downsite

bpd isn’t just simple ups and downs
it’s not just depression or anxiety
it’s having total breakdowns for the most ridiculous reasons
feeling like your life is over for practically no reason
and crying over the smallest things
it’s having one of the highest suicide rates 
it’s complete self invalidation, neurosis bordering psychosis
feeling like you’re being torn in all kinds of directions
it’s your own mind making you believe no one cares
even when people keep telling you they do
it’s the illusion that you’re worthless and you don’t fit in
that perhaps you’ll never fit in no matter what
it’s so much more than what people think it is
it’s the fear of abandonment we struggle with
whenever we think we’re being ignored
it is horrible and makes you feel like you’re drowning
like you have fallen into a body of water and you can’t reach the surface
no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t matter
like you’re trapped in a tiny room without any opening
it makes you want to die, but also you don’t want to die
it’s everything but fun, it’s not something hip
people shouldn’t use it as a label to be special
it’s nothing but bad and those dealing with it have to be incredibly strong
simply to make it through the day, every single night
dealing with the same thing again and again
time and time again it’s the same old battle and it never changes
by saying you have bpd when you do not have it, just to stick out
you’re making the stigma so much worse, you’re making it worse for those
who actually struggle with this disorder every single day

as someone who deals with bpd myself
I am incredibly proud of those of us that don’t give up
it’s beyond difficult and I know
we all know a bpd life is very difficult
and at times seems worthless but it’s not
even a bpd life is worth living for
we too deserve happiness, and I believe we will find it
if only we don’t back down
you might think you’re worthless but you’re not
you’re a brave person, a beautiful soul

now i’m sitting outside with a girl i spend too much time thinking about
and she’s staring at the ground with a sadness i know all too well
i tell her, “cherish what genuine relationships you do have while you have them”
she won’t look me in the eyes as she says
“take your own advice, you’re a goddamn hypocrite”
she was bottled up, now she’s breaking down
sitting on a park bench, trying not to be so loud

just in case you’re having a bad day here is a little reminder list of cute little quintis moments that we hardly talk about:

  • toby telling patrick that he loves happy without a moments hesitation
  • toby offering to give happy a leg up in rogue element
  • happy knowing toby’s favourite soup
  • ‘if todays my expiration date, this is all i wanna talk about’
  • the way he gently grabbed her arm to tell her he loved her in yhsf
  • ‘you’re paying attention to this heroism, correct?’
  • ‘THAT’S MY MONEY!’
  • toby going straight over to happy when she gets angry in revenge and she calms down
  • sitting right next to each other on the couch in cliffhanger despite her being angry at him and there is a seat spare next to her 
  • toby giving the heat pack to happy first in white out
  • happy kicking the door open when she hears him shouting in 2x24
  • happy mentioning that he brushed a leaf out of her hair in obtd and then there being a leaf in her hair again when he threatens the doctor and she’s attracted to him
  • SHE’S ONLY WORN PERFUME ONCE IN HER LIFE
  • hamster hands
  • COWBOY