“I’ll tell you everything wrong with ___ in less than ___ minutes.” “The first problem is that you exist,” “This scene does not include a lap dance and I’m disappointed.” “Stealing by accident is still stealing.” “You’re enunciating through your nose.” “Apparently saying 'I don’t know’ in a lecture about the pyramids is a huge no-no.” “Oh. Awesome. Could you be a little more vague?” “I have never heard anyone use that pronunciation in my life.” “Only dopey nerds have allergies.” “You know you’re a workaholic when getting called back to work is the only thing that can snap you out of your deep depression caused by your son accidentally killing himself.” “The hell? Do you even coffee?” “You brought in an expert to help you decipher the code but you didn’t show him everything? The fuck kind of logic are you following?” “He’s drawing on the screen with a permanent marker!” “And so he owned it. But he was stupid, so he put it in storage.” “First of all, that was morbid.” “You look beautiful and all, but maybe now’s not the right time to be posing or photos.” “You’re not even offering anything? Just an open hand of gentrification?” “Yes, the questions was lame, but you didn’t have to be such a dick-tard about it.” “I’m killing, smoking, and having everyone else do the work. You really have to appreciate my growth into a beautiful person.” “That guy may have a big dick, but he also IS a big dick. Dick.” “That’s like recycling all the onscreen actions of Two Girls, One Cup.” “That’s the ‘I’m totally in love with them but have no chance’ face.” “BDSM isn’t open during business hours.” “I know you’re comically inept so I’ll let this one go.” “Bonding by way of vandalism. Hmm- Bondalism?” “That’s the fancy way of saying you killed him.” “Sure, the one thing…. the ONE THING you had to do in the middle of a kidnapping plot is to fire a flare up in the goddamn air.” “Your friend is the valedictorian of this school? How badly did everyone else fuck up for them to become the valedictorian?” “To be fair, those birds shouldn’t be chirping. They should be eating that person I killed.” “Not even the wind or that Bronco could undo the mid-life crisis look in your hair.” “Nothing good happens when it involves gloves and a Bronco.” “You’re perfect, in a perfect home and likely have a perfect florist, so why not buy the real thing instead of a painting?” “She was taking that dog to wherever as an accessory, which makes her an awful person and thus rightly tortured for the rest of her life.” “You even walk like a thoroughbred horse at the Kentucky Derby.” “Bow down, bitches.” “Have you see the shit down here? We don’t need no parental advisory.” “Please tell me she didn’t flood the city again just to make this video.” “Ooooh, it’s a metaphor.” “These are some stupid rules.” “I would hope the things you eat didn’t complain, because they should be already dead.”
Losing an eye a year ago wouldn’t stop Patch from becoming a Kentucky Derby 143 contender
Bred and owned by Calumet Farm, Patch
began racing just this past January
and earned enough Derby points from a 2nd place finish in the Grade 2 Louisiana Derby. Trained by Eclipse-winning trainer Todd Pletcher, although Patch may lack the experience of his competitors on the road to Derby 143, he got there with only one eye.
Brady w/Jimmy G & Jacoby B, then TFB & Big Papi. This is what #wordsfail was created for. Churchill Down smay have never seen so much mansomeness and GOAT in one area before. Handlers probably passed out towels to passerbys by to dry themselves off from all the spontaneous sweating and fainting. This is the best looking QB corps in the NFL now, maybe, ever, and then our everything from the past fifteen years of Boston sports. WYeah, I’m fangirling here, but whatever…this is fan pinterest worthy (we’ll call it fanterest). Wouldn’t have blamed anyone if there eyes weren’t on the Kentucky Derby yesterday.
The year was 2015. I had just thrown two years of elementary teaching experience down the drain, career-wise, for a foot-in-the-door position at a Christian publishing company in hopes that I, a liberal atheist, would one day be qualified to work at a big children’s publishing imprint or something. I was living in my college town, but all my close friends had already moved away. I was finally living with my boyfriend, but navigating our cohabitating relationship after spending two years living 500 miles apart was leaving me feeling self-conscious, anxious, and constantly lonely. I had taken a pay cut. I couldn’t afford to do almost anything, and I didn’t have any friends outside of people I met through my boyfriend, who grew up in this town.
Luckily, a college acquaintance & former coworker of mine was on a local roller derby team, and we got drunk while watching the women’s world cup, and she convinced me to come to a practice with her. Did I know what roller derby was? Well, I had seen previews of Whip It, so I knew roller skates and cardio were involved. Short answer: I didn’t have a fucking clue. Needless to say, roller derby has taught me a lot (namely, what it is) since that July last year.
Before I go into it, I want to point out the weirdest realization I’m left with after a year of roller derby. Okay. See, I only go to practice three days a week. At first, I only went twice a week. But this experience, this small, fleeting experience, has taught me and changed me and opened my eyes to another reality within the world that I never would have known about if I had given into my fears about going to my first roller derby practice. So this list isn’t meant to be pedantic. It is meant to be a celebration of all the new ways I see the world, thanks to this awkward fringe sport that I’m always having to explain to people. And it’s also a way for me to look forward to everything I’m sure I’ll learn in the coming year.
And now, a year’s worth of ways roller derby changed me, some facts about the sport, and commentary on the world:
• Even the nicest people say some surprisingly judgmental, sexist, and rude things when you’re a woman and you reveal that you play a full-contact sport. (ex: “But you’re so feminine!” “Oh, I’d love to watch a bunch of chicks hit each other,” “Whoa, don’t hit me!” “Isn’t that a lesbian sport?”) • There’s a strategic way to use your body and your strength no matter what body type/ability you have, and it’s important to learn to play with all different body types to prepare for any opponent. • Despite how accepting roller derby is of body types & gender identities & sexualities, it’s still very white, and needs a lot of work. • Co-ed roller derby scrimmages are awesome. • If a full-contact sport like roller derby can have men’s teams who play with the same guidelines and rules as women’s teams, and can have co-ed teams that don’t need gendered guidelines to keep it “fair”, then no other sports have an excuse. • Getting injured doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s okay to step out of a drill or skip a practice to rest an injury, even if it’s not “serious”. • Although no one without experience would assume that they can just walk onto a field and safely play full-contact football with experienced athletes, people make this assumption about roller derby every time I pass out flyers for our next game. I don’t get it, and I never will. • My gear will always smell bad, no matter how many times I wash it. • I own more workout pants than regular pants. • Sometimes my boyfriend gets jealous of how much time I spend with roller derby. But he also told me that he didn’t think I would stick with it when I first started, so that’s what he gets. (No offense to him, he’s actually very supportive.) • When I miss out on social events because of roller derby, I have no regrets. When I miss out on roller derby games because of social obligations, I regret it forever. • Being sore is just who I am now. • Crosstraining is key, and I don’t do enough (which is why I’m sore all the time). • In the real world, I’m supposed to be humble and say thank you for the opportunity to give men any kind of leadership. In the roller derby world, a man just asked me to help train the newbies on the local men’s team, because I have great leadership instincts and it would be really helpful to the whole team. The real world can do better. • I don’t need a bustling social life to feel like I’m important. I don’t need a perfect job to feel like my life is going somewhere. I don’t need validation from my boyfriend to feel like I’m valuable. I can lose my job, get dumped by my boyfriend, and live nowhere near my friends, and no matter where I end up, I can still find a roller derby team to skate with.