dogs and cars series


3:56am 5/8

“…I miss your dogs. I miss tracing your spine with my finger tips when your back hurt. I miss kissing the freckles on your skin. I miss waking up to you pulling me closer in the middle of the night because I moved away. I miss how soft your lips were, even when they were a bit chapped. I miss staying up late with you having sex and waking up early feeling just as energized had I gotten 8 hr sleep. I miss waking up to your kisses or in your arms. I miss making love in the morning before I’d have to leave. I miss how comfortable I felt with you, how safe I felt; how I could stand in front of you completely naked, and not feel judged or ugly, even if you stopped calling me beautiful. I miss you telling me how you thought I was beautiful. I miss you feeling like you’d be lost without me. I miss talking to you about a possible future, traveling countries, seeing/experiencing new things, moving out of CT together and getting dogs (lots and lots of dogs!). I miss watching tv series with you, even your dumb car show. I miss being vulnerable with you, because I never felt safer any other time. I miss watching you as you thought or ate or spoke or was doing any other general activity; just your general expressions and how you’d occasionally space out. I miss how goofy you were even at the most inappropriate times. I miss getting texts telling me you got home okay or to school [and I miss you asking me if I did too]. I miss you telling me about your day and you about mine. I miss how clumsy we were. I miss your weird laugh. I miss your chipped tooth. I miss the way a cigarette would hang out of your mouth [when you tried to look cool]. I miss the pack we made to quit and how disappointed you were when you found out I started again. I miss the way your cologne smelled. I miss your natural scent too. I miss your dirty ass room [even though it would drive me crazy, ironically I don’t even clean mine now]. I miss your bed [and being wrapped under your blankets and mine with you]. I miss you putting your feet on me to bother me. I miss the scar on your arm of a cross and tracing that with my fingers [too]. I miss playing with your facial/body hair. I miss plucking your eyebrows. I miss your snoring and how you’d drool on me. I miss sleeping naked with you because you wanted to feel my skin. I miss your warmth. I miss your shitty haircuts (sometimes fine). I miss how much you remembered some of my favorite things, but didn’t get mad if I’d forget some of yours. I miss you telling me about your family, how your dad was, what you talked about. I miss how antsy you’d get when you were anxious. I miss how flustered you’d get about talking about your feelings, even if it made me mad [sometimes]. I miss how patient you were with me. I miss how you’d try to hide when you felt jealous. I miss how you listened to all my bitching. I miss talking about nothing and everything. I miss how you’d make a weird face when I did something stupid but how you still didn’t judge me. [I miss how you’d tell me to put my seatbelt on and wouldn’t let me drive until I did.] I miss how you’d try to push me to do better. I miss your voice. I miss loving you. I miss your love…I just want to wake up next to you and find I had a bad dream…can we try again? when we’re better people? will you still care?”