(visits sixpences pseudopsychiatric office)

sixpence: please sit down
me: (sits down on the fancy sofa thingie)
six pences: did you know the sofa could be a figment of your imagination?
me: what
sex pens: you have no proof that anything isnt a figment of your imagination and that the rest of the body picking up signals from the environment isnt just playing along
me: what
sean paul: (scary finger wiggling) oooooooo

me: i’m not gonna get mad about people not watching the get down

me: *sees everyone nutting over stranger things, riverdale, 13 reasons why, some other random ass show i have zero interest in watching*


My Two Moods

Me: He’s such a good boy
Me: Please please 🅱lease Joji
Me: *starts crying*
Me: I’m so happy for him ,, ,
Me: Wow he’s just so good
Me: He’s just out here doing his thing and that’s so great
Me: *continues crying*

Me: Wow what a fucking bitch
Me: I’m gonna kick his ass
Me: Who gave him the right
Me: He has to be stopped
I’m gonna fight him
Me: Bout to throw down
Me: Boy gonna catch these mothafuckin hands

in which I reply to asks

I have received so many lovely/generous/capslocked asks and messages about the CP bachelor AU, mostly from anons, and rather than filling up everyone’s dash with individual replies I thought I’d do some…paraphrasing.

YES. YES SHE IS. WELL DONE TO ALL OF YOU ANONS WITH EXCELLENT TASTE. I was pleased with the glimpses of jokaste we got in the books but I will seize any excuse to write her myself, as part of my ongoing fight for more ruthless, charming, ambitious masterminds who are women. and I love the idea that under other circumstances she and laurent might have been cautious and terrifying allies, if their interests ever aligned.

I had a dream about this AU!
literally two separate anons have told me this and I think this is amazing. your dreams probably have better plot twists than the actual story. especially the one where damen had to learn japanese for Nebulous Reality TV Reasons. more power to you, collective fandom subconscious.

look, this is a small lifeboat and I can’t save everyone, and my primary interest in every AU I write is keeping nicaise alive so that he and laurent can be snarky BFFs. and aimeric is just so much more useful if you keep his traitorous aspects intact. don’t worry, laurent is gonna have a minor existential moment about this in the next scene. 

oh boy I can’t wait for them to bone down
me neither. me. neither. I don’t know how porny this fic is going to get but rest assured there will be at LEAST some serious kissing.

ok so…damen has a man bun?
yes. it’s super hot. he looks like that guy you run into in woolworths who has clearly just been to the gym and is now shopping for greek yoghurt and could probably bench press your entire weight, and you get so distracted by his arms and his dimples and the little dark wisps of escaping hair in the nape of his neck that you accidentally end up with a trolley full of frozen peas and none of the yoghurt you, personally, were meant to be picking up.

that is a very specific scenario
yes, it is definitely Fiction and in no way based on a real experience.

but what is LAURENT’S hair doing in this universe?
his hair is full of secrets, obviously.

fahye are you just making up questions now

Cons of having a Tarot with a personality.

My Tarot is such a fucking Bitch to me. her 0% tolerance does lead her to try and fuck with me every now and then but she does tell me how it is and due to my stubborn ass needing that, i am thankful. But this legit just happened.

Me: Welp, might as well forget about that crush that developed like 8 months ago, hope you’re happy.

Her: Lmao it would be better and healthier for you if you don’t date her i can tell you shit would go down

Me: Seriously tho, if something happens in my current relationship with another, Would i get into another relationship in the future at all?

Her: XI Justice. You need to think logically and not let emotions overwhelm you. Highly unrealistic bitch

Me: Well i can always count on you to smack me into reality

Her: XI Justice reversed. Lol i was just joking stop taking me literally


Me: bi TCH

election night in Broken Masquerade
  • <p> <b>me, sitting on my couch watching the election on my favorite unbiased news network of choice:</b> is that a knock at my door I hear<p/><b>me, getting off the couch and answering the door:</b> oh golly sure is awful I have to get off my couch and stop watching the election to answer this door when I could be watching the election and sitting on the couch rather than answering the door, damn shame<p/><b>them:</b> hello, this is Agents ██████ and ████ with the Eastern U.S. Branch of the SCP Foundation, we've been getting high Hume readings within 50 meters of this building and need to ask you a few questions if that's alright with you-<p/><b>reporter on the television:</b> "...and with Trump only five electoral votes away, it looks like we're-"<p/><b>me, immediately turning to the agents:</b> okay it's me, let's go<p/><b>them:</b> ...what<p/><b>me, grabbing my shit to leave:</b> ah yes it's me yes. please take me<p/><b>them:</b> it may be an anomaly in the natural surroundings rather than yourself, please calm down<p/><b>me, walking out the door:</b> let's go<p/><b>them:</b> no ma'am you're not under arrest please just let us ask you a few questions about the high Hume readings<p/><b>me, throwing myself into their arms:</b> let's go<p/><b>them, removing me from themselves:</b> please go back inside and sit down, you are not being detained<p/><b>me, grabbing the Kant counter from their hands and rubbing it all over my body:</b> damn wow that's a high reading! whoo!! I always knew there was something wrong with me, no worries guys I'm not anti-Foundation I support your work I hope the healthcare plan is good for human skips in containment haha am I right lads Ethics Committee 2016<p/><b>them, literally trying to pick me up and put me back in my apartment:</b> um ma'am we can't put you in containment unless you're noticeably anomalous and we've filed paperwork with the UN Human Rights Council<p/><b>me, running very fast down the stairs so that they will feel the need to apprehend me:</b> can't believe I got abducted by the SCP Foundation oh my god never a dull moment in this life am I right?? tell my family I love them lmao!!!<p/><b>them, walking at a normal pace down the stairs:</b> uhhh ma'am please stay here while we call for backup, there is nothing amiss, please remain calm<p/><b>me, forcibly handcuffing myself and locking myself in the back of their van, awaiting the drive to Site-19:</b> please remove me from American society within the next two hours<p/></p>