dog-derp

dancing-thru-clouds  asked:

So wait. Uncle Popeye got beat up by a gamecock? Aren't those things like, three pounds soaking wet?

OH NO ITS BETTER THAN THAT.

Popeye got beat up by an AMERICAN WOODCOCK, which is…  I’ll allow this video to explain:

They walk like that because any reasonable carnivore looks at that and goes “That can’t possibly be food.”  They’re also called “Timberdoodles” have nearly rear-facing eyes, upside-down brains, and go “PrrrEENT”.  They’re basically real-life cuddly cryptids,

and they’re like, 8 ounces. Tops.

BUT POPEYE MANAGES TO FUCK THIS UP.

Popeye got it into his head that he should train Grandma’s weirdo terrier mix “Spooky” to be a bird Dog, mostly because grandpa wouldn’t go hunting with him after Popeye shot him in the foot.  Grandma, already having two children, two normal cats, a profoundly stupid cat, a canary and a tarantula to look after, decided to let Spooky go with him.  

“She’ll be good supervision for him.”  grandma said.

We’re not sure what made Popeye think Spooky would be a good bird dog, because if all the dogs of the world were one together, what was left over was Spooky, to paraphrase my favorite Celtic fairy tale.  She was about 35lbs of smooth-coated solid black with long legs and half a tail.  She was named “Spooky” for the white patch on her chest that grandma said looked like a ghost late at night.  Spooky never barked, only made agitated garbage disposal noises and whistle-snorts.

But off into the Ohio Woods Popeye goes with Spooky, who is less than thrilled with this because she’d been a stray before, and was now very pleased with this new life of couches, indoor heating and fattening table scraps.  She does Not Like the woods.  The woods are cold and wet and full of ticks and she’d rather be at home, under the radiator perhaps.  

Eventually, they come across a woodcock, not in the woods but in the parking lot of the 7-11 after getting lost in the woods and deciding to get a slurpee and hot dog instead.  Spooky is halfway through eating her hot dog, sees the Woodcock derping along, and decides that Processed meat is better than whatever the fuck that is, and goes back to her hot dog.

Popeye decides to *demonstrate* what Spooky is supposed to do… by getting on his hands and knees and trying to jump on the woodcock to catch it with his mouth.

Spooky decided that this is madness, and goes home to collect my grandmother to come save his ass.  This was impressive, as spooky had no sense of direction and a slurpee cup stuck on her face when she arrived. 

By the time Grandma got down there, Popeye had gotten clawed in the face, pecked directly in the eye, eaten pavement, had the police called on him, and broke his wrist.

She did, however, get to see the bird as it came down from the roof.  It perched on his ass, Prreent-ed, and shat on him.