dressing like a christian

not mine 💕chanelbabyl.tumblr.com 💖 following back similar💎 ask for advice, blog rate xx

“You’re going to be bad for business, I can tell.”

@lesetoilesfous requested Moulin Rouge!Kuroken and I died a thousand deaths of happiness. 

Can we discuss Yuu and Mika’s fashion sense and appreciate it because–


Yuu dresses like an edgy teen like the hoodie under the jacket and everything, and the way he has black in all of his outfits aND THE WAY THE NECKLINE GOES WAY PAST HIS COLLARBONES ON ALL OF HIS T-SHIRTS

And Mika…he dresses like such a christian poster child. He always has to be wearing at least two layers of clothing on his top half. what a cutie

Maybe their fashion sense is supposed to reflect how Yuu is the demonic one and Mika is the angelic one? Like how Yuu has bad grades and was really moody and Mika [used to be] really cheerful and was pretty much a prodigy child?

anonymous asked:

So I hate Easter's commercialism. But it is like the ultimate pagan ceremony dressed up as Christianity ever! And for that it is hilarious. Happy zombie Jesus shitting rabbit chocolate eggs day.

Isn’t that every Christian holiday?

All I really know about religion is I know nothing about religion.

I wonder how many chocolate shitting zombie Jesus rabbits were in Bethlehem.

Do you remember last night when you came home? Remember what you said?” He stares at me blankly, his face frozen.
“Well, you were right. I do choose this defenseless baby over you. That’s what any loving parent does. That’s what your mother should have done for you. And I am sorry that she didn’t—because we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now if she had. But you’re an adult now—you need to grow up and smell the
fucking coffee and stop behaving like a petulant adolescent.
“You may not be happy about this baby. I’m not ecstatic, given the timing and your less-than-lukewarm reception to this new life, this flesh of your flesh. But you can either do this with me, or I’ll do it on my own. The decision is yours. “While you wallow in your pit of self-pity and self-loathing, I’m going to work. And when I return I’ll be moving my belongings to the room upstairs.”
He blinks at me, shocked.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to finish getting dressed.
— 

Anastasia Rose Grey Telling off Christian like a badass bitch in Chapter 21 of Fifty Shades Freed  

Originally posted by realitytvgifs

Baptised in Heterosexual Beliefs [Christian Big Bro TF/MC]

~Part of Heartthrob Academy Series~

Heartthrob Academy’s Youth Ministry Group! Consisting of devoted Christians! Young men dressed like proper handsome charmers, discussing about the beautiful women inside their ministry, feeling incredibly aroused but abstaining due to their faith and training.

A mixture of slightly boisterous yet conserved voices bounced from within their group…well except one member.

Allen didn’t feel like he belonged, listening to the other boys boistering about kinda annoyed him. He hadn’t gotten the courage to tell anyone that he was gay, the average sized Asian sat down there alone and quietly observing his surroundings.

His Long hair brushed over his head hanging loosely shoulder length, weak as he didn’t exercise much , which accounts to his pale skin and gentle nature.

Wearing in white converse shoes, dressed in a plain Long sleeved Green Turtleneck with brown shorts, hiding away his rainbow band tucked beneath his sleeves. He wished that they didn’t implement this stupid rule about separating boys and girls…

Wanting to talk to his Friend Danielle about the things he was worried about, she was always such a good listener to him.

“BOYS! ITS PRAYER TIME! SHUSH!” Their girls shouted over to them, and they happily obeyed and apologised gentlemanly, yet with a hint of masculinity. The girls giggled in response as they began their prayer, with the boys following in pursuit within their circle, palms connected.

Taking turns saying in prayer with their eyes closed, except for Allen who felt butterflies after feeling the familiar, strong grips of two other male Christians. As he tried to keep his eyes as tiny as possible, while still being able to admire the features of his fellow youth group members once again.

“Lord, pls help us to be able to find us delightful wives , so the each one of us can become husbands to each of his own family, and God pray that our future children continue shining in your glory, find beautiful spouses as well, and remain homo free.” One of them said truthfully, before making a straight joke at the end.

PSSSSSSH

Not knowing what’s going on, a heavy relaxing mist is blown from the air conditioning, causing everyone to take in the stereotypical christian attributes from the homophobic man…in their own way of course.

“AMEN TO THAT!” The boys agreed one by one, going about in the circle, majority of the other boys snickering at that, except Allen who felt his boner being put to shame and filled with disappointment.

Allen just listened unhappily, not even noticing he himself muttering the word “Amen” as his head continued to look down, feeling itself being filled with thought. Him waiting for his turn.

As he thought about it, Allen became slightly frightened and worried the others may discover him and shame him for it. He had to go for casual conservative , his mind told him, saying it was the most appropriate choice in his current situation.

As the rest of the boys continued to mutter their own prayers, Allen thought about the dress code he could pull off, directing him away from any lustful desire that could harm him, to a useful herded mentality.

Feeling a row of buttons appear down the center as the turtleneck turned and popped down into a collar, eyes whilist still open, too distracted by his subconscious to even notice his surroundings.

A pair of natural cuffs connected themselves on the sides, mini checkers popping all over the design and whole shirt turning into a Long sleeved checkered dress shirt. The cold Breeze blew onto his legs, as Allen felt discomfort, as the next process began.

His shorts grew longer down the sides, reaching down as they gave him warmth and comfort whilist turning a dark navy blue, they grew tighter and tighter , tight fitting like what normally teens and young men would like to wear, being hip and one of the crowd as they see themselves into tight fitting jeans below.

The guy next to him began his prayer, as Allen glanced to right, originally staring at the bulge but eye jerking downwards to the shoes, like he wasn’t supposed to commit such indecent perverse acts in public, that’s what he told himself , like a new rule placed onto him.

If he wanted play safe and be one of the boys he had to get used to it, taking note of the black dress shoes the man next to him wore, wiggling his toes as his own shoes becoming identical to those.

With socks turning into that typical pure white Colour that most Christians enjoy wearing. Allen was pretty good at adapting, although he still felt uncomfortable with his pretend dailogue with the other guys, but he wanted to fit in, like it was important to him.

The man ended his prayer, and gave Allen’s hand a tight squeeze.

“Alright…I” Allen tried to come up with something to say, normally being able to spout out general things like Good grades and the such.

But he felt completely shaken by everyone’s homophobic nature. The comment and prayer left a mark, sucking away all of his generality and completely leaving his former Dick limp, yet despite that, the bulge seemed to be larger than normal regardless.

“I…” Allen felt his dark brown-black bangs droop over his head, distracting him from his previous thoughts as though it became a problem all of a sudden, never ever experiencing this dislike ever before for his Long hair–? Long hair? Isn’t Long hair for girls, why would he be having Long hair?

His sides and back became shaved off, as his bangs became trimmed slightly and got pushed and held back by the Holy Spirit. Slicked back with pomade and styled into a conservative undercut, handsome looking yet appropriate for his presentation.

“I agree with you man.”

Allen’s mouth moved on its own, dailogue spitting out stuff he couldn’t control, agreeing with Ryan? But he was gay wasn’t he? No…that’s not right…is it? Huh?

He felt his heart being broken into pieces , like the formal him and his crushes have been thrown away so that he could continue being one of the boys, like it suddenly meant the whole world to him. Not for the sake of blushing and arousal! He’s a guy for goodness sake! He should be attracted to g..gu…g…

“I sincerely hope that each of us will be blessed with beautiful wives and have children as well that’ll continue in our legacy.” He…smiled, feeling a new yet a similar, satisfying renewal of himself. Closing his eyes and resting in heaven’s embrace.

Baptising away the sinful deeds of his past…past? He was never gay! Haha! Modern society has too much influence on everyone nowadays, they should be resting in the spirit and keep their faith strong like he has all these years.

Abstaining and remaining pure, like a good Christian should be until they get together with their life partner.

He felt his body Aging and toning in the process, not so much like the jocks within his group, but of someone who worked out decently and maintained his shape so that he could look good for his future Wife.

Feeling out the jeans and dress shirt as they showed signs of firmness in his pecs, arms as well as a good amount in his legs to support his ever growing height, reaching around a 6ft right about now.

“Haha! Like you and that Danielle senior am I correct?” Ryan spoke out.

Danielle? Wasn’t she his Best Friend? Someone that can listen to him when he was feeling down? Someone that could always be by his side and sing lovely worship songs together with him? Someone that he felt genuinely attracted to? Why yes that Danielle.

He felt his jaw reshaping to her interests, as he doned several Asian-American features that she adored in him. Friendly, but confident and dependable eyes that she adored in him.

“Haha!” He coughed, feeling a deeper, sexier yet a slightly boyish voice coming from within his system.Neck adjusting as it grow proportionate to his body.

Danielle was head over heels for him, and likewise was he for her gorgeous features and body, as well as the lovely personality she had.

Feeling blush rising to his face like never before. True genuine, martial love like God had always wanted for him for all these years , and he was going to get it.

The rainbow bracelet faded away in Colour, as it solidified into a men’s watch Danielle got for his birthday, as he thought of all the wonderful things he did with her, a true sense of happiness dawned on him.

As a handsome Christian man in his early twenties, graduated the college in pursuit and devoted his life to his church and God, being a member of church band and choir. A student teacher spreading God’s word in Heartthrob Academy.

He tightened his left hand, as a silver, engraved ring dawned on his finger, a show sign of his trust with his fiancé. With that being said, it is without a doubt that Lennard is definitely a true man like his peers, already garning their respect from day one with his charismatic personality as well as also being the shoulder his brothers in the house can lean on.

“Big Brother’s going to get married with Dani once she’s finished with college. And you guys are all invited!” The men cheered quietly! Maintaining their voices like Big bro has reminded them too, guiding them to their life partners and giving them the nudge to make the move on the girls, they were thankful and respectful to him in every aspect, being the true alpha of the wolf pack amongst all of them.

Lennard expertly and calmly finished off the rest of his prayer, enlightening the rest of his group as the other beside him continued to say their prayers until they’re done. Once finished, he gathered the group as their leader towards the girls, already finishing the prayer before them.

He held Danielle’s hand and gave a kiss to her cheek, the lovebirds and big sibling figures blushed happily as they only taught of the happiness each other brought to them.

“God bless us eternally…”

Pendulum.

I’m a sweet…
Little love maker
Finding time
To make my words better

Me.

I was finally becoming the woman he wanted. I was finally becoming like the women who lusted after him. With every passing month, my locks became blonder. With every meal, my body was becoming slimmer as my hips and thighs began to shed away. I was spending more of my time with the other girlfriends and wives that enjoyed nights out rather than the group that tended to show up at all of the matches and spend their evenings going to calm movies together.

I was changing. I was evolving from that shy, quiet girl he once knew me as and beginning to shed that shell he had complained so much of before because he was tired of me not adjusting to his life and fame. I was happy to become this new woman knowing that it was what Gareth wanted.

Lately I’m…
Not so present now
Not enough
For your constant found

You.

I didn’t like this new her she had constructed. The Y/N I once knew didn’t enjoy spending her nights out at a club without me even by her side to help her navigate through the crowds of strangers that were passing off random drinks to her. Now when I came home I came home to an empty house instead of seeing her curled up in our bed wearing those black rimmed reading glasses I had grown to lust after. Her outfits of my oversized training shorts and her own t-shirts were being shed for Hervé Léger dresses and Christian Louboutin heels. I didn’t like it but I didn’t complain, figuring this was some internal transformation she was going through with age. I also didn’t know how to confront the issue of telling my girlfriend I may have been falling out of love with her.

Her being whoever this new woman was.

I’ve got time, but you’re tired of waiting
You only want me in open spaces
Can’t fill your gaps with people
I know no one

Me.

I exited the shower, letting my extra towel soak up the moisture of my hair while I wrapped the other one around my cold body. Gareth was sitting in the bedroom, folding up a large pile of clothes that were on top of the bed. “Hey. When did you get in here?” When I had hopped in the shower, he wasn’t even home.

He shrugged as he looked up at me. “I just got in a few minutes ago. The laundry was sounding off so I figured I’d grab the things out of the dryer for you.”

I gave him a small smile. “Thank you.” I walked over to my walk-in closet and immediately began rummaging through the many hangers of clothing and bags that were tossed about the floor, filled with new clothes that still had fresh tags on them.

“Where are you heading out to tonight?” I heard him yell out to me from the middle of the bedroom. There was an obvious annoyance in his voice but I decided to ignore it for the moment.

“We’re going to check out this new club not too far from here. It’s actually the grand opening night so they’re looking to get a lot of publicity. They invited me and the girls to sort of be seen there. Gave us our own section and everything.” I was now smiling. It felt good to be in the in-crowd. I had grown up being the one who was always in the group of friends that didn’t get invites to the big parties from classmates or getting to do all of the fun stuff I saw the popular girls doing but here I was, now a grown woman and finding my way into the crowd of women who were sent designer dresses for free and getting invited to big grand openings. “You should come, Gareth.”

I could hear him give a slight scoff and muttered a, “No thanks.”

I peaked out of the closet towards him, watching him as he ignored my stare and continued to fold. “You know, you never come out with me anymore.”

“And you never stay home with me anymore so I guess we’re even aren’t we?”

He still didn’t bother to look up at me as if he was too preoccupied with finishing up the pile of clothes. I decided I would be the one to take action and I walked out of the closet to stand in front of where he sat.

“What is your problem?”

It seemed he had a reached a breaking point then. My question had set off something in his mind that was beginning to release all of the emotions he had been holding within. He threw down one of my t-shirts that was clasped within his hand. “You know what my problem is? My wife would rather spend time with people at some club, that she doesn’t even know, than to spend it with me. That’s my problem. How many times have you went out this week? How many times have you woken me up in the middle night because you’re coming home drunk and can’t be decent enough to just leave me alone to sleep?”

It was apparent he was angry now as the emotion riddled his words. He had this fiery look in his eyes that if I wasn’t fuming with my own anger, I may have found attractive.

“Oh so when you want go out and have a good time its fine but when I do it it’s some big issue? You used to go out all of the time, Gareth!”
“Yes but that was before I grew up!” He stood up now, his much taller stature towering over my itty bitty one. “You’re my wife and you don’t even act like it because you’re too busy trying to impress your new little friends.”

“I thought this was what you wanted! You wanted me to adjust to Madrid and now that I finally am, you’re complaining? How fucking backwards is that?!”

“I wanted you to adjust. I didn’t want you to change into a completely different person! This isn’t the same person I married and you damn sure aren’t the person I fell in love with as a kid. That Y/N wouldn’t be doing this right now.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, becoming offended by his accusations. I once thought that Gareth had appreciated this change in me. We began to have sex more. He seemed to be more attracted to what I had become but now he was saying that things were the exact opposite.

So lonely trying to be yours
When you’re looking for so much more

You.

“Am I not the right guy for you anymore?” I accused. “Would you like to find one of those guys who can go out every night partying with you because please, let me know now before I find myself any deeper into this than I already am.”

14 years deep. I was 14 years deep into knowing this woman and who really knew how many years into loving her and she was changing right before my eyes. I thought maybe that was the scariest part. Not what was going on in the outside world involving my career and what I was or was not producing on the pitch but the fact that maybe, just maybe, the woman I had fallen in love with I was falling out of love with and she didn’t even realize it.

Her mouth dropped for a moment before she collected herself. “No. That’s not what I’m implying at all but I just thought…I thought you liked this new me. The hair and the clothes and the more outgoing me. That’s what you always wanted right? For me to break out of my shell?”

I huffed, remembering my words and the conversations she was referencing though the words were now twisted out of their original meaning. “I wanted you to break out of your shell, yes but that was to make new friends not to become an entirely new person. You could have done that without jeopardizing who you are. I can’t love this woman in front of me. I don’t want some party girl who wants to hang out with the wild WAGs who don’t even come out to support their boyfriends and husbands. I’m not looking for some sort of trophy wife.”

You forgot
How we fell in love
I’m your sweet…
Little love maker

Me.

He began to break down, falling back down to the bed in a sitting position as he dropped his head into his hands to probably try and cover the tears that were falling from his eyes. He had reached his breaking point and I hadn’t even realized. I knew there was a lot of things stressing him out but I hadn’t realized I was beginning to become one of those things.

I felt…bad but I remained silent, unsure of what exactly to say right now. I sat next to him silently, staring ahead of me at nothing in particular. I could hear him murmur lowly beside me, his head still in his hands and his voice broken, “If you want to go, you better finish getting ready before you’re late.”

But I didn’t care about being late or even going out to a club anymore. My husband was sitting beside me practically heartbroken. Going out was the last thing on my mind. I laid my head against his shoulder, pushing the towel off of my head and to the floor before I did.
It seemed he wasn’t so much bothered by my nearness to him. He instead wrapped his right arm around me before pulling me back to lay against the bed, our legs still bent as they were in the seated position but our eyes fixated on the ceiling above us and his arm still around me.

We laid there like that for a while. In silence. In thought. I watched the ceiling above me and from the corner of my eye watched his chest rise up and down calmly until I decided to break the quiet between us.

“I didn’t realize what I was doing to you…”

“I know. I know you wouldn’t have done it if you knew,” was all he said back.

“I’ll be better I promise. I’ll go back to being the old me. I’ll dye my hair back…”

“It’s not about the hair. It doesn’t matter what color your hair is. That doesn’t change you. It’s the personality changes that came with it. If you really find yourself happy like this, I’m not going to stop you from being that. People change and maybe you’ve changed into…this.”

I shook my head and sat up, propping myself up on my elbow to look at him next to me. “Gareth, this isn’t me. Deep down it really isn’t. I was just trying to become like them thinking that’s what you wanted but I see I was wrong and I shouldn’t have assumed that’s what you wanted me to do. I should have been secure enough in myself to know the old me was enough.”

He looked to me for a moment before taking my face between his hands and placing a passionate kiss to my lips. I realized then the passion I thought I was feeling when he kissed me in recent weeks wasn’t all that heavy as I thought it was. This kiss was, like he was being reunited with an old love.

“Never change. Please. I fell in love with you years ago as you were. That girl can never be topped. Remember that.”

gif credit to james-rodriguez

#iNEEDfeminism because I hide my period from my mother so that she doesn’t invalidate every opinion I make or avoid what she deems to be ‘sensitive’ or 'controversial’ topics with me, because I’ll 'flip out’

A couple of those oh so sensitive trigger topics for me?

1. Feminism and Equal Rights (she believes they’re different, feminism is lesbians, and she’s a 'Christian’)

2. Me not 'dressing like a girl’ when out in public and that fact that she thinks this is because I don’t have a man in my life to dress for.

Are these not normal things to flip out over? Its hard enough having to constantly listen to her sexist and mysogynistic comments without being reduced to nothing but my biology by my own mother.

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades Freed (part 6/?)

1. Lord give me patience
2. And more wine
3. Christian has mommy issues. Of course. That much was obvious. I just don’t give a shit anymore.


4. They’re actually communicating, but it’s all so poorly worded that it’s confusing and annoying.
5.  Nightmares, then angry sex. Sure. Suuuuuure. It’s all very very realistic. As realistic as unicorns and magic.
6. “My inner goddess is preparing to disembowel herself” - *whispers* God is real

7. More sex. *yawning loudly*
8.I always think of Christian as strong and dominating—yet the reality is he’s so fragile, my lost boy.” – uh huh, sure, Ana, keep telling yourself that. I hate that she’s excusing all his behaviour
9.Strong enough to do what I’m told and give him some peace of mind? I sigh. He’s not asking that much of me.” – no Ana, sure he’s not. He’s just asking to listen to him at all times, do whatever the fuck he wants, give him the details of where you are and what you’re doing at all times, abandon yourself basically. That’s not much at all.
10. This book annoys me.
11.lets me keep my integrity and independence” – WHAT INTEGRITY AND INDEPENDENCE ANA YOU’RE STUPID
12.My subconscious raises a plucked-to-within-an-inch-of-its-life eyebrow at me.” – I am within an inch of my life and things will surely get worse if this stupidity of a book keeps toying with my patience, sanity and will to live
13. Christian volunteered more information about Jack the ex-boss and asshole to Kate and his brother, than he did to Ana. He was “protecting her”. 


14.Mr. Unbelievably Angry” – WHY E.L.JAMES WHY 

15. I legit don’t give a fuck what happens to anyone in this book. An atomic bomb could drop on their asses and I’d be like “oh, how lovely”
16.Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.” – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO

17. THESE PEOPLE REASSURE EACH OTHER SO MUCH IT’S BECOMING ANNOYING I MEAN I GET NEEDING TO REASSURE YOUR PARTNER BUT HOLY FUCK THIS IS SO OVER THE TOP AND UNNECESSARY AND TEDIOUS AND SOMEONE SLAP ME SO I CAN FEEL SOMETHING AGAIN
18.Christian needs boy time.” – Christian needs jail time tbh
19.Miss Well-Groomed-Sexual-Predator, Miss Satin Hot Pants, Miss Lip Gloss, Miss Hot Pants Number Two” – I’m crying who decided this can go in a book why why why

20. Bless the fade-to-black, I couldn’t have endured another 5 pages of badly written sex.
21. Do you think trees cried knowing that they’ve become this awful excuse for literature?
22. I’m now sad for the trees.
23.My inner goddess licks her lips salaciously and gives me her well-fucked grin.” – I … don’t… even… words… anymore
24.my indecently short dress. I need Christian to approve” – shocking. I’m so astounded at the fact that Ana needs Christian to tell her it’s okay to dress like that. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
25. Elliot (Christian’s brother) has asked Kate to marry him. And I don’t care. I haven’t cared this little about book characters…ever.
26. Club brawl, because of course someone decided to put his hands on Ana.
27. “Touching me wasn’t the worst crime against humanity.” – oh my god Ana, if some dude touches you without your permission you’re allowed to kick the shit out of him how is this debatable
28.Yet deep down I know why I hit him. It’s because I instinctively knew how Christian would react seeing some stranger pawing me. I knew he’d lose his precious self-control. And the thought that some stupid nobody could derail my husband, my love, well, it makes me mad. Really mad.” – so she didn’t hit the dude who touched her because she felt offended FOR HERSELF. No, she hit him because she felt offended on Christian’s behalf. Fuck me. Fuck this book. Fuck everything.

29.Holy crap, he’s holding a cotton ball!” – half of the time I don’t understand why Ana keeps marvelling over EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING
30. “I’d fight you any day, Mrs. Grey. In fact, subduing you in bed is a fantasy of mine.
“I thought you subdued me all the time.”
“Hmm … but I’d like some resistance,” he murmurs

31. Hold the fuck up. No, surely not…. This sounds like rape fantasy but no… E.L.James wouldn’t go there
32.   “So I’m supposed to be unwilling?”
“Yes.” – OH HELL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING NO
33.attempt to buck him off me. He’s too heavy. Gah! It’s frustrating and hot.”  – E.L.JAMES, YOU’RE A DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! IS THIS HOT TO YOU?!?! RAPE IS HOT?!? RAPE FANTASIES ARE HOT?!?! FUCK YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF THE UNDERWORLD

34. I can’t believe this shit. I’m so angry.
35. I thought she drew the line somewhere but fuck no.

36. Fuck this book

37. Fuck everything

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades of Grey

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades Darker

8

2015.06.03 Princess Isabella and Prince Christian spent Wednesday evening in the Tivoli Gardens in Copenhagen. They were in the company of their grandmother, Queen Margrethe and their dad, Crown Prince Frederik. 

The Prince and Princess were there to see the ballet ‘The Swineherd’, by Danish author Hans Christian Andersen at the Pantomine Theatre. The Queen is the designer behind the colourful costumes and scenography of the performance.

Along with their dad, Princess Isabella and Prince Christian arrived shortly before the beginning of the show, and took their seats on the front row among the audience. Here they were joined by Queen Margrethe who greeted her grandchildren and son with loving pecks on their cheeks.

The four royals enjoyed the performance, and after the show, Frederik took Isabella and Christian backstage to meet the cast.

50 Shades of Grey: Some Thoughts

I feel some pressure for this to be meaningful, but I also have to leave in an hour to make my THIGHS FUCKING BURN AT A BALLET BARRE.  This is going to be nonsense. Here I go.

50 Shades of Grey is so easy to understand. Anyone who tries to parse through it is an idiot, and you should tell them so. It’s a fairy tale. It’s not even a fairy tale for adults. It’s a fairy tale for like the little 4-year-old girl who lives inside of you. The one you didn’t even realize got turned on, back in the day, when your daddy spanked you. You can take it seriously, or you can approach it like my friend Stephanie.

“I’m gonna wait til my dad comes back in town and see with him,” she told me this morning.

Anyway, so I never read the books. My sister one time read me passages from them when we were stuck in traffic in the Bronx. It made me sort of grossed out not because they were that dirty, but rather because my sister was reading them to me while smoking a cigarette. At 32, I’ve at least acted on most of the sexual scenes from the book, if not thought about them. Only instead of a rich 27-year-old billionaire, my fantasies involve a gigantic black man….or Caleb. Definitely Caleb. Definitely not Jamie Dornan.

Here’s what the story is. A sweet and innocent English lit major named Anastasia going to school in Portland meets Christian Grey. She interviews him for the college newspaper. He’s like, “Yeah, I’ll give you an interview, I’m a billionaire but I literally never work, I just am constantly changing outfits.” Then he becomes obsessed with her because…wait for it…SHE’S A FUCKING VIRGIN! They have sex, he introduces her into his “secret world,” he is literally around ALL of the time, he buys her shit, he takes her on magic adventures, he stalks her and then they fall in love, happily ever after! She never gives him fellatio — cooties! — but he goes down on her every single time they get naked. HE EVEN BRAIDS HER HAIR. 

Ok, now replace Anastasia with a plump middle-aged white woman eating a jumbo bag of Peanut M&Ms, and you have the real subject of the story, E.L. James, the author.

Christian Grey is some sick combination of the prom king at her high school, her step-father, her Uncle Jim and Robert Kincaid in “Bridges of Madison County.” Only rather than being themselves, they are just richer, better versions of themselves that love her and want to treat her like a princess.

Keep reading

things i’ve actually heard while in christian school

“and MAN i went FULL ON BIBLE ON HIM!!1!”

“yeet sauce”

“what the yeet”

“harley, i really don’t like the word heck”

“we really avoided a dictatorship with trump winning and hillary losing”

it’s adam an eve, not adam and steve!!1!!!11!

“fractions are more precise than decimals” - (my math teacher)

“harley, please pull your skirt down below your knee”

“i know i’m overweight and have a problem with eating, but guys, homosexuality is not ok!!1!”

“we have you wear skirts because if you wear jeans the boys will get distracted by what you wear and we can’t have that”

“you should grow your hair out it’d look so pretty!1!!1!”

“hey harley, so i heard you want to be,,,transgender” (like i am??lol)

“i mean girl on girl is hOt but guy on guy is weird”

“yeet cheese”

“harley quit stomping that carebears sticker on the floor and pick it off right now”

teacher “is that an earring?” (me) “no, its a mole in my ear (teacher) “are you sure??/” 

“depression is caused when you don’t have god a lot of the time”

“global warming is a bunch of baloney”

(from a senior) : “ahh, i don’t believe arthritis is real haha”

“is that jesus? drawn on a cheez-it?”