Here’s what I think you should do, Dr. Bartlet. I am speaking to you as White House Counsel to First Lady. I want you to make a national address encouraging women not to go hiking, or at least not ask me to go with them.
has anyone done this? Fuck it I’m doing this. (Goddamn this show had a lot of characters.)
CJ Cregg: CJ is 7 feet tall and armed with the wrath of a thousand shattered glass ceilings. Do not fight CJ Cregg.
Charlie Young: Charlie would beat your ass, but he’d shake your hand afterwards, so sure, fight Charlie.
President Bartlet: Guy has guards so you’d have to pick your moment carefully, but having done so, you’d probably win. He’s smart but he’s not quick. On the other hand, punching Bartlet in the face may be your only opportunity to escape a lecture on national parks or turkey basting, in which case, getting trounced by the secret service is probably worth it. God speed.
Mrs Landingham: Mrs Landingham is tiny and old but I bet you she knows a few moves. She’s tricky. She might be a black belt in Judo or something. Fight her if you want but it’s about 50/50 and if you lose you’ll never live it down.
Sam Seaborn: Do you really want to punch that face? That handsome handsome face? ….Yeah OK fair enough.
Josh Lyman: Now I can understand you wanting to fight Josh. He just gives you so many reasons. And despite those chiseled arms he cannot through a punch so you will win. Just don’t let him give you the sad puppy eyes or the dimples, they’re secret weapons.
Donna Moss: It’s not that you wouldn’t win. Donna would put up a bit of a fight, but she’s not really that sort of gal. But do you really want to win? Having to live your life knowing you made that peach sad? Having to wonder every day when Josh is going to get some sort of twisted revenge on her behalf? No. Do not fight Donna Moss.
Toby Ziegler: You would kick Toby’s ass, and he probably deserves it. Do it. Wait, wait, no, misquote one of his speeches at him until he loses his shit, then fight him.
Debbie: This lady is dangerous. Fight her but you’re going to lose. I bet she keeps a switchblade or something.
Will Bailey: Fight Will Bailey. He will scream and curl up into a ball.
Kate Harper: Are you insane?
Dr Bartlet: Do not fight Dr Bartlet. She went to medical school, she probably knows just where to punch to kill you instantly, and she would do it.
Leo McGarry: He was a soldier, but the man had a heart attack and is probably made of noodles, so sure, you could win. You could win. And he probably wouldn’t hold it against you. He’s mostly an amiable guy. But look. If you fight this man, and you win, you will never sleep easily again. You will be looking over your shoulder every day for the rest of your life. A lot of important people would make it their life’s mission to destroy you in every way. All the other people in this list, people you could easily beat on their own, would, as if by magic, turn into hardcore motherfuckers if you so much as touched Leo McGarry. Fighting Leo McGarry is not OK. Do NOT FIGHT LEO MCGARRY.
poe dameron is obviously cj: lights up a room but can bring the thunder. charming and flirty and warm. and awkward. we all know oscar isaac lives for the awkward and erotic
finn as josh: he plans, he flails, he has an adolescent charm about him, he’s loyal to a fault and he can’t lie to save his life. is extremely worried about losing people, has ptsd
rey as toby: believes she must do the right thing come hell or high water, extremely stubborn, likes things done a certain way (her way). cares too damn much
leia as bartlet: the sassiest. political powerhouse, commander in chief, slightly kooky. way too combative to be a diplomat, still does it somehow. enjoys messing with her staff, is extremely scary when angry
luke as leo: also the sassiest. snappy dresser, veteran, bartlet’s chiller half, mom friend, has the habit of looking at people like he knows what they masturbate to. struggles with a darker side
han as dr. bartlet: will the sass ever stop? bartlet’s somehow even less chill half, loves his wife but finds it difficult to accept his new life in her shadow, encourages the staff to make questionable life choices, does illegal stuff but isn’t exactly sorry about it