Amazing things about the last issue of Batman


Jason, Dick, Damian, Bruce and Duke having lunch at a Bat-burguer place (where they have red hood action figures and jokerized ships, that Jason wants to try). 


the way Bruce eats a hamburger and the fact that the boys make fun of him for it (plus Damian trying to kill Jason with food).


the way they talk about their deaths as it was nothing, and Duke being the only one who realizes thats not normal. 

this hole issue was just like a big fanfic and I love DC for it.

The Batboys as Disney Princes

Dick: Flynn Rider  (flirty, hawt, charming, nice butt, sarcastic, has almost died several times, orphan, has a thing for a certain hair color, gets made fun of for his name, sneaky, hides feelings with humor)

Jason: Aladdin  (street rat, doesn’t listen to authority, protects kids, good at stealing things, witty, wore a vest, wound up hanging with rich people, feminist, strange friends) 

Tim: Eric  (pretty blue eyes, pure, isn’t fazed by weird stuff, heroic, my fave, always rich, depressed sometimes, has a British butler, doesn’t do what he’s told) 

Duke: Kristoff  (sarcastic, doesn’t get rich people, orphan, loner, has issues with authority, a realist, adopted by a super weird family, doesn’t know what’s going on most of the time) 

Damian: Beast  (cuddly, will fight everyone, no friends besides maybe two people, lonely, scary smiles, rude child, not a people person) 

It’s exam week and I am tired. Instead of coherent content, please enjoy this list of random dialogue that I currently have no context for:

Damian listened thoughtfully until Tim got to the end. “So basically we need your help. Any questions?”

“Yes,” Damian decided, after a few seconds of silence.


“When did I give you the impression that I cared?”

“Oh come on.”

“What was my mistake?”

“We’re on a timeline here.”

“No, really,” Damian asked, raising his hands in an exaggerated gesture of confusion. “Where did I go wrong?”

“I’m confused,” Duke told him. “Red Hood Jason or Trophy Case Jason?”

For some reason, Tim didn’t seem to understand the question. He pointed across the cave, to where Hood was sorting through medical supplies. “Jason.”

“So not the Robin that died.”

Tim pointed again, slower this time. “Jason.”

“That’s… the same person?”


“He didn’t actually die?”

“Oh boy,” said Tim, biting at his lip. “No, he was definitely dead.”


“Short-term. You really didn’t know?”

“It’s not an uncommon name?” Duke could hear the panic in his own voice, but he didn’t feel inclined to check it. “Why would I assume that one person… came back from the dead?? Instead of assuming there are two people named Jason?”

“Oh boy,” Tim repeated. He turned to Damian, who Duke suddenly noticed was smiling in a very unsettling sort of way. “You didn’t tell him?”

Damian shook his head. The smile became downright maniacal. 

Tell me what??”

“It’s a family meeting,” Dick told him. “You have to stay.”

Jason collapsed back into his armchair, glaring. “You know sometimes I think I never actually came back to life? I just died and went to hell.” He crossed his arms. “Because honestly? This could be hell.”

“Stop being dramatic.”

Jason threw him a look that clearly communicated ‘when hell freezes over’ in the most dramatic way possible, or at least that was the goal.

Dick turned away, rolling his eyes. He seemed to get the message. There, Jason thought. Nailed it. He felt better.

“What’s the holdup?” Tim asked, settling onto the couch next to Cass. “Something wrong?”

Dick shrugged. “Bruce says he has an announcement.”

“We have a new sibling?” Tim guessed.

“What? No.” Dick frowned, probably running the odds just to be sure. “Not that I’m aware of, anyway.”

“You had to think about it,” Tim noted, and then turned to face the door as Bruce finally made his entrance.

“I have an announcement.”

“We have a new sibling?”

“What?” Bruce asked. “No.” His eyes flicked upward for half a second, and then he continued, decisive. “No, you don’t.”

“See?” Tim asked. “He had to think about it.”

“I thought you were against this plan,” Duke said.

Damian nodded. “I am, but Todd and I reached an agreement.”


“Simple bet,” Damian confirmed. “If it works, I have to go to Drake’s birthday party, but if Todd dies again, I get to put ‘Damian told him so’ on his new headstone.”

“Oh,” Duke told him. “That sounds… fair.”

Damian leaned back against the wall, smirking. “I like my chances.”

[scene break]

At that point, Duke became pretty sure that the plan wasn’t going to work. He looked from Jason, up on the rooftop, to Damian, who was calmly punching numbers into his phone. “Uh. Shouldn’t we go help him?”

Damian raised a finger in a give-me-a-second kind of gesture while he put his phone to his ear. “Hello, Elliot Funeral Home? How much do you charge for gravestones? Midrange. I see. Very reasonable.”


“Fine,” Damian sighed. “Thank you,” he told his phone. “I’ll be in touch.”

Keep reading

  • [In a horrormovie]
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Jason: Really?
  • Killer:
  • Jason:
  • Jason: Do I look good?
  • Killer: Hell yeah, you slay

dick, on the batfam’s comms: hey oracle can you contact red hood and remind him of tomorrow’s meeting?

steph: you already put it on the groupchat seven times, i think he got the message already

tim: he’s not on the groupchat though?

duke: wait what? i never noticed he wasn’t there..

dick: yeah when i wanted to add him he told me he doesn’t do groupchats

steph: … he’s in a groupchat with robin and me..

dick: .. why would you have a groupchat?

steph: uh. we talk about. you know. dying.

dick: you have a dead robins club?? red robin and i died too, you know

steph and damian, simultaneously: Nightwing-

duke: i swear i saw him talking in that groupchat once, this is like some next level mandela effect

tim: maybe you’re so powerful you’re getting memories from the duke of another universe.

dick: tim, duke, hold up a second– so spoiler, you’re trying to tell me red hood LIED to me?

damian: that’s correct. if it’s of any consolation, spoiler and hood are as insufferable texting as they’re online

Stephanie: oh shut up-

Duke: red robin don’t even start, I’m still not over that alternative universe bullshit from last month-

Dick: I cant believe hood would do that. He also told me he lost his phone on his last mission so he wouldn’t be able to answer my texts, was that a lie too?

stephanie: oh ‘wing..

tim: you really believed that? Nightwing, he was visibly texting when he told you that

duke: are we sure this is the guy who’s gonna become batman, greatest detective in the world, if B kicks the bucket?

tim: if

steph: don’t be silly, batgirl is gonna be batman if B dies, isn’t that right bats?

cass: yes

dick: jesus, i thought you weren’t linked to the comms, how long have you been listening??

jason: i assume the whole time, like me

dick: HOOD why did you lie to me??

jason: because I hate you.

duke: oh wow. now THAT’S a comeback

jason: listen now, you yellow fuck-

oracle: are you guys really still fighting about this during an arkham break out


tim: are we really not gonna talk about “if“bruce dies?

Damian is wandering around alone in the Manor at night...

A lone, high pitched, disembodied voice quietly goes “Caaaaaaaannnn…..”

“Who the fuck….” Damian pulls out two Batarangs and backs against the wall, narrowing the intruder’s options.

The voice speaks again, now joined by a chorus. “Anybodyyyyyyyyyyyy…… Find meeeee……”

Damian calls out in to the dim light. “Grayson I swear, if that’s you, you’re in for a world of pain.”

The voice, again responds in song. “Somebody toooooooooo……..”

The voice goes very low “looooooooovvvveee……”

Soft piano notes begin as Jason comes bounding round the corner, helmet and jacket and guns and all, and hoists Damian over his shoulder. He yells the lyrics at the top of his voice, surprisingly in tune.


From around the corner emerge Dick and Tim, with Dick leading and Tim providing backup.

Tim: “(Take a look at yourself)”
Dick: “Take a looooook”
Tim and Dick: “iiinnn the mirror”
Dick: “And cry Lord, what you’re doing to meeeee?”

Harper puts her head through the open ceiling vent, the biggest grin on her face. How did she get up there? Not sure.

“I have spent all my years in believing you. But I just can’t get no relief, LOOOOORRRDDD!!!!”

Damian looks on in horror at this sudden unwanted musical outbreak.

The vocals cycle back round to Jason now with Tim.

Jason: “Somebody”
Tim: “(Somebody)
Jason: “OOOOOH somebody.”
Tim: “(Somebody)
Tim and Jason: "Can anybody find meeee….”
Jason: “Somebody to looooooove?”

Harper drops down from the ceiling vent, revealing a purple pyjama clad Stephanie and Cassandra in a tank top and shorts in tow.

Harper: “I work hard”
Steph: “(She works hard)”
Harper: “Eeevery day of my life. I work ‘til I ache my booooones. At the end”
Steph: “(At the end of the day)”
Harper: “I take home my hard-earned pay AAAAALLLL on my owwwnnn.”

Cassandra falls to her knees in front of Damian. Instinctively, he tries to kick her away but she blocks.

Cass: “I get down”
Harper: “(Down)”
Cass: “On my knees”
Steph: “(Knees)”
Cass: “And I start to pray”
Harper and Steph: “(Praise the Lord)”
Cass: “'Til the tears run down from MY EYESS LORD.”

Dick: “Somebody, somebody”
Everyone else, including Damian but he just wants Jason to put him down: “(Please)”
Dick: “Can anybody find meeeee”

Duke and Barbara have come round the corner. Duke doesn’t seem to be a part of this, he just wants a midnight snack and happens to like the song.


Barbara, however, is most certainly a part of this.

Steph: “(She works hard)”
Steph: “(Everyday)”
Barbara: “I try, and I TRY, AND I TRYYYYYYY.”
Steph: “But EEEEEEEEVERYBODY wants to put me down, they say I’m goin’ crazyyy. They say I got a lot of water in my braaaiiin. I got no common sense, I got nobody left to believe innn!!!”
Everybody else, plus Duke who has got his snack: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!”

Everyone moves for Jason who performs an epic air guitar solo. Damian, at this point has tried many times to escape but anyone not singing is on Damian duty. He will hear this mocking song damn it.

Everyone: “Ooooooohh, Lord!!”
Harper: “SOMEBODY”
Barbara: “Can anybody find meeeee…”

Barbara takes a deep breath.

Tim and Dick: “(Can anybody find me someone to love)”

Tim: “Got no feeeeel, I got no rhythm. I just keep losing my beat.”
Harper, Cass and Steph: “(You just keep losing and losing)”
Tim: “I’m OK, I’m alright”
Harper, Cass and Steph: “(He’s alright, he’s alright)”
Tim: “I ain’t gonna FAAACE no defeat”

Jason: “I just gotta get out of this prison cell. One day”
Dick: “(Someday)”
Jason: “I’m gonna be free, LOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRDDD”

The family all join hands in a circle around Damian and sing in unison as they take a step closer with each line, slowly building volume.

“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”

Step. They have now dropped their hands and started clapping, quickly and quietly.

“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to lo-woah-woah-oovve.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


“Find. Me. Somebody to love.”


As the family begins to harmonise they all hold Damian and slowly lift him up into the moonlight, Lion King style.

The Batboys: “Somebody”
The Batgirls: “Somebody”
The Batboys: “Somebody”
The Batgirls: “Somebody”
The Batboys: “Somebody”
The Batgirls: “Find me somebody”
All: “Find me somebody to love.”

“Can anybody find meeeeeeeee…..”

Jason takes his voice to an incredibly high pitch.

“Somebody toooooooooooooooooo……….”

He brings it lower again.


All: “(Find me somebody toooooo love. Find me somebody toooooo love.)

They repeat as Jason brings the song to a close.

Jason: "ooooooooOOOOOOHHHH. Fiiiiiiind me somebody somebody somebody somebody somebody.
All: ”(Toooooo love)“
Jason: "Find me find me find me find me find me OOOOOOOOOOHH somebody to LOOOOOOOOVE.”

Damian sits on the floor dejected and insanely pissed off, his eyes glowering with hatred for Jason Todd. Then the girl.

That girl.

Harper Row does something that shifts all of Damian’s anger to her.

[Stomp stomp clap.]

[Stomp stomp clap.]

[Stomp stomp clap.]

[Stomp stomp clap.]

*I’ve had one person ask already, for the sake of future questions, Bruce is upstairs unable to get off the floor because he’s laughing too hard. Alfred is in the kitchen making tea for all of them. They’re fighters, not singers, their throats are not used to doing big musical numbers.*

anonymous asked:

As a platonically cuddly person, I often wonder about the levels of physical affection my favorite fictional folks are comfortable with, and how they typically show affection. What are your headcanons for the Batfam in this regard?

Bruce: not big on any form of cuddling, his friends are lucky to get a handshake and if they get like a hug or something it’s either the end of the world or not Bruce

Dick: a very cuddly, very tactile person. Definitely needs a cuddle buddy if he’s watching tv, believes in platonic hand holding

Jason: enjoys cuddling occasionally but doesn’t want to ask people because he’s got to keep up the whole tough guy persona, will casually lean on friends and siblings that are shorter than him

Tim: kind of awkward about it (especially about asking people to cuddle and whatnot) but his hands are always cold so he will find the nearest warm person and grab their hands

Damian: a lot like his dad but if he’s upset or scared or anything like that, he gets very cuddly (especially with Dick), otherwise he’s very reserved

Cass: really likes hugs from friends, enjoys sitting with people where their legs are intertwined and comfortable

Steph: a huge proponent of platonic affection and cuddling, will surprise hug her friends and family (with mixed reactions from recipients) but she makes sure everyone is comfortable with it first

Duke: a bit weird about it but if he sees that a friend really needs a hug or something, he’ll offer because he doesn’t want anyone to feel ignored or sad