douglas baden

MJN March: Cabin Address

DOUGLAS: All right. Your minute starts…now.

BING-BONG

MARTIN: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Captain Crieff, and I have the pleasure of welcoming you aboard this MJN Air flight to Baden Baden.

BING-BONG

DOUGLAS: Aha! Repetition! ‘Baden Baden’.

MARTIN: What? But that’s–! That’s the actual name! I can’t not say the actual name!

DOUGLAS: Carolyn, verdict?

CAROLYN: (calling from further away) Correct challenge! One point to Douglas, and 51 seconds to go.

MARTIN: That’s not fair, you purposely waited for a destination like this before suggesting the game!

DOUGLAS: And you walked right into my trap.

BING-BONG

DOUGLAS: And my name is Douglas Richardson, your first officer. We’ll be flying in a northward direction at a height of–

BING-BONG

MARTIN: Deviation! We’re not flying due north, we’re flying north by north west, we’d never end up in Baden Baden if–

DOUGLAS: I think you’ll find north by north west is still a northward direction. I didn’t say due north. I just cleverly side-stepped around saying “north” twice, just as you could have done with your second Baden.

MARTIN: Well, it’s very unprofessional not to give the exact direction.

DOUGLAS: Yes, how remiss of me. Our passengers, safe in their boxes in the hold, must be incensed at my lack of decorum. Well, what does our capable host think?

CAROLYN: I’ll give it to him.

DOUGLAS: What?!

CAROLYN: It’s just so nice to hear someone tell you you’re wrong. One point. And 42 seconds, Martin.

BING-BONG

MARTIN: This is your captain speaking again. I’m–

ARTHUR: Ooh! Am I allowed to challenge?

CAROLYN: Oh, go on then.

ARTHUR: Repetition. He said 'captain’ before, in his last bit.

DOUGLAS: Oh, that’s right! Well done, Arthur, I’d forgotten about that rule.

MARTIN: Ohh, Ar-thur!

ARTHUR: Sorry, Skip. I was just so excited to get one before Douglas!

DOUGLAS: How is it that you’re so familiar with Just A Minute, anyway, Arthur? I would have thought it was a bit high-brow for you.

ARTHUR: What’s high-brow?

DOUGLAS: Boring.

ARTHUR: Oh. No, I love Radio 4!

CAROLYN: He really does. Loudly.

ARTHUR: I love the one that goes DUM DE-DUM DE-DUM DE-DUM, DUM DE-DUM DE DAAAA-DA!

DOUGLAS: Is that…. The Archers?

ARTHUR: Yeah! That’s it. I can’t really tell them all apart but it’s brilliant. There was one where one of the tired men was going to move a cardboard box–

CAROLYN: He also can’t distinguish parody from the real episodes. Right, off you go, Arthur, 40 seconds.

BING-BONG

ARTHUR: Hello! My name’s Arthur Shappey, and I’m your steward today. You can tell it’s me because of my hat. Wow, I don’t usually get to do proper cabin addresses, this is brilliant! Let’s see, what do they usually say…

BING-BONG

DOUGLAS: Hesitation.

ARTHUR: Oh, yeah. It’s harder than it sounds, isn’t it!

DOUGLAS: You were doing quite well up 'til then, though.

CAROLYN: Yes, well done, Arthur. OK, 29 seconds for Douglas….

BING-BONG

DOUGLAS: On behalf of your cabin crew and the two trained pilots - that’s myself and my esteemed colleague, whose voice you’ve heard previously - I should very much like to express my most fervent wish that the journey you’ve chosen to spend with us today is not only enjoyable, peaceful, relaxing and smooth, but also a good reason upon which to base your decision to travel with us many more times in the future, whether that be for a holiday, a business trip, a romantic getaway or excursion of some other description.

(sound of Carolyn blowing an emergency whistle)

CAROLYN: Time’s up! And it was Douglas talking as the whistle blew, meaning one more point for him.

ARTHUR: Wow, Douglas! You’re just like Paul Merton!

DOUGLAS: I beg to differ. Paul Merton is just like me.

CAROLYN: It was quite impressive, I must say.

MARTIN: Of course you’d win a game where the aim is to listen to the sound of your own voice.

DOUGLAS: A welcome bonus. You’re forgetting that I can win any game.

CAROLYN: All right, the scores. We’ve got Martin and Arthur tying for second place, with one point each–

ARTHUR: Hooray!

CAROLYN: And, to no-one’s surprise - least of all his own - Douglas up in front with three points, making him today’s winner.

ARTHUR: Next time, you should join in, Mum! I can be Nicholas Parsons. (puts on a warbling, “old man” voice) You can have another point, Paul, because we enjoyed your interruption.

DOUGLAS: …Well, the impersonation might need work, but it’s not a bad idea, Carolyn. Shall we start another round?

CAROLYN: Certainly.

BING-BONG