It was the fall we lost the cat, then soon after
lost the house. The fall of four jobs
and cold bus stops. A whole year spent
in the food stamp waiting room.
The year of the dog bite, the bad fever,
the bill collectors. The winter we had no heat
but each other’s body, coincidentally, the winter
of cold bodies. The year of playing house.
Fucking in the kitchen and calling it freedom.
The year we had nothing, but it was our nothing,
and we earned it. The spring you burned your hand
on the stove and left a scar that long outlasted me.
The year you lied about the rent check,
and the good job, and the girl
who always looked at your mouth funny.
The year you said my heart was ugly; swollen with
devotion. That summer I came home from work
and found your keys on the counter, and half
the closet empty, and all the pictures of us still up
on the fridge. The night I called you again,
and again, and again and when you finally picked up
I said I love you when I meant something much more
specific. I should have said Please don’t leave me I’m afraid to sleep alone
I apologize it’s taken me so long to answer this. I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it.
I can’t describe everything about her. When I imagine my dream girl, I imagine what she’d be like, not what she looks like. However, I do hope that she has green eyes…
My dream girl is someone who supports me and my ideas. Not in a financial sense but in the sense that she will push me to do the stuff she knows I want to do and can do. She will call me out on my bullshit and she will challenge me in ways that I haven’t been challenged before. She will understand and accept me for who I am; the good and the bad. She will know my past and pass no judgement about it. She will know my past and the way she looks at me will not change because of that.
My dream girl will understand that I’m a walking contradiction. I’m very affectionate yet I’m not at the same time. Some days, I will smother her with my love while others I won’t so much as hold her hand. But that won’t mean that I don’t love her. It just shows how frustrating I can be when it comes to me showing affection. I’m not very good at expressing myself or my emotions. I’m even worse at talking about them. So patience is necessary. I will open up and talk when I want to. I shut down when pressured to talk and pushing me to do so is only pushing your chances of me opening up to you further away. My dream girl will understand that. She will understand that I need my space and alone time; I thrive in it. I suffocate without it.
My dream girl will understand that my dog comes first. She will know just how much my little brother means to me and why I feel so protective over him. She will know/understand/accept that I get EXTREMELY invested into the shows I watch (though none quite like The 100) and when I yell and scream at the screen in front of us she will laugh to herself, maybe pull me close, and say “tell me all about it,” because she knows I’m just aching to let it all out. I would like her to do that regardless of if she watches the show or not because it shows she’s trying to understand more about it. She won’t be upset when I stand up and start pacing while I talk about it. She won’t be upset when I start pacing in any other circumstance either.. She’ll understand it.
My dream girl is independent. She knows she can live without me and go without talking to me and seeing me, but wants me in her life because I make her happier. She’s a sports fan, or at the least tries to understand it. She’s a big goofball but knows when it’s time to be serious. She’ll be able to make me smile and laugh, even when I don’t want to. She is adventurous but also likes to stay at home. She makes me feel good about myself. Like I am beautiful and confident.
But most of all, my dream girl will love me for me.