Prompt: Mulder's thought after Scully left for the ICU and he's still at the crime scene.
Here’s some angsty Mulder inner monologue for you, anon, Thanks for the prompt!
Ficlet: “You Go”
Rating: General Audiences
“You go,” he tells her, his hand squeezing her shoulder, her
body already cold and numb. He turns her
and nudges her like she is learning to ride a two-wheeled bike. He feels a lump in his throat, notices his
hands are shaking as she turns the corner despondently.
He thinks she likes to process things alone. He thinks she wants the sense of security
that business is being conducted as usual, that she is not leaving a hole in
the universe by tending to her own life.
But as he hears the shadow of her footsteps disappear down the hall, he
has to choke down the urge to scramble after her and change his instructions to,
“Let’s go.” He has to remind himself she is not his to
scramble after anymore.
He goes through the motions of the investigation, as he implicitly
promised he would - examining evidence, talking to the cop, even developing
theories. But he reserves a part of his
mind’s eye for Scully. He sees himself
with her – she is resting her forehead on the window as he drives, staring as a
flurry of drab yellows and greens slur by, giving her name hoarsely to the
receptionist at the hospital. He reminds himself she is not his to be with, and
he feels a pang of guilt as he realizes his focus has shifted to his own loss
rather than hers.
The investigation continues, his theories taking on lives of
their own, but he is struggling as Scully must every day not to dismiss it all
as nonsense. It is not that he’s become
skeptical, it’s just that he can only see her.
She is lying in a hospital bed unconscious as he holds vigil.
He has not known her very long, but is already non-functional without her. He foolishly dismisses the power of faith, of
wishing her back alive, while he indulges himself in self-blame. It is Maggie who wakes him up, who sends him
to her. He smiles ruefully to himself -
he had almost killed himself over a girl he could not admit to loving.
She is sitting by his ailing mother’s hospital bed with him,
her voice even and reassuring, stretching to great lengths to unify her beliefs
with his own to give him some sort of honest peace. Even as she annoys him, he is grasping her
hand to remind himself there are things in the world that are untainted.
She is standing before X-rays of her brain, coldly
diagnosing herself. The word cancer flicks like an executioner’s
switch, sending paralyzing fear flowing through his veins. He is crying at her
bedside, the skin on her hand so pale it appears to be dematerializing, her
eyes sunken in dark circles.
She is trapped in glass cage at the bottom of the earth, her
eyes frozen open, her body stripped and jaundiced. He covers her, he carries her, he drags her, he
shivers at the onset of hypothermia, and knows that there is nowhere he
wouldn’t go, no ridiculous thing that he wouldn’t do to keep her safe.
She is cradling him in her arms in his apartment, summoning
the strength to tell him the truth of his mother’s death. She climbs beside him into his bed, fully
clothed, so consumed with helping him that she doesn’t look for a t-shirt to
borrow. She strokes his forehead and his
arm until he falls asleep. He is shaken
awake by his grief, and when he opens his heavy eyelids and sees her still
lying there beside him, skin striped with sunlight coming in the blinds, he
knows eventually he will be okay.
He sees himself panicked and swearing in a flurry of countless near-misses,
moments of seemingly trivial, passing uncertainty when he didn’t know where she
was, or if she was safe, or if she would be sick, or be abducted again, or be
there when he got back, or if she would forgive him… if she would forgive him…
if she would forgive him. He sees her
walking out of their house as he stands there furious with her, with himself,
for letting this happen now that she was finally his to lose.
He turns the car around and cancels his motel
reservation. He speeds up the highway
double-time flashing his badge at more than one state trooper. Emergency,
He feels vulnerable as he approaches the ICU, but he is
willing to be turned away, willing to have to apologize for violating
boundaries – she is worth the risk. When
she looks over, her face is painted in gratitude and relief, and he knows he is
in the right place. And when it is over,
and she is broken, and she says, “Let’s
go to Philadelphia,” he realizes she has never not been his to scramble
after, to be with, to lose.
The Man from Uncle! His name is Robert Kagan and we exchanged presents! After fifty plus years I have my original badge and I can once again “Open Channel D” with the communicator! Robert purchased them at an MGM auction!
I am so happy he has his original badge again! That is so awesome :3 (and may I add he looks amazingly handsome as usual *__*)
The sign boards I got from Moa and from Damurushi; I asked Moa for Absolute Zero Ryouta and Damurushi for The King! Every time I look at these I start absolutely screaming inside. I would have paid double my badge cost for EITHER of these, so combined with the signed hat from the day before… I was basically walking on the moon at this point. Thanks to Moa and Damu for making AOD a con I’ll remember forever!
(Also they each did these in under five minutes. HOW?! I guess when you’re a super high level pigeon you can do things like that…)