drugs-narcotic

Tomorrow, I will be 2 weeks sober.  I haven’t gone this long since probably my junior year in high school.  Even though my addiction to intravenous heroin is fairly new, its always been something with me.  It started off with Xanax and K-pins, then to that mixture I added adderall, vicodin and valium and lorezepam, then as I began to experiment with drugs I realized that anti depressants/anti anxiety medication wasn’t my favorite anymore.  I started my opiate addiction with 5mg percs, then I began snorting them and upped my dose little by little.  Then I went to college and began smoking 30′s and popping xanax and adderall on the regular.  Then I revisited an old friend of mine, heroin.  I had tried it in high school once, and it gave me such a good feeling I was afraid to use it again.  I had only snorted it in high school and when I began using it again in college I promised myself I would only snort it (or sometimes smoke it) and that I would NEVER shoot it… But then smoking 3 30′s made me feel only a little bit okay, and snorting a couple bags only barely took the pain away.. then I shot it once just to try it and then…. Now I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together.  I screwed up my entire freshman year of college, lost all of my ambition, almost died twice, lost 35 pounds, turned into a zombie, I lost all of my feelings for people who cared about me, I stopped eating because everything I ate would end up getting thrown up anyway.. the heroin put me in so many bad situations too… I was almost raped in an alley, ive been robbed numerous times and by people I thought were my “friends”.  I started becoming shady myself.  To keep up with my habits I had to middleman dope and I would upcharge junkies that I knew would pay the price..  I helped my dealer rob another dealer… we stole 10 bricks and I accepted only 2 and a half bricks for helping.. which is still a lot of dope but still.. I did most of the work and settling for less than half was okay to me.. thats not right?  I didn’t even think twice about it.  Once I got my cut I sold about 2 grams and the rest went into my veins eventually… I held onto my stash like it was my prized possession.. I kept that much heroin in my dorm room!  What the fuck was I thinking???  Then a week before the end of the semester I realized that I had to go home and see my parents and I looked in the mirror and just started balling because I knew they would know… I mean how could they not?  I was pale as a ghost, had the biggest dark circles, my arms were COVERED in track marks and they’re still not healed, I was weak, skinny, my hair had become thin, I just looked like I had no life left in me.  When I first tried heroin I thought I was going to do it on the side just to keep myself happy and comfortable and for a while I did, I somehow kept a balance, but without even realizing it, I mean it just snuck up on me.. I let myself go.  I drowned in my sorrows and let my lack of self esteem take me away and I became the one thing I said I never would be.  Ever since I was 12, when I first started smoking weed I was always told that my actions were a gateway to horrible things.  Of course I would laugh and say “pshhh Im okay!  I would never do heroin thats stupid!” and “Crack? wtf why would I do that?”  Then the next thing I knew I was sitting in a basement with a group of junkies shooting up half a gram of heroin just so that I could go to the atm to pull out money for more dope.  I needed that much to get off the couch… and before I left my friend passed me the pipe and said “while youre out grab some foil.”


Addiction is real.  Its not something anyone wishes for or tries to acquire.  It can sneak up on you and take over you real quick and before you realize it has you, you’ll have no money, no good people left in your life, and you’ll NEVER notice how much you changed as a person.  I gave up my potential and dreams to escape through a temporary buzz.  Growing up I had always surrounded myself with the wrong people and usually it would bite me in the ass and I would learn my lesson but damn i was convinced that heroin was my best friend…. I mean when I met heroin it was love at first sight..I had experimented with many drugs and I had never come across one that made me feel so good.  I thought Perc 30′s were my one true love but the high had nothing on the high I got from shooting heroin.  The step from 30′s to heroin was the biggest leap I ever made.  It was like I jumped off a bridge.  30′s took all of my money and turned me into a hard opiate addict but they never almost killed me or put me in bad situations.. I mean I was so high on heroin going out to pick up whippits that I almost got raped in an alley and I didn’t have the energy to defend myself, thank god someone just happened to be walking that way and the guy got up and ran.. The experience destroyed me and I went to my friends house that night and shot 6 bags of dope and fell out and almost died. By then that was my second experience with falling out.  My first time was from accidentally smoking too much heroin that turned out to be fentanyl.  When I almost died the second time, I woke up and I didn’t care… I smoked a little crack and woke up and shot another couple bags…. thinking about it now I can’t believe it.. I just can’t… my daily life was: wake up, snort a couple bags, go to class, eat a snack, shoot in the bathroom before my next class (if i didn’t have enough I would skip and go out and find enough), throw up (usually happened randomly throughout the day), go to class and nod out and embarrass myself because I looked like such a junkie sitting there barely conscious, do a bit of homework, make moves to score some dope, shoot up my first big score, go to my dealers house (she wanted to bang me so she usually gave me a couple bags for free), shoot that and chill for a bit, smoke some weed, smoke some crack, maybe pop a xanax bar, go on rides with my dealer and all along the way snort bags off the back of my phone, eat something, throw that up, stumble to my friend’s house where me and my 2 “bestfriends” would spend our time smoking stupid amounts of weed, smoking 30′s, shooting smoking and snorting dope, and from there I would middleman more dope for my dealer and I would just shoot my profits all night and then eventually pass out just to wake up the next day and start all over.  Weekends were the worst… I would pull all nighters and just get high constantly and I thought that was normal… I mean everyone else was out drinking and partying so same thing right?  I lost all common sense.  This junkie lifestyle became normal to me.  It became all I knew and all I wanted.  I cut out friends that were actually positive and had their shit together.  Then I would cry and wonder why I was so lonely.  By doing drugs, I only made myself physically feel better but only temporarily and I spent the rest of my time either thinking about drugs or I was trying to get more drugs.  Drugs never fixed any of my problems like I thought they did.  I thought I was “self medicating”.  I thought I was helping myself.  All I did was make my life worse and I almost killed myself and not even on purpose!


So if any of you out there are struggling with addiction and you feel like you have no one to talk to, no one to talk to that will understand or won’t judge you, please feel free to message me.  I needed someone to talk to through all of that and I had no one.  I couldn’t even talk to my old friends because I was embarrassed of my habits and I knew they wouldn’t understand anyway.  


I’m an addict too and I’m trying to fix myself.  I haven’t made it that far yet but I’m trying and I’m willing to talk to anyone who needs it so please don’t hesitate! I’m right here with you and we can get through this together! One step at a time.

To Recover, or Not to Recover?

So I still haven’t decided if I want to stay clean.

I relapsed yesterday… but it only counts as relapse if you’re in recovery. Sure, I’ll go to meetings every night, but if I’m still convinced that heroin’s gonna come back someday, how am I genuinely recovering?

Yesterday was awful. I hopped on two buses and frikkin sped to the city where heroin and meth awaited my arrival.

I did the heroin. Did the meth. Then… holy shit, the euphoria hit me like a flurry of heaven-high rainbows.

I kept saying, “FUCKKKK I feel great! Like, seriously man, I feel great! FUCK sobriety! Did I mention that I feel great?” as I was laughing with my dealer while he poked around his arm for a vein.

I sat there in a daze; my brain was flying elsewhere, of course. She was gonna come back later, once the girl was ready to give up her brainless addiction.

My body and brain came crashing back down to earth just a few hours later.

Comedowns make me feel like a madwoman. I ended up sitting outside of a sober living house, trying not to cry. I don’t know why I was there… just that people in recovery are my people and the only individuals I feel able to trust.

I managed to get a ride home from someone with long-term sobriety. He gave me incredible advice in that car. I’ll never forget it. 

I want to get better so that I can help other people who use drugs to numb pain’s excruciating effects. Help others like people in recovery have helped me. To get there, I have to get clean… and so today starts another day, a day without meth tears or heroin kicks. A day where I feel whole and know that no substance owns me. That I am here for more than the addiction; I’m going to learn how to love life, and how to help addicts who are still suffering.

Real talk

Alright tumblr, honesty time… I’ve finally come to terms with it and admitted to myself that I have a problem. I’m an alcoholic and drug addict, and I need help. This is not something I can do on my own, I’m in way to deep. I’ve been lying to myself and others for a while now but I’m finally ready to make the change before I die or get myself into another sketchy situation. Consider this day 1 of sobriety. I want to be strong again and not controlled by these substances. I reached out to a friend who has been sober for almost 10 months now, she’s such a strong individual and has a heart of gold. She offered me her support and is going. To take me to my first NA meeting. This is so important to me, I want to recognize the girl in the mirror again. I haven’t been the real Kelsey for a long time. I miss her and I want her back. I want to be the best version of me I can be.