downhill running

shiv

///


November 14th.
In the coffee shop,
the man in the
Make America Great Again hat
smiles at me, so I take this
as an invitation.


“Pardon me, but I have to ask—
do you think Trump’s
ideologies keep every person
in this country safe?“


He doesn’t hesitate.


“Ma’am, I can’t get wrapped up
in identity politics, all I can
worry about is how
I’m going to feed my girls.”


///


At my 40th birthday party,
an acquaintance asks
why we have “so much
Mexican art in the house.”

“It might be because I’m Mexican,” I say.

“No,” he laughs, “you’re not Mexican.”

“Yes. I am.”

“No,” he continues, reassuringly,
“and if you are, you’re only, maybe, 17%.“

The winter air stiffens between us.
An old, familiar pain.


///


There was a time when I
would have thanked him.


The early years,
when I wanted only to pass,
to rid myself of my last name—
the dead giveaway,
its muddy lineage


crawl out from the burying shame
that held me down every time
my father picked me up
from school in our shitty car,
his bushy mustache
& brown face
magnified by the sun.


///


A local white woman
posts a photo of her new tattoo:
a Mayan god etched eternal
on her flesh. When I point out
the disrespect, she assures me
she speaks Spanish fluently,
spent three years
in South America.


For the next six hours,
I argue with her friends.
They demand I quit being so
divisive. Judgemental. Close-minded.


“We have a racist running for President,
and you’re complaining about a tattoo?”
asks the white boy, who spray paints
murals all over this city
with impunity.


O, to be permitted the luxury
of only worrying about one thing at a time.


O, to be white in America,
to wake up knowing every god is your god.


///


When you never see yourself,
you search for yourself all the time.


You know the white girl
in the sombrero isn’t you.
The bro dude in Calavera makeup
isn’t either, not the ponchos
and glued on mustaches,
not the lowrider Chevy
in the Disney movie
or the hoochie-coochie
sex pot on the Emmy
award-winning television show.


Maybe you are only this:


the scorched bird pulled
from the chimney,
covered in soot.
Not the actual bird,
its velvet sack
of jigsaw’d bones,
but the feeling
of recognition.


The ash of knowing.


///


A white comedian tells this joke:
“I used to date Hispanics,
but now I prefer consensual.”


The audience laughs.
And you do, too.
Until the punchline hardens,
translates into a stone
in your throat.


You swallow it, like you always do.


You don’t change the channel,
but you also can’t remember
a single joke she tells after that.


A few months later, the comedian’s career
blows up. She’s so real. So edgy.
Such a hardcore feminist.
When someone writes an essay on
her old stand-up routines—
noting her blindspot when it comes to race,


her response is:


“It is a joke and it is funny.
I know that because people laugh at it.”


///


If two Mexicans are in a car, who is driving?
A police officer.


How do you starve a Mexican?
Put their food stamps in their work boots.


What’s the difference between a Mexican and an elevator?
One can raise a child.


What do you call a Mexican baptism?
Bean dip


How do you stop a Mexican from robbing your house?
Put a help wanted sign in the window.


What do you call a Mexican driving a BMW?
Grand theft auto


What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower?
Unemployed


What do you call a building full of Mexicans?
Jail


How do you keep Mexicans from stealing?
Put everything of value on the top shelf.


What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running downhill?
A mudslide.


Why don’t Mexicans play Hide ’n Seek?
No one will look for them.


What does a Mexican get for Christmas?
Your TV.


What do you call the Arizona man shot to death
by his white neighbor, screaming, “Go back to Mexico!”
Juan Varela


///


November 29th.
For weeks, I’ve avoided
eye contact with strangers.
My face is a closed curtain.
My mouth, the most
decorated knife.
I pay for groceries,
grab the receipt &
let my half-hearted
thank yous trail like smoke.
I no longer want to see
who refuses to see me.


Anyone is everyone.


///


December 1st.
I keep waking up.
There isn’t anyone
white enough to stop me.


Pantomime the living until
the body remembers:
wicked bitch. Bloodwhirl.
Patron Saint of the Grab Back.


Still. Still. Still. Still. Still. Still here.


///


I etch my own face upon my wicked flesh.
I am my own devastating god.

 


Rachel McKibbens, Dec. 2016

orangeisorange replied to your post “Well… hello there. Very interesting. Lyla is back for 5x19.”

I love your reviews, thanks for writing them. The problem I have with Olicity is that a reunion would be contingent upon things we haven’t seen on-screen. Oliver and Felicity hardly feel like friends anymore, so it’s all based on the fact that the writers are delaying the confrontation to end all confrontation. My fear is that it might not happen.

I thought your comment was really interesting @orangeisorange, so I wanted to kick it up to a separate post to respond to it. Hope that’s okay. I would say that if we are feeling a distance between Olicity this year then that’s appropriate. There is a distance between them. Yes, they’ve figured out how to work together. They are fighting crime together, but they haven’t worked out their personal issues.  They aren’t addressing them, because (like I said) if they do then they’ll get back together and Arrow is trying to milk this. Not unusual for a television show. We want the conversations to happen in 5x05 or heck even in Season 4. Arrow decides to push it to the back half of Season 5. The push/pull dynamic on pacing between writers/network and audience is always a frustrating one, but it’s the reality of a television show.

Are Oliver and Felicity as close as they were in Season 4 or maybe even Season 3? NO. That is intentional. They are intentionally leaving this wall between them because A) they are trying to move on and B) they don’t know how to fix what went wrong between them, despite the intense love they feel for one another. Is that frustrating as a viewer? Yes. We can scream, “TALK!” at the top of our lungs, but it’s not going to happen until it happens. Does Olicity work better together than apart? Yes. Does the show work better when they are together? Yes. I’m not saying there isn’t room for complaint, but I don’t necessarily find Oliver and Felicity’s behavior towards one another out of character for the situation they are in. 

That’s not to say there isn’t a rebuild. That’s not to say Arrow hasn’t put in the narrative beats so that when these conversations finally come it makes sense. Closing this distance, finding their way back to one another, is a huge piece of their individual arcs. Simply because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Nor should we really expect it to happen in episode 5 or episode 14 of a season. That’s just not how episodic television works. Frustrating? Yes, but watching a 23 episode season live is a long and arduous process. 

I don’t really agree this confrontation is contingent on things we haven’t seen on screen. We’ve seen the progression of this rebuild on screen all season long. For those who don’t see the rebuild, there’s something I do sometimes. It’s a little trick I play in my mind. Arrow is very much like Buffy where the romantic relationship is a core tennant of the show, but it’s not a main focus of the show. There’s episodes that focus on Olicity and then there’s many episodes that don’t. We get smaller moments, snip its, or none at all. This is true of  every single season of Arrow. So, sometimes what I do to see the narrative beats, is remove those in between episodes and focus on the big Olicity ones.

5x01 - Diggle kicks off the season long question that Oliver has to answer.

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“what will you do for me?”

i’d watch the moon
shift into darkness
her silver curves, edged with shadows
shadows of lovers
much like me,
turn into a slice of nothing
a vague dream
leftovers of an aftertaste
fading musk and night flowers
the smell of earth
i could write about you all night
and then hide the hasty scrawls
my attempts at explaining
the raw divinity that you are,
id watch it all
i’d feel it all
from the reflection in your eyes
for watching the sun set in your golden irises is a delight
and so is watching you exist.


i’d throw my heart
off a cliff, into a void
and smash it into pieces
fragments that dully glint
then run downhill
only to retrieve the jagged pieces
and hand them to you
because i know my heart is too much
too cold at times
and it beats a little frantic
my breath hitches
my knees do fail me
and i’d rather have my body ache
then watch you struggling
trying
to hold the fragile, pathetic thing
that my heart is
you won’t have to worry now.

i will try to give you the sky
tell you it is yours
try to compress
the vast heavens
into a blank canvas
i know it will be hard
because my heart cannot comprehend
the universe, not yet
for this world we live in
it’s got galaxies and constellations
dusted with stars that burn
as bright as my love,
and your eyes,
they are no different
but i will try
maybe it won’t be what i’d want you to see
but i will try
(certain things
are so beautiful
even the stars dull around them.)

—  for you, i’d bleed myself dry

1. “You could rattle the stars. You could do anything if only you dared. And deep down, you know it too, and that’s what scares you the most.” —Sarah J. Maas, Throne of Glass

2. “When people fall in love, they burst into flames.” Jandy Nelson, I’ll Give You the Sun

3. “The words were on their way, and when they arrived, she would hold them in her hands like clouds, and she would ring them out like the rain.” —Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

4. “Things were rough all over but it was better that way. That way, you could tell the other guy was human too.” —S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders

5. “I try to think about how it all works. At school dances, I sit in the background, and I tap my toe, and I wonder how many couples will dance to ‘their song.’ In the hallways, I see the girls wearing the guys’ jackets, and I think about the idea of property. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.” —Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

6. “To be careful with people and with words was a rare and beautiful thing.” Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe

7. “He didn’t give me flowers or candy. He gave me the moon and the stars. Infinity.” —Jenny Han, We’ll Always Have Summer

8. “He was contemplation and enthusiasm. Ambition and strong coffee. I could have looked at him forever.” ―E. Lockhart, We Were Liars

9. “She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.” Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor & Park

10. “Slowly, very slowly, he sat up and as he did so he felt more alive and more aware of his own living body than ever before. Why had he never appreciated what a miracle he was, brain and nerve and bounding heart?” ―J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

11. “Real life was something happening in her peripheral vision.” ―Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl

12. “Without a filter, a man is just chaos walking.” ―Patrick Ness, The Knife of Never Letting Go

13. “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.” Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

14. “Live! Live the wonderful life that is in you! Let nothing be lost upon you. Be always searching for new sensations. Be afraid of nothing.”—Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

15. “It’s like the people who believe they’ll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn’t work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. If you see what I mean.” —Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

16. “We feel cold, but we don’t mind it, because we will not come to harm. And if we wrapped up against the cold, we wouldn’t feel other things, like the bright tingle of the stars, or the music of the aurora, or best of all the silky feeling of moonlight on our skin. It’s worth being cold for that.” —Philip Pullman, The Golden Compass

19. “The right belief is like a good cloak, I think. If it fits you well, it keeps you warm and safe. The wrong fit however, can suffocate.” ―Brandon Sanderson, The Final Empire

20. “October extinguished itself in a rush of howling winds and driving rain and November arrived, cold as frozen iron, with hard frosts every morning and icy drafts that bit at exposed hands and faces.” ―J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

21. Sometimes writing is running downhill, your fingers jerking behind you on the keyboard the way your legs do when they can’t quite keep up with gravity.” ―Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl

22.  “His soul might be a sun. I’ve never met anyone who had the sun for a soul.” ―Jandy Nelson, I’ll Give You the Sun

23. “I bet you could sometimes find all the mysteries of the universe in someone’s hand.” ―Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe

24. “Libraries were full of ideas–perhaps the most dangerous and powerful of all weapons.”Sarah J. Maas, Throne of Glass

25. “To draw you must close your eyes and sing.” ―Jandy Nelson, I’ll Give You the Sun

Some thoughts I had so far

So I’ve seen the first two episodes of @apprenticebard‘s favorite anime and one of the things that struck me while watching the first episode was that, aside from the Magical Girl Anime bits, the world it was set in actually sort of felt like a fairy tale story.

I think a lot of writers struggle with making a story seem like a fairy tale. There are a lot of stories that desperately try to aim for that feel, but many of them miss it. The most common thing that I think a ton of stories get wrong is that instead of understanding what make certain stories fairy tales instead decide that they’ve just got to put all the “fairy tale” characters in it (usually more influenced by Disney than actual fairy tales). So it’s this massive crossover fiction with classic characters, but it doesn’t feel like a fairy tale at all.

The other thing that I really hate is when people will keep the same sort of plots and then just add gore and sex and be like, “Well the originals had all that stuff too!” ignoring that most of that was implied and hinted at rather than directly shown to the reader, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue I think.

But the first episode of Princess Tutu…feels fairy tale-ish? Animals that have been turned human, a cat that’s a teacher, birds that greet our protagonist in the mornings (who of course checks to see how their lives are going), and an old man who turns our heroine into a human for ulterior motives. Our protagonist started her life as a duck, and when she’s turned human her name is…Duck.

And the only one who notices that anything’s weird is the protagonist. It feels more like a fairy tale than something like Once Upon a Time ever did.

||» hello, rival (seungcheol)

who would have ever thought that once chance meeting the year before high school began would grow into so much

w.c just under 4.3k | fluff, angst, f l u f f, friendly summer camp rival!seungcheol, bullet points | dedicated to: jackie / @tookorean for always being there to listen to my fic ideas and rambles, kura / @caratvocals bc she Loves™ seungcheol, and for mj / @jungnoir for inspiring me with astounding and incredible works!

  • summer camp before high school freshman year begins and it’s the camp that’s out away from town in a forest on a lake u know cliché Summer Camp™ and there’s a bunch of kiddos around and everyone gets split up into a couple teams bc what’s more invigorating than PUMMELING FELLOW MAN at summer sports 

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3

Blue Ridge Relay 2017, a brief account

Part I: Friday, 5:41 p.m. Run 8.4 miles along a quiet country road, then run up a large mountain, eat a lot of dust, and run downhill. Worry about your knee, but don’t feel it. Pass lots of empty homes. Definitely haunted. Get chased by a terrier. Average 7:48 pace.

Part II: Saturday, 3:55 a.m. Run 4.8 miles in an abandonded neighborhood and then highway. All alone. Pure. fear. Make a plan to catch whoever the person is in front of you just so you can have a buddy. No matter the cost. When you catch up to them, your panic is too great and they are too slow. You leave them. Wish the sun could magically appear. Your last mile is a 5:55. Average 7:26 pace.

Part III: Saturday, 2:30 p.m. Run 4.1 miles, with the first 2.5 miles up a steep climb. And then cruise the last bit along the Blue Ridge Parkway trying not to get hit by cars. Constantly pick at your reflective vest, deemed necessary by officials when running on the parkway. Still thankful the sun is up. Average 8:32 pace.

Blue Ridge Relay • Sept. 8 & 9, 2017
12 runners • 2 drivers
208 miles • 29:24:50 • 8:30 pace

Let’s get in the mood.

Initial D is a manga started in 1995 that ran until 2013, as well as an anime that began in 1998 and ended in 2014. It stars Takumi Fujiwara as a driving prodigy specializing in downhill runs and details his journey into the world of touge street racing. The series is a giant love letter to the AE86 as well as many late 80s/early and mid-90s Japanese sports cars. 

And like any successful manga/anime series, there have been plenty of games. It’s a formula that lends itself well in the right developers’ hands, and the quality of these games range from abysmal to terrific.

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I’m Not Ill pt.6

//Trigger Warning and Disclaimer: mentions of mental illnesses, physical abuse, and self-harm. //

Summary: How long could Taehyung stay away from you?

Words: 4k+

“You know there’s a story about a fox and a bunny.”

“You mean Zootopia?” Tae grinned cutely at you.

“No,” you laughed. “It’s a different one. Plus it doesn’t involve animal discrimination. My mom used to tell me a story every night when I was a kid. We ran out of story books one night, so she just made one up for me.”

“Tell it to me then. I love stories; and foxes. You too! I love you, more than stories and foxes combined.” He shifted his position so that he was lower than you. You were cuddling at the couch, and he’s been whining for his turn to be the little spoon. Your hand found its way to his hair, caressing it as you told the story.

“It starts out with a small country fox. He lived in the forest all alone. At first, he liked it, since he didn’t have to share the food he got or the shelter he found. But then he started feeling lonely.”

“One day, he was walking around the forest searching for berries. Then, he heard something fall. He went closer to the noise and found a small bunny in a pit. Leaves were scattered at the bottom, and he knew she must’ve fallen in.”

“The bunny noticed the fox and immediately quivered in fear. She has heard about his kind preying on hers. Foxes were evil, and did nothing but terrorize her fellow rabbits.”

“ The fox saw a broken branch and picked it up with his teeth. He shoved one end of the branch in the pit, but the bunny didn’t move. It was too scared of him, even though he was clearly trying to help. Now, the fox noticed this, and he was hurt. He waited hours and hours, holding the branch out. When he got tired, he’d lay it down, and picked it up again when he was rested enough.”

“He never left the bunny’s side for days, just waiting until she grabbed the branch.”

Taehyung stared at you, expecting you to continue. You smiled sadly at him. “That’s it, Tae.”

“W-what? But that wasn’t happy.” he pouted at you. “What happened? Did she grab the branch? I don’t understand… Isn’t there something more?”

“Yes, but it symbolizes something, Tae. She was hesitant because she didn’t want to get hurt.”

“Love is supposed to make you feel better. I don’t understand.” his eyebrows creased. A smile broke through as you watched him whine. “I don’t get why this story’s your favorite.”

“I like it because it’s realistic. It sounds dumb and childish from someone else’s point of view, but if you really think about it, it makes sense. Hesitation, fear, love, trust, the story subtly hints toward them.” you explained.

He stared into space, contemplating what you said. “If that’s true…” he looked back at you, eyes wide with innocence. “Is that’s true, does it mean you’ve felt it? Do you think I’ll hurt you?”

Although you knew he didn’t mean to blurt such a question out loud, you were shocked. You wanted to say yes, to think that you and him could work. But you knew it would be difficult, considering his mental state. Time was ticking and his smile began to droop when you still haven’t answered him.

“Of course not! I love you no matter what.”


Taehyung woke up, his strait jacket unbound and the sleeves dragging on the floor. He was in his old bed, in his old apartment, where he and his sister used to live. Where his father used to live. 

The wallpaper was the same dirty brown splotched with dried alcohol. The room reeked of sweat and beer, no matter how clean it was. Usually, his clothes lay on the floor in piles, his school bag opened, with his books scattered around. However this time, everything was clean.

The floor was spotless, and the furniture was bare. He looked at the cork board on the wall in front of him. The polaroids he hung up of him and Jin were gone. The various souvenirs he stuck were also gone, and so were his posters and figurines.  

There was a knock on the door, followed by a creak. 

“Tae? You’re awake!” he gawked at you, standing by the door frame. You moved closer to him, sitting at the foot of the bed. “Aren’t you getting up? Breakfast is here.”

He took your hand, drinking the sight in. You were wearing a black sweater, the letter ‘V’ printed on it in large font and bright red color. There was something wrong, certainly. He didn’t know whether it was pure coincidence, or intentional. Your touch wasn’t fully comforting anymore. Still, his doubts were washed away when you spoke once more.

“Tae, they’re waiting for you.” you stood back up, and without another word, walked out the door. 

Though dumbfounded, he found himself following you. He stopped at the living room, confusion deepening.

Two boys were laughing on the couch, both whose voices he recognized. “Ah, Taehyungie’s finally up.” Hoseok smiled at him. Jungkook stopped chuckling and turned his attention to the older boy. “Took you long enough.”

“W-what? Why are you here?” Taehyung’s head started to spin. The other two noticed this, and Jungkook placed a hand on his shoulder in worry. “You shouldn’t be here.” he continued.

“Why not?” It was Hoseok’s turn. “Someone invited us.”

“Who?” Taehyung’s gaze followed to where Hoseok was pointing at. He saw Jin, standing by the kitchen with a tray of cookies in his hand. His hyung smiled at him, as if everything was perfectly normal. As if he was still alive

Jin wore a pink hoodie, the hem of the clothing covering the top of his legs. He was wearing the most casual ripped jeans, and on his wrist was something Taehyung’s eyes were glued to. It was like a huge alarm, silently drawing Taehyung in. It was the bracelet Jin wore the day he died.

Taehyung stumbled back, falling as his legs failed to carry him. Within seconds, he was on the floor, vision blurring as the three boys crowded around him. He knew they were trying to talk to him; he could hear their voices, but he couldn’t understand. He saw Jin peering over him before fully blacking out.

*

Birds were chirping around him. The air was fresher, and he could feel something damp against his clothes. Bright light blinded him, soon becoming less harsh as his sight adjusted. He sat up, this time to find that he was wearing blue and white striped pajamas. Trees and bushes were around him, golden sunlight splaying in between the leaves. The grass he was on had dew drops on it, causing the dampness.

Suddenly, he heard soft sobs not far away from him. He stood up, following the noise even in confusion. The place looked so familiar, but he couldn’t think well since the harder he thought, the more his headache returned. The crying sounded familiar too, he just couldn’t pinpoint who. He crouched behind a bush, silently moving forward as he saw a figure sitting on the ground.

You were hunched over, head in our hands as you tried to massage you throbbing head. You were picking apples off the tree when you grabbed a weak branch and fell. The fall didn’t break any bones, but it left your head hurting. The basket of apples landed far from you, but it didn’t matter anymore.

You rubbed your eyes, flinching as you felt someone touching your shoulder. You looked up to see Taehyung glancing at you worriedly. He wiped his thumb over your cheeks -like what you used to do when you comforted him- and wiped your tears. He hesitated, then gave you a small peck on the lips. He rubbed your head before pressing his lips on the sore spot.

After a few minutes, when the pain was no longer bad, he helped you stand up. You looked back lovingly at him, and started to run. He called your name from behind, his feet crunching the grass as he struggled to chase after you. The birds above twittered and fluttered as they flew away from you two. Your laughter was melodic, enchanting him to try harder to reach you- then he stopped.

You burst out in between two bushes, running downhill and straight into a small village. Taehyung stood helpless behind the bush, shoulders slumped as he watched you getting farther away. You didn’t bother to look back, your hair flowing behind you, as if waving goodbye to him. 

“Tough luck.”

He whipped his head to the side. The voice sent chills down his spine. It was raspy, yet soft at the same time. All too familiar, and unfortunately the only thing that wasn’t confusing in his own world. V stood next to him, casually leaning on a tree as his eyes scanned you in the distance.

“It sucks, I know. It’s really her fault for leaving us.” he continued, still looking at you.

“She’s not. She promised me. You’re the only one who’s making everyone suffer here.” Taehyung hissed.

“Oh really now? Have you ever thought you were making her suffer?”

Taehyung lunged at him, grabbing the collar of his identical pajama shirt. “No! She said so herself, she loves me, okay? I trust her, and I don’t need you anymore. Go! Fucking go away! You already took my hyung, so just let me be happy for once. You live with me. I control you, and I’m telling you; fuck off.”

V stared timidly as Taehyung took in deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. “Are you done?” he tched. “You’ve always been the emotional one. This is why she can’t leave you. You’re pitiful. We’re pitiful. You might think I’m just the tiny devil on your shoulder, but I have more power. I’m stronger than you, and even a hint of my shadow makes you bend to my will. Taehyung, you just need to accept it. People like us aren’t supposed to be with people like her.”

Taehyung’s grip loosened as he processed what V said. V took his silence as an opportunity to proceed. 

“Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe she’d be happier if she had someone who could think like a normal fucking person? Have you seen her eyes when I- when we almost choked her to death? We almost killed her Tae. We drove her away.”

“I didn’t! You did. Don’t drag me into this shit-storm you caused.” he retaliated.

“We caused. You said it yourself. I live with you. Wherever you are, I’m there. if you’re with y/n, then I’m with y/n. You don’t want that do you?”

His question made Taehyung’s breath hitch. He was right for once. Maybe the things he’s been doing, the sudden relapse, was all for you. To protect you. He was the walking subconscious trying to save you from his inner demons. From himself. He glanced longingly at the village again. He swore he saw Jin again, then the sight started to become unbearable. 

“I don’t.” 

*

Jackson looked from the doorway as the two psychiatrists examined Taehyung. He’s been motionless for three days now, silently mumbling to himself from time to time. He hasn’t been eating nor drinking water, except if he was taking his medication. Apparently, the state he was in was better than the sudden bouts of violence he had, although Jackson begged to differ. He’d rather see Taehyung actually look alive. 

“He’s still hallucinating even with the meds?” Dr. Lim, a middle-aged man with a small face and big glasses asked his partner. 

“It’s slowly working it’s way, and I think the hallucinations weren’t as bad as before. There’s a calming agent in the pill that triggers his brain to put on a peaceful show for him so he doesn’t relapse again.” Dr. Kang replied.

“Excuse me?” The two doctors looked at Jackson, surprised that he suddenly spoke up. “If he’s getting better, then isn’t it time to move him back? We could lock him in his room, where there’s a more comfortable surrounding. It could ease his mind more. Plus, we’ll keep guard so that he won’t get out without any notice.” 

Dr. Lim took his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “We can’t just leta high level patient out of isolation that easily. What if he snaps while we move him? What if he gets out by chance? He could either end up killing someone or being killed himself.”

“However, he has a point.” His partner interrupted. “The patient’s room is on the higher floors, so there’s no way he can sneak out with about twenty nurses all over the building; plus the security guards. It could help his recovery too.”

They turned to each other again, discussing their options, their pros and cons, while Jackson stood back and silently prayed that they’d approve. It would be easier for him to find a way for you to meet Taehyung if they did. Finally, after a few minutes of hushed whispers and bickering, they turned back to him again.

“Mr. Wang, kindly assign a few nurses to prepare Mr. Kim’s room. We’ll be moving him tomorrow by strapping him on a wheelchair. I want a guard blocking each exit, and a nurse at each hallway.”


The day was tinted grey as you went off to work. Even with Namjoon’s consistent bothering and worrying, you didn’t quit your job. He even offered you a few available part-time jobs with higher salary, but you didn’t care about them. You couldn’t just leave Taehyung like that. It would only prove V correct, and you knew you were more than that.

Sometimes you wondered if Tae ever thought about you while in that state. If he ever thought about anyone in that state. You had a lot of  questions for him, some you didn’t know if you want an answer to. Patient files aren’t enough to make someone understand him as a person, just like any other who has feelings and consciousness.

The first thing you did was to go in the Reform Room, or the hell they put him into. Jackson didn’t even get to utter a ‘hi’ when you rushed straight downstairs. “Wait!” he called after you. “He’s not there anymore.”

You stopped at the middle of the staircase, dumbfounded. “He’s- he’s gone?” your shoulders dropped at the thought.

“No, you idiot. He’s upstairs, in his room.”

Jackson stumbled back as you hugged him, saying multiple thank you’s. He chuckled lightly, taking I’m your hand in a friendly manner and guiding back to the patient lounge. Unusually, it was empty. A lone mug of cold coffee sat on the table, the owner clearly not caring for it anymore.

 "Where is everyone?“ you asked as Jackson took the mug off the table and placed it on the sink.

“Ever since, you know, that happened, they had the patients in semi-lockdown. No one’s allowed to leave their rooms without a nurse accompanying them, and they’re not allowed to interact anymore until the lockdown’s lifted.” he huffed.

“Is that even legal?” It was the first thing you blurted out. How the police didn’t know about the things they did in the asylum was a mystery. you didn’t even know whether Namjoon knew about it, or if his mom was letting him on. 

You didn’t catch Jackson’s timid ‘I don’t think so’ since you were busy scanning the room. The chairs were shoved under the table, and some dust was starting to collect on the bookshelves that held crossword puzzles and books. The lightbulbs they were using had a fainter, almost dreadful glow. You peered over the trash can and saw piles of empty energy drinks and coffee, presumably from the tired staff working 24/7.

“Is Tae still at room 18?” you followed Jackson as he stepped inside the elevator. He pressed the button to the fifth floor, where you remembered Taehyung was in. 

“No. He’s been moved to Room 21. We’re visiting Yoongi, and by we, I mean you.” He dug in the pocket of his pants for a while, then brought out a white lighter. “I’ve been checking on him for the past few days, and he is not venting well. He’s been punching the wall, himself, just anything. He really blames himself for what happened.”

“Are you gonna give that back?” you gestured to the lighter. Jackson shook his head, then pocketed it again. “No way. I don’t want him getting worse.”

The elevator doors opened after the ding. You almost didn’t want to step out when you saw the rows of nurses guarding each door. “Why me out of all people?” Even if you didn’t want to admit it, you were starting to get scared of them. The people you convinced yourself to call friends. 

“He’s been looking for you. I don’t know if it’s a bad thing or not.”

He led you to room 20, the last one on the floor. Clearly, Yoongi was moved two rooms up, ever since the lighter incident. The nurses there were doubled, some not even doing there duties properly as they scrolled on their phones. They tensed up as Jackson cleared his throat. One of them, you recognized to be Daehyun, walked up to Jackson. 

“I think he tired himself out- Why is she here?” The question wasn’t meant to be offensive, but the way he said it had an edge. Jackson glared at him, making him waver on his spot. “I mean, I thought her absence was extended one more week?”

“Clearly not. Step aside, she’s going in.” The boys let you pass, not before hastily shoving a whistle in your hand. You sent Jackson a confused look. “Just in case.” he whispered, shutting the door quietly.

The room was dark, the only source of light coming from the eerie glow of a window covered by thick curtains. Yoongi was lying on his bed, his back facing you. His breathing seemed calm, although you could see his shoulders quivering. He looked over his shoulder, eyes piercing yours. He groaned when he saw you, slowly sitting up and running a hand through his messy hair. “What took you so long? Taehyung’s been wasting away while you were busy hiding in your cozy room, fucking around with Namjoon. Do you not fucking know what happened?” he took a tentative step closer to you.

“I wasn’t fucking around with- what the hell have you been doing?!” His arms were covered in nail marks, some of them gleaming a dull red. Papers were strewn across the floor, ranging from those with organized song lyrics to ones with scribbles cutting through the surface. “You look and smell like shit! Why didn’t you help Tae instead of wallowing in self-pity here?”

His eyes widened in disbelief. He chuckled darkly before taking another step towards you. “I’m wallowing? Oh shut up and get your ass to his room. I haven’t been out, because every time I did go out, Zico would accidentally elbow me in between my shoulders.” He turned away from you and crouched down to pick up a piece of paper. “Here.” he said, handing it to you. “Lisa said Taehyung wanted to give me that.” You took it, smoothing out the crumples. Heavily written in black crayon was a simple sentence: “Don’t let her see me”

You stared at it, rereading it again and again. “What?” you mustered to say. Yoongi sighed, plopping back down on his bed. “I don’t know why, but I think he doesn’t want to see you.”

“So you wanted to talk to me to tell me to fuck off?” you scoffed at him. “I wanted to talk to you because I don’t want him to feel guilty in case he does something he doesn’t mean to.” he vaguely replied. “In other words, I don’t want him to hurt anyone anymore.” He faced you, eyes glossed over with sadness. “I won’t be able to forgive myself if something bad happens to him.”

You understood him, memories going back to the conversation you had after the lighter incident. “At least tell him that you’ll always be there for him. That sweet shit you do. I’ll be very grateful.” You nodded at him as he waved you off. 

“Yoongi,” your hand rested on the doorknob, ready to exit. “Taehyung wouldn’t want to see you hurting yourself.” You didn’t wait for his reply before stepping out the room, and closing the door silently behind you. 

Jackson stood up from the wall he was leaning on. “Do you still want to go to Tae?” You couldn’t get a solid answer out. You wanted to take Yoongi’s advice, but at the same time see Taehyung again. Instead, you found yourself dragging Jackson by the sleeve to the elevator. “Get me out of there after a minute.” You muttered to him, getting off the 6th floor. 

You pushed aside the guards in front of room 21. “TaeTae?” you knocked on the door. “I’m here now. I promise, everything will be less shitty.” You knocked some more, only to be met by silence. After a while, a piece of paper was slipped out under the door crack. “Go away”

“Tae, no. I’m not gonna leave you here.” you pressed your ear against the wood, hoping to hear his voice. Instead, another piece of paper came out. “Leave me alone”

“Please talk to me. Properly. Please, Tae?’ you whispered. There was a loud bang inside the room, then Taehyung screaming. “I told you to leave me the fuck alone!”


You closed the door to Room 20. Yoongi told you Tae will cool down after a few days, saying he’s in one of his ‘V Phases’. It was alarming how calmly he said that. Sometimes you forget how a thing like this is considered to be normal to Yoongi. There was a glint in his eyes though, something you thought could be worry. He told you to leave him be for a few weeks, so you did. He never once came out of his room, and the only familiar faces you saw were Hoseok and surprisingly, Jungkook.

He was out almost every day, clutching a few papers as he headed to the garden. Whenever you tried to talk to him, he’d just mutter a flustered ‘hi’ and walk away fast. You figured the recent events might’ve gotten to him. 

Hoseok was your assigned patient since Mrs. Kim thought you deserved lighter work. You have to admit, he was definitely an easy patient. He had therapy in the morning, then two different pills during lunch and dinner. He was getting better at a rapid pace, and Namjoon was so proud to hear that. Hoseok might even move in with him after he gets discharged. Which was today.

You were proud, to say the least. It was rare for a first-time nurse to fully cure a patient. Even though yours was the easiest case, a lot of nurses congratulated you. You were helping Hobi clear out his room, packing his clothes and some books Namjoon gave him to keep him entertained. Hoseok looked much better. He was no longer pale, his skin a having a healthier glow. The dark circled underneath his eyes were already gone.  

“Y/n, thanks for everything.” he smiled at you. You returned the gesture and handed him his last backpack. “You’re very welcome. This is what I came to do here after all.”

“What are your plans after all this?” you waved your arms, motioning to the room.

“Well, I’ll be moving in with Namjoon. He was so persistent that I actually had to say yes.” he laughed. “I can finally return to university too. I’m taking performing arts, specifically the dancing part. Although I’m definitely gonna miss you and all my friends here, I’m really glad to finally get out of this place.”

He stopped for a while, shoulders slumping a bit. “I feel guilty for leaving Jungkook behind though. And Yoongi and… Tae.” he looked at you, and you both shared the same pained glance. “Promise me you’ll help them get out too.” He reached his pinky out, and you intertwined yours with his.

“Of course I would.” you hugged him tightly, pulling away as he patted your back. 

“Hey, can you come with me to the garden for one last time?” you nodded at him, letting him go before you. 

Hoseok looked so different wearing casual clothes. You were so used to seeing him in the white slacks they gave him that it was almost weird to see him in jeans. It made you wonder what Taehyung would look like wearing just a plain t-shirt, a flannel maybe. The usual clothes. You could’ve gotten on dates with him, watched a lot of movies, eaten a lo of food. You know you will.

He opened the door, the room taking your breath away. There were drawings of foxes and bunnies all around. Covering the flowers and every inch of space on the wall. At first, you thought Jungkook was doing it, but upon closer inspection it was all Taehyung’s drawings. He was still thinking of you.

“One last thing,” Hoseok caught your attention again. “I have a little favor I’d want you to do. Jackson said Tae’s getting less aggressive, and I thought maybe he’s ready to see you. You’re a big part in his life, and I hope you’ll continue to be. So even though it’s difficult, is it okay if you visit him for me?” he shyly said.

You had two choices here. Follow Yoongi’s advice from two weeks ago and let Taehyung have his space, or ignore is advice and visit Taehyung just once. You chose the latter. “It’s more than okay.” you grinned at him, kissing him on the cheek. Hoseok blushed, nervously rubbing his neck. “When do you want me to?” you added.

He smirked at you. “Oh, I was thinking right about now.”

You chuckled at him. “I’ll see you in the lounge. Don’t leave without your favorite caretaker.”

You bolted up the stairs, not even bothering to take the elevator. Soon, you reached Taehyung’s floor. There were lesser nurses, which was a good thing. Hopefully Taehyung will be allowed back out and everything will be back to normal. You’ll assist him in taking his meds, and in a couple of months he’ll be out of the ward. Then you’ll help Jungkook, then Yoongi, and when everyone’s finally discharged, you’ll quit the job.

The room was silent. It took you a few deep breaths before you mustered up the courage to knock on the door. The other nurses paid no attention, automatically stepping aside to give you space. 

“Taetae? Can I come in?”

Your voice was like chiming bells. His half-lidded eyes widened at the sound of it. The mattress creaked as he sat up. The air felt heavier, too heavy that his chest was tightening. You called for him again, this time louder. He mustered up the courage to go to the door, placing his hand on the knob, but not turning it yet.

“Really now? I thought we had an agreement.” V was disappointed at him. His tone was daring, full of spite. It just fueled Taehyung’s courage more. “If something happens to her, you only have to blame yourself.”

The first thing he noticed was that your hair grew longer. The smile he’s been missing beamed on your face, and he can’t help but smiling too. “Oof” he laughed, stumbling back a bit when you suddenly hugged him. “I hate you. You scared me so much. Don’t ever do that again.” He can’t keep up with how fast you were talking. The only thing he could focus on was you. You were there now, in his arms, were you should rightfully be. 

He sensed that you were getting worried since he was being so silent. So, he said the first thing that popped up in his mind. “Do you want to cuddle?”

You shut the door, following him as he giddily held your hand. The bed was more comfortable with you beside him. He brought you closer, your back facing him. His head was nuzzled against your back as his fingers played with your hands. “Let’s stay like this, jagi.” he hummed.

He wanted to fall asleep like that, and he was about to. Suddenly, he felt something cool and hard against your palm. He tensed up, shifting a bit so that he can see what it was. His mood fell when he saw it. The whistle. Even though he knew it was for safety reasons, it still hurt to know that you didn’t fully trust him.

anonymous asked:

“i don’t need you, really.”

261.

“I don’t need you, really.” 

Clint made an emphatic gesture, see?, and stalked over to the refrigerator, hooking out a bottle of beer and twisting off the cap with a violent motion. He was visibly, obviously upset, but even that couldn’t make him miss, flicking the cap so it ricocheted off the counter-top, bounced on the edge of Lucky’s water bowl and into the recycling. 

“I can’t - this can’t be one-sided,” Clint said, after a second’s awful silence where Bucky considered and rejected a million stupid-ass things to say. “You get that, right? I can’t -” He hauled himself onto one of the bar stools by the counter, slumping over and resting his head in his hands. “I’ve been there. I’ve lived there, okay, and it eats away at your self esteem ‘til it nearly goddamn kills you, and I can’t - I can’t be there again, okay, I don’t like the guy it makes me.” 

Bucky rubbed a hand across his mouth and his hand, his hand was shaking. The scratch of stubble was the only sound in the stillness of the room until he cleared his throat, tried to put words into some kinda order. 

“I don’t need you - no, it’s my turn now, asshole - but I - don’t I get to have what I want, yet?” He felt, stupidly and inexplicably, betrayed. “Haven’t I fuckin’ earned that?” 

“Buck -”

Clint fell silent at the harsh slicing motion Bucky made with his metal hand, with one of the endless fuckin’ proofs that he’d given enough. 

“You can’t lead the life I’ve lived and need anything from anyone, okay? Needing people is fucking suicide, and I’ve got too much practice living to give it up any time soon.”

“Fuck, Bucky - “

“Shut the fuck up, Clint, I am not done.” He wasn’t sure when he’d stood up, when he’d shoved himself to his feet, but his hands were wrapped tight around the back of the chair he’d been sitting on and he felt like it was the only solid thing in the world. “You don’t get to ask me for that, okay?” He could hear that his voice was unsteady but there was momentum there, like running downhill and jarring at every step. “You got no right to make me need you when I already want you like I do.”

“How d’you want me?” Clint asked, soft into the silence, and from anyone else that’d be some kinda manipulation, the conversation they were having, but Clint made up in physical acrobatics how fuckin’ incapable he was with emotions. 

“You’re everything to me, you fuckin’ idiot,” Bucky said, helpless. “I could live without you but I am asking you with everything I got, please don’t fuckin’ make me.”

Button Eyes: Chapter One

The Coraline AU belongs to @boodles-art, who is graciously letting me write for it. This is cross posted on Ao3


Max tugs the fabric to close his tent tightly behind him. He adjusts his pull over quaintly and taps the tips of his swampers into place lightly before dragging his feet down the path into the surrounding woods of the camp ground.

When his parents had told him they were sending him away to this god awful summer camp, he’d be lying if he had said that this was what he had expected. The grounds themselves seemed to breath uncomfortably with deep wheezes of tragedy and mystery. Fog swirled around the trunks of the trees that seemed dead against the gray haze of sky and the ground. Even Lake Lilac was still and reflective as a mirror to the haze and deafening silence of it all.

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  • so first of all, thank you EVERYONE for all your kind words of encouragement! this tumblr community is amazing, and i’m always in awe of how supportive and loving everyone is of each other. don’t forget, it’s all of you who influenced me to get back into running and sign up for my first half marathon!
  • since it was my first and i had only given myself about 8 weeks to train, i had made my goal to finish in 2 hours and 15 minutes. honestly, i just wanted to run it through without stopping. i needed to know that this distance was possible. 
  • well, when i woke up at 6, IT WAS 20 FLIPPIN DEGREES OUTSIDE. yeah. i can’t say i was expecting that when i signed up for this race back in september. i embraced new englands cold, bundled up and made myself some eggs for breakfast. i had about an hour drive to the race and jammed out to some 90′s throwbacks to prep myself along the way. the best. am i right?
  • i convinced my co-worker to run with me, as she’s training for a half ironman in maine next fall and is all over the half marathon party (yes, she is a beast. yes, i am in awe of her). we met up, picked up our bibs and registration packets and stretched it out.
  • the race started at 8:30, and crossing that starting line awoke something in me that i’ve been missing for a long time. i think there’s something to be said about sharing a road with hundreds of other runners who wake up at 6am in the 20 degree weather to run 13 miles for fun. 
  • miles 1-4 were so full of energy and excitement. there were a lot of people on the streets cheering and i ran two of these miles at a 9:40 pace, with the other two at my goal pace of 10:00. mile 4 brought us out to the connecticut shoreline, and honestly it was one of the most beautiful views ever. 
  • miles 5-7 i was still feeling pretty strong and ran these at a 10:15 pace. it started to get pretty hilly in this area but i powered through the uphills and coasted on the downhills. i still couldn’t get over the views and kept thinking that this is absolute bliss. 
  • i’m not sure what happened at mile 8, but i started to feel a sharp shooting pain from my right glut to the back of my right knee. it wasn’t all that bad though and i was able to maintain my 10:15 pace.
  • mile 9 i still managed to keep my 10:15 pace, but by mile 10, the pain isolated itself to the back of my right knee and holy moly i wanted to stop it was so severe. sad to say i ran an 11:00 mile here. the hills continued up and down, and running downhill really exacerbated the pain. mile 11 and 12 i managed to down myself to a 10:30 pace and re-focused. i caught up with my friend who boosted my morale by reminding me of our post race pizza plans (cue heart eyes).
  • mile 13 was the home stretch and i pulled a 10:00 mile back out of me and sprinted it out once the finish line was in view. i finished 13.19 miles at 2:16:41. crossing the finish line was definitely one of my proudest moments, and i know for certain it won’t be my last.
  • the post race party consisted of free beer, apples and loaves of bread. oh my lanta, that was the best bread i’ve ever eaten in my entire life.
  • my friend and i grabbed some mashed potato and bacon pizza, salad and more beer afterwards and chatted about the race and life. it was such a fun afternoon.
  • so now i’m sitting with the pups by my wood stove hydrating and icing my knee (which only feels a bit rough when i’m going down the stairs, so i’m just being cautious). i’m planning on getting some bikram yoga in tomorrow morning to stretch out since i’m off work and clinical and class. praise be to those 3 day weekends
  • all in all. 13.1, you’re something else, and i decided i’m coming at you a few times this spring. i can’t wait to bring down my times and continue training. running, you humble me.

My left ankle is being an asshole following running downhill Monday morning, but today is the worst. Dumb anterior fibular ligament. Taped it for yesterday and today but it’s not helping. It also doesn’t like it when I wear Danskos if it’s flared up…. My bad.

Anyway, this made asshole socks appropriate for today.

Last time it was this bad, my hip popped and that resulted in completely stopping my ankle pain. Go figure the mysteries of the human body.

don’t look at me with such distant eyes.

Star Wars Rebels S4 “Kindred” and “Crawler Commanders”

Hi you guys! It’s time for Rebels!

On one hand, I like the double episodes. We get a lot of Rebels goodness! On the other hand, we’re getting close to the hiatus…

(I don’t know if the hiatus is a month long. I just like that gif)

Let’s get started!

Kindred

EVERYONE SHUT UP! KANAN AND HERA ARE TOGETHER

Thrawn knows the rebels will come looking for the hyper drive from last week so he sent in special reinforcements

Governor Flapper Girl Pryce is like, “I DON’T NEED HELP!”

And Thrawn is like, “TOO LATE! I ALREADY DID IT! Peace out!”

The rebels are dressed in stormtrooper outfits to look for the hyper drive

THE WHITE LOTH CAT. FOLLOW IT!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

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TOURISM TIPS: Acqua, water, wasser, eau, H20 - Big Noses in Rome

A bit off topic, but since it’s a tourist season I decided to compile a list of Big Noses ( “water posts”) of Rome. Of course this list is just off the top of my head, so there are surely plenty more of them. Add yours…:-)

1. Trajans market
Climb the stairway that leads to the musei fori imperiali (Trajan’s forum), walk past the museum entrance  & street that runs downhill (right).After 10-20  meters walk or so take a next corner to the right and you’ll find a Big Nose there (next to a roundabout). Centrally located and one of my favourite “refueling points”. Other people seem to like it too, since there is frequently a queue.

2. Forum Romanum, Colosseum, Capitolium and Palatinum.

There is a sort of a fountain next to the entrance of metro station. Water comes straight from a wall, but in this case it’s “acqua potable”. Also ca. 10 years ago there was a “water post” on the opposite side of metro entrance and also at the foot of the stairs that lead to Palatine Hill. Don’t know though if they are still in use. On Capitoline Hill, behind Palazzo Senatorio there is also a “water post”

3. Campus Martius

A Big Nose can be found on the western side of Piazza Campo dei Fiori (next to the statue of Giordano Bruno). There is also a Big Nose at Largo di Torre di Argentina. It’s located on the Nort-Eastern side of the archaeological area. The third waterpost that I can recall is on Via dei Banchi Vecchi that runs parallel to Corso Vittorio Emmanuele. For me this was a real gem, since I had run out of water and was jumping of joy when i heard a familiar sound of Big Nose  :). Oddly enough I can’t recall any water posts on the northern side of the area, but surely there must be them (not along the main streets of Corso or Via dei Ripetta  though - IIRC)

4. Aventinus

There is a Big Nose and also a water fountain at Parco degli  Aranci (one of my favurite places in Rome btw). Two of the photos are actually taken there

5. Trastevere, Janiculum and Vatican area

My remembrances are a bit vague on this part, but in any case it’s a pretty sweaty climb from Trastevere to Gianigolo. I somehow recall that that there is a “fueling point” near Piazza Santa Maria in Trastevere. I’m not sure about this but at least there is  a one water post at the halfway of the ascent (intersection of V. Garibaldi and   V . Gottfriedo Mamelli). I somehow recall that there is also a Big Nose near the top of Gianicolo Hill though I’m not sure of this either. As for northern part of Gianicolo and Vatican area water posts are few and far between. The only one that I can remember is located on Via delle Consiliazione pretty close to river Tiber (on the right side of the street seen from St Peter’s basilica).

6. Railway station area

There is a water post at the Northernmost point of Piazza dei Cincuecento (close to the intersection of Viale  Enrico de Nicola and Via Marsala.) This is a good place to fill up your water bottle(s) since IIRC there are zero Big noses on the three main streets (Cavour, Nazionale and XX Settembre) that lead from Termini area towards Forum Romanum. And btw, if you need other refreshments there is a pretty good grocery store just one block away (between V. Gaeta, Solferino and Volturno).

7. Parco degli Aqcuedotti

IIRC on Via Lemonia, just before the entrance to the park there is a playground where you’ll find a water post. Also on Viale Giulio Agricola - a street that leads from metro station to the park - there is a grocery store where you can buy all sort of refreshments. And I certainly recommend  that you fill your water bottle(s) before you enter the park, since I couldn’t see any Big Noses there.