Trance Thursday || A Beginner's Guide to Electronic Meditation

Trance Thursday || A Beginner’s Guide to Electronic Meditation

Meditation improves concentration, decreases inflammation, and even fights cancer! My preferred method of meditation is psytrance. Try some different styles of meditation and see what works for you.

1) Kundalini      Celebration of Life – DU3

Kundalini is the rising stream of energy in every human being. One uses ones breath to focus on this stream and ride it to infinity.

2) Guided Imagery      

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I AM Fit to be a Mommy

Every day I open my inbox to a message that is along the lines of
“you shouldn’t be giving birth”
“your child is going to be fucked up”
“give it(the baby) up”
“you cant be a parent”
“you’re a shit person for getting pregnant”
“you’ve messed up that baby already by getting pregnant”

& there are so many more
& I’m really tired of it.
Because I have Dissociative Identity Disorder I am labeled unfit to be a mother. No matter how much I know that this is untrue, it can still break me down a bit.

This discrimination is making me sick to my stomach. How come everyone with a disorder, with a disability, to those who are trying, who actually love the children in their bellies, are told that they are unfit to be parents.
When there are people that are truly unfit being congratulated and being told that they will make “perfect parents”; when they WILL NOT. When drugs will take the front seat to their children, when alcohol will be bought before milk, when they baby will be unsafe just coming home. When the baby, just a few months old, is trying it’s hardest to survive, or to the unborn infant who is being filled with toxins day & night. Individuals who could care less about financial and environmental stability for their children. Among so many other things, so many other people. Tell me; how are they fit to be a parent?

Tell me, someone who will never do any of those things above & who has made a stable and beautiful environment for my unborn little love, is not.

I am not unfit to be a Mommy.
I will be an amazing Mommy to my little one.

  • I have a full-time job, in a manger position, which in a month I will be receiving a raise due to my out-standing work ethic.
  • I have graduated college with honors receiving the degree I dreamed of.
  • I am engaged to the most wonderful person in the world.
  • I have a beautiful home, which is stable and our fridge always has food and our bills are always paid.
  • I own my own car as does Aaron. Both of which have been paid off.
  • I have a well off, happy, adoring life .One that I worked very hard to achieve and I easily maintain.
  • I also have a beautiful, unwavering system. My alters are beautiful, respectable, well-rounded people.
  • I do not drink, smoke, party, take drugs, or do anything that is harmful to me or my baby and neither do my alters.

When I was in middle school, I took care of my little sisters. I cooked, I cleaned, I bathed them, I walked them to school every morning, I washed their clothes, I put them to bed, and I protected them when my parents couldn’t. I did so much more than that as well. With DID, with Depression, and with so much more going on in my life. However, I always put them first. They are both living happy, full lives. Not “messed up”.

I raised my nephew from the time he was two-weeks old until he was two-years (when he went to live with his mother & grandparents) when I was in Highschool with DID, depression, anxiety, and he is the happiest child you will ever meet. I still get him every other weekend and he loves those weekends the most. Knowing I have DID has not hampered him in any way nor has it “messed him up”. He enjoys doing laundry with Conner, watching movies with Arora, and he loves his Kikyou (what he calls Kiki); especially when she quotes his favorite movie lines and does his bedtime “magic spell”. He doesn’t even see me cry- because for him I will always smile. I will do the exact same for my baby.

That is not all either. I love Hachi with all of my heart and soul already. I loved Hachi before I even got to see a picture or hear a heartbeat. I’m not the only one. Kiki, Arora, and Kyokyo love Hachi with everything they have as well. Hachi is a part of ALL of our lives, not just mine.
Hachi will always come first for all of us and always will.

So I would love for someone to tell me exactly what makes me unfit to be a mother.

This discrimination needs to stop. 
This stigma needs to end.

EVERYONE is capable of happiness.
To be a parent. You just have to ensure that you are ready & that you will ensure that your baby will be given the best life possible.  
I am and I will.


Video idea

Hello everyone, I want to do a 24 hours with a newborn with DID. The plan would be to video small clips throughout a day while we take care of Adrian. We typically switch anywhere between three and four times so most of us interact with little man each day, I of course have to ask Aaron & maybe Ashley for their assistance on the project. Conner will give me no hassles about it, he already records with the baby often, so I would just need him to talk to Leia.
Does this idea seem good to you guys?
I would love your honest options. Thank you.
Kiki Redwine


I wanted to so sincerely apologize about the lack of activity not only on our YouTube but also on our Tumblr.

We have all had so, so much going on with the pregnancy and just trying to work together as a system.

We are all so happy to be bringing a new life into this world. With that new, beautiful life comes lots of change, it was not just for me but for my whole system, family, and of course Aaron.

We have already started these changes, some expected and some not, and we were just trying to get into the groove of things.

Pregnancy has also been very hard on my body. We have had such a sensitive pregnancy with so many scares along the way, for Adrian’s health and our own. I am so stoked to report that our little baby boy is doing great! He is growing normally & I think I may even go full term with him! I couldn’t be more happy or thankful for that! His heart is strong & he is the most active baby in the world. <3

I also wanted to thank everyone for all of the wonderful messages and worries! THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH! You are all so amazing & I definitely don’t deserve it. We all feel your love 100% and thank you for helping keep our spirits high when they would get low. Each and everyone one of you has touched our hearts in so many amazing ways. Thank you for traveling this journey with us & supporting us along the way.

Going into the New Year, I want to be more involved in Mental Health in general. I want to continue to make videos on YouTube, with the help of my system and partner. I do not know how well we will be able to keep up but since starting new medication and settling into a new part of my life I feel like we can do this if we work together! <3

I will not only focus on DID as I have in the past, I want to try and educate myself in more than just the disorders that either I or my alters suffer from. I want to be able to help people in more than just one way. I want to see people smile & accept themselves, completely, & be the person that I needed when I was younger and lost.

I am going to try and make an update video soon on how we have been.

Thank you to everyone who has been so amazing to us! You are like family to us. <3



Adrian & Retinoblastoma

Hello guys <3
Feb 19, I am again at the hospital for Adrian to have an eye exam procedure & my heart is always heavy when we come. I am always scared to death of what I may be told & it is one of the hardest things that not only me, but my system & Aaron, have gone though.
We have only mentioned this once, but Adrian is at a high risk of developing retinoblastoma. Retinoblastoma is an eye cancer that begins in the retina — the sensitive lining on the inside of your eye.
We have done twice to Memorial Herman, the leading in cancer care & to the top retinoblastoma specialist around. They have been absolutely outstanding! They treat my little man so well.
Aaron, and his father, both suffered from RB during their childhood and unfortunately they both lost one of their eyes. For Aaron’s father his family was not aware of RB & then with Aaron they had no way of knowing that it was genetic.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant we told the doctors that we need to have him checked as soon as possible to save his eye.
We knew that if we caught RB early enough we would save his eye because they would be able to remove the cancer before it took over his eye.
3 days after Adrian was born we were at MH bright & early for him to have his first eye appointment. He is the youngest baby they have ever had.
They had to dilate his eyes and place him under anesthesia for his procedure.
They took pictures of his eyes and they informed us that if they found any traces of RB they would go into immediate surgery and remove it.
We sat waiting to hear from the doctor once he went back.
Finally we were able to go back to the recovery room to be with our little man!
He was being cuddled by one of the nurses who was so in love & was wide awake. Groggy from the anesthesia but was loving the attention from the pretty nurse =]
Finally we were together with our Hachi again and was able to talk to the doctor.
He is RB free!!! <3
She was so happy for us, as was Adrian’s nurse, who cried out of happiness alongside me they my baby is cancer free!
You guys have no idea how happy I was, how happy I am.
Feb 19 we relieved his second clear! Still now RB and my hope are so high! The doctor says that since she hasn’t seen it yet, then she highly doubts he will ever develop it.
We have to go every few weeks for tests but I am so relieved that Adrian is okay! <3
What she did find however is that Adrian has a freckle on his right eye. The same freckle I have =3 he proved that you are born with freckles on the eye and they don’t develop at an elder age. That was really cool. <3
We go back again on the 12th of March but I know he will be just fine.
Thank you guys for letting me share!
Please keep us in your thoughts for that date! I love you guys so, so much!

In All Honesty

Last night I had a long talk with one of my friends about my DID. We were talking about how her mom now knows, how she could tell the differences if she’s paying close attention, and about how I felt about it.

I found out that her mom found out though YT and when she asked about it to my friend, she said that she had always been curious about DID. That she had wondered what had happened to me to make me the way that I am and what I plan to do as far as recovery that if it were her she would want to integrate.

My friend assured her that integration was not something that I would be doing, that I don’t want to because I have gotten to a good understanding with my alters. Sometimes when I feel insecure I do think about it, I’m not perfect, and everyone has that feeling of wanting to be “normal”. DID has been a big stress on my life. I have to share between myself and three other people- and more before that, I have a hard time making friends, and connections with my family, and of course it causes problems in my relationship. Time seems to go at an extraordinary speed for me and it never slows down. Weeks pass in one day to me and sometimes I always feel like I’m missing something, and honestly I am scared that new alters may form or old ones may return like Kyokyo did. There is a lot that comes with DID but that goes for EVERY illness and disorder out there. Mental or not. 

 But having DID has also saved me on many occasions. I would not be alive today if it was not for my DID, so when those thoughts of what it would be like to integrate hit my head I feel absolutely guilty because that just would not be fair and looking at my life now I would not want to lose them. As silly as people think it is, and even though a lot of people judge me for it- I love Kiki, Kyokyo, and Arora. They are what hold me together. I view them as unique individuals, and I’m not stupid I know that they are a part of me; I know that something happened to me that forced my mind to create them to protect myself. Aaron has told me the things that Kyokyo and Kiki say about themselves. Kiki believes that she is a flawed defense mechanism because of how her feelings have grown. She’s not an emotionless robot. And due to that she thinks that she is broken, and Kyokyo still swirls into massive waves of depression because he still lives in those uncertainties and wondering who he is or even what he truly is. That hurts my heart. I love everyone. I really do. I am not the only one to love everyone either. We all have been accepted by so many people and it warms my heart knowing that maybe, just maybe, there is hope in the world.

  We are not the same people. Alters, to me, are real people. That deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. They are not fake or invisible friends and they are not some sort of sick role play. Kyokyo, Kiki, and Arora feel love, they feel happiness and sadness, they can smile, they can cry. They have their own unique mannerisms, their own voice, their own thoughts, their own views, their own likes and dislikes, and everything.

 I know that I am not self-sufficient; my therapist accused me of that many times because of how I lean so heavily on Kiki and Kyokyo to get though day by day. But that is my life and despite everything I truly am happy. Because I am learning to accept myself.

I don’t know all of what happened to me in the past- a strong part of me really wants to know but at the same time I am petrified of what I might learn. So I will continue to put it off- until I know that I can handle it.

I started my Tumblr and YouTube because I wanted to fight the myths of DID and raise awareness. Even with having DID I feel like I am so in the dark. I’m not psychologist so I do not know the ins and outs of my own disorder and it scares me. I want to promote research of this disorder to shed some sort of light of what is going on within.

 I want to prove that you can live a semi-normal life with DID and that you can be happy. I want to show that though there are dark times there is always a light, even if it is a tiny shimmer. I know that DID is a hardship- every mental illness is, but why does DID have to be casted into the shadows of danger and unhappiness. You can be happy, you can cope with anything that comes your way, and you can live a life worth living with DID. Sure, it is a lot of extra work but no-one’s life is perfect and everyone goes through their own trials. Everyone has to fight their way to happiness, it never comes easy, but I still stand by my belief that HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE! Sometimes, I forget that myself, and I have to sit down and truly dig deep and the ones that pull me back are Kiki, Kyokyo, and Arora. I know that we can do this. I know that we can live happily, I already am, and I know that there will be more challenges along the way but I know that we can take them on- together. I know that we can live together. I know that this is my life and I accept it. I know that even though we are difference- our chances at life are just the same as everyone else’s. All we have to do is keep trying.

That is why I do this- I want to help people. I know that I don’t have everything down myself, not even close, but I try to give the best advice that I can and I try to be somewhat of someone that I needed when I was young. And I truly hope that I can make an itty bitty difference. I really hope that everyone is smiling and that in their hearts they know that they can live a happy, fulfilling, and absolutely wonderful life no matter what.


Last night was pretty amazing.

My friends made me special Jello Shots that said “Devii” on them which made my day when I went to the party. I drank wayyyyyy to much and got completely wasted even knowing that when I am drunk that I run a higher chance of switching, if surrounded by people, which we were.

Question to anyone that is willing to answer: does anyone else experience a harder time controlling your switching when inebriated? And does anyone know why it might be harder?

Or are we just weird. 

I did switch but things turned out just fine actually. =3

The party started with me out and from there Aaron said that Kiki came out due to something that happened and she was needed. So Kiki completely and utterly embarrassed me, well I was embarrassed this morning when Aaron told me, but it wasn’t a big deal what she did or anything and mostly people laughed from what Aaron said so I’m not going to let myself get stuck on it. Still embarrassed though.

Kyokyo came out after Kiki because of a mess that needed to be picked up. Aaron said that you can definitely tell that Kyokyo is a father because he helped take care of one of our good friends son when he came out and Aaron said it was awesome to see that side of Kyokyo. Kyokyo then hung out with some people, he even got formally introduced to one of my close friends, and then just did whatever. Aaron said that he wasn’t with him after this point so we don’t know what he did from there. 

Then I came back, drank more, and went to bed.

But I’m not worried this time. Normally when I wake up with the black spot in the middle, not all the way though, I get really worried but I’m completely fine now. Aaron was able to tell what triggered everyone and help me connect the dots. I had a lot of fun and some of the guests we had know about my DID so it was nice not to have to explain the changes, ect. Which to me…it is so bizarre. Last time I drank and switched…I had a bad experience and I ended up losing a very dear friend of mine after I explained my DID to her. Though she told me that it helped her understand me…she slowly started to put a distance between us. And I can understand why. Because of all of the stigma that surrounds us about DID.

In a brighter light though: I had a lot of fun and apparently so did Kiki and Kyokyo so it was a good night. =3


To keep track of events in our lives or the try and recall memories, we often go by what year of school the body was in instead of going by a specific age.

I believe that we do this because by this time all of our ages had been well established and there use to be other alters back then, which brought even more confusion when it came to age sake.

Does anyone else keep track of time this way?

Kiki Redwine

Dear Parents

This video is to the parents of a child with DID

I haven’t made a video in quite a bit but here’s my latest one. It is a different pace than what I normally do but I felt like this subject was very important to talk about. The video didn’t come out at all how I had hoped but it was my third try at it and I decided third times the charm and posted it.  I might be redoing it soon. 

Night everyone!

Anyone Else Experience This?

Sometimes, when I am sitting in class and I am trying to listen to lecture sometimes it seems like everyone is talking in some language that I can’t understand at all. I mean, I know they’re talking in English but it doesn’t seem that way to me and I can’t make out their words. I end up dissociating pretty bad at this point and then Kiki tries to come out in the middle of class, that she would have no idea of what they were talking about because she hasn’t read any of the books we need to read for this class. Does this happen to anyone else? How do you cope with it?

beautiful-paintedwings asked:

Let me know if I'm overstepping my boundaries or anything. I just think that it's amazing that you're so open and happy with your alters. A big part of living with a-typical mental health is people just don't get it. They think you should always be trying to be 'normal' but it's rare to see someone embrace their disorder and live happily with them. Hopefully it's okay for me to say that! I'm anxious about offending you to be honest.

You’re not by any means, I really enjoy answering questions to give people an inside look of what it is like to have DID. Spreading the awareness is so important to me.

For the longest time, I would often cry a lot and say “I just want to be normal”. I wanted to be like everyone else, I didn’t want to accept my conditions and I wanted them to disappear. I just wanted to fit in with everyone else. Recently, I have realized that not being the same as everyone is actually a good thing because everyone is so uniquely different and that is what makes them beautiful. No one person is the same as the next and that is what makes life worth living and exciting.

I think it is important for people to embrace themselves in any way that they can. I don’t believe that everyone with a disorder has to be unhappy because happiness is always possible! Sometime, it just harder for others to find it. Everyone has hardships in their life that is a part of being alive. I believe that if you can live happily then you shouldn’t let your disorders hold you down. And if you can help spread awareness and help even just one person-than it is worth it. I really hope to show others with DID that they are not alone. And if someone like me, who was lost and alone when they realize that they have DID, they have something to turn to for information and support. I want everyone to be able to smile!

A lot of people believe that if you have a mental health disorder than you can never be happy, you will always suffer, and will never be successful. A wonderful girl named Jess (she runs the Multiplicity and Me tumblr), was just told some awful things about her positive views on DID. They told her that she should not be so happy. I couldn’t believe this because I don’t think that people should be brought down and told that they don’t have the right to be happy. Jess and her boys, along with others in the DID community, are what motivated me to make my own tumblr and YouTube account and gave me strength. It is so lovely to be able to accept your past and all of you and not feel ashamed of who you are, to embrace yourself as a whole. That is what everyone strives for in life I think, in some way, shape, or form.

Your Tumblr does this as well, I think it is absolutely motivational that you provide such a helping hand to those who went through what you did. You are so brave for all that you do! It is beautiful that you have given people a chance to see that they are not alone and that you can heal. Thank you for what you do =]

Not all Parents are Parents

Yesterday I graduated from college with my Associates in the Arts in Teaching EC (early childhood)-6 with honors.

However…it was an absolutely terrible day for me.

(This is going to be a heartfelt rant)

Keep reading

DID Study Resources

1. Fact or Factitious? A Psychobiological Study of Authentic and Simulated Dissociative Identity States.



2. Meeting the needs of clients with dissociative identity disorder: considerations for psychothreapy




So I am reading the Divergent Series which are absolutely amazing!! But while I was reading it, I started to think what factions my alters would fit into.

I think Kiki would definitely be Dauntless; because she is the strongest and bravest person I know <3

Arora would fit well into into Abnegation because she is pretty selfless but also well into Amity because she is also peaceful and her biggest dream is for everyone to be happy.

Kyokyo would be Divergent because he is selfless, brave, and honest. And he also always strives to make everyone happy. He has even taken Arora under his wing pretty big lately. He told Aaron that Arora is like a daughter to him. =]

Anyone else reading the series? What factions would your alters fit into?