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(1) No fight is a true fight unless someone gets knocked out, so that’s the barometer here. All the way in the red means there is a 100 percent chance you wake up the unintentional star of a viral Internet video; and (2) no women were included here because it felt strange to talk about fist-fighting women. (A guess: You’d probably catch Lil Mama for a win, but all the rest are dropping L’s on you.)

 

 

J. Cole

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–100 percent chance J. Cole knocks you out.

Yes. Fight J. Cole. Fight J. Cole and win. Fight him for ruining the Jay Z–Dame Dash reunion moment. Fight him for using the phrase “Cole world.” Fight him for his face being his face.

T.I.

End Fight Probability: There is a 44 percent chance T.I. knocks you out.

He’s a tiny guy, sure (on “Stand Up” he says he weighs 145 pounds, or about one pair of Timbaland boots), but he looks like he’s made of twisted wire. Also, and this is real life: I met him once at a listening party. He has an unsettling gaze. There’s evil in him. He’ll hurt you. And he’s gonna like doing it. Don’t do it. Don’t fight T.I.

Lil Wayne

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–10 percent

On the one hand, Lil Wayne is from Louisiana, which makes him instantly intimidating. But on the other hand, one time he rapped, “Eat her till she cry, call that wine and dine,” so you should be fine. Engage him in fisticuffs. It would be very neat if you said something Lil Wayne–esque when you did so (“I just drummed you to the floor, call that a beatdown,” or something).

Lil Boosie

End Fight Probability: There is a 51 percent chance Lil Boosie knocks you out.

Bro, he just got out of prison, like, 45 minutes ago. Don’t do that. Don’t fight Lil Boosie.

Puff Daddy

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–65 percentchance Puff knocks you out.

You’d likely win this fight if it managed to come off, but I’d sidestep it because let’s say you trip over Puff’s teeny-tiny teeth and fall and hit your head on the concrete and knock yourself out or whatever, he is absolutely going to celebrate by doing that Diddy Bop dance he’s done for the last 60 years. You can’t risk that. There’s no recovering from that. There’s no recovering from being the guy in the WSHH knockout Puff Daddy Diddy Bop dance video.

50 Cent

End Fight Probability: There is an 86 percent chance 50 Cent knocks you out.

He got shot 700 times in the head and didn’t die. What are you gonna do to him in a fight? Don’t do it. Don’t fight Fif.

Rick Ross

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–23 percent

You’re gold here. Ross is a big guy, but in this case that just means he’s slow. Fight him the same way you used to fight King Hippo* from Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! Wait till he opens his mouth to breathe, punch him in it, then sock him in his stomach over and over again until he falls down. Inertia will handle the rest.

*Why didn’t anyone ever talk about the giant bandage on King Hippo’s stomach? Referee Mario shouldn’t have let him fight like that. There’s gotta be some sort of rule against prefight open wounds in the Video Game Boxing Association, right? “Hey, what’s that gaping sore you have on your belly there, Hippo? What? Oh. Oh, you’re just gonna cover it up with your hands? OK, cool. Fight!” Referee Mario was way too cavalier about staph infections.

Wiz Khalifa

End Fight Probability: There is a 12 percent chance Wiz Khalifa knocks you out.

His knockout percentage is low, but that only accounts for his thinness. You have to remember that he’s extra tall so he’s gonna have an infuriating reach advantage. More likely than the knockout is that he peppers you with jabs until both of your eyes are swollen shut. Plus, his neck is 24 inches long, so you’re never gonna be able to hit him in the head. The only chance you’ve got is if Wiz has it in his brain that he’s a dad now. Dad brains are always like, “Man, I can’t [DANGEROUS THING]. I got kids to think about now.” But if he’s not thinking about that, you’re toast. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Wiz Khalifa.

Regular Snoop

End Fight Probability: There is a 71 percent chance Regular Snoop knocks you out.

Basically for all the same reasons listed for Wiz, but also because he’s Snoop. He’s been the most intimidating skeleton on earth for the last 20 years. Remember him in Baby Boy? He was perfect. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Regular Snoop.

Reggae Snoop

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–72 percentchance Reggae Snoop knocks you out.

Because it’s reggae,* man. You’re safe.

*The best thing that happened last week was when the Donald Sterling story started unraveling and Reggae Snoop immediately reverted back to Regular Snoop in his video response. Regular Snoop is the best.

Kanye West

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–7 percent

If it was Digitized Kanye West from the “Black Skinhead” video, then I’d say avoid it (he’d probably club you over the head with the mega-penis he gave himself), but this is real-life Kanye so you’re safe. He’ll be loud and he’ll be blustery but he’ll also be extra-sensitive about everything. “Hey, Kanye, hahaha you can’t get into fashion. Have fun at Adidas.” Boom. He starts crying. You sock him in the kidney. Fight over. Great, next album.

Busta Rhymes

End Fight Probability: There is a 46 percent chance Busta Rhymes knocks you out.

I think Busta is like 1,000 years old but whatever, because he also looks like he can bench-press a Hyundai, so stay away. I just don’t understand why anyone would ever wanna be that big, particularly if you’re an old man. Dr. Dre did the same thing. He started getting old and was like, “What can I do to look young and normal? Oh! I got it! Let me make the muscles in my neck super duper strong.” Weird, weird. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Bussa Buss. Flip Mode. Flip Mode is the greatest.

Pitbull

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–90 percentchance Pitbull will knock you out.

Fight him. Fight Pitbull. Fight Pitbull every chance you get. And whenever you knock him on the ground, you shout, “Pitbull’s going down, I’m yelling ‘timber’” and then be like, “You see? You see how stupid that is?”

The Game

End Fight Probability: There is a 79 percent chance The Game knocks you out.

This is the first paragraph of the “Early Life” section ofThe Game’s Wikipedia page:

“Game was born Jayceon Terrell Taylor on November 29, 1979, in Los Angeles, California. He grew up in Compton, a low-income crime-ridden city in Los Angeles County, in a primarily Crip gang neighborhood known as Santana Blocc, although he grew up to become a member of the Bloods. He was born into a life of gang-wars and hustling. In an October 2006 interview with MTV News correspondent Sway Calloway, Game described his family as “dysfunctional” and claimed that his father molested one of his sisters. When later interviewed, Game stated that at a young age, he recalled seeing both of his parents preparing to do drive-by shootings. His father was a Nutty Block Crip and his mother a Hoover Crippelette. Drugs and guns were all around Taylor when he was a youngster. His father was a heroin addict and both his parents frequently took cocaine. At around the age of 6, Taylor stated that a friend of his was murdered for his clothes and shoes in the neighborhood by a teenager.”

It gets worse as it goes on. Don’t do it. Don’t fight The Game.

Eminem

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–33 percent.

We all saw 8 Mile. He was tough, but he wasn’t a fighter.

Ludacris

End Fight Probability: ???

I don’t know how to rate Ludacris. He’s not intimidating but he’s not unintimidating either. He’s not big but he’s not small. He’s not ultra-serious but he’s also not ultra-goofy. I don’t know. I don’t know. You might win. You might die. I don’t know. Good luck.

Tyga

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–83 percent

Remember “Rack City”? Man, that was a good song.

Common

End Fight Probability: There is a 49 percent chance Common knocks you out.

And a 100 percent chance that he just straight-up kills you. Did you even see Wanted, bro? He can bend the flight of bullets. Don’t do it. Don’t get ghost-assassinated by Common.

Kendrick Lamar

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–12 percentchance Kendrick Lamar knocks you out.

Several months ago I was at a concert. I was milling about backstage (I was there to do some reporting for a story). I was waiting for the main act to come on, talking to strangers (and then making fun on them on Twitter like a good Catholic boy), when this kid, couldn’t have been more than 13, hurried past me. I didn’t pay him any attention until I noticed he was headed straight for the stage. He stopped at the edge, was handed a microphone, then walked out and the whole entire universe exploded. It was Kendrick. I’m not a very tall person (5-foot-7) and he was at least two feet shorter. You’d survive this fight.

Ice-T

End Fight Probability: There is a 73 percent chance Ice-T knocks you out.

Remember that one movie he was in with Rutger Hauer in which Hauer and his friends were hunting him? They had guns and ATVs and racism and they still couldn’t get him. You can’t either. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Ice-T.

Big Sean

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–75 percentchance Big Sean knocks you out.

The odds are in your favor here, but still, don’t ever fight Big Sean. He’s so much fun. I mean, just look at him. He’s so happily silly and playful (and totally aware of his silliness and playfulness). He’s the opposite of J. Cole, the most self-serious rapper of my whole life. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Big Sean. Go back and fight J. Cole again.

Soulja Boy

End Fight Probability: There is a 40 percent chance Soulja Boy knocks you out.

I understand your instinct to fight Soulja Boy. I do. But don’t.

Future

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–29 percent

*This is a completely skewed measurement. Future is somewhere near 60 percent to knock you out. This is a setup. I want you to try to fight Future because I want Future to knock you out because I want Future to cackle “Tuuuuuuurn out the liiiiights” after he does so. That’s a little thing called being poetic. So do it. Fight Future.

DMX

End Fight Probability: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA10000000000000PERCENTHAHAHAHAHA

Call a coroner.

Jay Z

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–50 percent

Because Jay Z rapped “Plus I know Tae Bo” in “Girls, Girls, Girls” and then Nas called him a “Tae Bo hoe” on “Ether.”

Drake

End Fight Probability: There is a 51 percent chance Drake knocks you out.

Drake has spent the last four years getting picked on by the Internet. He has been hardened. He might be the kid who cries when he fights, but that’s nature at work. It’s the same as a lion roaring. When Drake is roaring tears from his eyes, that’s when it’s time to back up.

Wale

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–17 percent

I don’t know.

Did you know that Wale is real-life cousins with Chris Partlow from The Wire? Don’t do it. Don’t fight Chris Partlow’s real-life cousin.

Young Thug

End Fight Probability: There is a 21 percent chance Young Thug knocks you out.

He wore a dress. But don’t fall into that trap. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Young Thug.

Tyler, the Creator

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–55 percent

*Another ruse. His real number is closer to 35 percent. Sorry. I just really want to see what sort of things he does to you after he mollywhops you upside the head.

Action Bronson

End Fight Probability: There is a 79 percent chance Action Bronson knocks you out.

He shares the same physical attributes as Rick Ross (who earned a -23 percent chance of knocking you out), but there’s one super-ultra-off-the-backboard mega-difference you have to account for: Bronson’s father is Albanian, which means Bronson is half-Albanian, which means FUCK THAT. The only person capable of defeating Albanians is Liam Neeson, and you’re no Liam Neeson,* my friend. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Action Bronson. Don’t get sold into an Albanian human trafficking ring.

2

[INTERVIEW] 140929 Inside the Music: Niddy on Valentine, JYJ, and Kpop’s viability (Part 2)

What were some of the challenges you had in working with JYJ and their label on this project?

ND: “Some of the challenges, when working with the groups, were really getting the label to understand the process when working with major US artists and producers. You take a group who are superstars in Asia, and have earned a massive amount of respect overseas, and then bring them here to work with US artists who are superstars in their own right, sometimes there can be economical differences and misunderstandings of artistic arrangement. So, that was a very difficult part of the process, getting a meeting of the minds so-to-speak.”

What were your experiences like, meeting and spending time, with the three members of JYJ? Are there any unique differences between the members, that you had a chance to notice, that you would like to share?

ND: “The first time we had a chance to hang out and get know each other was when they were on tour in 2012. When we started to work together on all the previous projects, along with Valentine, it was more of an intimate setting. They were a lot more comfortable around me so I got to know each member individually.”

ND: “The first person that really opened up around me was definitely Yoochun. Producer J-TRX and I actually gave Yoochun a new nickname after getting to know him better. We dubbed him “hip-hop” because he’s just got this swag. Maybe it was because he spent a lengthy amount of time in the US in his younger years, or maybe because he felt more at home with us, I don’t know. But he was always comfortable around us and always cracking jokes.”

ND: “In the studio, one of greatest times I had with JYJ was when Junsu and Jaejoong were sitting on the couch (Yoochun was standing off to the side) and we were going over lyrics. I started singing the lyrics, really getting into it, and Junsu gets up and starts moving and singing along. Junsu just goes crazy and you see Jaejoong just sitting there all cool, calm and collected like it was completely normal.”

ND: “One of the funnest experiences I shared with Jaejoong was right before we headed out to Supper Club Hollywood. In the photo, from that night that’s been floating around (pictured above), you see Jaejoong sitting in the driver’s seat of a convertible Rolls Royce, me in the passenger seat, and Junsu and Francis Kim sitting in the back, but we were really just sitting there posing. The truth is that Jaejoong didn’t want to drive because he didn’t know where he was going at the time. Junsu’s just chilling in the back, laughing away because of something Jaejoong said in Korean. I didn’t know what he said but I sure got how adamant he was about not driving. So the management comes to me and says “Hey NIDDY, Why don’t you drive?”. I’m like “I really don’t want to do it.” because I didn’t want to be responsible for the car or be responsible for JYJ getting into an accident or something while they were in the US. And they respond with “But you’re family. You worked hard so you should get to enjoy the benefits too.” So I get in the driver’s seat and while I am driving, we’re all laughing at the fact that neither Jaejoong or I could figure out how to work the car’s high-tech stereo system. Jaejoong’s looking at it, I am looking at it, he’s fiddling with it, I’m fiddling with it, and we just had absolutely no clue how to get it to work. It was hilarious.”

After spending so much time with JYJ on a one-on-one personal basis, how would you best describe their uninhibited personalities? What are they like behind the scenes, away from the cameras?

ND: “The first thought that comes to mind is that they are TRUE brothers. When they are really comfortable around you, you really get to see how they are real brothers to one another. They play around and tease each other all the time while having not only a deep love for one another but also an even deeper respect.”

ND: “If I were to describe Yoochun’s personality, I would say that he’s the risk taker, the bad boy, who’s fun, versatile, and confident. Junsu, is just downright silly, chipper, and playful. Maybe it’s because he’s the youngest of the group, or maybe it’s because he is just that way by nature, I don’t know but he really gives off an air of being very extra-special. Jaejoong, however, is really unlike the other two. He is more the reserved, chill, contemplative, and driven big brother. You can just tell that he cares about his brothers and really wants to do what’s best for them, to look out for them like the big brother he is.”

Do you believe Valentine can be a top Billboard charting record in USA?

ND: “Absolutely. I do believe that Valentine can top the Billboard charts. If the fans want to see JYJ reach other territories in the global music industry and want to see JYJ become this huge mega group beyond Korea and Asia, then it’s up to the fans to take this track to the next level. Because, this is the record that can actually cross over into the global mainstream market and make radio worldwide. And KILL. All the fans have to do is show their power. This track can give the fans the voice they’ve always wanted, the voice to be able to bring Valentine, and tracks like it, to mainstream radio.”

What are your thoughts about K-pop collaborations with American award winning talent in the future?

ND: “I think it’s coming in a big way. It just comes back to the point of having someone understanding the value of it all and push the agenda. That’s what I want to do. I want to prove that K-pop collaborations are the next step in the music industry’s evolution. Collaborative tracks and co-performances on stage, between K-pop artists and US artists, are the future. If the fans challenge both industries to do more, you will see many MANY more collaborations like Valentine in the future, for sure.”

We know that you were the driving force behind the hit records Uncommitted and Incredible for JYJ’s own Kim Junsu. How does it feel to have now released a track with the entire group?

ND: “It feels absolutely amazing because its been so many years that C-JeS has been talking about this group coming back together. The fans were getting just completely impatient. Nobody even knew if these guys were going to have a comeback or not because their careers were just going in so many directions for the longest time. From acting and musicals, to solo projects, modelling, and sports, you just didn’t know if JYJ was ever going to come back. I never knew if this record would ever make an album because they were so busy with everything else. I was extremely excited and just overjoyed that the album finally came out. Its a complete blessing.”

Are there any other records you worked or are working on with JYJ?

ND: “We do have some phenomenal tracks that are still in the cans, waiting to be released, and I can’t wait till the world can experience them.”

Were you able to introduce JYJ to any other major American talent?

ND: “Yes. I introduced them to YMCMB, Timbaland, Swizz Beatz, Nicki Minaj, Drake, Tank, Dr. Dre., P. Diddy, Duane Darock, Will.I.AM, Nelly, NO I.D, Bryan Michael Cox, JUKEBOX, Jimmy Ivine, Twista, and FLO RIDA.”

What’s next for NIDDY?

ND: “I’m in the process of rolling out additional projects with other K-pop artists, that I can’t divulge any detail about at this time. In the spring/summer of 2015 I will be launching a new urban/K-pop inspired female clothing line, called “HELLO NIDDY“, that I have been working on for two years with my lead designer Monica Zaharia that I met because of K-pop. More information about that particular project will be released early next year.”

Is anyone you would like to thank?

ND: “First of all, I would like to thank hellokpop for always being so supportive. I also want to thank C-JeS for giving me the opportunity to work with the fellas. I obviously want to thank JYJ. Its been an absolute pleasure working with them and I’m looking forward to many more opportunities with them in the years to come. I want to thank the entire team that worked on this project: Lonny Bereal, Charlie Bereal, Chris Brown, Charmelle Colfield, Beau Vallis, Jaycen Joshua, and DJ Mark Da Spot; Ray Yeom, Francis Kim, Jerrold Thompson, and most definitely the fans because they are the reason why I do what I do. So thank you fans for always being supportive of JYJ and for continually supporting what I’m doing.”

Last but not least, what do want the world to know about you and your affiliation with the success of K-pop in the USA?

ND: “I want the world to know that I’m passionate about the collaborative possibilities with K-pop and American artists, and its the future. I am one of those people out there, if the given the opportunity, I can make it happen for these major K-pop labels and bring more awareness to the US market. So we can really take this thing to the next level.”

Source: Billboard Entertainment Group LLC
Additional Sources: CJeS Entertainment, YouTube
Interviewer/PR: nicole@hellokpop.com

Credit: hellokpop