dude needs to stop wearing my sweaters


Today I was downtown at the convention center. As I made my way out of the full underground parking ramp a Very Important Person cut me off. He had somewhere to go. Cross traffic be damned.

I slammed on my brakes and avoided hitting his car. Honking was pointless because he was already screeching up to the next level.

Here’s the thing. I was leaving but he was looking for a place to park. At the next level he had stopped at the sight of someone’s brake lights. Another driver appeared to be leaving a spot but it turned out she had just entered it. Oh that’s so sad for our impatient VIP. He took off but this time I was right behind him.

In his hurry he passed by an empty slot that was sort of hidden by a mini-van. Now it was time for VIP to hit the brakes. Which meant I had to stop - in front of the empty parking spot.

He put his car in reverse. Oh yeah, sure dude, when I see your reverse lights I’ll get the hell out of your way.


VIP waited for me to back up. No one was behind me. Yeah I moved… to pick up my phone. Then I started scrolling Tumblr.

I wanted to see what you guys were doing. Mallory had a graphic t-shirt post but she was wearing a sweater. That’s twice she’s broken the rules. Jenni sure does need a haircut. Jess’ mom came out of surgery OK. Marj danced in her classroom. None of the men posted anything; they must be busy working!

VIP beeped his horn. I scrolled my phone some more. It seemed like a long time but was probably just 90 seconds. The reverse lights went off and VIP left for another level to search again.

I won.

That bumper sticker in the other picture is on an early 80s Ford station wagon with fake wood grain paneling. “Hang up and drive” it says. I’m sure the owner of that Ford never has to be told that because he probably doesn’t have a phone.