dragon age: awakening

Here are all the Dragon Age companions in a nutshell: 

Origins:

Alistair: Your senior officer who is so scared of taking charge that he pretends you’re the senior officer. You can make him king. 

Morrigan: Antisocial witch who totally turns into a spider just to fuck with Alistair. Will probably hold her nose and boink him later. 

Leliana: Ex-nun that murders people and tells you bedtime stories.

Sten: Murders a whole family. One of your more reliable companions.  

Shale: A fashion-conscious, bird-hating rock. 

Wynne: Magical possessed Grandma. <3

Zevran: Failed to kill you. Tries to seduce you instead. 

Oghren: Drinks so much that you forget he has other personality traits. You probably made him kill his wife. 

Dog: Who’s a good boy?! You are! Yes, you are!

Loghain: Doesn’t know why he’s here and frankly kind of wishing you just killed him.

Awakening:

Anders: All he wanted was to leave the giant tower he was trapped in and not be murdered. Jury’s out on how well that worked out. 

Oghren: Still drunk. He left his new wife so he could kill more things with you. 

Nathaniel: He’s forced into the club because ‘some of your best friends have tried to kill you,’ and frankly he’s concerned. 

Velanna: Fuck all you shem. She’s only here because she’s looking for her sister. Also her ears aren’t that big. 

Justice: He doesn’t know what he’s doing but you seem like a good sort so he’ll follow you like a confused and rotting spirit puppy. 

Sigrun: For a dead woman, she is the peppiest of the bunch. Will set Justice’s corpse spasms to music. 

Dragon Age 2:

Carver: Fuck you. Oh wait… maybe less fuck you. Or maybe he’s the fucker all along. 

Bethany: She loves you. Oh wait… no, she still loves you, even if you’re a prick. 

Aveline: Please follow the law. Please stop dragging her into your illegal messes. She just wants to be a good guard captain. 

Varric: He is writing all this shit down to tell embarrassing stories later. 

Anders: VIVE LA RÉSISTANCE! Also, Fenris can go fuck himself. 

Fenris: Murder ALL the mages. Also, Anders can go fuck himself. 

Merrill: The naive fish out of water from every romantic comedy, except she makes blood pacts with demons.

Isabela: FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT runs away with life-saving relic FLIRT SOME MORE. 

Sebastian: A priest who accidentally joined a gang. 

Inquisition: 

Cassandra: Best tank. Could probably have a faith spirit in her head and you couldn’t tell the difference. 

Blackwall: Liar liar beard on fire.

Solas: Liar liar egg on fire. Plus racism.

Iron Bull: Is literally called ‘liar’ and doesn’t lie to you for the whole main game.

Varric: He has finally reached a point where even if he tells this story honestly, no one will ever believe him. 

Vivienne: She will make you classy or so help her–

Dorian: Someone stop his country from embarrassing itself again please.

Sera: Down with the bourgeoisie, except not so far down that we can’t steal from them. 

Cole: Is even worse that this than Justice. You love your weirdo spirit puppy anyway.

Leliana: Someone said something mean? Cut out their tongue.

Josephine: Please just talk to people. Her life would be so much easier if you did.

Cullen: Can’t escape this franchise no matter how far he runs.

Recommended party combinations for Dragon Age: Awakening

Nathaniel/Anders/Justice - Spoiler Alert 

Oghren/Nathaniel/Justice - The Father, the Son and the Unholy Spirit

Sigrun/Velanna - The #TreesSmellGood #SigrunStopSmellingTheTrees party 

Anders/Oghren/Nathaniel - The “wanna see what’s under these robes? [Nathaniel Greatly Disapproves]” party

Sigrun/Nathaniel/Anders - Bros Before Woes

Justice/Velanna/Anders - The “let me tell you about justice” party

Velanna/Sigrun/Oghren - “That one time Velanna actually believed Oghren so Sigrun won’t let her live it down” party

Velanna/Nathaniel/Anders - Stressed, Well Dressed and Oppressed

Oghren/Justice - The “in case you wondered why Justice never lets Anders get drunk in DA2″ party

Justice/Sigrun - The literal Legion of the Dead party

Anders/Ser Pounce-a-lot - The Vicious Attack Kitten Enforcement Squad party

Warden: and these are my new recruits, a psychotic murdering Dalish who tried to make a tree eat me, this bloke who killed several of our troops while trying to rob the keep, a drunken dwarf outcast, an apostate who probably didn’t murder any Templars, this other dwarf who gets really excited when you suggest she’ll likely be eviscerated by darkspawn, aaaaand a possessed corpse.

Other Wardens: um.  ser

Warden: what

Other Wardens: maybe, uh… are you sure this…

Warden: I KILLED THE ARCHDEMON I DO WHAT I WANT