don't go messing with my heart

The Doctor spent 24 years with River. He loves her and no one can tell me otherwise. He stayed by her side. For him she came here after Manhattan, he knows the Doctor she’ll meet in the Library doesn’t recognise her. He didn’t want the last memory she has of a Doctor that knows her to be of Manhattan, or the last memory she has of ‘her’ Doctor to be of one she doesn’t recognise. So he stayed back. The Doctor stayed still with her for 24 years so that she gets to know this him as much as she’s familiar with Eleven.

And after death, she hung on, as an echo to get a final goodbye from the Doctor she has spent more than a 100 years with. She told him 'Till the Next Time Doctor’ in Name Of The Doctor because she knew he had a next time with her. One that stretches over 24 years and he said 'See You Around Professor Song’ instead of a goodbye because he never gives up hope of meeting her again.

If anyone dares tell me that River doesn’t love The Doctor or that The Doctor doesn’t love River, please feel free to unfollow me because that is one fucking amazing love story. It’s adventurous, beautiful and absolutely heartbreaking. It’ll make you cry, it’s meant for legends.

The most beautiful love story ever written. One that doesn’t need a They Lived Happily Ever After, just They Lived Happily because they did. They finally were linear and spent years together being husband and wife.

Emmerdale

So this week, my heart is bruised and disappointed. From shitty Emmerdale writing and watching a fandom combust…again.  But strangely, I’m not bitter. Why?? How am I still riding that damn positivity train?? It’s simple really.

Kurt & Blaine - Glee
Will & Sonny - Day of Our Lives
Ian & Mickey - Shameless
Kevin & Scotty - Brothers and Sisters
*hold on imma bout to get old school*
Nathan & Haley - One Tree Hill
Logan & Veronica - Veronica Mars
Max & Liz - Roswell

Just damn. Shit happens on TV. I mean jeezus christo, we went to hell and back. I’m not saying it’s okay, but true love certainly ain’t black and white, and no couple is immune to shitty writers or drama. OBVIOUSLYYY, ughhhh. All of these OTPs were central to the show with major fan bases who had a soulmate kinda love. And guess what, they all had a cheating storyline at one point or another. It sucks, but it is what it is. Five out of seven are happily still together, and four are married. Of the two couples that aren’t together - one actor left the show, and another character fucking DIED. So I mean, I count my blessings in Robron’s case.

In the immortal words of Jack Twist, “This is a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.”  I feel like I’ve been bitch-slapped by my best friends. I certainly wouldn’t wish it on anyone, let alone my favorite OTP or fandoms.  My heart cries. But unfortunately, I’ve seen worse.  It sucks and it’s maddening when writers fuck up our favorite characters for the sake of story. (And I am in the camp that the timing on this particular fuck-up was  particularly fucked. up.)  And as tired as I am of screaming at my TV when writers fling shit at my OTPs, I can’t not root for them. Because more often than not?  They…come out of it. (Unless an actor leaves or one is fired - *waves at Shameless and DOOL* fuck you) And KNOCK ON WOOD, I don’t think Ryan or Danny are going anywhere (jeezus holy mary buddha and zeus please gods).

This absolutely does not mean I condone cheating (hi Rob), hiding major shit from your husband (hi Aaron), or sleeping with your married very drunk ex (hi Bex). It just means that I’m loyal, and I’ve made it through worse shit. And I’m glad I stuck with it, because as bruised and battered as I am, I got to see most of my OTPs love each other through the pain because they are endgame supercouples, glory be in the highest!  Every single person in the fandom is absolutely allowed to feel how they feel and should handle this whole mess in the most healthy way possible for them as individuals. (As long as they don’t personally attack anyone because that’s just being a bully, whether it’s deserved or not). As for me, I’m hanging by my claws to the sails on this ship and will fight for my boys as long as they fight for each other. And they will. I signed up for “messed up, forever” when they did.  In my observation, true love isn’t about never making a mistake (AHAHAHA noooo and thank god bc I’d be doomed). It’s more about hanging on with your claws to the sails of the ship if you feel there’s something worth fighting for.  And for me, (and for Robron), there certainly is. 

An Open Letter To The Boy That Broke My Heart

Hey there, it’s been a little while hasn’t it? I bet you think that this is going to be filled with I hate you’s and regrets. While maybe there is still a little regret for opening up all the way, I don’t hate you.

Really, just thank you.

You taught me how to open my heart, you taught me that people are unique and everyone is fighting their own battles. You taught me how to pick myself up when I’m a mess and you taught me how to live a little. You taught me that people will disappoint you ( a lot) but that doesn’t mean that they are bad people. You taught me that self love is the most important love, and I hope that I taught you that you, yourself should have self love as well.

I hope that I taught you that falling in love is a really cool thing. I hope that I taught you ways to look at the world differently, that it’s okay to be a little serious every once in a while. I hope that I taught you what it feels like to wake up to the person that means a lot to you, even if it was only for that short time. I hope that I taught you that you are so worthy and lovable. I hope that I taught you to love yourself, because I really was starting to.

Thank you for teaching me about heartbreak, thank you for teaching me that I am a survivor, that I am a riser, that I may have been broken but I made it out and I am whole. Thank you for being by my side during that time but also thank you for making me stronger when we went our different ways.

I miss you, I miss you in different ways. Sometimes I miss your kisses, sometimes I miss your hugs, but mostly I miss our friendship. Those countless days together and texts made you into a person that I looked forward to seeing and talking to. Not only were you kissing me but you were also my best friend. I lost my best friend, and that might be what hurt the most. I miss you and our night just talking, I miss those kayaking videos and how you’d pull the covers over us and then kiss me when we’d wake up. All that aside, I can do without the romantic stuff, I miss my best friend. Of course I don’t expect everything or anything to ever go back to the way it was. That’s not practical nor is it even reality. We both seemed to have moved on and I’m happy again.

Thank you for everything that you taught me about life, about love, about me. 

I just want to say that next time I see you I won’t look down, I won’t avoid eye contact, I won’t try to pretend that I didn’t see you. We have shared so much that it’s sorta silly to ignore you. I think that next time I’ll say hello.

8

“Because every time you see them happy you remember how sad they’re going to be. And it breaks your heart. Because what’s the point in them being happy now if they’re going to be sad later. The answer is, of course, because they are going to be sad later.”

The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe

So I stayed overnight at the hospital to see why my chest feels tight and I can’t breathe properly and the doctor said it’s my low blood pressure. They didn’t even do any scans on my chest to see if something is wrong with my lungs , like ??? They checked my heart and said everything is fine and it’s just my blood pressure being low and there isn’t enough oxygen in my blood to fuel my lungs. 

idk I don’t feel much better and I still experience shortness of breath even though I stayed all night with an oxygen mask on that was supposed to help me breathe better

i was thinking about R because i adore him with all my heart. he is awful, terrible, drunken, and a mess in the book. but the man is complex. i haven’t seen anyone take on characters like Hugo does, and even though Grantaire features very little in the book, he is ambiguous, drunk and bourgeois, treating women badly, a cynic through and through, a new Diognes. but he is entranced by Enjolras, completely enamoured, a man falling in love with the sun, yearning for warmth. his speeches are nonsense and filled with bitterness, but they are beautiful, referencing with eloquence. and i always amaze at how people put these characters in modern daylight, these revolutionaries wishing to see a better day. we venerate valjean, javert, but these are the ones that we can feel in our hearts because they are us. and R, he is ugly but so very beautiful

Timehop shattered me today. Usually it’s okay. Melancholy for the past, but still good. Today was not. Today hit me like a brick wall.

I’ve been talking to the most amazing guy for years now. We met on Omegle.
The year I graduated high school(2011!), a really big tumblr trend was to go on Omegle under the “tumblr” tag and try to find your friends/followers. It was hysterical. It was fun. I was on there so much it started leaking into my real life. My friend and I would have sleepovers and stay up until crazy hours, on Omegle just finding people to talk to. Obviously the cute ones would get more attention, and we’d have to skip a dick or 10(yes literal dicks), and on the rare occasion we’d get a guy’s number and text for 48 hours and then never again.
But one night, it was different. If I remember right, we were dicking around with stuffed animals. We’d hold them on screen and try to get people to interact with them without seeing what we looked like. Accents, whatever. And if they gave us the time of day we revealed our faces after a while. So we connect with this random babe. And he’s got the bluest eyes. And this swoopy brown hair. Squarish jawline. And he says he’s from England and we’re swooning because we’re American and foreign accents are delicious. He’s not talking though, just typing. We eventually show our faces. My friend gets bored and says we should skip him but I don’t want to. He’s so cute and the way he won’t speak is making him a mystery I’m dying to hear. I get his Skype so we can move on and promise to talk to him later. This guy is cute and all but we’ve only just met and I’m hosting a sleepover and my friend is bored. A bit later, I get a Skype message. I let the guy know we’re still on Omegle. What’s he still doing up? It’s like 6am there. He’s nuts. But he wants to Skype me. But I can’t. My friend is there. I can’t just take over the computer. Eventually my friend gets tired. So I close Omegle and Skype the England Boy. I’m begging him to say “love” in the accent I know he has. But he won’t do it. I’m 18 years old and teenage romance novels are my weakness and romcoms are everything and the way Gerard Butler calls his leading lady “love” is all I need in my life. My friend is falling asleep on the couch and I’m busy falling for the biggest fall of my life. We’re Skyping for four hours. He barely speaks. And then gloriously he says to me, “goodnight love,” and I’m dying from head to toe, it’s beautiful and this cute guy said it in his cute accent and even if he didn’t mean it, if he only said it because I begged and persuaded it out of him, it’s still got me in a puddle of emotions. It’s perfect. He’s great. I’ve got him on Skype. I can call him up whenever I want.
That was how it started. It was everything to me. I stayed up Skyping him when I should have been sleeping. I stayed on Skype with him for 6 hours 6 days a week. It was the summer before I went to college. He meant everything to me. He made me laugh. Die laughing. He was adorable and funny and charming and immature and sarcastic in all the right ways. He’s terrified of spiders. Sometimes, he sleep walks. He hates pineapple. He’s got a lesbian sister. More siblings. He’s never owned a car. He doesn’t have a license to drive. He’s getting a 7k inheritance when he turns 21. His dad’s an accountant. He had a brother who passed away. His girlfriend appears to be a massive uncaring bitch. He can do better. Dealing with my feelings and his girlfriend was a rough patch. She’d infuriate me so badly some nights. He’d Skype me from her house. It’s okay, she’s asleep. Why are you talking to me? You should be sleeping next to her. You can’t sleep? That happened more than once.
When he broke up with her I was so happy for him. So proud of him. He didn’t have to date me. Distance. Yuck. But now he could find someone to treat and be treated better. He never really did.
He’d watch American Football. Something I’m not sure he’d ever even thought about before me. He’d say he’d seen a Vikings game. Why would you watch that? We’re terrible. Football sucks.
He Skyped me through the single semester I went through college. He made a tumblr because I used it so much. We had matching links at one point. He Skyped me when I came home from college. I got a job, a good job but I still had time for him. I moved in with friends downtown. I got a new, good job. I was meeting people. I was partying. I was hooking up with people because I had all these feelings for a guy halfway across the world that were becoming hard to deal with outside our computer screen Skype world. It was easier to crash into guys who didn’t really care about me and wouldn’t notice I wasn’t exactly there for them emotionally 100%, even if I pretend or felt like it for fleeting moments in time. It had been three years since we first met. I started fading. I was working 40 hours a week. I hated my job. Loving him and not being with him was suddenly becoming painful. Not talking about it because it was painful and a useless conversation was even more painful. It wasn’t easy to accept anymore. It wasn’t easy to know that everyone around me wasn’t him. That no one could amount to him. That I could harbour so much feeling for a guy I’d never met. Would maybe never meet. These feelings were suffocating. I was drowning in something I couldn’t have. Couldn’t even touch. He was mad at me for becoming more and more unavailable. I tried to explain it. He was killing me. He couldn’t understand. He still wouldn’t.
We Snapchatted. Barely. I found a boy at home who wanted to hook up and also be a friend. Eventually it crashed into a million fucking pieces, but it helped me. At least, I thought it did. I tried so hard to make it work. If I couldn’t have England Boy, maybe this guy would date me. Maybe I’d finally be worthy of “girlfriend.” Well, I wasn’t. I lost the extended fling, and the guy halfway across the world was hurt that I was distant. Because he couldn’t understand. Because I couldn’t understand.

Now we never talk. I don’t remember the last time we had a video chat. Over 6 months ago? He’s back with his girlfriend who never cared enough. He’s got a life and he’s ignoring me.

It’s August 11th, 2015, and four years ago today, I met you. And our relationship killed me.

KANO DESSSUUUUU~
Host: Kano + Special guest
KANO DESSSUUUUU~

Kano: Mekakushi Radio!!Hello there, Mekakushi Dan Member NO.3 - KANO - it’s meee~ Let’s see~ Mekakushi Radio’s started and I’ll serve as your host this time as well! Please listen carefully OK!!~


That aside… Last time was such a mess*… Nee-chan just had to suddenly come like that!!! I just couldn’t… like… I really thought my heart had stopped for so many reasons I can’t even…!!!


… So I guess I’m going to introduce today’s guest early! … I present you, our special guest this weeeekkk!!~

*silence*


Hey… it’s your turn… introduce yourself…!


Kido: E… Eh… can I talk now?
Kano: Yeah yeah…
Kido: *cough* I’m NO.1 - Leader Kido. Nice to meet you…

* I totally forgot about this but Kano was saying something like “Hufffuuu to taihen datta” but I don’t know how to translate the “hufffuuu” properly so…

9

Happy birthday Sawamura Daichi  12.31

*shows up 2 days late with a coffee*

Daichi-san’s relentless determination is inspiring and striking, and he is very dear to my heart♡

DON’T YOU DARE TAKE MY PEPPERONY FROM ME MARVEL!

me entering captain america civil war unsuspecting

this cannot be happening !! NO NO NO NO NO ….JUST NO!

wtf marvel are you out of your mind ? have you ever seen a pepperony pizza go on a break even RDJ uttered that scene out like if it was gibberish

how dare you mess around with THE OTP of the MCU the king and queen and in same breath you squash my iron baby hopes wtf dude wtf 

i couldn’t even focus on the rest of the movie after that , can’t a fangirl catch a break my tv otps are giving me whiplash and now this , somebody needs to fix this stat , i ain’t going to watch that movie again ,stab my heart grab it and stomp on it and it would hurt less than this ,i’m pissed off 

you know what until you fix this i’m gonna watch iron man trilogy and pretend this didn’t happen

but really i’m just hurt , heartbroken really! why can’t i have just this one thing that is constant in my universe A HAPPY SUPPORTIVE OF EACH OTHER PEPPERONY , i feel like

but for tonight i’m just gonna hide under my sheet and forget the world fiction and real ,ya both haters of true love

Oh god, my stomach always drops when they go over the cliff. I mean… we know they survived, I feel confident in that fact. But it’s still just?? so??? That ocean is bigggg man and I just… it’s terrifying and makes my heart hurt but I mean they were well enough to drag Hannibal’s dining room table into Bedelia’s house afterward so I guess it’s all good.