you said before, you’re a petty ex.
Mal pulled Ben away from the two pirates as Uma rushed to the deck of her ship. Harry lingered, eyes not leaving yours before slowly following his Captain. You had to help Mal pull Ben away from the ship. He wasn’t the brightest King if he didn’t see through the plan. You suddenly worried if your life was in the right hands if he couldn’t tell it was a fake wand.
Uma quickly snapped the plastic wand in two upon realizing it was a fake. And then all hell broke loose. Smoke bombs and pirates alike were flying through the air as you suddenly regretted not practicing sword fighting since you left the Isle.
“Please don’t let me get my hand cut off. I don’t wanna look like Harry’s dad,” you whined before joining in on the fight.
Your eyes widened as you spotted Harry jumping into the water after his father’s hook. Though, you didn’t miss the opportunity to snatch his hat up from the dock. You placed it on your head with a smirk, “Mine now!”
Turning around and quickly ducking, you narrowly avoided getting your head cut off by an overly salty pirate. Pausing to giggle quickly at your own joke, you swiped the sword out of his hand, followed by a swift kick to the crotch that knocked him onto his knees. “Honestly, does she not train you guys at all? It’s almost sad,” You tsked, pushing him off the dock and into the water.
You cussed under your breath when you noticed Ben going against Harry, but then paused. Harry Hook, the son of a pirate, whom would try to behead anyone that dared look at his sisters wrong, was undoubtedly… getting his ass handed to him by a King that had never been in an actual sword fight in his life, literally with one hand behind his back. And it. Was. Hilarious.
“Y/N, come on!” Carlos called out, grabbing your wrist and pulling you to the tunnel after Evie threw a smoke bomb right in front of the pirates.
Pausing by the disoriented son of Hook, you placed his hat on top of his head before running to join the others. You spared the drenched pirate one last glance before disappearing into the tunnel.
Leaving him alone. Again.
“I know he’s on your mind, Y/N,” the voice of the daughter of Mulan filled your ears as you stared over the side of the boat to the Isle.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lonnie,” You replied quietly, even though you both knew it was a lie. You knew exactly who she was talking about.
“I’m sure Harry did miss you. He just couldn’t show it with that Uma girl there,” She soothed, rubbing your back gently. You shook your head, turning to lean your back against the rails. she had just been informed on the situation on the ride from Auradon to the Isle, when you had to explain it was the Captain of your ex boyfriend that had taken the king hostage.
“That’s the problem. Even when we were together he was always Uma this, Uma that, Uma- Uma!?”
You failed to hide your surprise (and rage) at seeing the sea witch as she made her way down the stairs to where King Ben stood. You and Lonnie shared a look before rushing over to Mal’s side. You were no expert on relationships- but even you knew that you definitely did not bring your girlfriend’s worst enemy on a date to a dance you’re supposed to be with your girlfriend at.
And the worst thing was, as she stood before you, dressed in a beautiful gown that matched the blue of her hair you could see exactly why Harry would want her instead of you.
“Harry, the cotillion’s on!” The blonde boy yelled to his friend, whom was busy brooding by the window of Ursula’s fish and Chips. Gil sighed, walking over to the brunet. “Staring at Auradon won’t make you any closer to her, you know. But you can see her on TV.”
The pirate stared at him silently before walking to the table in front of the television. He could feel tears well up in his eyes at the sight of you. He missed you a lot, and it took all of his willpower to not show it when you came to the ship. But, he was scared you would try to stay if you knew how pitiful he was without you. He loved you, and there was no doubt about that. But he couldn’t give you everything you deserved if you came back to the Isle. He wanted you to be happy, even if it meant being away from him.
He took a shaky breath, wiping his eyes.
“You look beautiful, lass.”
A few days after the Cotillion Disaster, you were called into the King’s office. From what the letter you received said (though you didn’t see why he just didn’t tell you in one of your many classes together) it was urgent business, not to be discussed with anyone else. You never thought a two minute conversation could have such an impact on your way of breathing.
“After seeing how harsh the conditions are on the Isle, I have decided to bring a few more kids to Auradon,” Ben stated, standing up from his seat behind his desk.
You raised an eyebrow, watching him carefully, “And what does that have to do with me?” You asked.
Ben cleared his throat, awkwardly coming to stand in front of you. This can’t be good.
“Y/N, there’s no easy way to say this after you risked your life to rescue me from the Isle so I’m just going to say it,” He began, arm sliding around your shoulders to give you a friendly, and suspicious, squeeze.
“Harry Hook is coming to Auradon.”
A/N: So, what do you guys think? Is it good enough to have a part three?
wait, you guys know I’ve literally had dumb shark bags available on Society6 for weeks now, right? The bags I just ordered to sell at cons are DIFFERENT than the above. The ones at cons will just be the Nerd Shark printed on a royal blue cotton tote bag. I have a couple of the Society6 totes already though, and I can attest to how great the printing is, and how strong they are, so 100% do rec these until I have time to get totes set up on RedBubble.
I’m still trying to raise my money for my trip to Europe since I’m traveling alone and the thought of couch surfing the whole time terrifies me! So! Some foul-mouthed European Sharks for you! Please consider giving them a home in the form of a shirt or sticker or tote or whateverrrrr. Merci!