Yes, These Politicians Really Got Re-elected. Seth Meyers Gives Them A Warm Welcome Back.
First, welcome back Staten Island Republican Congressman, Michael Grimm, who was re-elected by a thirteen percent margin, despite being indicted on twenty counts, including mail fraud, wire fraud and health care fraud. Or as it’s known in Staten Island, the hat trick.
But he didn’t stop there. Back in January, Grimm told a news reporter who asked him about these charges that he would, quote, “break him in half,” and threatened to throw him off a balcony. Grimm is the kind of guy that you want in your corner. Because if he’s not in your corner, that means he’s hiding in the opposite corner, getting ready to jump out and push you off a balcony. Congratulations on your re-election, Michael Grimm!
We’d also like to welcome back Maine’s Governor, Paul LePage. LePage got re-elected despite telling the N.A.A.C.P. they could “kiss his butt,” and comparing the I.R.S. to the Gestapo. He also defended the use of the controversial chemical B.P.A. in plastic bottles, saying that in the worst case scenario, some women may develop, quote, “little beards.” I don’t think the worst case scenario is “little beards.” I think the worst case scenario is “two-term Maine Governor Paul LePage.”
Are you a lobster, LePage? Because you are on a roll! Welcome back!
New York City welcomes back Congressman Charlie Rangel. Rangel has been formally censured by his colleagues for a slew of ethics violations. You know how hard it is to get censured in Congress for ethics violations? That’s like getting kicked out of Burning Man for not showering.
Rangel is the first Congressman to be censured since 1983. You would think anyone could beat him. How did he win? No one ran against him.
Alaska welcomes back twenty-two term congressman Don Young, who ironically is very old. The hallowed halls of Congress will be honored by the presence of you, sir. A man who, prior to a debate with his Democratic challenger, snarled at him like a dog, and said the following, and I quote, “Don’t you ever touch me. Don’t ever touch me. The last guy who touched me ended up on the ground dead.”
And because they live in Alaska, I’m guessing that man was then stuffed and mounted on Young’s office wall.
Graboids are back in the trailer for Tremors 5: Bloodlines. Looks like this one could be fun. We’ll find out when it hits Blu-ray and DVD on October 6.
The film stars Tremors series favorite Michael Gross and Jamie Kennedy (Scream). It’s directed by Don Michael Paul (Jarhead 2: Field of Fire) and written by John Whelpley (Tremors 3: Back to Perfection).