please help me

i really hate doing this i really really do but it’s come to the point where i physically, emotionally and mentally cannot take it anymore.

my family physically, emotionally and mentally abuses me.

long story short, i live in an abusive household. my parents are forcing me into debt by threatening me to go to university (when my job career path does not call for it). 

i cannot come out, i am not safe. they do not believe in mental illness and have THREATENED ME (physically as well) if i chose to take medication (which i desperately need for my mental illnesses, i still take it even with the backlash from my parents). they have threatened to kick me out and block my bank card and phone if i do not go to school, even when i dont need and and they make me take a ridiculous amount of classes, hence digging my own grave of debt. ALSO, adding to the school thing. i will have NO INSURANCE AND NO FINANCIAL AID (if i drop out) for my mental and physical illnesses in which i need medication for.

basically, im living in a house that in inhibiting me from transitioning, draining me of all my money and forcing me through an expensive education and debt and threatening me to do so . im sorry if this isnt making sense but im so tired and stressed.

i’ve done my part though, i have gone to school (from highschool, summer classes and university without a break), kept up my grades, DROPPED ALCOHOL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE, i am now straight edge (this has saved me tons of money and has helped my emotional state tremendously, ive spent more time being productive and less time in the hospital and in therapy which also costs money) and even gotten 2 JOBS. i do commissions and i work COUNTLESS HOURS at mcdonalds, unfortunately because i have mcdonalds, my parents are now trying to make me pay for EVERYTHING, even things they want, and i really REALLY CANT AFFORD THAT.

my goal is to move out into the apartment with my boyfriend @animeadult and our awesome friend @cruciphix by april. however, my family has already drained my first paycheck and yet they take it out on me (even though it wasn’t a lot in all honesty, it was a lot to ME), ive been trying to earn DOUBLE by taking in more commissions and snagging as many hours as i can from mcdonalds.

im so tired and so desperate to leave my abusive family, and find a way to pursue my transition in a safe environment for me physically, emotionally and mentally. i genuinely apologize that it has come to this but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you can 

please donate to my paypal, its kaidenmichaels@gmail.com

and if u cant please spread this i just need to get out so badly i need to leave i really need to leave please help me.

if anything i will send a small drawing to those who donate as a thankyou, and you can even commission me its the same paypal just please.

i really need help and i know tumblr is a great place to go when someone needs it.

thank you for reading this and please share for me.

Sometimes its not only about being addicted to drugs, sometimes its also about being scared. You become so wrapped up and consumed in drugs you forget how to live a normal life. You isolate yourself from the world only surrounding yourself with other drug users. At first your having the time of your life, Not even realizing your pushing the rest of the world out. Eventually the party stops. Now you find yourself struggling to live a normal life, whatever that even is..
You don’t remember what it was like to go out on a “date” or out with friends on the weekends. You keep searching for that happiness you got out of life before you did drugs. Your mind is so fucked up. You want a normal life but at the same time you can’t remember what was so great about it? What did you do for fun?
You become scared. Lost. And drugs seem to be the only thing keeping you going.

2

HEROIN- Did you know if you boiled morphine, you’d get heroin? They discovered that in the late 1870s. Heroin is several times more potent than morphine. When heroin was discovered, it was briefly used in hospitals for pain medication, but is no longer used in hospitals because it crosses the blood-brain barrier and is highly addictive.

COCAINE- Derived from the coca plant in South America. Indigenous people chewed on the leaves to give them ‘strength and energy.’ Medicine men used it to wrap broken bones, reduce swelling, and treat festering wounds. The plant didn’t grow in Europe and spoiled easily during travel, so it wasn’t until 1855 in Germany that the main ingredients were isolated. By 1885, cocaine was sold in corner stores in America in various forms – cigarettes, powder, even injection by needle. In medicine, cocaine was commonly used as a local anaesthetic. Sigmund Freud prescribed it for his patients to induce euphoria for those depressed. It wasn’t until many years later they discovered its addictive nature.

Actual EMS report on patient  we had tonight…  “Patient found unresponsive by family in his car. Family got hose and sprayed patient down and then stuck a jalapeno in his mouth.

Originally posted by the-future-now

Apparently jalapeno ingestion does not do much for overdose patients, fortunately for this patient Narcan does the trick much better.

Maybe they should try a habanero next time?

I hate when people refer to my drug addiction as “partying”. The party stopped long ago before the addiction began, it hasn’t been partying since the very beginning  of my drug use. I may be high, but it isn’t fun anymore, certainly no where near a damn party. I need to invade my veins with smack and my lungs with crack just to function normally enough to start my day.  My life is consumed by addiction. Partying is a part of most peoples lives at some points on weekends or late nights, addiction is such a massive part of my life that when the weekend ends and the night turns to day I’m still trapped in the brutal cycle of drug addiction, this is no fucking party, it’s a nightmare.
—  journal entry 11-13-16
An Outside Perspective

I was on the bus earlier today and sat behind this guy who had a can of alcohol that he was sipping from. I didn’t think much of it except how much cheaper alcohol is than dope and that I wouldn’t mind a nice, fat shot of some afghan brown or china white. The guy then gets up to stand in front of the doors so he can get off at the stop we’re approaching when all of a sudden he turns around and lunges towards the window and spews projectile vomit at the cars passing us. Everybody’s staring and I’m so happy I moved down to the seat on the other end of the bus before he sprayed alcohol and stomach juices at everything in front of him. When he’s done, he slams the window closed in frustration and maybe even despair and the second he turns around to walk off the bus and light a cigarette, I realize I know him.

He was this guy I spoke to at my last detox about a year ago. He had scars on his arm from the years he spent self harming and was trying to cleanse himself of alcohol and heroin before it was too late. He acted tough and like he didn’t give a fuck about anything but chilling and having fun with some bottles and blunts. But that was a lie or else he wouldn’t have been in there with me. We never spoke or saw each other again after those few grueling days, but I thought about him every now and again. Not because he was cute or charming or anything like that, but just because he stuck out in my memories. He was different but pretended to be the same.

And when I saw him on that bus, I felt this deep sadness in my chest. Like how awful it must be to be him, to be broken and alone and still so addicted. I remember those feelings and how awful they were. The days and nights I spent dope sick, either rejected from detox or just went AMA, throwing up on trains and buses - just like him, homeless and hurting. It’s been a year and he’s still in the same spot, most likely worse than before.

And me? I’ve been clean for almost a year and I am so grateful for that because living that kind of life isn’t really living at all, it’s just existing with this constant pain and despair. I didn’t want that big shot of dope anymore because nostalgia is a liar. There’s not much good with using dope, it’s mostly just fucked up experiences and vicious cycles that get you nowhere but dead.