I use to dream lots of things. Sometimes they were as bright as the stars in the sky and sometimes they were as dark as your grave.
Now it’s just quiet.
Dark and quiet.
I’m sure if I spoke it would echo. But words don’t come from my lips anymore and the thoughts in my head are so alive that their hands are often found at my throat and tied to my ankles.
If I do dream I don’t remember it. It’s probably too painful to remember cuz every time I am awake I feel those thoughts, those anchors at my ankles as they drag me further under the vast ocean. My thoughts and fears drowning me as I reach for the surface.
I don’t dream anymore because it’s probably the only way to keep me sane anymore.
today when we were waiting in the hall for our tests to be graded
there were other people in the hall from our class
we were talking about how humanity needs a natural predator
and I openly admitted that I’d be all for a kelpie to drag me under and rip me apart because I wanted to die and everybody got quiet
Free me from Mars
The warrior spirit that wishes
To destroy all I touch
That burns in me eternal
Leaves debris and carnage
In its wake
When I have escaped
Pluto lies in waiting
The lord of darkness
That drags me beneath
Under love and passion
Lies the fear
The vindictive streak
That stains my teeth
Paints its dirt over my words
So now I lie
In uncomfortable silence
My voice singes
Holes in my intentions
Intent is meaningless
When the flame still burns
Speech that sets alight
All that was and will be
Now I lie in wait
That something may come
Sweep away the dead leaves
Spring me back to life
In the season of birth
BPD AWARENESS MONTH, I was diagnosed in December, co morbid with Schizo Affective, Major depressive and Generalised Anxiety.
This illness has tore me apart, my family, my niece and nephew live each day seeing the deep scars on my arms, they hear me crying at the moon every night, they have had to visit me in hospital whilst I lay in my own piss and blood. See me dragged away under the mental health act, sectioned, destroyed. The man I love, my FP, had to leave. If there were any resources this would not have happened. If people were told how to help and love us; this would not have happened.
All the hospital related photos are from suicide attempts, I’ve tried three, now four times since the start of December. The first was in a fit of jealousy, stress and I was in a delusion, I thought the man I was with was trying to make me kill myself. The next time was because he threatened to leave. The third time was because he did leave, and the fourth was because my illness had driven me so far, I was in a long psychotic episode that pushed him away totally, isolated myself. We are the undesirables, I cannot count how many times I’ve been called a psycho manipulative bitch, I even begged them to not tell me those words but “it’s what you are” was thrown back, after my borderline had pushed them to the borderline of love and hate, and finally not caring about my mortality. “Things would have been better if you’d died in January” was said to me, and that’s perfect reason in my head to do the ultimate thing.
Living with this illness is so hard, I didn’t even know how hard everything I had been through actually was. I’d displayed symptoms of psychosis since a child and delusions, anxiety and our well known ‘tempter tantrums’, the fact I am a drama queen went against me in so many ways, my inability to let go of the past and my black and white thoughts, I had to recover from rape three times with this illness telling me it’s all my fault, I had to overcome EDNOS then bulimia, only to find out I was borderline and ‘unsalvagable’. I have had to recover from the after effects of 6 overdoses, one attempt at bleeding out in a bath, and once throwing myself into the street hoping a car would hit me. It did, but not enough to cause any real damage.
The resources for the illness are so low. I am still not receiving real help, I am addicted to sleeping tablets and will probably be on antipsychotics for the rest of my life now; all because the fucked up health system and all its personnel thinking we are 'a bit hard work’
“How could you do that to me?” Loki said pacing around the room. “You said I could approve whatever I want.” “Yes, but a birthday party really? I am not going to do that!” “You already agreed.” “No I did not, you did!” He yelled. “Yeah but in your name soooo…” Damn it Y/N. I’m the untrustworthy one in this relationship!“ "Seems like you misjudged me a little. I bet that doesn’t happen too often.” You laughed, “Besides I’m pretty sure my brother doesn’t actually want you anyway near our cousin so you get to annoy him and I have a chance to visit earth.” “You don’t like it here?” Loki asked you. “I do, that’s not how I meant it. It’s just not my home. Or at least not yet.” You answered. “I understand, trust me.”
You dragged Loki, under protest all the way, to the bifrost where Heimdall opened it for you. Tony had come to pick you up. You were sitting in the car between your brother and Loki neither of them very happy. They were both looking out the window trying their best to ignore the other. “Ok guys that’s ridiculous, you can’t act like this all the time.” You told them. “I very well can. I am a king.” Loki answered with a childish defiance. “I think you’ll like my cousin very much since you’re evidently on the same level. She likes to play princess, too.” Tony laughed at your remark, while Loki sent him a glare. “Oh and you dear brother, I so hope you didn’t buy her something ludicrous like a spaceship again. Cause I am the one who has to apologize to our aunt.” You said to your brother. This time Loki looked amused and Tony the one who was sulking.
“We’re here so get out Loki.” You said to him when he wouldn’t leave the car on his own. “Do I have to?” He sighed. “Yes. Yes you do.” “You owe me for that. Don’t think you’ll get away with this.” “Fine, fine just move, come on.” You pushed him out of the door.
The house was full with children running around and adults trying to find a quiet place for themselves. Your aunt came to greet you when you entered. “My dear niece. How have you been. I missed you.” She said to you lovingly. Your aunt had always liked you, “And Tony.” Not so much your brother. She loved him, like she did both of you but he had always caused her a lot of nerves when you were children. “This must be your handsome husband. You really should have invited us but I guess it can’t be helped since the wedding was in England.” Your aunt went on. You leaned to the side and whispered to Tony. “What exactly did you tell her I was doing?” “I said you married a rich, royal british guy.” “You’re kidding right?” “No I’m not. I couldn’t tell her you were teleported to asgard to marry the god of mischief who tried to enslave humanity, could I sis?” “Well, when you say it like this…”
Your cousin came running towards you when she saw you. You hugged her and lifted her up. “Happy birthday, Gwen.” “Thank you!” She responded happily. She went over to Tony and greeted him. The two were whispering to each other, your aunt looked worried already. Last time, Tony had taken her to the museu, just not actually in the museum. They had been wandering around on the roof and someone had filmed it, which your aunt later saw and freaked. She came back to you and looked at Loki. “Is this your magician boyfriend?” She asked. You couldn’t help but laugh. “Yep that’s him.” You answered. Loki looked so freaking pissed at everything that was going on, it was hilarious to you. “Can you summon a unicorn? She asked him. He looked so done but answered anyway. "Do you want one?” “Yes.” “That’s too bad. Guess we can’t always get what we want.” “Loki!” You nudged him into his side and sent him an agry look. He sighed dramatically. “I’ll look what I can do, tiny human.”
Somehow Loki hadn’t been able to say no to your aunt, so now he was standing in front of roughly 12 kids putting on a magic show for them. There were fireworks and glitter flying around everywhere. An actual unicorn was running through the garden too. Not just the kids were impressed, everyone else as well. No wonder. It was real magic after all. The children loved him and after he was finished they were all gathering around him, talking and laughing. “Get away from me you little gremlins.” He looked around lost, “Y/N, do something!” “Why didn’t you want an army?” You said smirking. “That’s not funny what am I supposed to do with these creatures.” “I’m sure you’ll think of something.” You said and waved before walking back to the house, leaving him surronded by children. When you came back a few minutes later, drink in hand, they were all sitting together in a circle. Loki was telling them a story and for the first time today everyone was quite. Your worries were for naught, he could handle himself quite well by the looks of it.
It was getting late, most people were already gone so you decided to leave as well. Your cousin came to say goodbye. She hugged Loki. He looked really surprised and a bit… embarrassed?
“That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” You asked Loki when you were walking back to the palace. “Don’t ever make me do something like that again and I’m not forgetting this I will pay you back.” “Oh come on don’t be salty you had fun too.” “I had not.” You ran ahead and screamed back at him. “You totally did, princess.”
And oh friend, you and I were young and we had dreams. But we grew up and learned that dreams are intangible things… you can spend your life chasing them, but they will always escape your reach. Sorrow will come in their place and your head will fall below the surface of the water - silence will envelop you, breath will evade you; no one will hear your screams as you sink. Hope for you is lost, my friend, all hope for you is lost. And I wish I could’ve been your anchor but all that would have done is dragged me, too, under. And this whole thing was hopeless from the start, we were just naive and we wanted to believe that we wouldn’t sink!
and swallowing water, dear, well it’s not the equivalent of dying, but it sure as hell feels like it.
“I don’t know. I can just feel it seeping in. Like water filling my lungs. And I’m trying to swim my way to the top but I just can’t. The waves are dragging me under to a place that’s scary and I hate it. It’s like I wanna reach for people’s hands but I don’t know how they can help.”
One kiss and I come undone.
Your teeth tugging against my lower lip
Your tongue dancing frenzied circles with mine
You control my every breath
As your hands journey the length of me
Tease the depths of me
Ease the ache of me that builds with each caress.
Strong as a whip
Quietly takes ownership of mine
Allowing gasps of glory
Swimming with aching need
To break from behind my lips
A crashing of pleasure in my pleas.
I move for you
I cry out for you
I light myself on fire and burn for you.
Your touch brands my very skin
With white hot flashes of desire
So soft in the taking
I hardly know what to do with the tenderness you bring,
It is unlike any I have ever known.
But I know that I will hold my breath for you
Each time you drag me under the tide of passion
Just as surely as I know
That my body is no longer my own.
We were different from the rest and everyone saw the way I gazed at the sunsets in his eyes. I never knew I could feel so much love by the touch of his fingers on my lips, but I did, and it felt like every butterfly in the universe was dancing in my stomach. It felt like we were on an endless trip around each other’s world and I couldn’t help but want to see every part of him and I didn’t realize he only explored my world to find where I was the weakest. He told me he loved me as he dragged me under the surface telling me about the way her waist curved in and the color of her eyes when the lights went out. But the part that hurts the most is the fact that I loved him too much to pull him down with me. I let myself drown in the pain he handed me, yet I still see the way he threw his head back when he laughed and the way he kissed my forehead when he told me I was his.