dragons-dogma

Hey you, buy Dragon’s Dogma on Steam

What the fuck are you doing reading this? Don’t fucking read this, go buy fucking Dragon’s Dogma: Dark Arisen on Steam. It’s 30 bucks right now. Do it.

What? You wanna know why you should buy it?

Fine.

Dragon’s Dogma is one of the best, most exciting games of the last generation. It took an interesting Dark Fantasy setting and let you go apeshit wild in it. Have you ever played another fantasy game where you whacked a giant dragon’s ankles with your sword until he fell over? Did you wonder why you could only wail on his knees instead of jumping on his back and stabbing his eyes out? Well Dragon’s Dogma had the same thought and said, “You know what? Fuck it, why wouldn’t you just climb that fucker?” And you CAN.

You can climb up a cyclops’ back and stab his eye out. You can ride a griffin into the air, cut its wings off mid-flight and crash-land that fucker into the dirt. You can cut off a hydra’s head, watch it grow back, and then cut it off again with FIRE and stop it from happening again. YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS AND ALLIES AND THROW THEM INTO THE SEA FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN SHITS AND GIGGLES!

I hear you say, “How’s the story though? I look for story in my Action-RPGs!” Well hold on to your butts, because this game got hella story. It’s got the most metal fucking opening to any game I’ve seen in decades. It’s a tale of love, loss, revenge, and fucking COJONES. You get your heart ripped out by a dragon and fucking SURVIVE. All he’s got to say to you? “Come at me bro, if you want your fucking strawberry tart back.”

“But what about the art? I can’t enjoy a game unless it’s pretty!” Well first of all, that’s very close-minded, but YES THIS GAME IS PURTY AS FUCK. This game’s art and setting is like that of the air-brushed panel van your weird uncle still owns in 2016. Your favorite metal album cover comes to life every time you turn this shit on!

“Okay, it’s got a cool setting and story. Can I make my own character? I’ve always wanted to make myse-” I’M GLAD YOU ASKED! The character creator in this game is supes deep! You want to play an 8-foot-tall amazon with a mohawk and ocular heterochromia? YOU CAN! You want to play a 12-year-old boy with no hair who’s also RIPPED AS FUCK? YOU CAN! You want to play a withered old woman who single-handedly destroys her enemies with a zweihander? YOU CAN! THE SHEER RANGE OF BODY TYPES AND PHYSICAL FEATURES IS THE NUMBER 1 CAUSE OF LOSING HOURS IN THIS CHARACTER CREATOR.

“Okay, so you’re already headed towards clas-” SHUT THE FUCK UP IT’S CLASS TIME NOW! You want warriors? Done. Rogue? Done. Wizard? Done.

“But those are typica-” THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY? You can go those routes but hodamn you can cross class motherfucker! Wanna be a sword-and-board assassin? Done. A Magick Archer (magick with a K because IT’S FUCKING METAL)? Done. A Wizard-paladin with maces and tower-shields? Done! The classes are so unique and fun to play there’s not a one that’s dull if you ask me.

“But what about romance!”

I’m glad you asked, straw-man reader. Have you ever found an NPC in an RPG that stole your heart? Not like the dragon does, but like, uh… metaph- fuck it, you know what I mean. Yes? Well this game let’s you make nice with and romance any named NPC. ANY NAMED NPC. The merchant? Banged. The captain of the foreign legion looking to prove herself? Woo’d. The fucking masked sailor moon villain? Fucked. The little girl you meet? Fuckin’ slow down there Jared Fogle… how did you even get internet access in prison? Anyways, it don’t matter your gender neither, fuck who you want to fuck, friend.

If you’re still not convinced, if you read all this and think I’m just all hype and no substance, then you can go fuck yourse- I mean, you can see for yourself.

I’m currently playing this game on the youtubes. Watch me play it. Watch me enjoy myself. Listen to me gush about how much I love this game, because I truly, truly do. If you like what you see, and you’ve got the means, please buy it. This game was criminally overlooked when it came out and it deserves so much better than it got. If enough people buy it, maybe we’ll get another one, eh? One that’s not Japan only.

Watch me play it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4OyvxEzC9A

extensive list of things to do in dragon’s dogma

throw spiders at your party

throw snakes at your party

wear fun and cool party hats

set a griffon on fire and ride it while it thrashes around in the air

ride this ox

engage in an epic battle against the archydra

make your pawn in the image of your anime waifu

fight the world destroying dragon foretold in ancient prophecies

hold small animals

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twitter draws: Dragon’s Dogma Edition (in no particular order)

im just about done with this game. ive beat daimon twice and am just hunting for level 3 armor now haha. great game. shit story but wonderful ending and gameplay. and my pawn is the most adorable thing. <3 <3 <3 i wish there was a choice to make him a life partner or something.

PS3 and PC ver DD. username: aldanaski