don't need a man to be happy

Humans Are Weird

It is well established among all sentient species that Humans are Weird. Exceptional Humans, however, make the regular humans seem almost tame in comparison.
Yatrov was to show the newest crew member- another Human- “the ropes”, as Human Jenny phrased it.
Upon arriving, however, the newest Human barely spared xir even a glance, which was odd, seeing how Humans prize interaction above all else. Shrugging it off, xe delicately held out a clawed hand to engage in the Human positive-meeting greeting, a “hand-shake” it was aptly named. “I am known as Yatrov, in Human Common tongue. I am sorry to say that I was unable to read your file report, and am thus left without your name. What is it you wish to be called?” Yatrov was genuinely sorry; the ship was in dire need of repairs, and this Human was coming to help.
Instead of taking the proffered hand, the human’s brown eyes stared into xi’s own violet. “I am Giovanni. And you are approximately 7 minutes late. I do not fault you for your tardiness, your job is a busy one, so your apologies are void. I do not need to see the entirety of this ship, I only require the engine room. Take me there and I will begin repairs immediately. Social niceties and other such meaningless things can be done at a later date, if done they must be at all.”
Yatrov felt somewhat slighted; xe’s species did not greet with touch, but it was seen as an insult- a social misdemeanor- to deny the shaking of hands. Attributing it to the Human having been under circumstances that made him “cranky” and to the fact that the Human was excited to work- humans forgot norms when excited, xe had found- Yatrov continued to try to create a pack-bond with this Human, “I have heard many great things about you.”
“Truly?” The Human considered this for a moment, head tilting, “I am merely faster than most, mentally. A marathoner or racer is not spoken of in as high-esteem as those with quick mental facilities are, are they?” The Human was speaking out loud, xe found this practice odd and ignored it. “What exactly have you heard?” The Human tapped their legs with their fingers, adopting a rhythm unknown to xir, and hummed. 
Arrogance or curiosity? “Admittedly, not much has been told. I know that you have several thesis papers, have repaired and improved upon numerous ships, and that you were good enough that our captain was surprised that you even bothered to consider joining our crew.”
“Huh.” And that was that. Giovanni did not speak after that, made no effort to communicate. Giovanni did not try to obtain physical contact. Giovanni remained aloof with even Human crewmates long after he had joined. He also remained fidgety, seemingly unable to keep still, unless it was to engage in a staring contest with the resident cat- to keep the Humans from adopting a weird, deadly creature- or to continue his single-minded work with machinery.
Three weeks after he had joined, the ship was attacked. Vernians boarded the ship, using their many appendages to apprehend multiple members of The Highlight- the ship- at once. No one knew where Giovanni was, and no one would have been surprised if he had left to save his own hide.
Which was precisely why everyone, who were all bound and trying to negotiate with what was essentially pirates, was surprised when Giovanni came around the corner, a knocked out Vernian held under gun point.
Guns pointed at him, Vernians shifted to attack him. “What you need to know: firstly, I have hacked into your language processors. All Vernae will sound like gibberish.” He paused, then grinned ferally. “Try”, he dared.
“Kir-ah?!” They did, and did not seem pleased with the results.
“Back! Restore!” the voices of Vernians screeched, their language translators on the fritz. 
“Secondly,” he paused, “I will shoot your friend if you do not release my own.” When an uproar of shouting started again, he blandly stated, “Blank point will be quite messy, won’t it?” He hummed, as though in thought, though his eyes trailed after every movement the Vernians made.
A smaller one, likely emotionally closer to the Vernian Giovanni was holding captive,  pounced.
ZZZZZT-PA! The Vernian howled, two of its 11 “arms” gone. “My threat is not idle.”
The room quieted, members of the Highlighter slowly being released.
“Thirdly.” His lips pursed, his nose tilted, sneer deadly, “Run, and pray that I never see you again!” He shot a wall, and they scattered, leaving the crew of The Highlighter mostly unscathed.
It was hours later, after the chaos was settled and the ship fixed up again, that Yatrov approached Giovanni.
“Why did you save us?”
Giovanni scrunched his thick eyebrows together, “Why ever would I not?”
“You make no attempt to communicate with us.” Yatrov insisted, trying to discover the reason Giovanni would do something without some sort of gain.
“Oh, that.” He dismissively waved his hand, his face again lax and bored. “I do not see the point in wasting words. I enjoy the presence of the crew, and- while I see no point in engaging in it- their idle chatter is amusing to listen to.” He raised an eyebrow, “Why do you ask?”
“The crew operated under the belief that you disliked us.” Yatrov felt a small bit of shame; clearly, Yatrov had been wrong to assume that all Humans were so similar.
“I-” He looked hurt, eyes filling with water- tears, they were called, and Yatrov knew that this was not a good sign. His lips twitched, his words near whispered, “Did you not consider me a friend? I thought we were.” He had begun nervously threading his fingers, humming lightly.
“I thought you disliked me.” Yatrov’s admission only increased xir’s guilt, and the slight tremors of the Humans smaller body.
“I made you and the others a new computer.” Giovanni’s eyes searched Yatrov’s one, and again found no solace. A computer did not equate to friendship. “I *made* you and the others a new computer.” The emphasis hit Yatrov. Why would one handmake something if the person receiving it did not matter to them.
“I am sorry.” Yatrov paused, xe had seen it in a Human film once, maybe…? “Can we start over?” A small nod eased Yatrov’s mind and reaffirmed xir’s decision. “I am the one known as Yatrov, and I enjoy reading: fiction, typically.” Xe did not hold out his hand, but stared Giovanni right in the eye.
The smirk on Giovanni’s face told xir that the actions- or lack there of- was not missed. “I am known as Giovanni.” He held out his hand, looking smug and slightly proud of remembering this, as their hands clasped, he said, “I enjoy sandwhiches, science, and conversations on how realistic or achievable a work of fiction can be. It will be a pleasure to work with you.”

Humans were odd, but exceptional Humans lived by a very different set of rules. Intelligence changed their perceptions. Yatrov knew, from personal experience, that they were still Human, still fantastic and horrifying, at their core. Yatrov put down the book xe was reading, looking up to watch Giovanni’s animated expressions as he ranted about machinery. Yes, truly, Humans are Weird.


(Please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes, my hand has been cramping up lately and it is hard to write at the moment. And I should not be writing sci-fi, because it is NOT my forte, but I had a plot-bunny and felt the need to attempt it. This is basically a shortened version of what I wanted to write, skipping over much of what I actually wanted to put down. Feel free to take the general idea and write something better XD )

The Foxes as things my roommates have said
  • Renee: (when asked if she could beat us in a fight) Well I didn't want to brag but I could destroy all of you.
  • Kevin: I have training in the morning but that's for sober me to worry about.
  • Andrew: I only like two things in life: being gay and getting into fights. And I just got done being gay.
  • Aaron: I'm going to the library. If you see me there, please pretend you didn't.
  • Nicky: oh man you're heterosexual? what a shame. what a fucking shame.
  • Dan: My mom was artificially inseminated. I didn't need a man to be born and I don't need one now.
  • Matt: You guys are my friends and I love you but you're fucking idiots.
  • Neil: I'm starting to realize I didn't have a happy childhood. Should I, like, see a therapist or something?
  • Allison: I'd invite you to thanksgiving at my family's summer home in Vermont but I can't let you see me and my family wear matching polo shirts and khakis
  • Bonus from my RA:
  • David: I want you all to consider me a friend! But also remember that I can get you kicked out so don't pull any shit.
  • Abby: No need to call 911. I have some bandaids in my room and also some vodka but don't tell anyone about that.
  • Bee: You can talk to me at any time, day or night. But I know you won't, you emotionally stunted bastards.
Blurryface
  • Heavydirtysoul: "this is not rap" ARE YOU SURE TYLER?! ARE YOU REALLY SURE?! + street poetry lyrics I'm crying
  • Stressed out: insecurity + anti-capitalist vibes
  • Ride: reggae-techno-emo-rap
  • Fairly local: that one high note. You know what I'm talking about.
  • Tear in my heart: the cutesy love song we all need TBH
  • Lane boy: remember when you thought the ode to sleep rap was hard? AHAHAHAHAHA
  • The judge: weird ass noise in the beginning + ukulele + freeeeEEEEEEEE
  • Doubt: k but the beginning part sound like cats meowing really fast
  • Polarize: low key makes it feel like you're in a rap video
  • We don't believe what on tv: JOSHHHHHHHHH + YEYEYE
  • Message man: chill af + dat bassline tho
  • Hometown: supercool alt-rock vibes
  • Not today: "this ones a contradiction because of how happy it sounds" LIKE ALL YOUR FUCKIN MUSIC?!?! THIS IS WHY IM SO EMOTIONALLY CONFUSED
  • Goner: I'm crying AGAIN + the tiNY BEAN IS SCREAMING AGAIN
3

terrible tiny man/ dinosaur. i hate this. this probably isn’t canon but it is in my heart.

  • Sangwoo: You don't have the right or the need to regret what you did. You never had a happy past anyway. You were ridiculed and bullied all your life. And now you've escaped that life...Because for the first time, you did something for yourself. Congrats Mr. Murderer.
  • Yoon Bum: Sangwoo...
  • Sangwoo: And you're finally accepting that you want to fuck the man you kidnapped because he reminds you of your dead mother
  • Yoon Bum: what the fuck
  • Lucy: Okay guys, we don't know what it says in this book, but let's open it. *she opens the book*
  • Happy: It says "tell Lucy how I feel about her and hopefully not fuck it up."
  • Gray: Well that ruined the surprise now.
  • Lucy: ...*she keeps on speed reading through it* HOW DOES HE FEEL?!
  • Gray: NO LUCY, HE NEEDS TO BE A MAN AND TELL YOU!
  • Lucy: I MUST KNOW!
"Family" - starkquill

This is a mix between 616 and MCU Universes. Basically, it’s my own Universe. Yeah, the one where Tony Stark is happy.

Sometimes, when life blows up in his face as usual, Tony thinks that this old communicator is the only thing that keeps him sane.

Keep reading

Me meeting Rick Riordan
  • Me: Hey wassup Ricky mah maaan. Hey so you know I was wonderin' if maybe you could write another book... I mean don't get me wrong all the other books you've written so far are great but... I need more Percabeth and get more of those gay ships in there that shits real good. And don't forget, I want it to have so much fluff I feel like a teddy bear just swallowed me and I'm in its fluffy belly. You know what I'm talking bout, I also need some making out in there, not necessarily Rated R action but I do want some shirtless making out in there that shit's hot. Anyway man you gonna make me happy?
  • Rick Riordan: Well unfortunately, I cannot do that because these are supposed to be children's books but if that's what you're into you know where to find it.
  • Me: Ye I know what u mean
  • Me: *goes on fanfiction.net*
Renamed Musicals:
  • American Idiot: Broadway Goes Punk Rock The Musical
  • Book of Mormon: How Many People Can We Offend The Musical
  • Cabaret: Plot Twist The Musical
  • Cats: Don't. Stop Right There. The Musical
  • Chicago: What Red Lipstick Sounds Like The Musical
  • The Drowsy Chaperone: Man in Chair Needs A Hug The Musical
  • A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder: Murdering Your Family Helps You Get Laid Twice as Much The Musical
  • Hedwig and the Angry Inch: Glitter and Feelings The Musical
  • Into the Woods: If You Want Happy Endings Stop After Act 1 The Musical
  • Les Miserables: All His Friends Are Dead The Musical
  • The Lion King: Nants Ingonyama Bagithi Baba The Musical
  • Newsies: Broadway Equivalent of a Boy Band The Musical
  • Next to Normal: We Put the FUN in Dysfunctional The Musical
  • The Phantom of the Opera: How Has This Creepy Fucking Show Lasted 3000 Years The Musical
  • Rent: Mark Will Forever Be Alone The Musical
  • Rock of Ages: Isn't One Time More Than Enough... The Musical
  • Side Show: American Horror Story Freak Show The Musical
  • Shrek: You Thought It'd Be Bad But It's Actually Great The Musical
  • The Sound of Music: You Can't Top Julie Andrews So Stop Trying The Musical
  • Spring Awakening: Sexual Frustration The Musical
  • Violet: No One Ever Actually Says She's Beautiful and I'm Mad!?! The Musical
  • Wicked: Elphaba Thropp is Really Fucking Important The Musical [ps gelphie]
If Jamie and Claire (and Fergus and Marsali) could text: First chapters of Drums of Autumn Edition
  • Marsali: FOR THE RECORD
  • Fergus: oh mon dieu not again
  • Marsali: OH AYE
  • Claire: told you so, fergus
  • Marsali: THIS AGAIN
  • Fergus: Milady you are not helpful
  • Marsali: I am STILL NOT PLEASED with being left behind like this
  • Claire: let the record ALSO state that Mother Claire was on your side
  • Claire: but that male-r heads prevailed
  • Fergus: chérie, come now, you understand why it had to be this way
  • Marsali: oh I most certainly DO ken why
  • Fergus: then no need to fash, non?
  • Marsali: because you needed a break from your pregnant wife
  • Fergus: !!!! That's not fair,
  • Claire: it does raise that question
  • Fergus: Milady pleasssse tais-toi
  • Fergus: and marsalou, mon amour, you KNOW that is not the case
  • Marsali: and HEAVEN FORBID you should stay here WI ME YOURSELF
  • Fergus: mo chridhe,
  • Marsali: NAE
  • Marsali: YOUVE CHOSEN GALAVANTING ABOUT LIKE PAUPERS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
  • Claire: to be fair we do have gemstones,
  • Marsali: TO BEING THERE FOR THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD
  • Claire: so we're gallivanting like non-liquid princes
  • Marsali: WELL I HOPE YOURE HAPPY WHEN I DIE IN CHILDBED
  • Fergus: chèrie, don't even SAY that
  • Marsali: just you WATCH ME
  • Fergus: mo ghraidh please don't
  • Claire: Marsali dear you're going to be fine
  • Fergus: See, milady herself says
  • Claire: ...but I do fail to see why a man would CHOOSE to be away from his sweet wife in her time of need 🤔
  • Fergus: 😡😡😡😡😡
  • Jamie: FOR THE LOVE OF BRIDE
  • Jamie: I CANNA ABIDE GROUP CHATS
  • Jamie: I leave for a quarter hour and notifications to last me to samhain
  • Jamie: MARSALI, DINNA DIE
  • Jamie: AND CEASE THIS MAUDLIN DRIVEL
  • Jamie: WE DID WHAT WE ALL THOUGHT BEST
  • Claire: except for mE!
  • Jamie: FERGUS, AYE, YE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE STAYED ON JAMAICA
  • Jamie: SSNCH, STOP STIRRING THE GD POT
  • Claire: 😁😁😁
  • Jamie: IAN, YOU'RE BEING AWFULLY QUIET WHERE IN BLOODY HELL ARE YE
  • Ian: across town playing cards
  • Jamie: oh for the love of
  • Ian: AND GUESS WHAT WON A WOLF AND GONNA KEEP HIM!!!!!!!!
  • Jamie: WTFH
  • Claire: Of COURSE you did
  • Marsali: Oh I see, so a WOLF is fine but no pregnant ladies allowed??
  • Fergus: YOU ARE MISSING LE POINT CENTRAL
  • Jamie: we're NOT keeping a wolf Ian
  • Ian: oh but we are 😊
  • Claire: if I had to guess, I'll wager we are
  • Fergus: QUI IS THAT IL NEST PAS SAFE POUR LE BAIRN
  • Marsali: THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU IT WILL NEST PAS BE SAFE POUR *YOU*, CONNARD!!!
  • Ian: oh you guys canna name the bairn Rollo okay?
  • Ian: cause that's the dog's name
  • Marsali: aww that's adorable, Ian! Send a pic?
  • Jamie: afckingdhiathisfamily
How Anatole Fucked Shit up for every War and Peace character who shows up in Great Comet
  • Natasha: Manipulated her and used her and tricked her into ruining her life and nearly ending it. Destroyed her life. Seriously.
  • Hélène: Alright, take a second and think about Hélène. Why do you think she married Pierre? Love? Nah. She married him for his cash and neither of them were happy. I don't hold this against Pierre, who at least at first, truly tried to be a good husband. In the book, it's made evident that the whole reason Hélène needs to marry a man as rich as Pierre is because her father is broke. Why is his father broke? Cuz Anatole has spent all his money gambling and seducing women. So yeah. Anatole's fault.
  • Andrey Bolkonsky: Okay this one is easy. It's pretty straightforward but it's even sadder if you look at War and Peace, where it's abundantly clear that Andrey is a profoundly unhappy man and some of the only happiness he has in the book is with Natasha. And Anatole was at least partially responsible for taking that away from him.
  • Balaga: Never pays him? Like I know Balaga doesn't ask for pay but I still feel like paying him would be good. Also he gets him really drunk while he's driving. Honestly he doesn't do much to be responsible for Balaga's problems because Balaga is not important enough to have problems.
  • Fedya Dolokhov: Well in the book he never really gets his shit fucked up by Anatole but I'll say two things, one of which is that, Anatole doesn't listen to him when he is like the only person who tries to help him and keep him from being a bag of shit, and secondly, in the musical, since the duel was moved from Volume II Part I to Part V, it creates the implication that Natasha's love letter from Anatole was written by Dolokhov while he lay ill at his mother's recovering from a gunshot wound which is not, I'm sure, the ideal time to write a love letter.
  • Marya "Mary" Bolkonsky: Um alright this wasn't totally his fault just cuz it would have been a terrible situation for everyone but Anatole was supposed to be married to Mary but within like ten minutes of meeting with her already started hitting on her friend which was generally just a really mean move, and really hurt her already poor self image.
  • Marya Dmitrieva Akhrosimova: Marya is really a strong protective figure and she tries really hard to be good to Natasha and it's really sad that she has to feel like a failure because Anatole is a lying manipulative ass.
  • Old Prince Nikolai Bolkonsky: (I put in his name cuz I just like to note @ tolstoy fight me for including three separate Nikolais two of whom are named Nikolai Andreevich Bolkonsy. Fuck you.) Doesn't really have a lot of problems but I'll say even though he's batshit and not the best father that is really the only job he has at this point is being a father? And just like. Look what Anatole did to his kids.
  • Pierre Bezukhov: Okay, I know I've already said Helene was unhappy in the marriage, but Helene was a terrible wife who cheated on him a lot and wasted his life away and make no excuses was the main cause of his alcoholism and depression. But she never would have married him if Anatole didn't make Prince Vassily (his father) broke. Also the first person in the book to put a drink in his hand is Anatole, who says "finish it" even though Pierre says he does not want to.
  • Sonya Rostova: Endangered her closest friendship, with Natasha who I say again, though she still shared responsibility for her infidelity, was manipulated.

💖Happy Valentine’s Day to all the single girls and guys out there. Look after yourself, buy yourself a box of chocolates, share a bottle of wine with your fiends (or by yourself) and remember you do not need a partner to be considered complete. You are 100% perfect all by yourself 💖

Originally posted by stefanieshank