I AM Fit to be a Mommy

Every day I open my inbox to a message that is along the lines of
“you shouldn’t be giving birth”
“your child is going to be fucked up”
“give it(the baby) up”
“you cant be a parent”
“you’re a shit person for getting pregnant”
“you’ve messed up that baby already by getting pregnant”

& there are so many more
& I’m really tired of it.
Because I have Dissociative Identity Disorder I am labeled unfit to be a mother. No matter how much I know that this is untrue, it can still break me down a bit.

This discrimination is making me sick to my stomach. How come everyone with a disorder, with a disability, to those who are trying, who actually love the children in their bellies, are told that they are unfit to be parents.
When there are people that are truly unfit being congratulated and being told that they will make “perfect parents”; when they WILL NOT. When drugs will take the front seat to their children, when alcohol will be bought before milk, when they baby will be unsafe just coming home. When the baby, just a few months old, is trying it’s hardest to survive, or to the unborn infant who is being filled with toxins day & night. Individuals who could care less about financial and environmental stability for their children. Among so many other things, so many other people. Tell me; how are they fit to be a parent?

Tell me, someone who will never do any of those things above & who has made a stable and beautiful environment for my unborn little love, is not.

I am not unfit to be a Mommy.
I will be an amazing Mommy to my little one.

  • I have a full-time job, in a manger position, which in a month I will be receiving a raise due to my out-standing work ethic.
  • I have graduated college with honors receiving the degree I dreamed of.
  • I am engaged to the most wonderful person in the world.
  • I have a beautiful home, which is stable and our fridge always has food and our bills are always paid.
  • I own my own car as does Aaron. Both of which have been paid off.
  • I have a well off, happy, adoring life .One that I worked very hard to achieve and I easily maintain.
  • I also have a beautiful, unwavering system. My alters are beautiful, respectable, well-rounded people.
  • I do not drink, smoke, party, take drugs, or do anything that is harmful to me or my baby and neither do my alters.

When I was in middle school, I took care of my little sisters. I cooked, I cleaned, I bathed them, I walked them to school every morning, I washed their clothes, I put them to bed, and I protected them when my parents couldn’t. I did so much more than that as well. With DID, with Depression, and with so much more going on in my life. However, I always put them first. They are both living happy, full lives. Not “messed up”.

I raised my nephew from the time he was two-weeks old until he was two-years (when he went to live with his mother & grandparents) when I was in Highschool with DID, depression, anxiety, and he is the happiest child you will ever meet. I still get him every other weekend and he loves those weekends the most. Knowing I have DID has not hampered him in any way nor has it “messed him up”. He enjoys doing laundry with Conner, watching movies with Arora, and he loves his Kikyou (what he calls Kiki); especially when she quotes his favorite movie lines and does his bedtime “magic spell”. He doesn’t even see me cry- because for him I will always smile. I will do the exact same for my baby.

That is not all either. I love Hachi with all of my heart and soul already. I loved Hachi before I even got to see a picture or hear a heartbeat. I’m not the only one. Kiki, Arora, and Kyokyo love Hachi with everything they have as well. Hachi is a part of ALL of our lives, not just mine.
Hachi will always come first for all of us and always will.

So I would love for someone to tell me exactly what makes me unfit to be a mother.

This discrimination needs to stop. 
This stigma needs to end.

EVERYONE is capable of happiness.
To be a parent. You just have to ensure that you are ready & that you will ensure that your baby will be given the best life possible.  
I am and I will.


Updates, hardships, and inspiration

Hey everyone! So I have been absent a lot lately. School has started and Kyokyo has been taking weight training (he seems to enjoy it a lot). He got some new wind-breaker pants but they’re too big =[ I’m going to try and find a pair of boy pants that will fit us, he won’t do girl jeans at all if he knows he’ll be the one out for a long period of time and we’re smaller than a 28 in boys so I am lost on what to do. Also it’s a bit weird coming back suddenly after he’s been out and I’m in boxers. I don’t mind though. I’m going to buy him some more pairs on payday. =]

I made a new friend in my Govt class and it has made me pretty happy, she seems really sweet.

Then work has kept me super busy…well, kept Kiki busy. Kiki seems to be out more and more. Arora has come out more as well lately and she seems to be happy. She started watching the Winx Club with Aaron and Aaron and Kyokyo are going to go get her some books and learning stuff next payday. She even took a shower all on her own which Aaron was so proud of her on. He laughed because when Kiki and I take a shower/bath, we don’t dry our hair. But when Kyokyo takes a bath (if he’s unlucky) then he has to super dry his hair and even blow-dries it sometimes. Arora came out and told Aaron “Daddy Kyokyo said you gotta dry your hair or you get sick” and she towel dried her hair. I guess little things like that interest me about everyone.

I never seem to get any free time to myself much anymore though; since school started all of my free time goes to the others and all of the switching has made me so drained and tired. It’s been a while since switching a lot has worn me out this bad but I guess it wasn’t something I was completely over. I don’t think that is something that will change though. I guess I feel a bit discouraged too so that is making me tired as well…I keep trying so hard to find help to improve my co-con with everyone and to work with my system but it’s just impossible to find anyone.

I did get a big boost of hope and joy though from my counselor at the College. I went and talked to her and she was so understanding and sweet. She said that we really wants to help us find someone to work with us, she was just so amazing and I really wish that we could work with her. She told me that we’re not the first multiples that she has worked and she was so inspiring. She didn’t treat me like I had some sort of disease, she didn’t treat me like I was going to switch and scare her. She told us that if any of us just need to talk to come see her that she really wants the best for us. I told her that I don’t want to integrate and she told me that was amazing and she said she’s going to help me find a specialist and possibly an in-town group. I could go on forever about this beautiful wonderful woman. She just made my heart so light and made me so happy. <3


=[ I really, really dislike going to see new doctors…

Having to explain and then get treated so badly. Like I have a disease. 

I really need to find a new doctors office.

Does anyone know any good doctors Houston/Galveston area  that treats depression and DID one that  specialize in DID.


ps. Other than my doctors visit today was a good first day of school. Kyokyo really enjoys his weight training class and he was out all morning <3