drums inside your chest

The Reality

You awaken in a cold sweat.

You’re confused, anxious, and although you’re not in physical pain you can already feel that something about your body is… out of place.

There are pieces missing and pieces present that are not yours. You start to panic, jump from bed and rush to the light-switch. You throw on the lights and look down; your heart skips a beat. That’s not right. Your chest is wrong - it’s not what it was when you went to sleep. You touch yourself, hands shaking slightly, just to confirm what your eyes are seeing and your fingers feel the difference your eyes can see and an uncomfortable weight drops into the pit of your stomach.

Your hands move downward as you feel the area between your legs. It’s wrong there too… that’s not the part you went to bed with; that’s not the identity you had when you closed your eyes and fell asleep. That’s not who you are, it’s not what you’ve always been. A lump begins to form in your throat as your mind races and your pulse quickens even further, your heart beating inside your chest like a drum that you can’t escape; like the horrible nightmare you’ve awakened to.

No. No, no no no no.

This isn’t real, you tell yourself.

Over and over again in the span of a moment. It’s impossible, what happened. What happened??? How did this happen? You rush to the mirror, near tears from confusion and panic and you see what you already know. It’s you, alright - that’s your face… but at the same time it’s not. The angles are wrong, the features skewed just ever so slightly in such a way that you’re recognizable but only barely; like looking at yourself in the surface of a warped mirror. It’s you, but it’s not… it’s wrong.

You’re in full panic mode now. You rush to the phone and quickly call your mother or your father, perhaps your best friend. You call the one person that knows you best; the person you trust the most in the world… You can tell you’ve awoken them as they answer the phone - you can’t even feel embarrassment or guilt for having called them so early in the morning, you’re in too much of a panic. You begin to speak, trying to explain to them what’s happened but they’re not understanding. They can tell you’re panicked though, so they offer to come over and help you through whatever’s happened.

A shock goes through you as you realize they’ll see you… like this. A million worries, fears and questions shoot through your mind. What will they think? How will they react? Will they treat you differently seeing you like this? … no, you tell yourself. They love you, they care for you - they’ll help you. They’ll help you understand all of this and make sense of what’s happening. You agree and quickly prepare for their arrival.

They arrive and offer a comforting look or embrace. You wait for their surprise or their shock but it doesn’t come. They stare at you expectantly and you usher to your body, your face, your suddenly new identity and they only offer you confusion. You tell them you’re different, you woke up different and they don’t understand how you mean. You look just the same to them. You stare at them in horror and confusion.

How can they say that?

This isn’t you!

You don’t look the same at all, you look different; like yourself but the opposite gender. You’re still you but you’re shaped differently; the same clay but pushed through a different mold at some point in the night. They try to offer more comfort but their confusion and insistence that you look the same as you always have to them only frustrates you and eventually they leave, feeling worried and confused and that only makes you even more confused.

The change doesn’t wear off or go away.

You spend days and weeks waiting to feel like yourself again… but nothing changes.

Every morning you wake up and for a brief moment there’s a small flicker of hope that today it will be different - you’ll be you again and it was all just a bad, crazy dream. Or perhaps for a brief, shining moment you forget who you are or where you are or what’s happened… But it only ever lasts a moment. You wait for the morning when you’ll wake up and suddenly be you again, like before. But that morning never comes. And the longer you wait for it the more anxious you get. The creeping sensation that it’s never coming is slowly sneaking up on you and you’re no longer panicking… you’re sinking. Sinking into something similar to panic but much, much deeper.

A constant state of irritability and discomfort, it’s almost a sense of foreboding in reverse; you’re not afraid something bad is coming, you’re terrified the good you’re waiting for isn’t coming.

You begin to realize that you’re becoming depressed and so you force yourself into a routine of distraction. You over-work yourself, showers and bathroom breaks are quick and oftentimes done blind as you try to keep your eyes closed as much as possible. You’ve moved the mirrors around in the house - they all face the walls now. Except the one in the bathroom, you couldn’t turn that one around so it’s just gone now - the front of the medicine cabinet an empty hole in the wall stacked with shelves of toothpaste, deodorant, and floss.

You focus on the things that make you forget about your body and how wrong it feels, unfortunately that means you end up isolating yourself from the people who now identify you with this new, fake body; who have apparently always identified you this way. Your friends, your family, you keep them all at arms length now because they don’t understand the way the name they call you cuts when it slides past their lips. They can’t see the grimace of pain when they refer to you by the wrong pronoun, it doesn’t make sense to them why that upsets you the way it does so they simply chalk it up to you being oversensitive which only exasperates you.

So you push them away and you isolate yourself and distract yourself with work and anything else that helps you forget but that only lasts so long. Eventually you understand that you’re going to have to do something because living this way isn’t working. No amount of distraction or ignoring it is going to make it better. If you don’t do something soon you’re going to lose yourself to the dark feeling growing inside.

Finally, you work up the nerve to seek out a doctor and explain to them what you’re feeling. The doctor is nice, super compassionate to your situation and makes you feel a bit better. He talks about a solution to your problem and your heart sores. He throws around some words like “transgender” and “dysphoria”. You kind of understand them but not really, he explains them and it makes sense to you and something inside you starts screaming and jumping up and down: “yes! That’s what this is! That’s me, that’s what I’m experiencing!” And most importantly, he says that he can fix this for you! … but there’s a catch.

The fix isn’t perfect.

And it’ll cost more than anything else you’ll probably ever buy in your life. When it’s all said and done the “cure” to this nightmare is going to cost you more than a car, more than a house, probably even more than college. And it’s going to be painful. The procedures are intensive, intrusive and take a long time to recover from and the medicine you’re going to be taking to “fix” what the procedures can’t is administered painfully and is, most likely, a lifetime commitment to maintain what you had already had before all of this without any effort at all.

It’s going to cost you tens of thousands of dollars, a lot of pain and work and the results will probably never be exactly what you had before. It might get close, maybe even better, but there’s no guarantee to that at all and the doctor makes this very, very clear. You think about it for a little while but only as a formality. Living like this the rest of your life is unbearable to you, it’s not an option. You think to yourself frequently these days that anything would be better than this, even death as it is… so you knew the moment he said there was a “cure” or a way to “fix” this that you’d do whatever, pay whatever it cost.

You agree to this treatment and the doctor sets out a five year plan of therapy, hormones, and an array of other things that you’ll need to do to prepare for the first surgery.

Five years is a long time, but it’s all you have.

You’ll take it.

You sign the papers and for the first time in a very long time you feel a small sliver of hope; maybe things won’t always be like this. There may be a light at the end of this tunnel after all, you tell yourself. You leave the doctor’s office and immediately call your friends and family and tell them, you think for sure that they’ll be as excited about this as you are … but they’re not. A couple are supportive but only tentatively so. They’re a little awkward and you can tell they’re still concerned. You hang up with them and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness washes through you. They don’t understand this… they don’t even want to understand this. It honestly feels to you as if they’d really rather you just suffered with it in silence so they didn’t have to deal with it. You feel like a burden and it hurts you in ways you didn’t know you could hurt before.

That pain only intensifies as you begin the process of transitioning over the next several months. Your family makes excuses not to have you over or to visit you - some of your friends won’t even return your calls or answer your texts anymore. People you don’t even know are now suddenly very, very interested in you and your life; some are strangely fascinated with the process of your transition and make you feel incredibly uncomfortable and violated; others are judgmental and cruel, telling you their god hates you for simply existing the way you do or that you’re disgusting and unnatural. This only further fuels your desire for isolation and you retreat from the public eye as much as possible. It’s easier to be alone than to be constantly scrutinized and observed, watched like a criminal or fetishized by people who treat you like a trophy.

You turn to the digital universe, because you can be whoever you want to be there and no one questions you. Eventually you find a website full of people… just like you! They’re bright, and vibrant and confidant and happy. They accept you with open arms and give you so much positive feedback you’re practically sick with it. The overwhelming feeling of relief is so powerful you could almost get high off of it. You throw yourself into this online community headlong and for a while it’s pretty good, it really helps you not feel so alone.

But then… you start to notice that some of the people who are so supportive and who have embraced you with open arms say things sometimes that make you feel weird; uncomfortable. Things that don’t… quite make sense and you ask questions. They insist things like “gender doesn’t exist” “it’s a social construct” “you don’t have to have dysphoria to be transgender” “you’re perfect just the way you are” “you shouldn’t change yourself you should just learn to love yourself more” “transition isn’t necessary” “some trans people love themselves and don’t want to transition”.

You assume that they don’t understand how these kinds of things are wrong and harmful to someone like you; they’re part of the reason you have to wait five years and go through extensive therapy before you can finally get to your first surgery approval and move on with your life. You try to explain this and your friends, the ones who had been so nice before are suddenly very, very mean. In an instant they go from kind and supportive to downright cruel. They say awful things to you, tell you you’re a terrible person and that they hope horrible things happen to you.

You retreat and isolate again. If you’re lucky you find people who understand you and who agree with you… but there’s never any guarantee of that. You stare at the long path of transition ahead of you and you wonder if you’re even going to make it to the starting line…

This is it. This is the reality.

Fear. Discomfort. Paranoia. Anger. Frustration. Exasperation. Isolation. Loneliness. Depression. Self doubt. Confusion. Desperation.

Dysphoria.

These are the things we experience regularly… and it isn’t because cis people exist, and it isn’t (just) because we face oppression. It’s because we are disconnected from our bodies; because we face one of two equally unpleasant avenues: live with the bodies we have that we do not feel at home in or undergo expensive, painful, emotionally draining and sometimes dangerous medical procedures and a near lifelong commitment to bi-weekly injections of hormone correction therapy.

This is the reality.

This is what it means to change who you are outside to match who you know you are inside; who you’ve always known you are inside, even when everyone else insists you’re wrong or crazy.

This is what it means to be like us.

This is what it means to be transgender.

Anyone who tells you differently is lying to you.

2AM - part 7 (A Minseok Series)

Genre: Angst

Characters: Minseok X You

2AM [M] - part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11


Had you become desensitized to him now? You had been seeing his face all night. All month actually.

But seeing Minseok in person felt like a dream. Of all the places, in that stupid bar that you loved because of its dark quiet hidden corners and the proximity to your apartment and that damn smile of his.

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a warm summer drums away inside of your chest, a branching winter echoes inside of your bones, this is not your way out, this is not home, but if we ever make it there, sing us a song, play us into a dance, all of the great beauties of this world, but we’d still seek out pain, there’s plenty of stars, but we’re still somehow lost, some people want to feel love, some people have never had any, some people wake up everyday with a smile, i know nothing about that, but i’d like to, some people have a happiness that’s always bursting with energy, we all love those people, they remind us that life isn’t so bad, it’s okay to feel sad, you’ll be okay some day. when does it end? when does the pain stop? where do i need to be? who must i meet? darling, it’s more like who you’ll need to become. you see this world was split into two the day that your heart broke. one says this is who you used to be. the other says this is who you will be. have you thought about ending your own life recently? you made a plan didn’t you? every time your veins heat up and you’re ready to give up, that’s a new blueprint for how the day is close to arriving. i’m not a saint, i’m a sinner. i have seen angels save demons from themselves. there’s a whole world of questions we’ve failed to answer. there’s a beautiful you somewhere out there. it’s not with someone else. it’s not where you’ll be. it’s not where your heart sleeps at night. it’s where your brain places every thought. the memory of safe, when was the last time you felt safe again? growing up just to have more responsibilities, they want you to do this to yourself. when was the last time you owned a thought that wasn’t someone else’s? break those bad habits or you’ll end up breaking yourself. one day turns into a month, a month turns into a year, keep holding yourself back from your potential and one day the flame will burn out. the world is filled with darkness, yes, it’s true. the world is scary and growing up is even scarier, but one day you’ll bloom. my thoughts have been changing, but my heart still beats the same. i don’t know who i am, but i know who i could be some day. be the person you were always meant to be, not tomorrow, not next week, not ten years from today when you’re stuck at a job that you hate just because you’ve invested in this so called life of yours. are you happy? if you are, this isn’t for you. if you’re not and you’ve been thinking just like me. doing something that you hate just to get where you’d like to be, that’s not so bad. everything takes time. i’d rather see your first real, genuine and authentic smile once than to see a million fake smiles everyday. if you can promise that your sun will rise and you’ll rise from the ashes of bridges we’ve burnt for far too long– then this life, even if you’re not happy yet, it was well worth it. you get to be happy. you get to feel happy. you get to love yourself even if life is still confusing. and maybe that’s life. to find meaning inside of the little things you have not done for yourself yet. i don’t know why i wrote this, maybe i feel like you might have needed to read this. do not let your uniqueness be drowned out by all of these material possessions, you are more than a really expensive watch used as a conversation starter. those feelings that you’ve been holding back, that primal intuitive smile, i want that for you dear stranger. i don’t know you, but i still want happiness for you. we’re too young to be this sad, so maybe that’s why i’m writing this. being thoughtful, yes. if no one has told you that you’re beautiful and intelligent recently or ever, i’ll do it. i’m proud of you for deciding to live. your heart will stop some day, but as long as you’ve lived a life worth sharing, i don’t see the problem. you have stars glowing inside of your bones, you only need to see it. the sunlight that pours itself onto your skin, it loves you. these words that you’ve been reading will enter your mind from your eyes. maybe this moment will be the first time you’ve felt your heartbeat in a while, if this is the case, this will be your new birthdate. we were born for such greatness, but as we got older we made it a bet upon ourselves to limit ourselves in ways that we can’t even conceive. you are so much more. so much, much more. i’ll die a thousand lifetimes over before i stop trying to make you feel better. i don’t know why i write anymore, but today? i do. i write this for weary eyes and torn hearts. i write this for your sanity. i write this for your heartbeats. i want to write love back into you. romantic love isn’t all that there is. there’s still a lot to love about you. there’s nothing wrong with silence, there’s nothing wrong with a thought. and if you don’t feel love, just remember. i love you and i don’t even know you. keep growing.

Drums inside
this barren chest,
stomping over your existence.

 Pictures of empty words (yours)
linger like salt to the wounds

 Weeks of hallowed scars
screeching silently for the
death and loss of beloveds.

 You placed yourself
unknowingly in the centre
           of
my ache, my tender self.
 cured and fixed upon
                                   (temporary yet
                                  effective dialysis)
Your arrival

The soil must love the rain
but never the rain.

 How could these pores
willing to accept
your hesitantly
Algor hands?

 Had they no shame?
perhaps shame was
You came as
the Siamese of
Pothos and Himeros

Winter squealed like
Orpheus without Eurydice
as I now with no air. 

All these rain of affections
falling into a crazed
- cracked well.

 Where did the head
begin that now
the tail, end me callously?

How the frigid air
Coiled  a noose –
rattling crescendo
demanding
The execution of the self.

 What becomes of me now?

 I am Pathos
Waiting for winter to end.

D C de Oliveira
19.07.2017
6.46am

What I Wouldn’t Do

I’m finally beginning my Christmas requests even though there’s barely a week left until the holiday is actually here, oops

Request: This is actually combining a request for a night under the stars, with Hoseok confessing to you (from @merrabeth​), along with my Christmas AU request of him pulling you in for a kiss with his scarf from anonymous.

Genre: Pure fluff with a capital F.

Originally posted by hob-e

“They told me that to make her fall in love, I had to make her laugh. But every time she laughs, I’m the one who falls more in love,”

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Nightmare

 Summary: This was just a small drabble I have been working on for a while. It is based loosely (and I mean loosely) on the song Nightmare by Set it Off

Characters: Dean, Sam, Reader

Pairings: Dean X Reader

Word Count: 800ish

A/N: Thank you guys so much again for reading. As always, any feedback would be wonderful. Please like and reblog! 

As always, thanks to @shortandlongstories for reading my stuff and helping me to keep writing

Also, I would like requests if you guys have any. Sometimes its hard to come up with good ideas for fics on my own

I’m gonna buck up and tag some people… @spnfanficpond @the-mrs-deanwinchester (because for some reason I can’t tag your @readingissupernatural blog)

Warnings: Language, death, violence

You stand in the dark, listening to the sound of your breathing, your heart pounding in your chest. Your muscles bunch, shoulder squeezing as your head turns, looking down the long hallway, spots lightened by the moonlight coming through the windows. Your heart pounds in your chest, drumming inside your head. Your hand touches the blood pooled thickly on your shirt under the jacket.

Your neck snaps as a stone rolls across the concrete in the other direction, lips curling into a smile. Help, you scream, but no one hears. Dean! Sam! Help me!

Your legs carry you across the floor, staying close to the wall, coming to metal stairs leading upwards to the next floor. But it didn’t matter how fast your legs moved, you couldn’t get away from this monster. You were terrified.

You turn in place, heels clicking against the hard floor, surveying. Your fingertips brush over the rusty metal rail,as you moved forward, “C’mon boys! I don’t have all day.”

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anonymous asked:

Can you do "Can I kiss you" with yoongi pretty please?

“you’re really not good at this, are you?” You openly laughed, getting you a glare from Yoongi.

“What? Dating? Yeah, I’m good at making music, rapping, running and sleeping. Yet. Dating isn’t my strong point” he smiled, this time it wasn’t forced, it was his natural gummy smile.

“You’re not doing too bad, I mean it is only a third date” you argued, defending him.

“It’s not just a third date though y/n” he turned away from you to cross the street, but you saw the blush before he moved.

“Is it not?” you tried to press the topic but the food vendor seemed more appealing to this gentleman.

“Pick anything you like, I mean, it’s not exactly expensive restaurant food but,” he held is finger up to state his point “it’s still food.” He finished.

“Hm, surprise me” he eyes glimmered with the new found power.

“Of course, ramen noodles with an egg” you laughed, it was his favourite from what he had told you.

“hey! You said to surprise you so I did” he smiled, a mouth full of noodles he’d just slurped.

“You look happy” it wasn’t the typical ‘oh, you look like you’d rather be at home than here’, he genuinely looked happy. He had a playful glint in his eye, his mouth was a constantly curved upwards.

“I am” he looked at you with a slight head tilt, like a dog when they’re trying to understand you.

“Good” you smiled, grabbing your chopsticks and slurping the noodles loudly.

“I have never seen someone eat noodles faster than me before” he stated, surprised.

“Who am I, y/n, to turn down free vender food and take my time? One does not do that Yoongi, one eats the ramen with speed and elegance. This is no ordinary ramen with egg, this is the best ramen and egg ever” you drank the soup.

He looked at you like his entire world had just been flipped. “That…” you moved closer to him with the growing suspension from his hanging sentence. “was the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard” he smiled again, you adored that smile.

“you have a really nice smile” you watched his cold pale cheeks burn a colourful shade of pink, before he muttered a thank you. That didn’t stop the smile that crawled onto his face.

“woah, it’s 3am” his voice was shocked. You both started the date at 3pm, where did the time go?

“I’ll walk you home” he offered his hand to help you up from the bench you were both eating ramen on.

“Thank you” he didn’t let go of your hand, he held it loosely in his; occasionally re-adjusting his grip.

“I had a really good time tonight” you brought the intertwined hands to your spare hand, running your warm hand over his cold one.

“Your hands are so warm” he practically moaned, “I had an amazing night, best in a long while”

You smiled, glad to hear the quiet introvert had a good night, there was nothing wrong with it. You just knew he preferred staying in when he didn’t have to go out.

The rest of the walk was filled with delightful laughter, bright smiles, the occasional hug for warmth.

“I didn’t expect it to be as cold as it is tonight” you shuddered, you saw yoongi shrug himself out of his coat and wrap It around you.

“It’s way too cold for you to do that” you moved to take it off but he stopped you.

“I want to, so let me” the reassuring hand on your arm stopped you.

You peered at his slim frame, only clad in jeans, trainers, a thin cotton shirt and a jacket.

“I can see you shivering” he shrugged.

“I don’t mind honestly, I’d rather know that you’re warm and suffer for five minutes while I walk you home” he didn’t know it, but he’d already melted your heart.

“it’s hard to be mad at you” you laughed heartily.

At the sound, Yoongi looked at you with awe. He admired how adorable you looked in his huge oversized coat and your red nose from the cold. He wanted to kiss it. He wanted to kiss you.

Once you were at the complex for your apartment, you stood for a minute with him. It was comfortable silence, not awkward. The conversation wasn’t forced.

“Thank you for tonight” you stepped forward. He followed suit, the tips of your toes touching.

“I want to see you again” he blurted, he shook his head slightly. “Can I see you again?” he blushed, he was doing a lot of blushing tonight.

“I want that too…” you smiled wickedly, “you know, I have never seen you so pink as I have today” you pinched his cheek lightly and he grabbed your hand.

“You make me very nervous” he sucked in a breath, his dark hair moving slightly from the wind.

“and what I want to say next is making my heart beat like crazy” he placed your hand over his heart, the rapid thudding was more noticeable. It was like someone was playing the drums inside his chest.

“What was it?” you kept your hand there.

“Can I kiss you?” he bit his lip, the beat of his heart faster than before.

“yes” he leaned forward, his lips brushing yours softly at first, it was like he’d been waiting all night to kiss you and you wondered why he’d taken so long.

The kiss deepened, his hand was on the small of your back to draw you closer to him while your hand cupped his face. He let a small moan slip past.

He rested his forehead against yours after, the mist clouds of your breaths moulding together as you both stood in silence to catch your breath.

“I’ve been waiting to do that all night” he smiled, content.

“I was waiting for you to do it yoongi” his name rolled of your tongue with ease, he loved the way his name sounded from your mouth.

3

“Okay, Obi, we’ve established this is all my fault, okay? I admit it, does that make you happy?” 

“Well-” he rolled his head around to look at you, both of you with your hands tied above your heads. 

“Obi! Get us out of here!” you yelled at him. 

“You can’t keep getting into trouble expecting me to get you out of it.” he told you. 

“Not now.” You rolled your eyes. It took him only minutes to plan an escape and he freed himself and started over to unchain you. 

“Stop!” someone shouted down the hall. Obi-Wan looked up at you, his face growing a little more concerned. 

“They have cameras…” you stated. 

“You think?” he raised an eyebrow at you. 

“Obi, hurry.” you pleaded, dropping your defenses and looking at him at your feet, trying to break the lock. 

“I’m trying.” he promised. “I’m trying.” he was so desperate to free you that he hadn’t noticed how close the guard was and as soon as he got one of your feet unlocked, the guard reached you. 

“Duck.” you ordered and he did without question, lowering himself so you could swing your foot over his head and kick the guard in the face and he fell backwards. Obi-Wan raised himself up a little to continue unchaining you as two more guards came running towards the two of you. “I’m gonna need a little help on this one.” you told him and he spun around, standing up as he whiled and held out his hands, sending the two guards backwards. Remarkably, Obi-Wan managed to get you completely free before more guards arrived and you ran to the far corner of the room which lead to a long corridor going out of the shabby building. You grabbed Obi’s hand as the two of you fled, running down alley ways where clothes lines momentarily blocked the view of the stars, your home. 

You never knew why, but situations like your recent one always got your blood pumping, exhilarated you. You were about the enter the main streets when Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks, his hand holding onto yours, yanking you back. “What is it? What’s wrong?” you panted. He stood in front of you, panting with you. 

“What if you’d died?” he asked and killed your mood. You knew you’d been running hard, obviously your heart was pounding, but there was a newer element, something different about the drumming inside your chest. 

“I didn’t, Obi, we’re alive!” you shouted, smiling, swinging his hand with yours as you held it up in homage to the stars. “We’re so alive.” you breathed and slowly he stepped closer. “Obi?” 

“Y/N, promise to stop doing things like this, it’s outrageous.” 

“Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’d better be careful, you might make me think you actually care.” you joked. 

“I do, Y/N… I-I love you.” 

“L-Love me?” 

“I know it’s- it’s going to be complicated and dangerous-” he began, interrupted by you, pressing your lips to his, backing him against the black brick behind him. You kissed him slowly and gently and carefully, and he reciprocated. For what felt like a million years, you kissed Obi-Wan and he kissed you and you kissed one another and no one was around to see it but the stars and it felt incredible. Your colors were mixing between your lips and the wind blew your hair around with Obi’s and for a little while, nothing else mattered to either of you. Your arms wrapped around each other and Obi’s quiet breathing and your lips on his; paradise. 

“I love you too.” You smiled at him. 

When I Think About You...

Dean x Reader. Just shameless smut. I have no excuse. Blame Dean.

Tagging @saenalife  @salvachester  @misswhizzy  @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog  @geeklibrarian  @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid  @aprofoundbondwithdean  @mamapeterson  @mrswhozeewhatsis  @littlegreenplasticsoldier  @sleep-silent-angel  


It was a rough hunt. One man short, since Sam was off helping on another case two states away, and there was no time to wait for him to get back. The nest you and Dean had taken out wasn’t big, but the vamps were new, fresh, full of fight and full of themselves. You saved each other’s asses a couple of times before the last head rolled, and you’re both covered in blood and triumph.

You get back to the room a little before midnight, and Dean tosses you an icy one from the cooler, holding his up in a salute which you return with a smile. There’s just something about fighting your way through with someone who has your back, coming out the other side with a win. Moments like that – it really seems worth it. Like you’re doing what you were meant to do, saving people, hunting things.

You down your beer in record time, anxious to hit the shower and remove all the blood, sweat and dirt from your skin and hair. Dean chivalrously offers to let you go first, and you jump at the chance. He reaches out to squeeze your hand as you walk by, delaying you for a moment. “Hey – you were awesome out there tonight.” Something – admiration? respect? - gleams in his eyes, and you blush, looking away with a smile.

“So were you, Dean. We made a great team.” You glance up, catching the crooked smile on his face as he releases your hand.

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Imagine Dean teaching you how to shoot.

“You’ve got to be sure, you’ve got to keep your feet on the ground and be steady” Dean’s soft breath fanned over your cheek and as much as you wanted to concentrate on his words you just couldn’t. His hands on your hips and his fingers rubbing soothing circles over your shirt made you have a hard time breathing.

It didn’t help at all the fact that you had a major crush on the older hunter.

“Got it?” his voice was low and rough as he whispered to your ear. You tried to keep yourself from shuddering. You gave a small nod.

He gave your hips a squeeze and you gasped - lucily - inaudibly “Good. Good” his voice was raspy and low.

Was he trying to teach you how to shoot or seduce you? Not that he could have any problem with the second.

He pressed you closer to his chest. Your back fitting there almost perfectly, as if that’s where you were supposed to be. His hands came up to your shoulders where he gave a small squeeze before they moved down trailing your arms with his fingers.

“Now-” his face was still close to your ear and you felt really tempted to just turn your head and-

“We’ve gotta be very careful”

His hands moved down to cup yours that were holding the gun and you could have not been more thannkful because if he hadn’t then you were sure you were going to make a huge fool of yourself. Your hands were shaking and you doubted you’d be able to even get the target. Hell you could hardly focus on your breathing let alone getting the shot right.

“And very… precise” he said in a soft voice and you turned just slightly your head to gaze into his eyes.

He looked deeply into yours, smiling just softly - more like smirking, as a shaky breath left your lips. Your heart was drumming inside your chest and it felt as if it was going to beat right out of your rib cage any given second. Your mind felt hazy and everything blury as Dean’s scent became too much for you to take. His entire presence was intoxicating.

And just before you could realize it you felt your eyes closing as the distance between you lessened - well at least the small distance between your faces. His hands left yours as the gun fell with a loud sound and they came up to cup your face, his lips crashing to yours.

anonymous asked:

7 minutes in heaven with chan pls omg i will love you forever

With You in Heaven

Genre: Fluff

Rating: PG13

Summary: Finding yourself alone, in a dark closet with Chan was the least you expected. But his kisses were also the least you expected them to be as you find yourself weak in his hold. Can 7 minutes turn your relationship into something more?

Anon, bless your wonderful soul because we need more Chan tbh, and omfg I’m freaking out over this please heLP ME IM ASHBDUANDJNADN GONE ABDAKJNQ O<-<


It was dark, cramped and awfully quiet. But you couldn’t protest it, you volunteered to play 7 minutes in Heaven with your friends knowing of its nature. It was hard to not be nervous, especially when your heart was beating so loud that your friends could probably hear it from the other side of the door. You fiddled with your fingers together as you heaved out a sigh, neither one of you made a squeak, until his voice caught your attention.

“We just have to kiss, right?” His statement flustered you, “Right?” His voice sounded optimistic with a bit of hesitation to it.

“Yeah.” You mumbled, you could feel your palms sweat already. Chan was different from your circle of friends. He had that charisma that would make you feel shy, and he wasn’t bad to look at either.

“The hyungs never mentioned how we should kiss, as long as we take our time, right?” He added, he turned shy for a moment, waiting for your response.

“Well… yeah.” You said. You were surprised how calm he was. You weren’t even sure if he was serious or not from his tone of voice.

Chan was the youngest out of your group of friends, but he knows how to keep up. Just like the rest of your friends, he was very talented and he never falls short of anything. You got to admit, he was cute and dare you say it, handsome, especially when he’s on the dance floor. His appeal was different, it starts of soft and gentle, but it transforms into something rough and masculine, the kind where you can’t help but chew on your bottom lip.

“Do you mind if I come closer to you?” Chan was bold, and maybe he doesn’t realize the words he keeps on using makes you shy. Your voice was stuck in your throat, but you quickly cleared it and responded with a small, “I don’t mind at all..”

He was barely visible but somehow you could see him smile. You felt his body shift nearer to you as your shoulders touch, comfortably leaning on each other. You felt your chest crumpling into a a tense web of nervousness, you thought that it would be easy, kissing was easy, right? But reality dawned on you, Chan undoubtedly made your heart restless. He was quiet, yet all you could hear is him.

“You know..” Your breath hitched when he started to converse with you, “I’m glad I’m with you..” Chan was the type to barely get embarrassed, especially when he’s being truthful.Oblivious how he makes you feel, you were also a bit reluctant especially when you’re getting embarrassed over his words.

“R-really?” You weren’t sure how to react, especially when he’s being upfront about it.

“You always treated me equally and not like a baby.” He shyly admitted, chuckling to himself as he rubbed the back of his neck. His free hand accidentally brushing yours, you felt your body tense.

“S-Sorry.” Chan added, noticing your discomfort.

“Ah! No! I.. I was just surprised.” You cleared things up. His frozen fingers melted on top of yours, timidly making himself comfortable with your hand.

The darkness wasn’t enough to hide the growing warmth in your cheeks, You closed your eyes, hoping and praying for your heart to at least calm down from making absurd drum noises inside your chest. His warm hand was comforting yet it also made you anxious. Soft pair of lips pressed on your temple caught you off guard. You opened your eyes, and your body turned into jelly. So many thoughts gathered in your head yet you couldn’t process a single thing.

You could feel Chan’s breath brush over you, and his familiar scent covering you. He ghosted his lips on top of your forehead before parting. Chan was nervous yet the adrenaline of placing his lips on top of your temple encouraged him to give more to you. Although driven with confidence, Chan timidly placed a small peck on your cheek, this time you felt a shiver run down through your spine.

Your skin tingled from his lips, you felt your shoulders weaken and the tension in your body turn to mush. You never knew Chan had this effect on you until now. Chan’s hand moved to cup your cheek, slowly easing into his touch you let him kiss you even more. Chan was gentle with you, you could feel the hint of reluctance in his actions but also the sincerity.

Chan’s hand guided you, pulling you closer as his lips finally touched yours. As you expected it to be, they were soft, supple and tender. With the heat of the contact fueled your wanting for his lips, you slowly closed your eyes as you let yourself get lost in his touch. The kiss could only be described as innocent, sweet and caring. The way his lips would move on top of yours, Chan wanted you to be comfortable in his hold. In the end, he was the one taking the lead although you expected it to be the opposite in the very beginning.

He moved his lips with delicate actions, your lips softly brushing against each other. You could feel his hand tremble a bit,his breath out of place and his body stiff.You took it upon yourself to pull him in, reassuring him that you were enjoying every minute of it. Chan obliged to deepen his lip against yours.

The feeling of kissing you was a whole new experience for him. Chan’s burning passion to kiss you intensified, he wanted to touch you more, to get a taste of you, to hear you moan against his lips. Feeling a bit daring, Chan took hold of your body, clumsily pulling you over to his side as you found yourself on his lap.

His free hand on your hips, it was anything but gentle. You stayed put in his hand, your hands making way to rest on his chest. You could feel his heart pound and his breath hitch in your touch. His kisses were romantic, passionate and it made your heat ache. Chan couldn’t suppress a groan, the warm hand on your cheek pressed upon you, further deepening with each kiss. He was a man after all, he was lost in the pleasurable sensation of your being.

Chan continued to lock lips with you, you could feel his hips move a bit, making you moan into his mouth. You were taken aback from all this, but there wasn’t any time to even think about it, as his soft lips made way on to your jaw. Giving wet and sloppy kisses that made your insides burn up.

“Chan..” His name rolled off your tongue so smoothly, you were getting lost from the high of it all when suddenly you heard a knock.

“(Y/N), have mercy on our poor maknae.” You heard Hoshi teasingly say on the other side of the door.

You were catching your breath as you gave a timid chuckle, before answering, “He should be the one having mercy on me.” You admitted. In all honesty, you didn’t want to part from it all. Your nervousness washed away with disappointment. But the hole inside you was quickly filled as Chan pulled you back in for an innocent little peck on the lips.

Somehow that short lived kiss made you feel more embarrassed than ever. You wanted to crawl into a corner and turn into a ball, you could basically hear Chan’s soft chuckle as he helped you up.You weren’t even paying attention to anything but that one last kiss as you noticed the bright light hitting you.

They were all grinning from ear to ear as the rest of the boys huddled towards Chan. You couldn’t help but find it adorable as they hollered and screamed out their lungs. The kiss lingered on your lips, dazed and a bit confused with what you were feeling, you slowly pressed your finger tips on top of your lips. A smile painted across your face, your gut churning, you couldn’t help but turn around.

As you looked for him, he was nowhere in sight, the boys scattered and went back to their own seats, but he was not there. You looked left and right, as your heart started to sink down to the pit of your stomach and the feeling of disappointment wash through you , you felt someone tap your shoulder. You quickly turned around to find Chan with a shy smile on his face.

Instantly, the feeling of butterflies flooded inside of you. The same feeling of nervousness was present as you looked at his deep brown eyes. His smile was infectious and his eyes were fixed on you.

“Me too…” You said.

“Huh?”

“Me too.. I’m glad I was with you.” You explained before giving him a peck on the cheek, before heading to the kitchen to get more drinks. Chan was left standing, frozen on the spot as a silly smile adorned his face. He held his hand up, placing it on the same spot you kissed him, he could only chuckle awkwardly.

It took him a few minutes to recollect himself before noticing the lack of your presence. He quickly looked over his shoulder to find you in the kitchen. He wasn’t about to let you go that easily.

You will hear those three words a lot of times in your life. Some will raise your spirit, others will tear you apart. Three words: the first that carries the ocean towards the shore, the second that hits the gist of your exposition and the third from which truth and lie contend to utter the beat of the drums inside your chest. From a lip it will spill in sincerity, in silence and in lust but to find which speaks wholeheartedly, you should watch the echoes hit every corner of your bones. What cracks cease, what penetrates endure.
—  I Love You | spilledraindrops
I’m shitty at being honest,
But I want to be honest with you and
Honestly everything about you scares me shitless,
From the way your lips are still glistening with the aftermath of my anxiety
To the small of your back pressed softly into my hands.
I am so small when I am next to you,
Engulfed by you, infinite,
Falling into the back of your throat as your laughter swallows me,
Muffled and slow.
The sunset smears clouds across the sky with brushstrokes of light,
Painting the portrait of a nebula and
I swear to god you are every hue I’ve ever loved;
Just like that you are dust and gas compact into these atoms
I can’t fathom how the universe designed you.
I can’t think of the equations that led our lines to meet,
My hands are clasped in desperation that we can bend so that after
We intersect we will not have to leave.
My heart is a kick-drum slamming inside my chest to
The rhythm of your fingers running through my hair to the nape of my neck.
No amount of sound can touch me now
As I write this down,
Trying to pen you onto a paper. It’s the best I can do
In the stead of paint onto a canvas.
—  “Portrait Of A Nebula” - Nishat Ahmed
Jongin -- Fond

It is said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but every day that he is away yours grows weaker.

“I’ll be home next week.” he promised. That was six months ago. You used to receive calls everyday. A long conversation filled with “I miss you” and “I love you”. The downgraded to calls every other day. The texts shortened, the “I miss you” and “I love you” became less frequent. The arguments strengthened.

You knew that getting into a relationship with someone of an idol status wouldn’t be easy. You told yourself that you could handle the periods of time apart. You weren’t some lovesick teenager–distance shouldn’t bother you. But it does. You lied to yourself. You were lovesick, but now you’re just sick.

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