I’m starting to get bad again.
I’m starting to get sad again.
I’m replacing feelings with sex again.
I’m replacing everything with drugs again. Why does this keep happening?
Why can’t I be happy?
Why is everything shit again?
Why can’t I breathe again?
Because of all those pills I took
Because of all the whiskey
Because of all those hits I took.
Because of all the needles.
Because of all the cuts.
I’m getting dizzy, fuck it’s blurry.
I feel like I am trapped.
I know I’m getting bad again…
Someone make it stop…
I lit a cigarette thinking I was strong enough to smoke it, but I instantly remembered I promised you I wouldn’t smoke anymore. I promised you I would stop my bad habits. So I watched it burn. Oh, how it burned so fucking slowly. It was torture. Waiting for the damn thing to go out already. Waiting for the wind to blow out the fire I had started. The fire that you started in my heart. The spark you lit the first time you told me you loved me. You were my first cigarrette. You were my first drug, and damn I’m hooked on you. You are the drug that I will never quit…
I got tired of waiting for the wind to come. I got tired of watching the fire burn the paper. The paper burning the tobacco into smoke. The smoke turning my lungs to ash. I got tired of cigarrettes the day I told you I would stop smoking. I got tired of cigarettes the day you told me you were leaving because of my bad habits. I got tired…
The wind blew some of the ash onto the sidewalk and I continued waiting.
I pressed the fire against my neck to stop the flame. To stop the cancer stick from burning any longer. And despite the small red mark on my neck, the fire had finally stopped burning.
But the fire in my heart? That hasn’t stopped. The wind being your lips, never blew it out and I don’t think they ever will. It continues to grow like a wildfire spreading through the woods on a dark night, never even knowing it had started until the trees were burning down. The spark you lit the first time you told me you loved me.. You were my first cigarrette. You started this fire that continues to grow inside me.
You are the drug that I will never quit…
saywecanella (I thought I could stop the fire burning inside me, but I could never stop loving you…)