John Egbert: why on god’s green earth would you fight John Egbert??? He just wants his friends to get along. Look at him, he’s just a big dork baby with glasses. He’d probably just offer to shake your hand with a shock buzzer on. Besides, kid’s fucking ripped. Giant hammers, expected to lift a safe, homeboy may not have beef w u, but he has BEEF. He’s been plagued by nightmares his whole life he already hates himself more than you Don’t fight him.
Rose Lalonde: think to yourself very carefully. Rose Lalonde is ready to rip imps and ogres apart at a moment’s notice. She’ll psyche you out without saying a word. She will kick ur ass. She has a vampire wife. Do NOT unless ur prepared. U must be prepared.
Dave Strider: no!!!! He has had enough fighting!!! Let!!!! Him!!!!! Live!!!!!
Jade Harley: raised by an aggressive dog God and always carrying guns. This should not have to be explained. That smile is deceptive.
Jane Crocker: Jane looks sweet and soft but honey she is READY 2 THROW DOWN. Her dad had to use a fridge to ground her and she sent a table 360 flipping through the air with one arm. She’s emotionally vulnerable, but that could turn on you REAL FAST. Be wary.
Roxy Lalonde: she could go for a few rounds, but literally why???? Roxy has gone through enough hardship and killed the Condesce leave her alone.
Dirk Strider: You could. And prolly win if ur good enough. But do you really want to??? He hates himself more than you could imagine. He’d beat himself up. Shits gone pear shaped straight up decapitate him he don’t give a FUCK.
Jake English: he’d love a round of fisticuffs. Mano el Mano. And he’d be so cheery and such a good sport about it. Fight Jake English. But friendly fight him. Being his enemy is dangerous.
what the kids would be doing if they actually went to highschool
john is a theater kid, but not a Theater Kid - he’s just there to get his elective credit filled out and get training for a career in showbiz. he does standup at the local theater. carries out an eight-week prank war against the mean teachers under the alias “mr. egg”
rose runs the school newspaper and has at least 3 private writing blogs. also started her own poetry magazine for the nsfw 8000-word sapphic monologues the school wouldn’t let her publish and called it “Much Done About Nothings” to spite censorship. passes 5 AP classes without showing up once.
dave has his own radio show and does morning announcements; later on, after around junior year, he starts dj’ing at parties and cafes. takes dance classes to kill time after school and ends up teaching beginner’s hip-hop to freshmen; joins manga club ironically but ends up bonding with a lot of the people there
jade starts a gardening club and crowdfunds solar panels for the greenhouse; takes an all-AP roster and somehow has hours to spare. 4 years on colorguard, 3 years of honor roll. is on a first name basis with literally every teacher, that one kid who’s always down to give you a ride (i.e. The Best Kid)