Five Times Alfred Found Bruce Done™ and On the Floor
2007, thigh wound, parlor floor. Face down. Fire in fireplace described as comfy, patient complained he could not figure out way to move fire upstairs. Approx. 1 pint of blood; floors required refinishing.
2009, gunshot to shoulder. Kitchen, fridge open. Tile irreparably damaged. Patient insisted “was getting ice.” Found on back eating olives from an open jar.
2010, severe leg and arm lacerations due to Killer Croc or angry dog. Cave platform on grating, face down. Patient heard to sullenly complain, “I knew you were worried about another floor being ruined.” Fevered. Later cried about Lawrence of Arabia while being moved to medbay.
2012, stomach wound. Library. Persian rug beyond saving. Patient claimed to be researching treatment in medical encyclopedia, was actually half asleep with first edition Vernes. Claimed I was “bothering first good sleep in days,” threw up on second rug. Temporarily banned from library and science fiction.
2013, head and chest contusions. West wing, second flight of stairs. Patient insisted there were “more stairs than usual.” Blood blends in with stair runner, will not replace. Convinced to sleep off injuries on sofa, patient began Colombo marathon.