Hi there, my name is Sasha and I’d appreciate it if you’d take a moment to read this, if not, tl;dr at the bottom.
I’m a 19 year old girl living with severe anxiety, depression, my pup, and an abusive father.
For years, his abuse and attitude towards me has been grating down on me, which has not only worsened my depression and anxiety, but has led me to have frequent suicidal thoughts, caused me to self-harm, and caused me to develop multiple eating disorders. He always puts me second to his girlfriend. He leaves me alone at home with no food in the house, and the times he does buy food for me, it’s cheap and unhealthy, even though I’ve told him multiple times I’m not comfortable with eating the junk he buys for me. I’ve had to endure him screaming at me (sometimes in public) while I hid my face and sobbed in front of him. He’s done this to me on multiple vacations, too, and has led me to believe that I ruin everything; that I am a burden. Coupling this with my nonexistent self-esteem and my depression often leads me feeling dreadful and hateful. He makes me want to kill myself.
He doesn’t understand how depression or anxiety work at all. He yells at me when I cry, he tells me he gets pissed off when I start tearing up. He yells at me for being sad or visibly upset. He yells at me for feeding my dog in the house, he yells at me when he gets home and she’s in my room (even though I keep her with me to help with my anxiety and loneliness). He calls me lazy and dirty and tells me he doesn’t care for what I want. He tells me to “get over myself” and to “stop being so sad all the time; you have nothing to be sad about”. He thinks my mental illness is an “excuse”. He says all of this even though he knows I have diagnosed depression. He knows I’ve spent time in a mental hospital, he knows I’ve attempted suicide. I get tense and extremely scared when he gets home or when he comes in my room. He abuses me because he’s sick of my depression and anxiety. He tries to guilt me to do things and he tries to emotionally manipulate me. I’ve had nightmares of him beating me.
His abuse and neglect also applies to animals Because of him, my two dogs passed away in the summer of last year. I will keep out the details, but it broke my heart to experience two animal deaths within mere months of each other, and it hurt even more knowing I could have saved them if not for my father’s neglect.