don't you ever feel lost

10

amelia shepherd + violet turner
     ↳ private practice 6x03 – good grief

anonymous asked:

Do you ever feel lost like you don't know why you're feeling the way you do? My heart feels so heavy by the end of the day & I don't know what's making me feel this way. Love your writing btw.

I do, sweetie. I can’t remember when was the last time I don’t. And for me it’s still okay. Because eventually we will find our ways. I hope the best for you sweetie. Please be fine. Thank you so much for the love. 💓

When I was four,
all I wanted were new dolls that I could dress up
in any way I wanted to.
I would wash them, brush their hair,
and delicately place clothes on them
(because don’t you take care of the ones you want?)
When I turned five and started kindergarten,
all I wanted was to learn
because I became fascinated with numbers and letters
and how you can form new words depending on
how you arrange the letters,
with each word standing for something different
(and don’t you sometimes wish you are something different?)
Then I turned thirteen,
and I learned the difference between who I see in the mirror
and who I want people to see me as
(because isn’t there a difference?)
When I was fifteen,
all I wanted were stamps of people’s approval
to ink on my body, and new skins to clothe myself in
(and can’t you sometimes hear that small voice in the back
of your head telling you that no matter what you do,
you’ll never find the right skin?)
I was seventeen
when I had my heart broken for the first time.
It was summer,
and she was the sunshine, not me.
It was then that I realized I wanted
a hand to mold against mine
and a pair of lips to whisper my name tenderly
(because don’t you wish for someone’s heart to beat
the letters of your name this time around?)
I’m turning nineteen,
and I don’t know what I want anymore
because I’m not the naive little girl who cherished
dressing herself up to fit in,
or the young girl who wanted to learn
the different versions of herself,
or the teenager who longed to find herself in the mirror,
to tattoo people’s words on her skin,
and to cover herself up with layers,
or the girl who lost her heart when someone
saw even a slightest beauty in her
(but sometimes, I think I’m still all of those things,
and that scares me more than
not knowing what I want).