drugs and alcohol

I don’t think Ill ever forget you or the feeling of your hand resting on my cheek when you gently kissed the other one
I try so hard to forget that you get like that with everybody after you have a couple drinks.
Yet every night when the bong bubbles, the cups clink and the pills pop, Im given another harsh reminder that I am a pretty face to look at, but I will never be much else.
I never really thought too much about my brown eyes until you said that they were gorgeous.
You said they were deep enough to get lost in.
Tell me baby why didn’t you?
I got so haphazard within your Hazel the first night we met.
These words mean nothing to you.
Even if you knew they existed, they would not change your mind.
I just hope that she loves you as much as I would.
Because I promise you M, you would never have any doubts before bed that I want to be anywhere else.
You will never have to think twice when I say “I Love You”
When you take another shot of whiskey, she isnt going to cross your mind.
But until then… please kiss my cheek one more time.
—  “M.H Forever” by Chris Manchester (writingandotherdrugs)

i’m not a fuckin dumbass and i know there’s a 95% chance the warriors movie will suck but

i’ve been waiting for this for eight years. what the fuck. i’ll drink straight vodka to burn away how bad the movie is while watching it. i’ll torrent that shit. i’ll fucking smoke weed and have an out of body experience while i’m watching my shitty talking cats on screen. fuck yeah. 

MLP FIM Saved My Life

    It may sound strange to hear someone say that a cartoon for children saved their life but it is no stranger than a person finding some slight happiness and tranquility in a garden and in turn growing a confidence for living or within themselves.  This show saved me from killing myself and proceeds to rescue me from the surrouning darkness that encompasses my life.

      I have been a depressed person ever since I was in middle school, yet always pretended to be happy in school and around my family because if you pretend that everything is going well people will simply leave you alone.  So things went on in my life and I was popular and people found me funny and I was a very social creature; but inside I always felt sad and a shell of a person because I was always playing the “happy character” and not expressing my true feelings.

       My home life was where most of my depression came from.  From as early as I can remember many of my earliest memories were of my mother driving me around in her car; yet she always had a cup or mug with her in her lap.  It wasn’t until later on in high school that I realized that this beverage she carried with her everywhere was rum.  Once the truth of the matter dawned on my I was crushed.  How could my mother constantly put herself and son at risk by driving around with booze all the time.  My mother is a raging alcaholic and very verbally abusive to her family.  My homelife was constantly afflicted with argments every single day/night.  I truthfully cannot think of a single time where my evenings weren’t filled with arguments and being verbally berrateed by my mother.  On the other hand, my father was and still is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.  Without a supportive person like him in my life, I know that I would have given up years ago and simply ended everything.

    In my final year of high school I began using drugs on a regular basis and once I was free at college my use of drugs only grew and encompassed even more substances.  What started out as marijuana use became daily marijuana use.  But unfortunately that is not where things ended.  I began using cocaine, numerous pharmaceutical drugs and eventually things turned into heroin.  My love of opiates and the way they enabled me to remove myself from my problems and depressions, if only for a while, was far too attracting.  While on heroin exspecially I always felt comfortable, relaxed and good. 

      While many good things happened to me during this time in my life, the darkness inside me continued to keep hold.  I had met the girl of my dreams in college and graduated college with honors and attained my desired degree.  But once outside of the college setting, things took a turn for the worse.

    Outside of college and back into the real world I found it increasingly difficult to find a job; let alone one that related to my major that I had just spent numerous years of my life trying to attain.  All I felt was failure.  I felt that I had failed myself, and even my family; specifically my father since I truthfully couldn’t give two shits about my mother.  My opiate use continued to increase and on one evening when the weight of my precieved failure grew too strong, I decided to take over 300mg of oxycontin in an attempt to drift to sleep hoping that I wouldn’t awake the next day to the dreariness of my existence.

     Upon awakening prefectly fine in the morning I was upset to realize my attempt had failed.  What would have normally been enough oxycontin to kill several people wasn’t powerful enough to kill me; although I truthfully wasn’t too shocked since, like I have said, I was an opiate addict.

     Eventually I was unable to stay living with my girlfriend at her apartment because we simply couldn’t find reliable jobs to pay sed rent.  I had to grudingly move back home with my parents.  The hell-hole I had once escaped was now the only place I could go back to until I had found a job.

     Living back home with my parents was dreadful.  My mother’s drinking was increasingly worse and there simply wasn’t a time when she wasn’t drunk and verbally abusive.  To put it in perspective to the reader’s of this; my mother would wake up and drink, go to work and then come home for lunch to drink before going back to work.  It was absurd.  Sadly both my father and I knew that this woud never change and that we just had to deal with it until she got herself help; which we knew would never come.

    Everyday I was verbally assaulted by my mother.  I was told how worthless I was, how I was a loser because I couldnt find a job, and probably worst of all, how I was a dissapointment because I wasn’t workign and was living back in my parent’s house.  Eventually I couldn’t take the abuse any longer and tried to once again off myself using alcahol and heroin, two things that should never be mixed in any amount.  Unfortunately this too didn’t work because my girlfriend knew of my plans and took me to the emergency room after finding me in an unconcious state with restricted breathing.

     After this second attempt I decided to stop using drugs altogether and that maybe avoiding my preoblems and trying to run from them was never going to end well.  My girlfriend and I both decided to quit using and when we decided this we chose to get help at the respective clinics involved. 

    Needing support in this dramatic change in my life I told my father; the support in my life and asked him not to tell my mother because all it would do is supply her with more ammunition to use against me.  I came home one day from going to the drug clinic to my mother berrating me for being an addict.  She told me I was a loser and every mean spirited thing she could think of.  It did not matter that I had decided to quit on my own and seek help, the only thing that she cared about was how much of a dissapointment I was and a loser.  On top of this my girlfriend of 7 years told me that we needed to take a break and work on ourselves and repairing our own individual lives by recommendation of the clinics.  Their belief was that without loving yourself and fixing yourself you cannot go on to love anyone else.  So now the only other support in my life besides my father was taken from me.

     This brings me to the presnt.  It is hard to try to better yourself when your told every second of the day that no matter how much you try to salvage and fix your admitted mistakes, you will always be seen as nothing in the eyes of a parent.  Eventually I could take this no longer.  The pain and realization that I would never be able to overcome this new label as a drug addict ruined what little self-esteem I had left.  I decided one last time to kill myself and this time do it correctly.  I had written a suicide note the night before and had constructed a rope noose to use to successfully complete my task.  Maybe only a few hours before I was planning on enacting my plan I was online and noticed how there seemed to be an increse of people talking about My Little Pony.  I had heard of the reinvention of this show earlier and thought that it was still the same girl show from my childhood so never gave it a chance. Finally I said what the hell, I’m gonna be dead in an hour anyway I decided to give the show a shot and see what all the fuss was about.  This is where things changed for me.

      The show was pure genious.  I instantly fell in love with the program and what began as a one episode viewing to see what peopel were talking about turned into a twelve hour viewing marathon of every episode I could watch before passing out from exhaustion.  The shows characters comforted me and the humor was well written.  The show just seemed to brign forth the happy sensations that I had been missing for the last decade.  To this day I eagerly await each weeks new episdoe and when I feel sad and depressed I look to MLP FIM for help.  I watch an episode or two and soon feel much better.  Maybe it is the adorableness of Fluttershy or the random nonsensical humor of Pinkie Pie, but that hsow fixed my life and saved me from ending it.  Without that show I can say with no exaggeration that I would be dead if not for the night I decided to give MLP a chance.  Now, as a 26 year old recovering drug addict, I can say with great pride that MLP is a wonderful show and one that I recommend to everyone and anyone.  Thank you Lauren Faust for this show and indirectly saving my life.  And thank you to anyone who read this post, allowing me to vent the frustrations of my life and possibly help someone else by relating to their own struggles.  Just like Pinkie Pie was a depresed living on her rock farm as an itty bitty twinkie Pinkie, she soon found her place and became a happy bubble of energy; and I too am travelling that road to happiness once again.  Thank you all.