droppedthehammer

HEY! YOU WITH THE FACE!

If I owe you, and it’s been a long time, please, please tell me. I’ve lost like a bajillion threads, I’m sure of it. 

I really need to make a thread tracker… Just so I have em all in one place.

ashnazgtheonering replied to your post: I love every one of you reblogging that Thor…

I sometimes feel like I’m the only one on this whole site who doesn’t worship the ground Hiddles pisses on. Like I have a lot of respect for him as a person and actor and Loki is a great character but Thor is the reason I watch those movies, not him.

Oh my god, yes. I know that feel. For every Thor blog, there’s like a dozen Loki blogs and the amount of hate that some of those blogs have for Thor disgusts me. 

Things that make me happy:

  • When people tag me in random things, be it starters, ooc posts, or things that remind them of my muse. 
  • When people add my muse to their relationship/family pages.
  • When people say positive things about my muse and me to other people.
  • When people promo me. I know I often protest being promoed, but that’s out of a fear of not being good enough, haha. I’m still insanely flattered when it does happen.
  • When people send random asks. Especially random asks of love.

I’m probably going to get beaten for this but…

I keep seeing the test shots for Tom as Thor, and well…

If Tom had been Thor, I never would’ve watched it. <<

It’s well known that I originally watched Thor for entirely superficial reasons. Of course that’s not why I love him as a character now, but if Tom had been cast over Chris…I’d never have wanted to watch it.

Okay so here’s the deal.

I’ve been sitting on this for a couple of days, stewing and trying to decide what I should do. So here it is.

After what’s happened recently, online and offline, I’ve felt really crappy about myself and this blog. I haven’t wanted to RP as Thor. I do want to RP though, and since I can’t think of another character I’d enjoy as much as Thor, here we are. I’ve considered deleting, rebooting, making another Thor entirely, but I can’t bring myself to do either. I loved this blog. I loved my take on Thor. I put so much effort into it, so I can’t bear to get rid of it.

But here’s the thing: This blog is a hobby. I don’t get paid to do it. Lately I haven’t even been getting enjoyment from it. I don’t have any obligation to do it, and making me feel like shit because you feel entitled to my time and attention does not make me want to RP any more. If I don’t feel up to it, I don’t feel up to it.

I’ve whined a bit on this blog about my current situation, alright a fair bit, but I haven’t fully explained what’s going on. I’m depressed. Really depressed. Like, suicidal depressed. I haven’t mentioned anything on here about it, mostly because I’m in denial myself, but there it is. I’ve thought about killing myself. And while for some people, tumblr and roleplay becomes a distraction, for me a lot of the time it amplifies my insecurities. I feel like no one gives a damn about me in my real life, and when tumblr mirrors that, it makes me want to avoid this blog all together, even when I do want to write replies. And yes, I know that this is for the most part in my head, and my own actions are only making it worse, it still really fucking bothers me. I’m fully aware that when I avoid tumblr because my favourite partners are RPing with someone else and my head is screaming that they don’t need me, it only going to be worse when I decide to come back. Of course they’re going to be RPing with someone else, I fucked off for 2 weeks. It’s something that I need to work on.

So the gist of it is, there are going to be days when I don’t feel like replying. There are going to be days when I only feel like replying to one or two people. I’m going to talk about plots and not carry them out–not because I don’t want to RP with you, but because I get depressed and things fall to the wayside because of it. If you feel hurt by this, I’m really sorry. Send me a message about it and maybe we can work something out together. I promise I’m never ignoring anyone. My brain just doesn’t like me. 

And if you ever have a concern or an issue with me, for the love of all that is good, message me privately about it. We can do our best to sort things out there. There’s no need to publicly post grievances over the internet. Publicly shaming someone is something you can’t come back from.