Omfg sooooo the one woman w/ the rush bag was here again this week & I was just awkwardly lurking on her end of the pool & she started making small talk with me while my hell brain was still trying to dredge up a basic greeting & I legit ended up blushing so much I had to hold my flutterboard in front of my face. someone end me I’m such a creep

Deepwater sipunculan, Panama by Arthur Anker on Flickr.

“These animals, which are commonly called "peanut worms” because some have the general shape of shelled peanuts, are not particularly well studied. Only about 320 species have been formally described, all marine and mostly from shallow waters.“
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I found the perfect deck to play if you hate your opponent, yourself, judges, and the concept of fun.

It’s called Four Horsemen.

It’s a variant of the good ol’ Legacy dredge deck, but much more ridiculous. You mill Narcomoebas and flash back Dread Return, but the process of getting there is unfathomably silly and dubiously legal.

The combo goes like this:

Play Mesmeric Orb.

Play Basalt Monolith.

Tap and untap Basalt Monolith an arbitrary number of times to gleefully mill yourself, with a legendary Eldrazi in the deck to shuffle it all back in eventually.

Now here’s the catch:

There is no guarantee that you’ll get the right set of combo pieces in the graveyard before the Eldrazi shuffles it back in.

You need to get at least three Narcomoebas in play, and your graveyard will need all of these things sitting in it:

Dread Return

Sharuum the Hegemon

Blasting Station

From there, you flash back Dread Return to reanimate Sharuum, which brings back Blasting Station. Tap it to sacrifice a Narcomoeba for damage, twiddle the Monolith some more to get an Eldrazi in the graveyard to shuffle it back in, mill yourself some more, get the Narcomoeba out again for 1 more damage, and so on.

Here’s the thing: you could theoretically spend hours going through the mill-and-reshuffle loop before you get all of these things in the graveyard. Since it’s random every time, you can’t just say, “I do this loop and theoretically, in the future, it will work out.” The deck is in a gray area with the rules, and even now its “slow-play violation” status is in dispute.

The best part is, the deck isn’t even that good. It folds to all the graveyard hate that affects Dredge decks, and you’re screwed if any of the singleton combo pieces are hit with Surgical Extraction or anything like that.

I’m tempted to proxy it up and take it to FNM, but I don’t want to be especially evil.

omgcp characters as things i have done:
  • bitty:drunkenly walked into the kitchen section of ikea and attempted to start baking with the showroom appliances
  • jack:was so uncomfortable at a party that i hid in my room for three hours… it was my birthday party
  • shitty:got really high, made a banner explaining intersectional feminism and then fell out of a tree while trying to hang it outside the campus library
  • lardo:accidentally gave myself food poisoning halfway through a ten hour art exam and threw up on my canvas, turned it into an experimental piece and got an A
  • ransom:was so delusional from my fever that i claimed i was a doctor, took unprescribed penicillin and ended up in hospital because of a severe allergic reaction
  • holster:had a three day breakdown when lorelai and luke broke up on gilmore girls and wore black to all my classes for two weeks to mourn their relationship
  • nursey:was so drunk that i decided to rewrite the iliad except achilles was a chili pepper and emailed it to my english lit professor
  • dex:yelled for so long at a homophobic fuckboy that i lost my voice but continued to argue by writing it down on paper and throwing it at him
  • chowder:burst into tears on the finding nemo ride at disney world because i tried to name all the fish but the ride moved too fast
  • tango:got so confused in statistics class that i ended up breaking down and repeatedly asking my professor 'what do numbers even mean' while crying
  • whiskey:avoided being kissed by a boy at a party by sidestepping as he leant forward and he fell on his face and cried
  • kent:decided to throw a birthday for my best friend’s cats after she told me that they were ‘just cats’ so she wasn’t doing anything special
  • tater:clapped my friend so hard on the back that i almost dislocated their shoulder and then felt so bad about it that i tried to carry them to the doctor

So, if you all have noticed, I really love the game Guild Wars 2. So much that I have a side blog dedicated to it, where I’ve had an ongoing series of NPC ideas. But it feels like a shame to have them all over where no one can see them, so here they are!

Yevipraksiya is a Dredge who joined the Pact, disagreeing with the xenophobic views of the Dredge Commissars and their idea of “revolutionary tactics”. She now works as a technician and cultural advisor for the Pact, speaking of issues concerning her race and how to communicate the prospect of alliance. 

Black Cats

Thursday is the best day of the week for one reason: Magic Club. The University of Delaware has a registered student organization just for magical gatherings. The club has a casual atmosphere, but there are a few players who are more up to date on the competitive side of things.

I was talking to AJ, one of the most avid grinders at the club. The conversation started with him berating my dredge list that didn’t play dedicated dread return targets main board. He saw my list and figured that I was cutting the non-troll fatties because I thought these cards were crutches. After we discussed how terrible that argument is, I explained my real rationale (more on this later).

The conversation warped from the flaw of the phrase “it’s just a crutch” to “play the best version of what you are playing.” Here is where I realized that My American Ravings list was fundamentally flawed.

The flaw hinged on the namesake card. Desperate Ravings is just not as good as forbidden alchemy. It is that simple. Alchemy is one of the best cards in the set, what was I doing playing a deck that took advantage of end of turn draw spells without playing this card? Playing and flashing back Ravings will draw you 2 cards, and randomly loot two more card. That’s up two cards after losing 2 cards at random. Alchemy will see 8 cards, draw you 2, and you get to see what cards go to the bin. Huge difference.

The burn spells were just too cute. After tuning the deck a little more I decided that day is the better mass removal spell. With the slag storms gone the “burn you out” plan got a little worse. I found myself trading snapcasters and brimstone volleys for big creatures that would have killed my otherwise. The games where the army of 2/2 cats needed burn to seal the deal were few and far between. The cats would eventually be enough, or you lost. In such a cut and dry situation it was wrong for me to keep trying to go deep with makeshift lava axes.

I was playing a bad red draw engine, and bad red removal. Time to pick up the colors the big boys are playing. I give you the next white sun zenith deck:

Black Cats

// Lands

    1 Darkslick Shores

    1 Swamp

    2 Plains

    2 Seachrome Coast

    2 Nephalia Drownyard

    4 Drowned Catacomb

    4 Isolated Chapel

    4 Glacial Fortress

    6 Island

// Creatures

    4 Snapcaster Mage

// Spells

    2 White Sun’s Zenith

    1 Go for the Throat

    1 Timely Reinforcements

    1 Dismember

    1 Tribute to Hunger

    1 Blue Sun’s Zenith

    2 Day of Judgment

    3 Dissipate

    3 Oblivion Ring

    3 Doom Blade

    4 Mana Leak

    4 Forbidden Alchemy

    4 Think Twice

// Sideboard

SB: 2 Purify the Grave

SB: 3 Azure Mage

SB: 2 Sword of Feast and Famine

SB: 2 Divine Offering

SB: 1 Witchbane Orb

SB: 2 Celestial Purge

SB: 1 Flashfreeze

SB: 1 Timely Reinforcements

SB: 1 Day of Judgment

 Same basic principal as the decks I have been playing in this format. Out draw your opponent, don’t tap out, kill em with instant threats, and have the best snapcaster mages.

The deck and board seem very intuitive. Only weird card is blue sun zenith. It allows you to outdraw your opponents, and even kill them after the drownyards go to town on your opponent’s deck. I don’t know if I like my removal package yet. The format is really stretching instant speed removal out thin. Tributes has its moments, and dismember kills turn 1 dork, but both get laughed at by grave titan. It could be right that doom blade is just the best choice. I’m going to fumbling around with the removal numbers.

This is the deck I would have played in states today, if I could have attended. It has decent agro matchups, dominates control mirrors, and can stop wolf run pretty well.

I hope you guys dominate your states!