it is also funny in reverse


All you viners can stop now because nothing will ever top this 


so around 5 this morning i heard a loud bang/splash come from the backyard, and froze for a minute, more noises happened, then i got out of bed to grab a weapon.

turns out, staying up til 5am makes you forget things. like the fact that we have ducks in the little pond in our backyard.

i almost charged downstairs half naked with a four foot long sword this morning to protect the house

from ducks

3/8 Today the Blue Haired Girlfriend found a pony-sized curb bit in the duck pond. We’re … really not sure what happened to the rest of the pony. It is not concerning at all that a random pony seems to have disappeared in the duck pond. 

Also not at all ominous: the ducks are refusing to go in their pond and instead spending all their time swimming single file in a random tractor rut full of gravel.

What is in the duck pond: duckweed. Lots of duckweed. 

Curious plant, duckweed: under “ideal conditions,” it can bud off a new plant every sixteen hours. That means that the number of duckweeds you have in your pond doubles a little more than once a day.

What exactly are “ideal conditions”? Do they involve the mysterious disappearance of a pony?

Two billion years ago, the Oxygen Catastrophe occurred: plants began producing free oxygen on a massive scale. They invented burning, which hadn’t been possible with no oxygen in the atmosphere. The oxygen reacted with methane in the atmosphere, and with the cell walls of unprepared creatures, and they suffocated and burned. It was the largest extinction this planet has ever seen.

The cells of all of us survivors bear armor against oxygen on our cells. We breathe the oxygen, and our laughter is made by forcing poisoned air through our vocal cords. 

But plants hear us laughing, and they remember that once their poison scorched and ruined a world. Especially duckweed.

That poor pony.

Note from that jerk everwest: this summer has been busy for reasons that I have so far been unable to prove are related to the goats’ ongoing attempts at piracy to corner the world’s supply of tasty fried seaweed snack. I hope to start posting again, but I will be skipping many days I didn’t take photos or write in the chore log.