drunks are insane

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They are all amazing and deserves a ton of love!

Also as well as @insane-ej-blog, she needs as much love and support as she can get! She deserves everything, and all I wish is for her well-being and safety. :3

Hogwarts Houses While Drunk
  • for anon
  • Gryffindor: they laugh louder, yell to each other, and cheer more. Gryffindor are the type to form new friendships and relationships while drunk.
  • Slytherin: they make insane plans and attempt to carry them out while drunk. They're the type to wake up the next morning with mysterious injuries and amused friends.
  • Ravenclaw: the most talkative drunks. They tend to say whatever they're thinking when they're drunk, leading to much discussion of conspiracies and wild insights.
  • Hufflepuff: they're emotional drunks, and are very likely to confess feelings or call their family in the middle of the night just to talk. Hufflepuffs usually tend to be less affected by alcohol

I’m drowning at work and on the verge of a nervous break down. Today, my boss gave me multiple client files who were failing to show to appointments. The first thing I did was laugh, and continue to laugh, for about a whole minute. 

And then just I blurted out, “No, you see it’s funny, because you don’t even KNOW how much alcohol I’m going to have to drink to have the courage to come in tomorrow.” 

The Cheeky Christmas Present

Originally posted by giffing-the-screen

Request -  Deadpool buys you a sexy Christmas getup or gift. 

Pairing - Wade Wilson X Reader (No Gender specificed) 

Wordcount - 1,165

Warnings - Mature themes, Sexual references, Strong Language, brief mention of a daddy kink. 


It was Christmas Eve, Tony was throwing his annual Christmas Party and you were meant to go. You would have gone as well except Tony had previously banned Wade from the tower so you decided to opt out of the Christmas party this year and stay home with Wade. After all, it was your first Christmas together  in your new apartment, so you ditched the idea of getting insanely drunk at the tower to spend Christmas Eve with your boyfriend, Wade Wilson. Wade was completely unaware of your change in plans for this evening. 

After stopping by a couple of stores to grab some last minute supplies.  Candy canes, a lot of alcohol, dinner for tonight, chocolate and some other things. Weasel was coming for Christmas dinner tomorrow, Weasel was a nice enough person and besides Weasel spent most of his time around yours anyway. He had slowly become a part of your life and certainly a great friend. 

“Honey, I’m home.” You called out as you pushed the door open.

“Stop!” You halted at Wade’s words, what had Wade been up to this time? Please don’t tell me he wired the house with bobby traps again. It took him days to get rid of them all last time. You thought as Wade came running into the hallway, Wade was quick to passionately kiss you. 

“What have you done this time?” You asked. Wade pointed up at the doorframe to notice a sprig of mistletoe. You wished you hadn’t come to conclusions but Wade was known for causing mischief. 

“Nothing. Other than putting mistletoe on every doorframe around the apartment, so you best keep those lips hydrated because I am going to be kissin’ those sweet lips a lot-wait. Why aren’t you at Stark’s extravagant party, the one I am banned from because I might have made a few adjustments to his suit. I happened to think the adjustments made an improvement” You kissed Wade, once more before walking into the apartment, placing the bags down. You still needed to grab all the alcohol from the car. 

“I decided that I would rather spend Christmas Eve with you instead. I spend so much of my time with the Avengers and not that I don’t love them all. I want to spend Christmas Eve with my boyfriend.” Wade was shocked that you wanted to spend Christmas Eve with him. He knew you loved him and he loved you but before you both started seeing each other you always went to Tony Stark’s Christmas Eve party. Wade was glad he didn’t have to spend Chrismas on his own. You retraced your steps walking over to Wade with a smile on your face as you wrapped your arms around him, he kissed your forhead, nose and then your lips, pressing several short kisses to your lips. 

“So I brought some take out, the beer is in the car. I also bought you more candy canes. I’m just going to get the beer from the car and after that why don’t we spend a very relaxed Christmas Eve on the couch.” Wade smiled, removing the hair from your face.

“I’ll go and get the beer from the car, while you get changed. I want that cute ass of yours on the couch by the time I return or so help me there will be consequences.” Wade took your car keys and you began to head to your shared bedroom, Wade was quick to playfully slap your ass. Turning around you winked at him, before running away. 


When Wade returned (much to his disappointment) You were on the couch, changed with a blanket wrapped around you. Wade was highly considering enforcing those consequences anyway. Wade popped open a couple of beers before heading to spend Christmas Eve with his beloved. 

As it got closer and closer to Midnight, Wade was dying to give you one of your Christmas presents now. He thought about it for several moments before  thinking fuck it 

“Hey baby, you know how some couples give each other one gift on Christmas Eve.” Looking up at Wade you nodded, he leant forward kissing you again. He could not keep his hands or his lips off of you, and he wasn’t intending to for much longer either. 

“Why don’t we do that? You gave up Tony’s party to spend time with me so why not?” Sitting up, you turned yourself so you could look at Wade fully. 

“Wade, I didn’t give up Tony’s Christmas Party to spend time with you. I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend on Christmas Eve, which is perfectly normal for anyone, besides I’ve had the best Christmas Eve I’ve had a long time. I’m thinking about spending Christmas this way for a very long time. So let’s exchange one present.” You and Wade got off the couch towards the Christmas tree.  Crouching down beside the tree and next to Wade, you decided to present him with one of his smaller presents. Wade was never one to be paitent so he tore of the paper, exclaiming. 

“You brought me red boxer shorts. How did you know? I will no longer have to worry about bleeding through my pants when I get shoot up mainstream. Thank you love.” Wade leaned over to kiss you softly. You hadn’t expected Wade to take your present so seriously, but regardless knowing that Wade appreciated it ment the world to you. 

When Wade passed you the present he decided to let you open. You tore off the paper, to reveal Wade had bought you a sexy Christmas outfit. A smirk on your lips you dashed off towards your room to get changed. Wade orginally thought you hated his Christmas present but when you came back into the livingroom standing there in his choosen outfit he smirked.  

“Mr Wilson, I believe you still have something to unwrap.” Wade’s eyes widened. Of-course Wade had pictured you in the sexy outfit before he brought it but he could have never imagined how beautiful and sexy it would have looked on you. The way it excentuated your curves, perfectly. 

Wade stood up egger to unwrap his extra Christmas Eve present. He was going to make sure that you enjoyed every inch of his Christmas present, and to make his beautiful partner feel good as well. 

“I’ll be in there a second baby. Don’t you dare do anything. There’s something I gotta do.” You nodded slipping into the bedroom. 

“Hey everyone, and yes I’m talking to you the person who’s reading right now. I just wanted to wish you a very merry Christmas and I hope you have a incrediable new year. Remember to be safe and be kind to one another, you get where I’m going with this right. Anyway, Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Now I’m off begin my own Christmas.” 

“Wade are coming?” You called. 

“I am now. See you later guys, Daddy’s got some unwrapping to do.” 

Breathing down the collective neck,
Can you feel it?
It smells like traces of swallowed insanity.
Drunk on hatred,
A fermented wine
Made from grapes of wrath
Gulped down by the thirsty lost souls;
America -
You will wake to one almighty hangover.
—  And a four year long splitting headache // @rarasworldbro

Sitting in the bar with three empty whiskey glasses in front of me, I stared off into the distance before focusing my vision on a light brown-haired girl sitting in the back of the stuffy bar with a cherry martini perched in her hand. With her hair pulled back into a messy pony tail, the smallest of light illuminated her face, showcasing the freckles that covered her cheeks and her nose. Then it clicked. Bela. She looked different from the last time I had seen her in that coffee shop in Tuscon. Savaya Coffee Market. I remembered all the photos and polaroids we had taken that were sitting at the bottom of the kitchen drawer in my apartment. There were still pictures of her in my phone from the one week we had spent together. She seemed more tan than before with even more freckles on the tip of her nose.

She was engrossed in a National Geographic magazine like the one she always kept in her car when she was bored. I was hesitant to disturb her in this beautiful, calm moment of hers. But unable to control myself, I heard the heels of my shoes clicking across the hardwood floor to the back of the bar. I sat across from her in the dimly lit booth, glancing at the magazine she was so fascinated by, waiting for her to look up and notice me.

“Hey,” I whispered. Her eyes immediately shot up and widened at the sight of my witty smile.

“Look, I don’t have time for your useless flirting techniques so I would appreciate you leaving me alone,” she commanded. Her focus went right back to the magazine. Strands of her hair fell out of her ponytail.

“So you don’t recognize me?” I whispered again, flashing a small smirk at her. Her eyes focused back on me and she stared me until her green eyes widened again.

“Shawn,” she whispered quietly under her breathe. “What are you doing in the middle of Chicago at 2am?”

“Getting drunk and regretting every mistake I made in the past four years.” I spoke softly. “What about you?”

“Enjoying a nice martini while waiting for my check to arrive so I can leave.” She bit her lip, a tell I remembered that meant she was turned on somehow.

“Do you want to know why I came over here?” I spoke groggily, hunching over the table, keeping my brown eyes right on her.

“Why?” She smirked, interested in the conversation.

I leaned into her and whispered in her ear, “Because you were a mistake.” I leaned back, pressing my back close against the booth cushions.

“Why was I a mistake?” She leaned in even closer to me and I had definitely gotten her full attention.

“Because I should not have let you go.” The alcohol was kicking in and I could feel myself losing control over my words and thoughts. “You were on an exciting adventure traveling around the world and I should have come with you instead of living such a sucky life in Seattle for four long years. I wasted four years there without you. It only took one week to somehow get addicted to you and I just can’t seem to forget those-” I was suddenly locked tightly in a passionate kiss with her lips leading the way. The butterflies came back, banging in my stomach, and everything felt right again. My heart was racing and pumping warm blood through my body, giving me a tingling sensation all over my back. Her lips still tasted of the same raspberry lip balm with just a touch of alcohol from the martini. They were soft like butter and left me only wanting more and more and more. But she pulled away, looking deep into my eyes with the same quirky smile.

“You are really drunk.” She gathered up her stuff, placed $10 onto the table and left the bar without another word.

Something in me snapped and even in this drunken state of being, all I could think was, I’m not letting her leave. Not this time. I ran out of the heated bar, hastily pulling out a $20 bill and slamming it onto the bar counter before rushing out to find her. I sprinted through the lobby of the hotel, tripping and stumbling all over the place, knocking into everything in sight. As soon as I stepped outside into the parking lot, I could feel the chilly air hit me hard, but it wasn’t stopping me from getting to her.

I found her in the parking lot, leaning against the same 2010 white Rover she had back in Tuscon, a scar right in the front where she collided into a tree in Boulder. The back door of her car was wide open with her hidden behind it. I paused just for a second just to make sure I was doing the right thing. Should I do this is stupid. She might not want me back. But can let her go. I need her. I swiftly walked over to the door just as she was getting up and turning around. I grabbed her by the waist and drew her body close to mine until they were touching.

“I might be too drunk to drive or to run properly but even sober, I know that I was insane to let you leave my life for even a second. I should have ran after you when you left Tuscon for Los Angeles. I should have dropped everything for you. I regret it but now that I have to chance to change everything, I want to dive right in and earn your love again.” My heart was beating so fast and I could barely process the words I was saying. She was breathing heavily on my chest, staring down at the asphalt ground of the parking lot. She slowly lifted her eyes back to mine.

“You need to get sober before you start having big talks.” She tried twisting of my grasp but I was not letting her go.

“Please. I might be drunk now, but I know that I need you in my life more than I’ver ever needed anything before. It’s painful, it’s absurd. But that’s how I feel and I can’t change that.”

“This is insane.”

“I’m okay with that.”

“Maybe I miss you too. Maybe I feel the same way. But it’s impossible with me traveling everywhere building my portfolio and you with a stable job back in Seattle. I don’t want to hold either of us back.” She pushed her hand on my chest, trying to create some distance between the two of us.

I pulled her closer and whispered into her ear, “We’ll make it work.” Suddenly her lips found themselves back onto mine, in the same way they just were, in the same way they have always been. Our bodies pushed even closer and her hands started combing through my dark brown hair while mine found that one tingling spot on her shoulder with the angel wing tattoo. I kept tracing it with my finger over and over again. We forced ourselves together and fell backward into the Rover, sliding in as far as we could. With the back door closed, we continued our passion with her right leg wrapped around my legs. Her hands wrapped tightly around my neck and her fingers caressed down my spine. My lips traveled down her neck, finding that sweet spot just above her collarbone. Her foot immediately kicked on the radio in the car, blasting music throughout the air.

SO BABY PULL ME CLOSER IN THE BACK SEAT OF YOUR ROVER THAT I KNOW YOU CAN’T AFFORD, BITE THAT TATTOO ON YOUR SHOULDER, PULL THE SHEETS RIGHT OFF THE CORNER OF-

My hand reached out and turned the radio off until the car is silent again, our heavy breathing the only thing audible.

“Well that was convenient. So,” I looked back at her sprawled on the back seat. “What do you want me to do now?”

“To press me against your body. To kiss me everywhere. To pull me closer. And closer. And closer.”

—  The stories in a song // CLOSER - CHAINSMOKERS feat. Halsey // Krystal
Parenthood (Wade Wilson x Reader)

 ‘just because I said you could spend £80 on clothes didn’t mean you HAD to spend £80 on clothes’ my parents 2k16

-Jazz

Request; CAN U DO A WADE WILSON IMAGINE? Where the reader is pregnant? Pretty please!!! Also I just found you account today and it’s bomb diggity. :) (I’m not sure if you write deadpool imagine if you don’t sorry I understand :)

Other characters featured; none 

KEY

Y/N - Your name

Y/L/N - Your Last Name

Warnings; swearing, mentions sex but not super directly and there’s legit no detail 

Word count; 554 

Originally posted by nerdreamer


‘Shit.’ You murmured under your breath. ‘Shit!’

You threw the pregnancy test onto the kitchen counter, leaning against the wall. It wasn’t uncommon for a child to accidentally conceive - Protection can split, and the pill wasn’t completely foolproof.

But you weren’t even careful. It had been your birthday about three weeks previous, you and Wade both got insanely drunk - And forgotten to take any precaution.

Wade was due home in about fifteen minutes, and you were feeling even more anxious as every second passed. You grabbed each test you’d done. You’d bought several - And every one of them had confirmed you were going to be parents.

The increasing amount of tests was only decreasing the numbers in your bank and creating a pile of evidence that your boyfriend would see as soon as he entered the doorway.

Were you ready to be parents? You’d been together two and a half years, but none of you had ever even discussed the idea of a future together, yet alone children. You could barely handle one Wade on his own, how much would another tiny one test your sanity?

You forgot about the pile of tests and collapsed on the sofa, staring at the TV. An old episode of Friends was playing, but not even the the slightly surreal antics of the infamous characters could distract you from the fact you now had a small person inside you. 

You didn’t know how much time had passed, but soon enough, the front door clicked open and Wade wandered in. Just like every other day, he had a bag of junk food in one hand and a takeout one in the other hand. ‘Hey, babe.’ He greeted you, chucking the bag onto the island, not noticing the pregnancy tests. ‘Beer?’

He turned around to open the fridge to grab one. Once he had, he turned back round, his eyes landing on the blue and white sticks. He shrugged and began walking back to the sofa, apparently not having registered what they were.

Once he had sat down next to you, it seemed to have processed. Wade dropped the beer on the floor as his eyes widened. ‘Fuck!’

You hadn’t said a word to him since he got in, and now he knew why.

‘Surprise!’ You nervously exclaimed, your voice wavering. ‘We’re gonna be parents.’

‘Yeah, I kinda worked that out.’ He responded, dumbfound. ‘Holy shit. We’re gonna have a little Wade or Y/N.’ His face broke out into a grin. ‘We’re gonna be parents! Y/N, we’re gonna be parents!

He leaped off the sofa and tried to pull you with him, in an attempt to get you do some sort of happy dance. You were still in shock yourself, and your brain wasn’t really in the place to be dancing.

‘Aren’t you happy?’

‘I am happy.’ You replied. ‘I really am! It’s just a lot to take in. I dunno if I’m ready-’

‘Babe, is anyone ever really ready to be parents? It’s not like something you can prepare for - I guess we’ll take it one step at a time.’

You smiled, as he wrapped his arms round you. ‘Can I ask you a question, though?’

‘Sure-’

‘-Can we name the child Timmichanga? Because chimichanga but with like Timmy-’

‘Wade Wilson, I swear to God.’

Black Widow

Pairing: Pansy Parkinson x Theo Nott

AU: Modern, non-magical, college AU; lab partners

Word Count: 852

Written For: slytherns


Pansy has never been graceful about admitting defeat.

Her father fondly calls her competitive, and her therapist a little less-than-fondly calls her narcissistic—but it ultimately amounts to the same thing.

She’s a sore loser.

Socially, this trait has inspired her ongoing reputation as A Girl You Do Not Want To Mess With; she wears sparkling diamond earrings and she keeps her nails painted a thick glossy black and she alternates between three very specific shades of bright, bright, bright red lipstick, no matter the season. She’s more bark than she is bite, but it’s still useful. It’s still awesome.

Just not academically.

Academically, this pesky refusal of hers to sacrifice her dignity on the altar of her own failure—well, it’s landed her in her current predicament, which is total bullshit, and has left her with no fucking idea what she’s going to do if she doesn’t get assigned a competent lab partner in the next twenty minutes.

Because there are actual labs involved in Chemistry.

With complicated-looking lab equipment.

And expensive glass beakers with metric measurements.

And clipboards and pipettes and math and these super unflattering giant plastic safety goggles—

She is losing at Chemistry.

She is losing to Chemistry.

Pansy finds the entire situation un-fucking-acceptable.

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