I don’t want to be in a relationship where we’re just going through the motion of it all just because it’s comfortable, safe, and familiar. I’m not looking for simple motions but rather moves that are life changing and monumental. I’d rather it end before we amount to simple gestures.
I’m starting to write criticisms for my Literature classes. For the first one, we’re going to be using Deconstruction. It is an exciting one, deconstruction, but I’m probably going to be a bit insane in a few hours. I’ve decided to use it on The Ugly Duckling by H.C. Andersen. Game on, Derrida.
I was making this video for Raj and I couldn’t stop crying. It was a pretty stressful week and he comes swooping in and making me happy. It’s the kind of happiness that’s scary… that kind when you feel like something bad is gonna happen to you next. (Like I wasn’t having a shitty week already.)
This overwhelming feeling of being in love made me feel so carefree, once upon a time. Now, with much dismay, it scares me a lot. When you know you’re this weak and you allow yourself to be this open and vulnerable, just because of one person. And when it hurts you, there is really no one or nothing to blame. The way he makes me all crazy for him, in good and bad ways. As if I’m not crazy enough already.
And you kinda want to just open your body and take your heart and brain out and show it to him and be like, “Here take a look at how much I love you.” It’s this unimaginable feeling that you just want him to see because you can’t believe it yourself. It’s too overwhelming sometimes that you feel like you need to break a piece of your heart and ask someone to hold it for you because it’s too much, it’s just too much.
It’s beautiful and it’s tiring and it’s amazing and it’s crazy.
This is not the first time I’ve been in love. ’m all grown up now and I’ve had these love stories before but it just amazes me how, no matter how many times you fall in love, with one or a lot, it can still manage to feel like it is the first time you fell in love.
In the midst of exhaustion, hopelessness, and unfortunate events, I know that with just one hug.. just one freaking hug from you.. I know that it’ll be okay.
Because I owe this to a few people, including myself.
1. Most comforting place, smell, sound and memory?
Libraries. My bed. Rooftops. Backs. The smell of old books, new linens, the sea, fields, and skins of familiarity. The sounds of Pachelbel Canon in D, Coraline (film), the rain Alyssa sleeping. Those moments when I woke up with someone I love(d) beside me. My dad’s smile and laugh.
2. Your ambitions as a child and your ambitions now
I’m a dreamer. I wanted to be so many things when I was a kid. I always felt like I could do if not everything, almost anything. Now I am still a dreamer but with more consideration. There is being an interior designer, buliding my own library/bookshop, a backpacker, a writer … but to be honest, I just want to be contented and have two jobs, one that will help me financially and one that I will do solely for myself. I don’t want to limit myself with a career or two. I’d love to be able to learn about every possible thing, regardless if I am good at it or not. Science, a little bit of Law, a handful of Philosophy and History, a punch of extreme sports, Engineering would be lovely, and etc.
3. Biggest fear
Being forgotten. Disappointing the people that I love. Not being able to travel. Needles. Dependency.
4. Qualities you would like in a partner (if you would like one)
Humor. Good conversations. Audacity. Maturity. Control and balance, because I lack that. Challenge.
5. Traits you couldn’t put up with in a partner (if you would like one)
When it comes to a point, pride. Unhygienic (I do not mind dirty, everyone gets dirty but that is different from not putting any effort to be clean. I mean, it’s primarily for his own good.) A major stick in the mud.
6. What is the worst thing you have done to another person? (Let them down, lied, faked love etc)
Betrayal, I suppose.
7. What are your worst traits and features?
My lovely ability to complicate things. Sensitivity. Being emotional. Too considerate. Sarcasm. My brain.
Physically, I have unnecessarily complained (or people have teased me) about my nose, my eyes, my breasts, my height. But at the end of the day, I don’t really care.
8. What are your best traits and features?
… My lovely ability to complicate things. Sensitivity. Enthusiasm and appreciation for things. Empathy. Sarcasm. My brain.
No idea, to be honest. But, I happen to like my lips.
9. How would you explain your idea of ‘true love’?
When you just want to love and take care of someone without wanting or asking anything in return.
10. The biggest mistake you’ve made.
11. Are you rational or more emotional?
I lean a little more to the emotional side. I don’t miss the chance to be rational though. The other side is exhausting.
12. Do you think you’re very conscious of the feelings of others or more self oriented?
Too conscious that it kills me sometimes.
13. Greatest achievement personally.
Being able to make a path of my own and not follow someone else’s.
14. If you struggle to sleep at night, what do you do to try and soothe yourself to sleep?
I mean, I try to do things but I think I haven’t found a permanent solution. I usually just tire/knock myself out by thinking more, talking about anything possible, just staying up. Music is lovely though, from time to time. Oh and putting Coraline on does wonders too.
15. What irritates you most about society?
Basically, either losing its senses or having someone/something control their own. Awareness of unawareness of awareness.
16. When you compliment someone, what do you tend to focus on? (Looks, intelligence, personality…)
17. Think of your oldest friend. If you met them now do you think you would still become friends?
I’d hope so.
18. Something you love to do, but feel guilty about after/during?
Gluttony and lust. Over-thinking.
19. Would you like children in the future. If so why?
Yup. Because I want to. (because I don’t want to give a serious answer now)
This is possibly the most exhausting and longest roller coaster ride in my entire life. So far. And as the people around me will celebrate my birthday in two days, I feel like it’s time to get off this ride. But not before I spill my heart out.
From the mornings that I wake up, feeling lost. When you wake up and the first feeling that you get is shitty. Like you slept while your heart is breaking. Like your heart has given up already even before your day starts.
From the wild nights, when your best friends or your sisters take you out and you go crazy. You drown yourself with alcohol, with food you can barely enjoy, with the laughs that you put so much effort on. You dance the night away, temporarily surrendering your feelings to the music and the bass eats your body.
From the after parties, that moment you’re back in bed and you annoy your friends on the phone or watch that new tv series or pick up a new book hoping it’ll tire you out completely to sleep. But time passes, your book finishes and your friends have to do something, and the next thing you know, it’s 5am and all that alcohol is out of your system and all the feelings rush in.
From that last bedtime hour before your body gives up on you, when you cry yourself to sleep. You get mad at your tears telling them to stop but they won’t so they keep coming.
From the okay days, when the strong you keeps pushing you on and telling you to just survive the day. But in the middle of the day, or some random fucking moment while you’re working or doing whatever, you suddenly want to cry. Like you heart decides to be funny and surprises you. And you keep going on, because you really need to finish your work or you’re in a room surrounded by people, “No stop, please not now, why now, please”.
From the Friday nights, when you’re glad the week is over and you decide that you will stay home and relax. You feel contented and strong. You put on your music, and you dance around the room like a goddess. You sing your heart out because you got the eye of a tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire. You feel amazing, because you know you are. You feel beautiful, with all those battle scars and that exhaustion.
From the moments you decide you’re angry. You get mad at the world. You sing along to crazy mad songs and tell the world to fuck off. You’re mad because you’re tired. You’re mad because everything’s changed. You’re mad because your hair is as wrecked as your heart.
From the easy mornings, when you feel grateful. You appreciate the little things. You appreciate what you have. You stop and tell yourself, “The world must be trying to teach me something.” You realize how far you’ve gotten and you just keep thanking for every single thing.
From the Sunday nights that you feel so in love. So so damn in love, you just want to tell the whole world. You laugh at yourself, “Damn Julia, you’re hurt but you’re so in love.” And it feels so good. Because you know it takes a lot of strength to still be in love after being so hurt. To be grateful that you are.
From the 3ams when your demons attack you. Doubts. Insecurities. Fears. Pain. Foolishness. “Julia, look at you, you know you’re being so stupid right?” And they keep hurting and hurting you. And no one’s gonna rescue you but yourself. They’re your demons, not theirs. They stab your broken heart, like it hasn’t been already. They attack your brain and put all those thoughts. And you feel like giving up. White flags everywhere, so please just stop.
From the moments that they all talk to you and tell you that you are being stupid for the wrong things. That they make you realize that you didn’t really lose; that you didn’t really lose him. Amazing reassurances. You realize that he still loves you and cares for you and you probably still mean the world to him. And you laugh at yourself, “Oh Julia, what have you been doing? What were you crying for? You just keep hurting yourself, not him.” It’s all you. It’s all on you.
That’s how my life has been lately. A constant shower of all the feelings you can possibly feel. But it’s definitely better. Of course it is. I’ve survived all that and I still am. But to be able to face all of that pain and fear and happiness and to be standing up at the end of the day? It builds you up to a better thing. Whatever that thing is. Now, I have to just keep living. Maybe we do need this time to think about what we really want and need. To be able to get pass this challenge and be much better people, even if it means we are not getting back together. Maybe it’s better this way. The pain is still there, oh it definitely is. But there is a huge difference between giving up and knowing you’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of hurting myself when I don’t really have to. It’s time to accept the fact that we are still in love with each other but things have changed. Embrace the changes and hope for the better. I’ve cried my million hearts out. I’ve loved like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve done my best.
Today as I shared laughs and sweet silences with you, I realized one thing: that there are two Julias when it comes to love.
The first one is the little girl who falls in love for the first time. She’s the one with the pure heart and the overflowing feelings. She’s the one who sees life in colors. The one who giggles at every little joke and cries at every silly thing. The insecure and naive girl who falls in love with your every word, your hands, the way you sleep, your little whispers and sighs, and every little thing about you. She’s the believer of goddamned forevermore and sweet promises. She’s the one who craves your every touch and yearns for every second of your time. That lost puppy who follows you and brings you these adorable little nonsensical things. The one who smiles and laughs easily. The fragile little creature that every mother and father looks after because she thinks with her heart and moves with every beat of it. She’s blind with you.
Then there is the that other girl who falls, not so much in love, but in fear. She’s the one with the broken hearts and those love scars that she will keep hiding. The confident one who will walk around with walls and such careful steps. She’s the one who covers herself with doubtful wishes and a fistful of regret. The one who loves with her mind and then eventually yours. She’s that strong woman who guards her pride. She hates being too mushy and weak. That girl who steps back with every possibility of hurt and mistake. She sees you as a challenge to herself because she thinks she knows every promises you’ll make and every touch you’ll give. She’s grateful but scared. She let you in but push you back much further, and that’s her dance. The love she has she pours over everything and everyone. She will have these strong infatuations with fictional characters, productivity, different scenarios with different people, words, adventures, shoes, and so on. She will fall in love with every possible thing and you’ll love her for that. You’re blind for her.
When I met you, my heart was broken. You saw the second girl and you fell in love with her. I loved you for your arms that held me and welcomed me and took care of me, but I did not give you everything. You knew that as well as I do. There were no lies, of course, but there were walls. You fought your way in and stayed outside when it got so hard. But you never left. I watched you as you reached out for more until I was fighting too. I fought myself and I broke the walls with you. With time and distance we took them down, one by one.
And now we’re here. Now you’ve met the first girl. For the first time in my life, I am both girls. That is why I got so overwhelmed; here I am, stronger than ever but falling madly in love at the same time. I have become such a compelling woman and yet, I carry with me the weakness of that first girl. I see myself do these crazy stupid things for you and I get mad and scared. I can’t do this, I can’t do that. This is not what I should be doing, is what I tell myself every day. I have been fighting myself for weeks but now it’s over. I’m done.
If I am in love then I am in love. If I look stupid doing some things, then to hell with them. If I am willing to do so much for you, then I will. If I cry easily or laugh easily, then I will. If I miss you every second of my every day, then I will. I am tired of fighting both girls. I am going to be both girls. I will love you as careful and as madly as I can. I will be strong and I will be weak. I have loved people with all my heart but I will love you with all of me and with all of my life. But most importantly, I will love myself as much as I love you and nothing less.
This is how I love.
With every bit of hope and faith, I hope you will let me. Because I love you, like crazy.
Well here’s the thing, dear Julia. When you get a really crappy day, all you have to do is eat ice cream, forgive everyone and everything, and sleep. You don’t have to smile. You can’t lie to yourself. It’s a bad day. Scream the tension out, curse the table or that tree, make out with sad music, and make sarcastic jokes. But you can’t make this into a war. Again, you can’t lie to yourself. Choose your battles well; everyone has shitty days. Just make it better. And if you’re tired, then just end your day. Don’t beat yourself up too much when tomorrow could be different. So eat and cry and write and shout and then just stop. Do nothing. Lie down and let it go. It’ll be fine.