don't look at me it was on sale how was i supposed to resist

Part 1, Chapter 5: Signs & Wonders

You know what I love more than anything else? Cruise control. I love cruise control more than I love most of my family members. And sorry to all aunts and uncles and cousins, you are great people. That cramp in your ankle from holding the gas pedal at the angle just so is the devil. And cruise control is the host of Heaven banishing it away. It is the kind word in a strange country, the rain after a drought.

Did that billboard have the word “fart” on it? I probably misread it. Bleary eyes.

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That 70's Show Starters
  • "They want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots."
  • "Yeah... I just have to make it very clear that my love is contingent on how much they buy me!"
  • "Come on in. make yourself at home. I'm out of beer, but if you want you could break something."
  • "When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass."
  • "I'll do anything for ten dollars."
  • "I'm gonna miss you trying to grab my boob... it makes me feel pretty. God, I'm sad."
  • "I have a question. How much masturbation is too much?"
  • "I like my women like I like my wine - red and full of alcohol."
  • "I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man."
  • "Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting."
  • "I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice."
  • "All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead."
  • "You don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? Is because you're a dumbass."
  • "Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you"."
  • "Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever."
  • "Her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you"."
  • "Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other."
  • "I AM the bitch. And you LOVE me."
  • "Why would you just cuddle with her when you could do it? I mean, doing it is "it." That's why they call it "it." IT."
  • "The foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know."
  • "I like showing my butt. I like to show it and I like to shake it."
  • "You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study"."
  • "There is a God, and he's on MY SIDE!"
  • "I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer."
  • "You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing."
  • "I love... cake."
  • "I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not."
  • "I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed."
  • "Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be."
  • "I'm not shallow. I just judge women on their looks."
  • "If this van's a-rockin'... we're in there doing it."
  • "Look, she's beautiful, she believes in me, and if I can get her to put out, it's 3 out of 3. Right now, it's 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% ain't gonna cut it."
  • "Every newspaper you'll be reading, every nap you'll be taking, every football game you'll be watching, I'll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking."
  • "Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward."
  • "See the establishment doesn't want us having sex because they know it makes us feel good, right? So if we can feel good on our own, what do we need the establishment for? So every time we have sex, it's a huge protest."
  • "Just because a guy pays attention to me, does not mean he wants to get me naked!"
  • "Uh-oh, naughty thoughts a-brewin'..."