happy st valentine’s day, my friends! i love you all, stay awesome and spread as much love as possible!
now have some poorly photoshopped portal valentine cards for all your portal valentine card needs!
Dak Prescott of the Dallas Cowboys huddles with Jason Witten, Emmett Cleary, Zack Martin, and Doug Free of the Dallas Cowboys against the Philadelphia Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia | Week 17
In the spirit of Halloween, I was messing around with the idea of Portal characters crammed into horror movie archetypes. Here’s the damage:
Caroline: The girl who dies within the first five minutes for the sake of exposition.
GLaDOS: The Killer. The character who’s preceded by some iconic piano riff or other every time they show up on the scene. The ominous setting and utter power disjunction between she and the main cast maintain her as terrifying, despite the fact that she seems to be a bottomless resource of corny one-liners.
Chell: The Final Girl. Weathers out the storm until the very end. Her silence is misconstrued for naivety, making the other characters peg her for “the good girl.” She shows her true colors when things truly start going to hell, her voice rising above everyone else’s as she outlines a plan.
Wheatley: The Nerd. The character that’s meant to be both relatable and a punchline for 75% of the jokes. His tether to the main group of characters is most notable (if not singularly) through Chell. Outstanding personality traits are good ol’ fashioned teenage awkwardness and cowardice. Most likely the first to panic when things begin to go south. His flight instinct carries him ¾ of the way through the film, until he’s inevitably butchered.
Rick: The Jock. He’s a veritable powerhouse, known across a tri-county radius as captain of the varsity *insert sport here* team. Not the most valuable asset though, as he’s earned roughly one concussion for every five pounds of muscle mass. He’s something of a casanova, which is all well and good when you’re trying to climb the social ladder in high school, but running from the sociopath that’s crept into your little suburban bubble becomes a challenge when your pants are constantly around your ankles.
Doug: The Voice of Reason. He’s the only one that truly knows what’s going on. Depending on genre, he’s either the guy who’s extensively studied the mysterious runes, or the erstwhile counselor of the deranged prison escapee. Either way, he’s somehow indirectly correlated to the murders plaguing the town, and has come forth to try and put a stop to them. Is not taken seriously by the police department, despite his bona fides. Because this is a horror movie and logic and reason are not conducive to a hour and a half-long runtime. Survives until the big, “eleventh hour” moment, where he sacrifices himself to help the Final Girl.
Space: The Stoner. Every horror movie has one. His personality is abbreviated to his two-dimensional archetype but, dammit, if the audience doesn’t eat it up like a bunch of baked potatoes satiating their gnarly case of the narrative munchies.
Cave: The Naysayer. The sheriff who’s cocksure that nothing’s actually amiss, despite the fact that he’s been to each and every murder scene. Holds off on calling a state of emergency for the town because *generic financially-driven reason here*. Most likely doesn’t die (not until the very end, at least), simply because his haplessness is what’s allowing GLaDOS to continue her killing spree.
“The Beatles photos are some of my favorites. Every
time I look at them I have to pinch myself and remind myself that I was
really there.” - Doug Elbinger, MLive.com, 29 January 2010
“George put his opinion of the Beatles’ effect on pop music this way: ‘We were right for the time when we came out. The pop scene five years ago was definitely looked upon by “musicians,” put that in brackets, as a dirty word. Pop was just something crumby. Now I think a lot of things in the pop field have more to them.
'We’re very influenced by others in pop music and others are influenced by us… That’s good. That’s the way life is. You’ve got to be influenced and you try to be influenced by the best.’” - “The Beatles: Four Smiling, Tired Guys Talk About Their Music” by Loraine Alterman, Detroit Free Press, 19 August 1966 [x]
Cowboys sign OT Doug Free to three-year, $15M extension
The Dallas Cowboys have agreed to a three-year contract extension with starting right tackle Doug Free, who will avoid free agency, Todd Archer of ESPN reports.
The deal is worth $15 million and includes $6 million in guaranteed money, per the report.
Free, 31, taken in the fourth-round (122nd overall) of the 2007 draft, has been a full-time starter since 2010. He was limited to 11 games last season due to an left ankle injury, which required offseason surgery. He is expected to be at full health for training camp.
Free has spent his entire NFL career with the Cowboys and this contract will likely mean that he finishes his career in Dallas.
This signing is the 3rd free agent move that the Cowboys have already made in advance of the league year opening on Tuesday at 4pm. They’ve already franchise tagged WR Dez Bryant earlier in the week and re-signed WR Cole Beasley to a 4 year deal worth $13.6 million. Demarco Murray remains unsigned and will have the chance to test the free agency waters.
Free was a part of the offensive line that allowed the Cowboys to rush for 2,354 yards in the regular season which was second in the league behind only the Seattle Seahawks.
Cowboys planning to be without OT Doug Free vs. Packers
The Dallas Cowboys are planning to be without starting right tackle Doug Free for Sunday’s game against the Green Bay Packers in the divisional round of the playoffs, the Dallas Morning News reports.
“It’s still going to be tough for Doug to play this week,” Cowboys executive vice president Stephen Jones said. “He’s trying to get back but we’ll just have to see. We’re taking that week by week, but it’s an uphill battle for Doug to get back for this week.”
Free has been dealing with an injured left foot and ankle which has forced him to miss the Cowboys’ last three games. If he is unable to go, Jermey Parnell is likely to remain the starter Sunday.
Head coach Jason Garrett said he thought Parnell “held up fairly well” in this past Sunday’s game against a Detroit Lions stout defensive line.
“At times there was some push in the pocket,” Garrett said. “At times he didn’t block the guy who we wanted him to block. He fought well, battled well. As the game wore on, he probably played a little stronger.”
The Dallas Cowboys have signed Offensive Tackle Doug Free to a 4 year $32 million dollar contract with $17 million guaranteed. With the Cowboys signing Doug Free to a new contract does this mean that the Cowboys are out of the hunt for Cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha?