dreamss !!

The Transformation

Alton Brown in Good Eats: Friendly, would make you dinner, buys organic foods, loves learning, is gentle.

Alton Brown in Cutthroat Kitchen: Replaced the knives with pool noodles, replaces pots with fedoras, bathes in chefs’ tears, eyes like rabid raccoon, will shit on your dreamss

I Can’t Save Her: Part 33

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Angst, References of Death, Brief Allusion to Suicide

Catch Up Here

Word Count: 1164

Summary: You have been with the Avengers for three years and during that time you have developed a close friendship with Bucky. When you discover another woman in Bucky’s room you begin to question what your true feelings are for him.

Author’s Notes: Surprise – it’s back! I’m sorry it took me so long to update this story. I plan on updating it pretty regularly now!  DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ PART 31or 32 – MAJOR SPOILERS.

Originally posted by msmcmurphy

Originally posted by steviebucks

Living in grief is a lot like living under water. People speak, but they always seem so far away – as if they are shouting even though they are right next to you. God, was I tired of the shouting. I tried to count the days spent in my hospital bed, tucked away in a safe room at Clint’s home, while the outside world, including Bucky, thought I was dead— just like Steve. The weight of such a thought made it feel impossible to breathe.

“Y/N,” Tony snapped as I stared into the invisible space that only existed for me within the room.

“What?” I asked groggily. Tony had made the doctors keep me on a solid regimen of drugs. He said it was pain management, but I think it was his way of making sure I didn’t do something stupid. It was so much easier to sleep – if only I could be asleep now…

“As I was saying – the doctors said you won’t do physical therapy,” he said matter-of-factly as he crossed his arms waiting for my reply.

“I don’t feel like it,” I muttered. My throat was still raw from my screaming. Since Tony had broken the news about Steve I had had terrible nightmares every night.

“I feel like not feeling like doing it is a given as you were shot and had surgery, but the doctors are saying you have to start if you have any chance of fully recovering,” he explained – his words were more even – their bite extinguishing as his worry for me gave way.

“If I do it will you stop talking to me?” I asked bitterly as I shifted my gaze to meet his eyes.

“Yes,” he responded glibly before ducking from the room and ushering the doctors in.


I followed Steve up the stone steps to the courthouse. I knew – I knew how this would play out, and yet I couldn’t call out to him. I couldn’t warn him as my feet followed his steps. The shots rang out as they did every time and I watched as the crimson leaked first from Steve’s body before the piercing pain in my abdomen alerted me of my own injuries. As I fell to my knees I looked passed the chaotic crowd and locked eyes with Bucky.

I woke up screaming as I always did. The dream had been reoccurring since the events at the courthouse. It seemed real enough that I questioned whether it was really a dream at all. As I slowed my breathing and wiped the sweat from my brow I stared at the ceiling. It had been over a month since the incident, and Nick hadn’t managed to find a trace of Bucky since he had disappeared. I had lost everything, because of who I was and the careless way I had treated my life and those I loved. Tony had gone back to New York to rejoin the Avengers’ hunt for Bucky – leaving me in the care of Clint and Laura along with a small circle of doctors that could be trusted to keep my whereabouts hidden. Tony had done his best to keep the outside world from me, but I had garnered enough to know what people were saying about me. I had been the cause of Captain America’s death. Steve Rogers died defending someone who couldn’t keep her shit together when a civilian insulted them. No one mourned me, and, possibly worst of all, everything they said was true.

Steve was gone… Bucky was gone… and somehow it was my fault. I felt it in the radiating pain from every breath I took, and the silent tears I shed. I clutched hopelessly at my chest – trying desperately to keep its contents within me. As I listened to the growing quietness around me I realized for the first time since the incident I seemed truly alone. Tony and a variety of doctors had been fretting over my every move or sound for what had felt like weeks now. It was with the realization that I had a small ray of freedom that I stumbled from the bed and made my way quietly through the empty house using the first shades of moonlight in the night sky to guide me.

I wasn’t certain where I was going as I padded clumsily through the darkness, but I knew I needed to desperately be alone. Every muscle in my body ached as I reached the tree line – my bare feet already felt raw from their sudden use as they stumbled across rocks and twigs. I walked in silence – the only sound being that of my labored breathing as I tried to urge my body onward even as the fiery pain in my abdomen threatened to overwhelm me. I continued my journey for what seemed like hours before coming to a stream that had swollen with the recent rains. At first I stood staring at it dumbfounded – I had planned to continue my trek, but had not anticipated such an obstacle. In truth, I wasn’t sure at first what had driven me away from the house, and those that had watched over me while I recovered. That was until I found my toes edging into the cold water. A disheartened chuckle left my lips before I began to wade into the icy water. Wouldn’t it be so much simpler for everyone? – I thought to myself before the current swept my feet off the mossy stones they had been clumsily struggling to grasp to. I didn’t have the strength to fight the current, or maybe I had resigned myself to it before getting out of my bed and walking into the forest. It was a peculiar feeling – I had felt for weeks like I had been living under water – unable to connect with those around me, and now I found the actual sensation to be… peaceful. As my lungs burned – alerting me to their dire need for the one thing I had no plan of giving them again, I could only think to myself how ironic a thing it was – to meet death again in peace.

I felt his lips one last time as I  the pain in my chest radiated throughout my body. I just needed to be with him one last time – I thought to myself in a daze. Suddenly water erupted from my mouth as I sputtered for air. The soft crunch of dead leaves near me made me open my blurry eyes to see the back of a man as he walked quickly away. For a moment I wasn’t sure if I had entered some form of purgatory or if I was still alive. How? It made no sense. How could he be here?

“Bucky…” His name fell from my lips so quietly that no one else could have heard it… no one else but him. The form faltered in its retreat for only a moment before my mind succumbed to darkness.


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I Can’t Save Her: Part 32

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Angst, References of Death

Catch Up Here

Word Count: 1251

Summary: You have been with the Avengers for three years and during that time you have developed a close friendship with Bucky. When you discover another woman in Bucky’s room you begin to question what your true feelings are for him.

Author’s Notes: If you were hoping things would get better after part 31… well… you’re going to be disappointed. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ PART 31 – MAJOR SPOILERS.

Originally posted by theperkybuttofrdj

Originally posted by heartbreakhur

There is nothing beautiful about inching your way towards death. When it is slow – we call it life. When it is quick – we call it sickness or an emergency. The reality is – we all die – even the heroes. If we’re lucky we get the happy ending – the normal life – for a few years before… but more times than not we run to death with open arms, because you can only protect so much before sacrificing yourself. As I stared into the darkness I knew I wasn’t dead yet. There was still a little spark left in me, but I was so tired… I longed for it to end. I just wanted to float into oblivion.

“Just let it end,” I whispered into the void.

“What end?” I heard a familiar voice as I felt a warmth presence envelope my hand. I suddenly became aware of the sound of machinery near me as I fought to open my eyes. I was being pulled out of the fog and darkness and back into the world. I blinked several times before recognizing the person sitting beside me.

“Tony?” I croaked softly as my eyes adjusted to the light. I was becoming increasingly aware of the pain that throbbed in my stomach and arm. “Where… where am I?” I asked. I couldn’t remember much of what had led me to being here.

“You’re at Clint’s. We set up a quasi-medical room in one of his extra bedrooms. You’re safe,” Tony added with a soft squeeze of my hand.

Scenes of blood and screams flashed through my mind. I couldn’t remember what was real and what were dreams anymore. “What…what happened to me?” I asked as my eyes flitted to my bandaged abdomen. I struggled to sit up before the fiery pain overtook me and my head fell helplessly back onto the pillow.

“Take it easy, kid. You’ve lost a lot of blood. You were attacked on your way into the courthouse,” Tony answered hesitantly. His answer gripped inside of me as I felt myself starting to shake. Bits and pieces of my memories were slowly starting to surface.

“Where is Steve?” I asked frantically, bolting upright despite the crippling pain.

“Y/N! You need to lay back down… you can’t…”

“Where is Steve?!” I demanded again as my vision clouded with tears. I wasn’t sure which pain was worse – the physical pain or the pain of knowing what Tony would say next.

Tony sighed sadly as he gently helped me lay back down. “He didn’t…” his voice cracked as his eyes glistened with tears. “He didn’t make it.” I bit the inside of my cheek to stifle my cry as tears pricked at my eyes. It hurt to cry – it hurt to do breathe, and all the pain reminded me of was the fact that I was alive and Steve was dead. Tony gently wiped the tears away. “You need to rest, kid. You need to heal. F.R.I.D.A.Y. call in the doctor to see if it’s time for Y/N’s medication. Please let him know that she is awake.” Tony proceeded to stand up and walk to the doors.

“Tony?” I whispered through tears as he turned to look at me with his hand on the doorknob.

“Yeah, kid?”

“You should have let me die,” I whispered before closing my eyes and praying that I would fall back into oblivion.


“Tony?” I asked tiredly as I forced my eyes to open slowly.

“Yeah kid?” he answered wearily. It had been a few days since I had woken up the first time. Before that I had been asleep for three days. Even now I fought to maintain consciousness. As desperately as I hated being awake I just as desperately held onto it until I couldn’t anymore. I needed to know what happened. I needed to know why two of the people I loved were not there with me.

“Steve… he’s,” I muttered tiredly. I could tell by Tony’s tired sigh that I repeated this like a mantra every time I woke. “He’s dead, isn’t he?” I asked quietly.

“Yes – yes, he is,” Tony answered just as quietly.

“Where’s Bucky?” I asked through tears. I hadn’t ever managed to verbalize this question before. I couldn’t deal with the pain of losing Steve alone.

Tony’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Y/N, I need to tell you something, but first you have to promise me something,” he whispered as his thumb traced the veins on the back of my hand.

“What?” I asked wearily. I felt like I couldn’t promise anything – not honestly.

“No matter what happens next you have to promise me you won’t give up kid. You’re part of our…. You’re part of my family, and I’ve lost enough family for a lifetime. Deal?” he asked as his eyes gleamed with tears.

It was as I looked into Tony’s eyes and saw the deep sorrow that he usually hid so well that I understood. This wasn’t about me anymore. I could give up – I could never get out of this bed again. It would be the easiest option. It would be the most selfish. I looked at Tony and I saw a man that had lost more than one family – a man living through his past trauma, but trying his best to be strong for those that were still here. I looked into his eyes and I knew I had to make that promise, and I had to honor it. “I promise,” I whispered as a tear slid down my cheek. Tony cleared his throat uncomfortably as he shifted his eyes away from me. The anxiety that followed his movements was almost crippling. “Please – just tell me.”

“Fury kept his promise. Barnes was in D.C. at the time of the attack. Of course, if we had known you were going to be attacked… well it may have been better if he had been here,” Tony sighed to himself as he hung his head in his hands.

“What?” I managed to choke out. I could feel the hysteria trying to desperately claw its way out of me. I was afraid if it broke free I would never be able to control it again. “Tony, what?” I demanded impatiently.

Tony looked up at me again and grimaced. “Everyone thinks you’re dead,” he explained matter-of-factly.

“Excuse me?” I asked in alarm as I struggled to sit up. Tony’s firm hand on my shoulder prevented me from getting far.

“Y/N, we don’t know who is responsible for this attack, and we don’t know if they were targeting you or Steve,” Tony tried to explain calmly.

“You don’t know? You don’t fucking know? Are you kidding me Tony? You know exactly who is responsible! You know they were going after me! Where the fuck is Bucky?!” I yelled frantically. In my mind I could see Bucky – alone – thinking the two people he cared about the most were dead.

“Barnes is M.I.A. Fury is doing everything he can to find him, but it’s like he’s vanished into thin air after the attack. We think that there’s a possibility…” Tony’s words halted as his face contorted with pain.

“What? There’s a possibility that what?” I demanded.

“There’s a possibility that Bucky could have been involved,” Tony replied.

And just like that – my hysteria burst through every defense I had and I floated into a dark cloud of misery. I never thought I would long for the feeling of inching towards my demise – God, I was wrong.


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I Can’t Save Her: Part 28

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Sex

Catch Up Here

Word Count: 1663

Summary: You have been with the Avengers for three years and during that time you have developed a close friendship with Bucky. When you discover another woman in Bucky’s room you begin to question what your true feelings are for him.

Author’s Notes: As I’ve said previously – this story is kind of on its homestretch.   Here’s a little quiet before the storm <3.

Originally posted by lowkeysebastianstan

Originally posted by sensualkisses

Tony and Steve had both agreed that it would be best to stay in Vienna for the time being. The rest of the team could handle any missions that arose in the states, and it would give us time away. They both fretted over me constantly – I was healing fine physically, but I could tell that they worried about my impulsive and irrational behavior during our mission. Every day Bucky spent hours with the doctors that Tony had brought to the facility as they tried to determine if H.Y.D.R.A. had done anything to his mind. As much as I had hoped for our kiss to be the gateway to something more – it hadn’t. Bucky kept his distance during the day – going so far as to avoid me, but stayed with me every night. By the time I woke up each morning he was always gone.  Several days passed and he kept up his disappearing act – always offering me comfort during the night, but vanishing before the morning.

Everything changed the night he had his nightmare.


I woke to Bucky screaming beside me. As I rolled over on my side I saw him writhing under some invisible force, his body soaked in sweat, as his chest heaved with exertion. I immediately remembered the last time he had a nightmare – the catalyst that made him finally leave. For a moment I laid frozen beside him – unsure as to what I should do. My heart ached – I couldn’t watch him suffer… I had to do something even if it put me in danger. I gently rested my head on his chest as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I laid quietly with him as his breathing slowed.

“Y/N?” he asked as panic cut into his voice.

“Shh… I’m here James. You’re safe,” I whispered softly as I ran my hand up and down his chest. He sighed shakily as I continued to comfort him.

“I…. I dreamed…” he whispered. Usually he didn’t talk about his dreams, but I had a pretty good idea as to what they consisted of.

“Shh…. It’s okay. It was just a dream,” I soothed as he drifted back to sleep.


I blinked sleepily as I turned to Bucky’s side of the bed. Disappointment struck me as I faced an empty bed yet again. I was certain that last night would have changed the way he was acting towards me. I huffed as I rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling. The more time I spent with Bucky the more I wished for the normalcy and intimacy that we once had. I knew I couldn’t push it – it would either happen in time or it wouldn’t, but I found myself wishing time would hurry up. Steve and Tony had told me to give the case about my parents’ involvement with H.Y.D.R.A. a break – at least until I was well rested, and recovered. I didn’t argue with them at the time, but I longed for the distraction. A sudden knock at my door interrupted my internal complaining.

“What?” I snapped.

The door cracked open and Bucky stuck his head in shyly. “Is this not a good time?”

“Oh no… it’s fine. Sorry… I just woke up,” I apologized as I rubbed the remaining sleep from my eyes.

“Good, get dressed and meet me in the living room in thirty,” he added with a smile on his face before disappearing.


Thirty minutes later I walked into the living room to see a fidgeting Bucky sitting in front of the fire place. As soon as he saw me he smiled, and I couldn’t help but smile in return. “Ready?” he asked.

“For what?” I laughed. Seeing the carefree Bucky again lifted my spirits higher than they had been in months.

“You’ll see,” he responded as he grabbed my hand and guided me outside. The grounds outside of the compound were beautiful and quite expansive to add an extra layer of privacy for those that resided. Everything seemed empty today – it was a Saturday so no one was working, and Steve and Tony were away handling what they had vaguely referred to as a mission that I didn’t need to concern myself with.

I walked with Bucky hand-in-hand as he led me to a small area of the garden that was shielded from the view of outsiders by beautiful bushes. I gasped as we entered – he had set up a full picnic for us. As I plopped down on the blanket he had spread for us I couldn’t help but smile.

“There it is,” he whispered as he brushed my lips with his thumb. “I’ve missed that,” he added softly as a warm smile spread across his face. I blushed violently at this – unable to quell the emotions bursting inside of me. He laughed heartily as he turned his attention to preparing our food.

We sat in silence for awhile as we ate – Bucky never taking his eyes off of me. Finally, I turned to him and plucked up the courage to speak. “Bucky… I,” but he held up a hand.

“Me first — Y/N I’m sorry for being so distant. I’ve just been so afraid of hurting you again… but last night… When I woke up and you were there…. It was…. It reminded me of how much I need you…. How much I love you. I know I’ve made a mess of things and I know… I know it will take time for you to trust me again, but I…” He was interrupted by my lips crashing against his. He pulled back from the kiss looking dazed and confused.

“I told you… I’m not going anywhere,” I muttered softly as I stroked the stubble on his jaw. The corners of his mouth twitched as he fought back a smile. He moved so quickly and deliberately that he completely disarmed me and I fell backwards softly onto the blanket. He braced himself over me with his metal hand as his other stroked my cheek affectionately. His hand travelled down my arm and to my hand – playfully circling the ring that he had given me.

“If you thought you weren’t going to find me… why did you wear it?” he asked softly.

“To remind me of you,” I whispered back to him – echoing his own words from when he had presented it to me. He smiled at me sadly as he dropped his face lower to allow his lips to meet mine. As he deepened the kiss I ran my hands through his hair – twisting my fingers in it softly. For a moment we were in perfect harmony – the rest of the world and its problems dissolving around us. He pulled away all too soon with a serious look on his face.

“I know I promised you before that I wouldn’t leave… I know you have no reason to believe me… but I swear Y/N that I will never do it again. I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t wake up next to you,” he whispered sweetly.

“We should go back inside,” I replied softly.

“What? Why?” Bucky asked confused at the sudden change in the conversation.

“Because… we should go inside,” I repeated again as I kissed his jaw gently.

“Oh,” he responded as realization dawned across his face. He nimbly jumped to hit feet and offered me his hand. I winced slightly as he pulled me up – even after all this time my ribs still hurt and most likely would for the foreseeable future. We walked quietly back to my room hand-in-hand— Bucky’s hand fidgeting nervously around my own as we grew closer to my room.

Once we were inside my room I closed the door and locked it carefully before turning around to see Bucky standing hesitantly behind me.

“Are you sure?” he asked as he closed the gap between us.

“Yes,” I answered as my lips met his. He gently guided me to the bed as he helped me out of my shirt – letting out an appreciative sigh as he looked at me. He sat me gently on the bed and set to work removing the rest of my clothes with soft nimble movements before removing his own. As I scooted across the bed I took in the full scope of him – he was still covered in terrible bruises from his time with H.Y.D.R.A. – as I looked down at my own body I realized I was too. 

As he laid beside me his fingers traced my bruises lightly. “I’m so sorry I let this happen to you,” he whispered apologetically before bringing his lips to mine. Everything about our movements was gentle, but urgent – not wanting to hurt the other, but deeply needing the contact we had once had. He braced himself above me as he planted soft kisses down my jaw and neck. He entered me slowly and gently as I gasped. My body was no longer familiar to him after his absence. “Are you okay?” he asked concerned. I nodded as I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him gently. We moved carefully and methodically – letting out soft moans of pleasure, and grunts of pain. It didn’t take either of us long before we reached our climax – our bodies tired and sore from the sudden exertion that they were no longer accustomed to. Bucky pulled me into his arms as I carefully rested my head on his chest – making sure I didn’t touch any of his more sensitive bruises. Before long we both drifted into a peaceful sleep.


The sound of knocking woke us up several hours later. “What?” I groaned exasperated at the door as if it could give me an answer. Bucky grunted in equal annoyance at the sudden intrusion of our privacy.

“It’s Steve – Fury found out more information on your parents,” Steve’s voice drifted from the other side.

And suddenly reality came crashing back around us.


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I Can’t Save Her: Part 26

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Angst, 

Word Count: 1200

Catch Up Here

Summary: You have been with the Avengers for three years and during that time you have developed a close friendship with Bucky. When you discover another woman in Bucky’s room you begin to question what your true feelings for him are.

Author’s Notes: It’s finally time for Bucky and Y/N to face the talk that they have both been dreading.

Tags are at the bottom. Please let me know if you would like to be tagged/removed.

Originally posted by actuallynormal

Originally posted by hurricane-5

I stretched sleepily as the morning rays beamed through the slants of the blinds. I winced slightly at the pain that radiated from my ribs – it seemed like it didn’t matter how I moved… it was likely to hurt. As I opened my eyes I felt a surge of panic – Bucky was gone. Had I imagined everything last night? I had been finding it increasingly difficult to distinguish between reality and dreams lately. I sat up slowly and looked around – trying to find some clue that would help me discern if I had dreamed it all. Bucky’s boots were kicked over by the side of the bed – I sighed with relief. At least I hadn’t imagined it.

My wave of relief was overcome by another worry – Bucky and I were going to have to talk, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. We had had days of recovery – we couldn’t put it off any longer. As I was working my courage up Bucky stepped out of the bathroom. He had on a pair of loose sweats but no shirt. His wet hair from the shower he had just taken was dripping down his back. He moved stiffly – occasionally grimacing. I took in the full extent of his injuries with my mouth agape. To say he had been through literal hell would have been an understatement. His body was black and blue from the severe beatings he had taken but he also had a variety of cuts and odd marks scattered about– several were newly stitched. He turned to put on his shirt and was startled when he saw me staring at him. “I’m sorry If I woke you…” he said apologetically. He hurriedly put on his shirt – obviously uncomfortable about me seeing the marks on his body. Once his shirt was on he loosely tied his hair up and made his way to the bed. He sat on its edge – not looking at me. “Y/N…. we need to talk,” he whispered seriously as he turned and his eyes met mine.

“Yes – we do.”

“I don’t know where to begin really… I fucked it all up doll,” his voice cracked and his eyes sparkled with tears.

“Bucky…” I said as I shifted uncomfortably beside him. “You should have told me… you had no right to keep it from me… If it’s my past I need to know it… regardless of how dark it might be.”

He nervously ran his hands through his hair. “God I know. Y/N I am so sorry. Everything that has happened to you is because of me. I was just… I was so selfish, and I was terrified of losing you so I pushed you away. In my fucked up mind I guess I thought I was saving us both,” he started sounding more frantic with each passing word.

“But you didn’t save me, Bucky. No one can… except for me. You… you promised me. You looked me in the eyes and you promised you would never do this. How can you love someone as much as you say you love me and just walk away?” With each word I could feel all the emotions I had bottled up for months come pouring out. I hastily wiped away the tears that had spilled from my eyes.

Bucky pushed off the bed with a huff and began to pace back and forth in the room. “Don’t you get it?” he asked as he spun on his heel to look at me. “I don’t deserve you. I didn’t before this and I sure as hell don’t deserve you now. I was trying to set you free and I thought the only way to do that was to break your heart. To make you hate me. To do the one thing so despicable that maybe you wouldn’t drag my best friend half way around the world on a suicide mission to save someone that doesn’t want to be saved. And yes it killed me… Every morning I woke up without you I wished I hadn’t woken up at all.” Tears slid down his face as he fell to his knees in front of me. “I asked you not to look for me. I didn’t want to be found. I can’t ever be the man I was before… not after what I have done. Not now that I know the truth… And the worst part is I can’t remember doing it. I don’t remember your mother, your father, or you – but I did it. I was the catalyst for the worst day of your life, and I can’t remember it. I can’t trust my own mind. And I can’t…. I can’t live through hurting you again.”

I slid off the bed and sat in the floor beside him wiping a tear from his eye as I looked at him thoughtfully. “Bucky – you don’t remember them because you weren’t you when you did it. Besides we have no way of knowing if what we were told is the truth.” He sighed shakily as he wiped his face with his hands roughly. He winced when he touched where I assumed Steve had punched him, judging from the deep purple hue of the newest bruise. “I wasn’t lying when I said I had already forgiven you because I did… I did the moment I found out,” I whispered softly as I tucked a strand of loose hair behind his ear.

“What if I can’t forgive myself?” he asked as he looked at me – so helplessly broken.

“It will take time, Buck. Especially for you. You carry all of your guilt so deeply…. Luckily there is a group of people just outside of this room that will help you…. And I will help you too,” he smiled at me softly which made what I was going to say next that much harder.

“I need… I need time. I want you here with me, but you broke my heart Bucky. As much as I want things to go back to how they were… they just can’t. Not now at least,” I added softly. His face fell at this but he nodded in silent understanding. “I still love you – I’m still devoted to you, but I need to know… I need to believe… you won’t do this to me again, because we aren’t done with HYDRA…. I can’t be worried about you disappearing at the drop of a hat when we find out more…”

“I understand. I will do whatever it takes… I promise… I won’t let this happen again,” he whispered sincerely. And I secretly prayed that he was right.

He pushed off of the floor and offered his hand to me. I took it gratefully and he hoisted me up. I watched him gather his things as I sat on the bed. He was making his way for the door when I spoke. “Buck… I would like you to stay… I mean… if that’s okay with you. Last night was the first night since you left that I haven’t had nightmares… and well… I like knowing that you’re here,” I whispered shyly.

He turned and smiled at me sweetly. “Of course, I’ll come back tonight.”


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I Can’t Save Her: Part 30

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Fluff

Catch Up Here

Word Count: 1278

Summary: You have been with the Avengers for three years and during that time you have developed a close friendship with Bucky. When you discover another woman in Bucky’s room you begin to question what your true feelings are for him.

Author’s Notes: Sorry for the wait! I hope you enjoy it <3

Originally posted by lowkibarnes

Originally posted by heartsnmagic

Bucky stared at me uneasily from his seat in the jet. Our remaining time in Vienna had passed too quickly and we were now headed back to New York— back to reality – back to uncertainty. I had assured Bucky I would be fine even though I was terrified. Tony had promised me during one of our private conversations that he had worked out a deal for me to turn myself in – no press, no witnesses.

There had been a huge fight concerning what we were going to do when we got back to New York. I had been adamant that no one from the Avengers accompany me – citing the more distance they put between myself and the organization the better it would be, but Steve and Bucky had outright refused. I finally relented and agreed to have Tony accompany me, because his reputation would take less of a hit than anyone that had stood against the accords. Tony was also much more politically savvy than Steve or Bucky, and we were facing a volatile political game. Then there was my deal with Nick – the thought of which made me swallow hard. I had to do it to keep the one person I loved more than anything safe. There were too many risks – too many unknowns, and I would have been a fool to not assume that I was walking into a trap. I had told Bucky that he was stuck with me until the very end, but how long did I have until the end? The closer we grew towards New York the more I began to doubt, but I would never let on to it – not to him. I tried to reason with myself that I was trying to protect him. The last thing that we needed to happen was to have Bucky fly off the deep end because of some unfounded fear, but a small voice in the back of my mind reminded me that it was because of my own selfishness. If something did happen to me Bucky would be the one left behind… he would be the one to suffer. I sighed wearily at the thought of that much pain being handed to him after the several lifetimes worth of misery he had already endured.

“Y/N,” Bucky’s voice broke me from my internal debate.

I turned to look at him with a sad smile. “Yeah, Buck?”

“I… I just…” he stopped for a moment – his voice cracking with emotion.

“I know,” I whispered as I squeezed his hand.

“Are you sure I can’t go with you?” he asked stubbornly. We had had an explosive argument even after I had agreed to let Tony go with me because Bucky had felt it was his place to be there.

“Yes – it’s going to be fine. Tony will be there with me, he’ll get them to agree to bail, and I will be home before you know it,” I assured him with a tight smile. “Plus I need you to stay as far away from this as possible if it involves H.Y.D.R.A. I don’t want you getting pulled down with me if things go south on our deal.” I caught Tony looking at me from the other side of the jet— we both knew in that moment it wouldn’t be as easy as I promised.

“Fine,” Bucky mumbled under his breath as he sighed.

“It’s going to be okay,” I whispered as I rested my head on his shoulder and drifted into an uneasy sleep.


We arrived to a cold, grey New York City. As rain pattered on the windows of the jet I couldn’t help the sudden waive of dread that came over me. The jostle of the jet landing on the top of Stark Tower brought me out of my reflections. I watched as everyone grabbed their bags and prepared to leave the jet but I suddenly seemed incapable of moving with the others.

“Tony, I’ll meet you downstairs,” I murmured as he and Steve turned to look at me. “I just need a moment.”

Tony looked from Bucky to me before smiling sadly. “Take all the time you need, kid,” he answered before he exited the plane – Steve and Fury following on his heels. As I turned to look at Bucky I paused – noting the tension that was rolling off of his body in waves.

“James,” I whispered softly as I placed my hand on his arm.

“We could leave now – I could fly this jet anywhere in the world and we could disappear,” he said seriously as he turned to me – his eyes piercing my heart with their urgency.

“I made a promise.”

“You made a promise without considering for a moment what it would do to me. Dammit Y/N, I can’t protect you if I’m not with you! What about all the promises we made to each other?”

“At what cost? Forcing our friends to hunt us to the ends of the world? Never having a life? A family? Destroying the Avengers? Bucky – we both know that we can’t let any of those things happen. I won’t put our friends through that… I won’t put you through it. Besides, everything is going to be fine,” I whispered gently as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“Do you really believe that?” he asked bitterly as he shifted his eyes to meet mine. I could feel the thunderous beating of his heart as I rested my head on his chest with a sigh.

“I know that I love you James Buchanan Barnes, and I will do anything to keep you safe,” I whispered before raising my lips to his. “I need you to keep something safe for me – until I get back,” I added after breaking away from our kiss.

“Anything,” Bucky responded as I looked down at the ring he had given me. I carefully slid it from my finger and placed it in his upturned palm.

“I don’t want anything to happen to it while I’m gone,” I smiled at him sadly as I reached up to caress his face. He closed his eyes as my fingers traced down his jaw – a visible shudder ran through his body.

“I’ll keep it safe if you promise me something in return,” he added softly as he fixed his blue eyes on mine.

“Anything.”

The corners of his mouth quirked slightly as he looked down at me. “When this is all said and done, and I give you back this ring – I want you to wear it as my fiancée,” he whispered lowly as he brushed the hair out of my face. “What do you say, doll?” he asked as he looked at me with a small grin.

“Yes,” I whispered happily as tears threatened to spill from my eyes. Bucky beamed at this as he held me tightly to his chest.

“I know I have a lot of making up to do, but I plan on doing that for the rest of my life,” he murmured into my ear as he kissed my cheek sweetly. “I love you, Y/N. I love you more than I even thought was possible. You deserve so much more than me, but I’m not good enough of a man to let you have it,” he added as he kissed the top of my head.

“I love you, James Buchanan Barnes,” I whispered before we broke from our embrace.

During those few moments all the things we were about to face fell away. We were both happy, and hopeful. Of course, that’s the funny thing about hope— you convince yourself of the possible until you eventually face the inevitable.


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