drugs for jesus

The Signs as Shit My Friends Have Said
  • Aries: You don't think she... y'know... drinks cocaine, right?
  • Taurus: Your lack of hatred towards Linkin Park disappoints me.
  • Gemini: Sorry, can you repeat that? I have really bad vision
  • Cancer: Do you think crabs are mad at us for naming them "cancers"? Like do they look up and yell "well fuck you, pneumonia"?
  • Leo: *car runs red light and almost wrecks* WOAH THERE FUZZY BUDDY
  • Virgo: Hepatitis-C u later
  • Libra: The only drug I need is JESUS! ...also can you please pick up some painkiller on the way home my back is killing me
  • Scorpio: ALEXANDER WATCHES MORE HENTAI THAN ME I SWEAR
  • Sagittarius: Gerald is our imaginary British friend who drives his Ferrari 60 mph in a 20 mph lane
  • Capricorn: *in a grocery store* damn i'm not a cashier but can i check you out
  • Aquarius: *calls me after not talking to me for a week* I haven't showered in like 3 days yo
  • Pisces: I saw a dog today. Actually it was a trash bag but i'm trying to be positive from now on