Last night I had a long talk with one of my friends about my DID. We were talking about how her mom now knows, how she could tell the differences if she’s paying close attention, and about how I felt about it.
I found out that her mom found out though YT and when she asked about it to my friend, she said that she had always been curious about DID. That she had wondered what had happened to me to make me the way that I am and what I plan to do as far as recovery that if it were her she would want to integrate.
My friend assured her that integration was not something that I would be doing, that I don’t want to because I have gotten to a good understanding with my alters. Sometimes when I feel insecure I do think about it, I’m not perfect, and everyone has that feeling of wanting to be “normal”. DID has been a big stress on my life. I have to share between myself and three other people- and more before that, I have a hard time making friends, and connections with my family, and of course it causes problems in my relationship. Time seems to go at an extraordinary speed for me and it never slows down. Weeks pass in one day to me and sometimes I always feel like I’m missing something, and honestly I am scared that new alters may form or old ones may return like Kyokyo did. There is a lot that comes with DID but that goes for EVERY illness and disorder out there. Mental or not.
But having DID has also saved me on many occasions. I would not be alive today if it was not for my DID, so when those thoughts of what it would be like to integrate hit my head I feel absolutely guilty because that just would not be fair and looking at my life now I would not want to lose them. As silly as people think it is, and even though a lot of people judge me for it- I love Kiki, Kyokyo, and Arora. They are what hold me together. I view them as unique individuals, and I’m not stupid I know that they are a part of me; I know that something happened to me that forced my mind to create them to protect myself. Aaron has told me the things that Kyokyo and Kiki say about themselves. Kiki believes that she is a flawed defense mechanism because of how her feelings have grown. She’s not an emotionless robot. And due to that she thinks that she is broken, and Kyokyo still swirls into massive waves of depression because he still lives in those uncertainties and wondering who he is or even what he truly is. That hurts my heart. I love everyone. I really do. I am not the only one to love everyone either. We all have been accepted by so many people and it warms my heart knowing that maybe, just maybe, there is hope in the world.
We are not the same people. Alters, to me, are real people. That deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. They are not fake or invisible friends and they are not some sort of sick role play. Kyokyo, Kiki, and Arora feel love, they feel happiness and sadness, they can smile, they can cry. They have their own unique mannerisms, their own voice, their own thoughts, their own views, their own likes and dislikes, and everything.
I know that I am not self-sufficient; my therapist accused me of that many times because of how I lean so heavily on Kiki and Kyokyo to get though day by day. But that is my life and despite everything I truly am happy. Because I am learning to accept myself.
I don’t know all of what happened to me in the past- a strong part of me really wants to know but at the same time I am petrified of what I might learn. So I will continue to put it off- until I know that I can handle it.
I started my Tumblr and YouTube because I wanted to fight the myths of DID and raise awareness. Even with having DID I feel like I am so in the dark. I’m not psychologist so I do not know the ins and outs of my own disorder and it scares me. I want to promote research of this disorder to shed some sort of light of what is going on within.
I want to prove that you can live a semi-normal life with DID and that you can be happy. I want to show that though there are dark times there is always a light, even if it is a tiny shimmer. I know that DID is a hardship- every mental illness is, but why does DID have to be casted into the shadows of danger and unhappiness. You can be happy, you can cope with anything that comes your way, and you can live a life worth living with DID. Sure, it is a lot of extra work but no-one’s life is perfect and everyone goes through their own trials. Everyone has to fight their way to happiness, it never comes easy, but I still stand by my belief that HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE! Sometimes, I forget that myself, and I have to sit down and truly dig deep and the ones that pull me back are Kiki, Kyokyo, and Arora. I know that we can do this. I know that we can live happily, I already am, and I know that there will be more challenges along the way but I know that we can take them on- together. I know that we can live together. I know that this is my life and I accept it. I know that even though we are difference- our chances at life are just the same as everyone else’s. All we have to do is keep trying.
That is why I do this- I want to help people. I know that I don’t have everything down myself, not even close, but I try to give the best advice that I can and I try to be somewhat of someone that I needed when I was young. And I truly hope that I can make an itty bitty difference. I really hope that everyone is smiling and that in their hearts they know that they can live a happy, fulfilling, and absolutely wonderful life no matter what.