dog burglar

anonymous asked:

pleeeeease tell me there's a story about nate and aj? ❤️❤️❤️

WELL ANONS (from this fic):

Andrew Joseph Minyard doesn’t know a thing about Nathaniel Wesninski until he’s sent to kill him.

That’s perhaps more unusual than one would suspect, knowing Andrew. His general disinterest is well known, but he has a personal stake in knowing the movers and shakers of the magical families on the East Coast.

Know your enemies, and all that. Andrew didn’t used to have those, until he met Kevin Day and finally picked a side that wasn’t himself and his best interests. Now he kills people for righteousness, or what the fuck ever.

“The Wesninskis have a new leader,” Wymack tells them, hands folded on his desk like this is very serious news. “It’s Nathan’s kid, apparently. He’s cleaned house. Or it might be more accurate to say that he wiped the old circle off of the map entirely.”

Like he always does, Kevin goes pale at the mention of one of those families. Wymack flicks him a glance before continuing, “It’s not immediately clear where he stands on the old family alliances, but it makes sense for us to move now while he’s unsettled.”

Andrew can see where this is going already. “I didn’t realise we were killing off children now.”

Wymack shoots him a level look. “He’s twenty-two. Barely younger than you.”

“Well, I suppose that’s alright then,” Andrew replies agreeably. “When do I leave?”

“Hold on. Didn’t he kill his own father?” Nicky cuts in. “Shouldn’t that require a little more investigation than ‘when do I leave’?”

Dan waves a hand. “He’s a mage. Killer or not, he won’t be able to protect himself against non-magical weapons.”

“Don’t worry Nicky. I don’t like to be too well prepared,” Andrew says. It’s not meant to be soothing.

That’s how he ends up crawling through an upper-storey window of the Wesninski mansion, cursing mages and rusted locks. The house is probably warded - Andrew couldn’t say. To him it’s just like breaking into any other house.

What he does notice is the complete emptiness of the building. While mages don’t often have non-magical defence - and Andrew would be a lot less successful if they invested in some attack dogs, or even burglar alarms - they do generally at least have people. But every room he passes - soundlessly, of course - has its door flung wide open to display its total emptiness.

Every instinct he has is screaming. For a moment, he wonders if Wesninski has cleared out of the house entirely. But, despite the limited information for this trip, Andrew knows Wymack wouldn’t send him on a wild goose chase. The mage is here.

He creeps down the stairs, sticking close to the wall. It’s a broad staircase, gaudy even in the near-darkness. Apparently the elder Wesninski had more money than taste.

The lounge is no more elegant, and still empty of people. Beyond it, though, light falls from the doorway. Andrew creeps towards it, palming one of his knives.

Apparently, all his quiet was wasted. The person through the door is waiting for him - and this, having met Nathan, is definitely his son.

Twenty-two he may be, but Wesninski looks like a kid. With his fair falling into his face as he slouches against the kitchen island, he looks nothing like someone who could have killed Nathan and the entire rest of his circle in one fell swoop. Any tracery of magic in him isn’t detectable to Andrew though - for all he knows, the air could be singing with it.

The only giveaway that this man isn’t as normal as Andrew is the curling tattoo emerging over the collar of his t-shirt. It’s a mage-mark, and it’s large. Even Kevin, the most powerful of the Foxes in terms of sheer strength, doesn’t have one that extends so far across his skin.

“You’re AJ Minyard,” Wesninski says. He looks excited about that. Andrew didn’t realise he was a groupie. It’s the danger of being a contract killer - being known by your signature. Andrew is Andrew, except when he’s AJ and earning his keep in blood.

“Usually, your kind is throwing spells by now,” he replies blandly. Not that it ever helps them.

“That would be a waste of time, though. Wouldn’t it?” Wesninski says. “You’re immune.”

Well then. “You’re smarter than you look,” Andrew informs him. 

“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why you’re so successful,” Wesninski shrugs. “I need to send a message to Kevin.”

Wesninski isn’t following the script. Andrew glances at his watch - usually they’d have gotten past the initial failed attempt to blast Andrew off of the face of the earth with magic and moved onto either running - unusual, mages didn’t like to run - or begging. “Do I look like a messenger to you?”

That earns a thin smile. “Oh, I’m sorry. Is that demeaning?”

“If you think I’m here for that, then you’re confused,” Andrew says. 

Wesninski throws his arms wide. “Well, go ahead then. You know I can’t fight you. And it’s not like I can run.”

Fuck’s sake, Andrew didn’t come here for a conversation. Still, though - he throws a glance at Wesninski’s legs. “Too lazy for it?”

“Not exactly. I know you probably don’t care for magical theory, so the short explanation is that right now I can’t leave this house. Hence wanting to speak with Kevin. The best I could do is hide in a closet, and I can’t imagine that would deter you.”

“As sob-stories go, you might want to try ‘but I have children and a wife’,” Andrew advises. 

“As if that would help me.” Wesninski rolls his eyes. “That’s fine. I wasn’t expecting you to help me for free. I’ll give you something you want in exchange.”

Andrew really should have just killed him instead of saying a word. Corpses are so much less trouble. He raises an eyebrow to signal that his patience is wearing thin.

“If you want a chance at getting anywhere near Riko Moriyama, you’ll help me,” Wesninski says.

That’s an interesting offer. “What makes you think I care about that?”

“Do you think it isn’t common knowledge in the upper circles about what happened between him and Kevin?” Wesninski says. “Plus you’ve been working your way through all the high blood families over the last year. I figured a Moriyama must be right up there on your wish list. Particularly that one.”

He isn’t wrong. “I’m not here to make a deal with you.”

“Are you sure about that?” That smile again. It’s really a wonder someone so irritating hasn’t been killed already. “I have access to the Moriyamas now, whether they like it or not. I think you’d like to make use of that. Better move fast, though - you aren’t the only one who wants to kill me.”

Riko would already be dead if he were easier to get to. And Nathaniel now has his father’s seat on the council, even if he killed for it - succession is muddy  and ugly amongst mages at the best of times. He’d hardly be the first to do it that way. 

He’s right. Andrew could use that. Getting into Castle Evermore is difficult, and Nathaniel has a free pass through the front gates. If he could smuggle Andrew inside…if he were willing to do so…

“What’s in it for you?” Andrew asks.

“What, you mean besides you not murdering me tonight and me getting out of this fucking house?” So sardonic. “I don’t like the Moriyamas any more than you do, Wesninski blood or no. I don’t care if I die, as long as Riko goes first.”

It seems their interests all line up. Andrew can deal with Riko at last, and might even get a shot at the other Moriyamas in the process. He smiles a little bit, feeling his face cracking.

“Well, Nathaniel. Looks like you might be useful to me after all.”

Wesninski makes a face. “I go by ‘Nate’.”

“I really don’t care,” Andrew tells him. “I would say ‘wait here’, but I suppose that’s irrelevant, isn’t it? I’ll come to you.”

The with a message or a knife is unspoken but clearly implied. Nathaniel - Nate - smiles thinly.

“Better hurry,” he says. “Offer ends if I’m dead.”

Paying for an home alarm monitoring service is a waste of money

Ive been investigating residential burglaries for over 10 years. Myself and every other cop I know does NOT pay for a burglar alarm monitoring service. Why you ask? Because most burglars are in and out in under 5 minutes. The alarm company has to call the house, then after they dont get an answer, they call the police. Then the dispatch center has to get the details, set up the call, and dispatch an officer. The quickest I have ever seen this process is about 8-10 minutes from the door being breached to an officer on scene.

If you want to make your house more secure, you can do a few things that burglars notice. a very large dog bowl at the front and back doors gets noticed, even if you dont have a dog. Also burglars avoid detection at all costs. Very obvious camera placement is a very good deterrent. Also wifi doorbells that have two way communication work well. There are many more, but alarm monitoring is a waste of money.

Edit*** Since people have asked me what is a good set up for home security without paying a monthly fee….I am a big fan of smart home technology….I specifically go with smartthings. I can trigger lights based on motion sensors, I have wifi enabled cameras that I can access on my smartphone that can trigger lights and alert my phone. I still have an alarm system in my home, I just dont pay to have it monitored. Everything I listed does not have a monthly fee. Basically I am the monitoring service for my home, and im much quicker than a dispatcher calling another dispatcher.

AU Masterlist

((All of the following have been collected))

Awkward Meetings

-I broke your nose in a mosh pit, sorry

-I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital, this is sort of awkward, are you okay?

-You’re getting chased by the police and you just jumped in my car and yelled drive, wtf man

-You just punched me in the face while gesturing wildly to a friend, your friend can’t stop laughing and I’m too shocked to respond to your apologies

-You laughed in a restaurant, but your laugh is really weird and I thought you were choking so I’m awkwardly humping you while attempting to perform the Heimlich maneuver and why this working isn’t, you’re just choking harder now this is awful

-We met on a Sunday morning, both doing our walk of shame

-I get really sick on roller-coasters and you are sitting in front of me, I’m so sorry

-You’re the bastard who keeps parking in front of my house and you just caught me drawing a dick on your window with a permanent marker… ugh, oops.

-I work at a department store and if you take out and unfold another fucking shirt and just leave it, I’m going to fucking shove it down your throat

-You broke into my apartment drunk thinking it was your friends place and I should call the cops by my cat likes you so????

-You’re my new dealer and you just friended me on Facebook and idk how to react to that

-You saw me reading the same book you are and now we are arguing about the motives of the antagonist

-This is a five-hour-long plane ride, we’re sitting together and you’re deathly afraid of flying.

-I got into a cab to find someone already inside

-You thought I was your friend/sister

-Holy shit, I’m in the wrong car.

-I was walking by a roller coaster and your shoe flew off and hit me in the head and now I’m on the floor trying not to fall unconscious.

-It’s 2am and I’m drunk and I need some salt for my fries and I know your awake so OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR

-You fell asleep on me in the subway and I should probably wake you up and it’s my stop next stop but it’s okay, I can always just catch the subway back…

-I know nothing about camping and all my friends left me at the site. -Please, help me, I think I just heard a bear

-This has been a shitty week and you just grabbed the last box of my favorite comfort food from the shelf, do you really want to fight me rn?

-We met in a movie theatre and now you’re clinging to me because you’re terrified and I’m okay with that because it means I get your popcorn.

-You had a party and I got really drunk and stole your microwave, so now I’m at your place and your super hungover so here, I made breakfast?

 

Neighbor/Roommate

-The guy living below me has a really loud alarm clock that always wakes me up at the crack of dawn

I went to investigate a scream and found my neighbor standing on a chair to avoid a rat/mouse/cricket (etc.)

-My neighbor has a really squeaky bed and my bedroom is below theirs

-You keep stealing my doormat and HAH, I’ve got you this time thief!

-The apartment above me has left their tap on or something and water is leaking through my ceiling

-My neighbor’s sibling got the wrong house number and barged into my apartment on accident.

-My roommate keeps stealing my coffee so now I make extra

-You’re my new neighbor and wow man, you have some really weird habits.

-You’re my neighbor and you are stealing my Wi-Fi to watch porn and can you not?

-You locked yourself outside of your apartment and there’s a storm rolling in and I pity you so please come into my apartment I’ll make you hot chocolate?

-I heard you singing at 3 am and joined in and now you’re at my door and wtf mate I think your drunk but your voice is really nice so?

-I just set the fire alarm in our building off again… sorry. I know it’s like the fourth time this week…

You keep mowing your lawn when I’m trying to sleep and seriously FUCK YOU

-My new neighbor is really hot and wow I didn’t even like women until now? And now she is in the garden planting flowers in her bikini wow… I’m in too deep

-It’s 3 am and you’re blasting off classic rock at full volume and your music taste might be awesome but soME PEOPLE are trying to sLEEP

-We’ve never met but we shower at the same time and our showers are on opposite sides of the same apartment wall so sometimes we start duets?

-“You’re my roommate and it’s way past midnight and you’re talking about how Charles Dickens inspired prison reform and how the moon must feel insignificant because it borrows light from the sun and this is all very interesting but will you please shut up and go to sleep” AU.

-“We live next door to each other and I can see you through the window while you’re dancing to your iPod in your flannel pajamas and disheveled hair and God you’re a dork” AU
-My shower is broken because of some stupid mistake and I have to use the one in your room
-I’m a heavy sleeper and my alarm is so loud and obnoxious you have to wake me up in some way to switch it off
-Mutual hate for our stupid landlord/flat mate/neighbor
-I woke up form a nightmare screaming and you’ve rushed over from your apartment to try and calm me down and…you look really hot when you wear glasses and you’re almost naked

 

Pets

-I’m out walking and my dog started chasing your dog.

-My cat/dog ran away and you just found it but refuse to accept the reward.

-We are neighbors and your cat got my cat pregnant… so, wanna raise this little kitty family?

-My pet tarantula/snake (etc.) escaped and I forgot to warn the guy below me who is terrified of snakes/spiders

-I need you to pet sit my pet for a while and I forgot to mention it’s a snake, the mice are in the freezer. Thanks, bye

-My cat really hates you cat and that’s the third time this week I’ve had to pry them apart.

-My cat keeps breaking into your apartment and it ate all your plants… dinner to make up for it?

-My cat sneaked out on the balcony and into your open window and he has this habit of destroying furniture and pissing everywhere so I followed him inside and you came home earlier than I expected and found me in the middle of your living room and honestly I’m not a burglar

-Your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and sorry not sorry I love this dog

-You were walking your dog when you found me passed out on a park bench and thank you for waking me up and buying coffee instead of stealing my wallet

-I know it’s cute, but we can’t keep it.

-Fun fact, I picked this up on my way home.

-You said you wanted something cute for your Birthday, but I have a feeling our definition of that word is vastly different.

-I reckon that you’ll be unable to let them go.

-We need to find its actual owner. Come on.

-Oh no, their eyes. My biggest weakness.

-Look at its little feet. I’m in love.

-I suppose we can have one, but I mean it. One.

 

Music

-I’m on a bus and wow, you’re singing really loudly and everyone is giving you weird looks, hey bud, tone it down, also great choice in music

-You play Double Bass/Cello and I play 1st chair Violin and we keep making eye contact and damn your super cute.

-You play in an orchestra and I love these songs so much, plus you’re really cute. Shit man, you’ll never notice me in the huge crowd…

-Music is kinda illegal and my friend just died and apparently he wrote music and wow I want to know what it sounds like and to play it at his funeral but I don’t know how to. You’re a well-known music dealer, do you happen to understand these notes? Can you help me?

-I tried to act cool at this concert and I thought I was leaning on a wall but apparently it was a speaker and now it’s on the ground in pieces and everyone’s glaring at me… sorry?
-Your music choice is so bad but you’re undeniably, yet irritatingly cute when you bop your head along

Supernatural

-I’m a wizard and I just accidently appeared into your house. Oops.

-I died over 2000 years ago and you’ve been dead for like 2 hours, man, damn it now I have to explain this shit to you. Great.

-I’m immortal and you’re mortal and I don’t know how to explain this to you and soon enough you’re going to realise that I’m not aging… shiiittt

-You’re a Greek god and I’m the roman counterpart.

-I’m a ghost and you’re alive and I think I’m in love with you…. Fuck.

-You’re a faun and I’m a Satry

-I’m half demon and people often judge me based on my looks, but your blind and wow you actually like me?

-I’m a time traveler and I went back in time and wow I think I’m in love with you, fuck this isn’t good, I just faked being George Washington… wait what? George Washington doesn’t exist here? Shit… I actually am George Washington.

-I’m a writer and you’re my character and wtf how the heck did you just literally climb out of my first draft?

-I’m a werewolf but I don’t want to tell you because my wolf form might be that really small Chihuahua you keep mentioning you see when I go out…

-I’m an android and you’re a human and wow what is that warmth I feel when I see you?

-I’m a homesick telepath and you’re the poor soul who is receiving all these emotions, sorry

-Somehow I’m in your body and you’re in mine and shit man being this close to the ground is fucked up.

-I’m a genie and d you rubbed my lamp so congrats you get three wishes but you can’t seem to think of shit and why the fuck do I have to be stuck with you? Hurry up and think of some wishes okay?

-I was an awful angel and as punishment I have to be your guardian angel and wow your super cute and nice but I still hate you

-You keep having strange dreams that turn out to be us in a past life and you’re determined to fine me again but in this life I’m already dead.

-We live in the year 3090, you’re a scientist and I’m your assistant. Unfortunately and experiment goes wrong and I die. Now you’re trying to put my brain into a robot but it’s not the same

-I’m a vampire and I have a moment of weakness, you’re nearby and let’s just say it doesn’t end well

-I’m a dragon and you’re a really hot prince, that’s right, they locked up the wrong royalty.

-You’re a pirate and I’m a siren and woah… are you asexual? That’s so cool, hey wait, don’t go I just want to talk

-Your mirror is a doorway into my dimension and I can see everything….

-Listen I am genetically modified and you WILL let me hide in your house

-Ok, so I panicked and kissed this human so he wouldn’t drown. And I know you don’t want me to keep him, and we can’t let him leave if he knows about us mere people so what do you want to do?

-You’re actually a really friendly and chill vampire and at night you float around outside of my bedroom window to talk with me about the universe and stuff
-I’m sick so you make me chicken soup and I’m really grateful but I’ve also seen you read books on magical spells and potion-making so I’m not sure if I should drink your soup in case it turns me into a toad

 

School/College

-I just got partnered with you in dance class and I can’t dance for shit

-You’re my science lab partner and how the fuck did you just explode that beaker?

-I’m an art student and you just found my sketchbook and you’re going through it. Shit man can you give that back, I don’t care how good you think they are just don’t turn that page…

-You’re the school dork and I’m the school jock and fuck you can see where this is going

-We are the only two kids who ride this school bus, maybe we should carpool?

-I thought you were my roomies new boyfriend so I invited you in but you’re actually the RA of the dorm and now you think I want to have sex with you

-I accidently flooded the laundry room and you really need to do laundry

-You’re sitting in my seat in this lecture and who even are you? I’ve never seen you before… wait what, stop checking me out!

-We argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out and we’re still arguing outside the class

-You left your USB in the library computer and I had to go through your files to figure out who you are and in the end I read the entirety of this book you’re working on and wow you’re really good?

-I’m a traditional painter who has to take a basic Photoshop class, you’re a graphic design major sitting next to me and getting sucked into helping me out because I’m so shitty at this

-My pottery bowl exploded in the kiln and I feel like a failure, you found me crying about it in the hallway and are now trying to comfort me and your sweater is really soft wow sorry

-You and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and fuck it I’m trying to study over her so fuck you I’m going to put an end to this game by winning

-Romeo and Juliet of the math and English departments

-I want to get along with you roomie… but I like star wars… and you like star trek… this isn’t going to work.

-I usually talk to my friends through Morse code in class but… apparently you know Morse too… and now you know I think your butt is cute

-I got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and now I’m being adopted by someone who is really hot OH FUCKING NO
-we’re in general bio discussion and the topic is meiosis and… uh… why is the graduate student instructor telling us that we’re going to act it out? And assigning us all chromosome

-You’re my roommate who’s super cute and it’s the middle of the night and you’re cramming for your exams in your flannel pajamas and disheveled hair and it’s becoming increasingly hard for me not to kiss you

-You’re an Art student and I’m an English major and you keep stealing the papers for my assignment to doodle and I would kill you but you’re really cute and hey that’s actually a really nice sketch

-You’re the perpetual frowner in class and one day as I’m answering the teacher I intentionally make a very cheesy pun and I can hear crickets but you’re laughing out loud and that makes me feel very much accomplished

-You’re the one in class who has tattoos all over their arms and piercings and everybody’s scared of you and one day I catch you watching cat videos and doodling in the middle of a lecture and wow you’re a dork

-I’m a fashion major and I’m working on my illustrations and maybe I’ve had too much coffee but I swear I just saw one of the mannequins move so here I am calling you in the middle of the night please help I’m scared

-You’re the health-conscious med student and I’m the chain-smoking art student who’s also your barista and you leave me notes on smoking and lung health on your napkins and also a 20-page essay on lung cancer tucked under you saucer

-It’s gym class and we’re playing volleyball and you spike really well and you manage to hit the ball square in my face and I think I’m bleeding and you’re apologizing profusely and it’s okay but you’re really cute so I guess I’ll take you up on that offer for coffee

-We have zero classes together but I see you at least five times a day what the fuck????

-I go on late night walks around campus and apparently you do too

-You work in the cafeteria on campus and I order the same thing every day so we keep making small talk and wow you actually seem pretty cool???

-You keep grabbing the biggest group study room but you never have a study group; I actually do have a group and I’m gonna give you a piece of my mind

-You work in the Starbucks on campus and picked up on my obscure reference/t-shirt from some obscure show/etc. and now I’m determined to talk to you about it

-We both went to grab the last ice cream and I’m insisting you take it but you’re insisting that I take it (added bonus: hey, why don’t we just share it?)

-We were on the same college tour

- It’s prime time for practice rooms and all of the good ones are taken except for that one – don’t you fucking dare, I will FIGHT you for it.

- I saw you sleeping on the couch in the lounge in the morning, but now it’s like 5 pm and you’re still here. Are you ok?

- Oh good an empty practice roo- HOLY SHIT. Why are you lying on the ground in a dark?!

- The theory professor makes no sense and you’re the star pupil. Teach me everything you know about theory and I will buy you anything you want from Starbucks. Grande. Venti. Frappuccino. Chai Tea Latte. You name it.

- I’m trying to study in the lounge and you’re blasting your music. I don’t care how much you love Mahler, have you ever heard of ear phones???

- I’m trying to schedule my recital, but you have the time/location I want. Ok, what do I have to sell you for that time slot/date?

- I agreed to help you with your music Ed video project and now you’re trying to teach me trumpet and my god I am terrible at this instrument.

- You’re really cute and I may have done more than three casual walk-bys of your practice room. I’m on my sixth walk-by when we make eye contact. Oh shit.

- I don’t know you, but you grabbed me to help with your audition videos and wow, you’re really good and attractive…Oh crap, stop the camera now?

- You’re in the orchestra and I’m in the choir. I’ve had a crush on you all semester. I’m pretty sure you’ve caught me staring at the violin section one to many times.

- Amidst all the Mozart, Beethoven, and Chopin I hear musical theatre?!?!?!!? I race out of my practice room and go on a mad hunt until I find you and oh my god you’re playing my favourite show let’s be friends!

 

 

Near Death Experiences

-Wow I was just in a fatal accident and who the hell are you? What is this I’m I dying? Wait no, I don’t want this, how do I get out of it? A deal you say, I’ll take it.

-You’re an executioner and I’m about to be executed but you can’t seem to run the guillotine, wait what, why are we running away, man you’re my favourite executioner

-Our plane/boat crashed and now it’s just us on this island.

-I just took a super dangerous job and you’re trying to talk me out of it, but we really need the money

-It’s the middle of a war and I’m on a ship that you’re ship just torpedoed. Now I’m a prisoner and wow why can’t I feel my legs. I’m not cooperating until I can feel them again. What the fuck do you mean I’m paralyzed?

-I’m addicted to ____ (drugs/alcohol etc.) and you found me in an alleyway due to after effects of my addiction (beat up, overdose etc.) and decide to take me in.

-I sold my soul to bring you back to life and I don’t have long left please make this time count

 

Mistaken and Secret Identities

-I’m a thief/hacker/murder and you’ve found out my identity and have been bugging me for days to take you on as your partner

-I’m a superhero and you want to be like me but in doing so become a supervillain, what do you mean you don’t understand why I’m punching you?

-I’m a superhero, you’re a supervillain, but we don’t know each other’s identities and we are actually best friends

-I’m runaway royalty and you’re a commoner, fuck I’m so screwed I need your help, I’ll explain later

-You think I’m a celebrity and you’re talking too much for me to explain I am definitely not… that dude. What was his name again?

-You’re a superhero and I’m your best friend and what the fuck man? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? If you had maybe I would be fucking caught with this stupid ass monologue-ing villain

-I have a very cute neighbor and very thin walls and one day I call you and err… your moans are very synchronized with my neighbor’s…

-I’m a superhero and you’re a supervillain and I saw you visiting kids at the children’s hospital and letting them act like they defeated you and now it’s really hard to punch you in the face

 

Profession Based

-Your my mailman and I can’t help but notice that you linger at my door slightly longer than you need to ever since you saw me that one time. Do you want to come inside?

-I’m a private detective and you’re my client and fuck man you’re in some deep shit

-You’re a protester and I’m a police officer. Seriously can you please calm down a little bit, this is my job not my beliefs.

-I’m a make-up artist/hair stylist and I you’re an actor/model and are you flirting or???

-You’re a celebrity and sorry mate, I have to take pictures to pay rent, and I know it’s invasive seriously, sorry

-You’re a store clerk and fuck, is that my ex? Can I please hide behind this counter?

-You’re a lifeguard at my kid’s swimming competition and I fell in the pool with all my clothes on and you awkwardly tried to save me even though I didn’t need it.

-You work at a pet store and I came in to look at tarantulas but somehow we lost the biggest one and its loose somewhere in the store and it really doesn’t help that you’re terrified of spiders

-I’m a firefighter and you started a fire in your kitchen but you’re still flirting with me even though you’re not wearing pants and I’m carrying you down a ladder. Stop complimenting my muscles for fucks sake

-We work at the same company and I kind of had a crush on you until I noticed that you’re the asshole stealing my lunch from the office fridge.

-I’m a firefighter and you live near the station I work at and we talk/flirt with each other a lot. One day me and my team get called to put out a fire and it’s your home ablaze. You don’t make it.

-I work at a fruit store and you come in almost every day and rearrange stuff on the shelves and then leave. Today you made the apples spell ‘call me’

-It’s 2am and I was just trying to get home but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole - stop laughing! You’re a cop, aren’t you supposed to be helping?

-You’re drunk and want my name tattooed on your ass.

-You always bring your dates to the restaurant I wait at and now you’re here alone… you okay mate?

-The manager says the only reason the restaurant where we work at is popular is because people enjoy eating while watching our relentless flirting with each other but I swear to God we’re not flirting???

-You and I are both baristas at a coffee shop and one day I step out of the café to take a break and walk in on you gleefully drawing phallic pictures on the chalkboard outside that no one pays attention to so what are you doing?

 

Teacher x Teacher

-The nice one who everybody loves with the grumpy and strict one that the students hate and the students wonder?????????how what the fuck. But later (not in school environment maybe by accident) the students (a group of them) see that the strict one isn’t really that strict and they love their partner

-The cool married teachers that talk about each other and everyone loves like one of them comes late to class and is like “sorry i’m late guys mx. [partner] is really sick and i wanted to be sure everything is alright” and the students spend 5 minutes fussing over the other teacher and asking questions about their wellbeing “ARE THEY DYING” “No Joey they’ve just caught a cold” [and trying to make this one forget about their class”

-two teachers that EVERYBODY ships like the students are trying to get them together, “Soo, Mx. A, Mx. B will have a concert tomorrow for the school and they need all the help and they asked me to tell you….so you can tell other students” “Mx. B didn’t tell me anything about it” “oh it was like, last moment thing you know. they didn’t have time. and like, they really need help.”

And the teacher is like “Thanks Johnson” and trying to be really cool but REALLY BEING NOT COOL OMG WHERE’S THE SQUAD OF DUCKLINGS TO HAVE AN EXCUSE TO GO AND HELP

and like other teachers shipping them too

“Mx. A you know about the prom. There’s a rule that the teachers must have some partners too” [dunno if it already is something like this, it is not in my country] “I did not know about this rule.” “Oh it’s very recent. So, you know, teachers are never alone and can be protected in case it’s necessary. I also heard that Mx. B has no partner.”

OPPOSITE TEACHERS????

Like, science/maths teachers with art/languages teacher. Or stuff like this.

Talking about their subject passionately and the other not understanding shit but loving it anyway because they’re so fucking cute.

-We are both teachers and at the end of the year we compare how many gifts -we’ve received from student and you’ve won for the past three years

-RIVAL TEACHERS?????? Like here is your impossible love

-Teachers of the same subject in different schools fighting in competitions and shit

-Or teachers of the same subject talking passionately about their course. and praising each other.

-Teachers talking about their students, the bad ones and the cool ones

-LGBT teachers standing up for LGBT students and offering them support and helping them feel more at ease in this clusterfuck of school

-OTP 1 teacher/teacher and OTP 2 student/student

-OTP 2 being so thankful that OTP 1 exists. OTP 1 giving advice to OTP 2.

-DOMESTIC TEACHER/TEACHER

-Grading stuff together. Bringing each other food/beverages. Helping each other through all the stuff.

 

 

Old Friends

-I knew you in high school and I ran into you at a renaissance fair wearing full knight regalia

-I met you once when I was 12, we started a pen-pal relationship across the world and haven’t stopped even though we are a lot older now.

-You were my best friend when we were younger but your family moved to the other side of the world, and we haven’t talked in years. But now your back and wow how did you recognise me when I can’t even remember your name?

 

Fake Dating

-I hired you to be my date for a wedding but your super cute, maybe we cannot fake-date?

-I’m fake dating you to have someone to vent to on family gatherings while also pissing off my conservative uncle that I never liked and wow… have your eyes always been this nice?

-We’re both cosplayers and we somehow always manage to meet each other at cons dressed as a popular ship and people always want photos of us in compromising positions and so we always end up fake-dating the entire day but you’re actually really hot and I’m head over heels for you

-My friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex, quick make out with me, I’ll pay you.

 

Mutual Friends

-“Our mutual friend invites us to go shopping with them and it’s kind of awkward and now you’re pushing them around the mall in a shopping cart and you’re both screaming like excited children and I’m paying the cashier and pretending I don’t know either of you” AU.

-“Our mutual friend invites us for Thanksgiving dinner with their other friends and now there’s a full-fledged food fight going on with potatoes and turkey flying everywhere and we’re both seeking refuge under the table whilst sharing a bag of chips that you brought (just in case)” AU.

- It’s our mutual friend’s wedding and they keep shoving us into each other because we’re the only ones at the ceremony who are single

Smol and Tol

-you’re always making fun of my short legs well jokes on you sucker because you are failing so hard at this obstacles course with your giraffe limbs

-you can pout all you want, at the end of the day i win all the arguments because i can just pick you up and place you in a corner a sulk yourself tired

i really wanna knee you in the crotch right now but your crotch is too fucking high

-“how did you two meet?” “They tripped over me. While I standing.”

-man, i hate going out into huge crowds with you because i always lose you among all the children and i have to peruse through all of them to find you

-man, i love going out into huge crowds with you because you’re like a beacon sticking out and i’m basically never lost

-whenever i get too mad or frustrated or down you give me a piggyback and it’s embarrassing how much it calms me

-you’re so fantastic to cuddle because i can, like, hold all of you. no place misses out on my hugs, you get all the hug, the full hug,, all my love
-Tol likes to give Smol piggy backs wherever they go
-Smol tries to give Tol a piggy back and they both fall over and laugh
-Tol constantly gets asked out by random strangers at bars while Smol is mistaken as considerable younger and is never asked out so they’re always ready to fight the strangers off

Theatre

-that stage kiss WAS NOT SCRIPTED WTF

- I’m the stage manager and you’re the cocky lead who won’t SHUT UP backstage PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU

-for closing night bets you slipped me tongue during our stage kiss what the fuck do I do

-we’re not playing the romantic leads but everyone ships our characters and they keep making us take pictures together in costume (I kind of love it)

-we’re in the chorus together and you never know what the notes are so you have to stand impossibly close to me to listen and it just makes me mess up and I SWEAR TO GOD ARE YOU DOING THAT ON PURPOSE

-everyone in the show has to wear makeup I swear I will wrestle you into this chair if I have to

-oh my god you’re doing my makeup and you’re so close and I can’t breathe

-I may have learned your romantic lead’s part and then attempted to take them out the night of the show

-we made out in the light booth

-this is the first time I’ve seen you in costume and holy fuck how do you look so good in that

Cafe/Resturant

 

-You’re the cute and quiet customer that frequents the coffee shop where I’m a barista and also where my rival barista works and we’re both fighting for your attention in increasingly creative and inconspicuous ways (making foam art, writing cheesy pick-up lines on your napkin etc. etc.)

-You’re the jerk-face customer that keeps on thumbing through their phone while ordering their drink so I exact revenge by spelling your name wrong on your cup and drawing phallic pictures on your coffee

-You and I go out to a sushi bar and the sushi chef yells at you for being allergic to a particular kind of fish and now you’re crying and I’m trying to comfort you

-You and I are at a sushi restaurant and you’re continuously snagging sushi off the belt that I have to pay for and you don’t seem to be going to stop anytime soon but you look so cute when you’re eating with that smile on your face what the hell man

-We’re both strangers sitting in the same booth at an eatery because all the other booths are full and you’re drawing smiley faces on your plate with ketchup and wow your concentrated frown is cute

-I’ve been standing in line at the coffee shop for hours and you casually cut through for your drink but also buy me my favorite blend and now I’m not so sure what to make of you

-I’m a perpetual frowner and most certainly not a morning person and I work part-time at a breakfast bar and your disheveled hair and content smile as you eat my waffles and scrambled eggs is the only thing that can get me to smile

-I write a bad pick up line on your cup every time I’m your barista

-You’re the customer and you get back at me for all the times I’ve spelt your name wrong by mispronouncing my name in icreasingly horrible ways

-You’re really short and cute and you buy a cup of black coffee every morning but you make weird faces as you sip and you never finish your drink, are you trying to look mature or something?

-Should I be concerned about how much caffeine you’re taking in?

Soulmate

-Last words are on your skin instead of their first words so you don’t know your soulmate until you lose them
-People age until they reach 18 and then they stop aging until they meet their soul mate
-The song you get stuck in your head is the one your soulmate is singing (Bonus: when they meet, the one annoys the other by singing their most hated song)
-You only see colour when your touching your soulmate
-Necklaces given to you at birth of half a unique shape and your soulmate gets the other half
-Little bruises and cuts show up on your soulmate
-Stripe of your soulmates hair colour on your wrist
-Vision is shaded to the eye colour of your soul mate and is that why until you meet them
-You have a tattoo that tells you what they’re most passionate about
-Tattoo saying how old you and your soulmate will be when you meet
-You can see every colour except the one that’s your soul mates eye colour
-Soulmates name on one wrist and enemies name on the other

 

Fun Fair/Carnival

-Hey Miss/Mister you paid but forgot to take your cotton candy so here it is
-Both our kids are on a merry-go-round and are starting to fight over a particular pony would you be so kind to tell your kid to fuck off, my kid got here first
-You’re scared of roller coasters and friends are all on different rides and you look so miserable, let me buy you coffee
-I’m so sorry I split my milkshake all over you, can I make it up to you
-Excuse me sir, you need a pair to go on the roller coaster, any singles here?
-I’m sorry sir, we’re closing up you can’t go on this merry-go-round, bit fuck it, we’re the only ones here

Miscellaneous

-I’m blind and wow your voice is absolutely beautiful can you just keep talking? Forever? Please?

-My younger sibling is besties with your sibling and even though we hate each other I guess we’ve got to start hanging out a little

-We are both at a grocery store at am and you offered to arm wrestle me for the last box of cereal, it’s on!

-You’re sleeping on my best friend’s couch while your house is being renovated and you have really weird habits like attempting to sing opera in the shower and you keep eating all my Nutigrain

-We bump into each other every Friday at the supermarket to buy the same ice-cream and maybe we should eat it together?

-Our parents are dating and thank god I’m not the only one pissed off about this

-I decide to take a shortcut home that involves crawling through a really tight hole in a fence and I end up getting stuck and you just happened to pass by and now you’re laughing at me

-I took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because I could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly

-We are trapped in a bank during a robbery

-Your country is trying to take over mine and I might be a little attracted to you and stop this it’s really hard to retaliate okay?

-I was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting Romeo and Juliet at me

-I ditch prom to attend a local poetry slam and you’re also there and I never really noticed what a cute smile you have and hey do you maybe want to bond over our mutual love for ‘Howl’???

-You’re new in town and you seem very intimidating but as it turns out you have an awful sense of direction even with a map and you’re actually adorkable so here let me help you

-It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m single and you want to cheer me up but you can’t cook nor bake to save your life so you make me hot chocolate instead and it is delicious and I think I love you???

-The mailman constantly mixes up your home address and mine together and keeps on sending me your letters and packages and I’m sorry I look through them but your life seems very interesting as well as those books on black magic in one of your packages so wanna talk about it over a cup of coffee?

-You’re going through my sketchbook and giving questioning looks and I swear to God I’m just a deranged artist and not a serial killer

- There’s a scrawny black cat in our neighborhood that hates everyone and everything but follows you around for some reason and I see you pet it and feed it fish fries are you a witch

-I work part-time as a cashier at the local corner store and you come here regularly to shop and bond with me over the microwavable chicken bites so how about I take you out on a proper date instead?

“I’m the owner of a magic shop and you discover my magics one day when you walk in on my cat flying around inside the shop on a broom and now I have to take you in as my apprentice or turn you into a toad

-“You’re a tea-lover yet you come to the coffee shop where I work at just to see my foam art and you give me hefty tips regularly so I’ve taken it upon myself to master the art of tea-making just for you

-You work at a fast food restaurant and as you hand me my food you lecture me for ruining my health what is this hypocrisy

-I went to museum to get some inspiration and then I saw you staring at one of the paintings in awe and wow you just noticed me drawing you and this is awkward

-You have no idea what personal space is and it’s really distracting when your face is two inches away from mine, what if I turn my head and accidentally kiss you
-You don’t like snuggling or a lot of touching but when you’re asleep you’re a cuddle for better or for worse
- I was eating chocolate and you came over and started kissing me, and so I finally offered you some and you say it tastes better like this

_�{��-�

“The pound scene in Lady And The Tramp made me demand throughout my childhood that we get a dog from the pound. Eventually my parents gave in and the dog we got ended up not just being an awesome pet, but he bit and chased off a burglar who got in when I was alone in the house. I was so grateful I wasn’t truly alone that day and I will never get a dog from anywhere other than a shelter, ever.”

This happened during my junior year of high school, if I remember correctly. My grandfather at the time was having problems with his health (he has since passed away) so my parents decided to go back to their home country and visit the family. I would have also come along but school hadn’t let out for summer vacation yet and I had a series of exams to take the week they would be gone. So I was home alone for a period of 9 days, all of which passed fairly normally except for the day before my parents where due to come back home. 

It was a regular Saturday, and I was siting in front of my computer desk just surfing the web. It was around noon, a hot spring day, I could even hear my neighbors doing gardening work on their lawn outside. However, suddenly I heard a weird music box noise. Like what you would expect from a horror film. I instantly stood up, more confused than actually afraid (although if it had been nighttime I would have reacted differently). I thought, ok well that’s weird. So I wondered around downstairs, trying to find the source of the noise, but there was nothing, So I went back upstairs to search all of the bedrooms, the game room, and the laundry room. By the time I reached the guest room which is at the end of a hallway and literally the last room I checked, the music had stopped playing. I went inside nonetheless and found a porcelain Christmas music box on the dresser which my mother had received as a gift a couple years back from my grandfather. 

Now this music box had a rotating top which you had to turn several times to get the music to play. When I tried turning it, it was stuck and it took some force to get it to move. However, when I finally got it to work, low and behold, the very same song started to play from before. I can’t really describe the feeling I got while standing in that room, like I was being watched. I felt like my back was vulnerable. I got out of that room real quick 

Now, just some background information on this situation, First, my dog would have alerted me to any intruders as he would have been able to see anyone enter through our backyard, through the front door, or through the garage door. The only other place of entry would be if someone had climbed up onto our porch roof and climbed in through the guestroom window. But I checked that window and it was firmly locked from the inside as it had always been. No one had been in the guest room for weeks, no one could have gone into that room. The computer desk where I was seated at allowed for me to have been able to see anyone coming upstairs had they been able to somehow get past my dog.

What kind of burglar sneaks into a house just to wind a music box?

THE FIC THAT MADE ME A DISGRACE

((Okay, things to keep in mind before reading this. I WAS FUCKING 12 when I wrote this piece of shit. Don’t judge me, I am a different person now. I cringed the whole time I was encoding it. Please enjoy my pre-pubescent disgrace. I’ll be in my backyard getting ready to burn my computer. ))

Treat or Threat
Scotland x England

England froze on the doorstep, this was the dangerous territory of his brothers. He opened the door, not bothering to knock since he was ready for them attack tackle him anytime. He’s ready to get hurt by them. He went inside and gasped at what he saw. Everyone, even the fiery Ireland was seated on the couches, talking. The moment he was inside, everyone’s head turned to look at him like he was some kind of celebrity. Are they all discussing how to beat him up?

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