One of my neighbors had a REALLY FAT golden retriever she adopted, that needed to be put on a diet, but even super-low-cal food wasn’t working, becuase Ella was still hungry and would open the cabinet to eat the whole bag. Vet suggested that she needed a filler Food so she could feel full without the extra calories, and suggested canned green beans, which are mostly fiber and lean protein.
Ella fucking LOVES green beans. She does a dance for them if you mention them. Her ‘sibling’ the police academy washout shepherd, thinks she’s insane.
Even if your pet doesn’t like green beans*, offering them a canned green bean is inevitably HILARIOUS becuase they’ll either be thrilled or otherwise make strange faces. Results so far:
Ella (golden retriever): Overjoyed. gets up on her hind legs to dance without prompting.
Sampson (Black shepherd): Offended, yells until you give him REAL treats.
Cody (Gentleman shepherd): is concerned, becuase this is Obviously Not Food. Gently takes it to be polite, leaves it out in the yard.
Minx (Domestic Shorthair cat): Smelly Toy Is Hilarious, batted under the couch.
Tiger (Really Fat Domestic Shorthair cat): Total disgust, hissing and sulking in the Prosciutto box. Came out and ate it later anyway.
Wanda (corn snake) we didn’t expect her to be interested but she spent like three minutes licking it.
Sadie AKA Marquis De Sade (Hyacinth Macaw) ignored bean in favor of dumping can on the floor, sticking head in can and screaming. Did not attempt to bite, which is Very Nice for her.
Arwen (Australian Kelpie): ate bean, waited until humans were out of the room to consume rest of the can, got costco-sized can stuck on face and pooped green for three days. Regets nothing.
Empanada/Anderson Cooper/#3 (Plymouth Hens): Excited screaming, kickboxing tournament over possession of beans/can. #3 was ultimately victorious, becuase She is Fattest.
Big Angus (scottish highland cow, I know, ironic): very polite and delicate acceptance of beans for appx 1700 lbs of beef, will now run full-tilt across pasture to meet me, which scared the crap out of me tbh.
Will post further updates as I am allowed to try.
*Please always cionsult a vet before making any dietary changes or offering your pet new foods, but green beans are pretty safe for most pets you can keep in America
fandom, banging their fists on the table, chanting: WHERE! IS! FOXTROT. WHERE! IS! FOXTROT. WHERE! IS! FOXTROT! ngozi: here, she’s a theater nerd, she’s black, and she’s the new manager me, choking back tears: thank you,,, she’s perfect,,
On Saturday I went to the opera with a friend and we started putting together an Objectively Perfect romantic fantasy. It goes like this:
SHE is a high-powered highly paid something in the City. Executives tremble before her. She is in her forties and wears exquisitely tailored suits and works fourteen hour days. She does not have time for love.
YOU are a poverty-stricken late-twenties millennial who will never be able to afford a house.
You meet by chance (you are a waitress at a corporate event, perhaps.) She has been thinking of setting up a mistress for a while. She buys you a cottage in the country. She does not live there: she has a flat in central London worth seven figures. Every other weekend she comes down to visit you, in your cottage, and her only requirements are that you need to have cooked something and you should be wearing a low-cut top. She has given you a credit card so you can buy the kind of clothes she likes to see you in. She really does not mind what you do with yourself the rest of the time. Every once in a while she needs a date to an event (an opera, gallery opening, colleague’s wedding to his fourth wife). Sometimes this involves flying you out to New York. The flight is always business class.
She is pretty bossy in the bedroom, but you’re into that.
Eventually you fall in love, but it takes a while because she is so, so busy. Meanwhile you look after your little cottage, practice cooking delicious food, and work on your book. It is heaven.
When I was little, I used to watch this anime where the main villain was this female thief. She’d lose to the hero every time, but I always thought she was cool. […] She always said whatever she wanted, did whatever she wanted… She knew what justice was for her. I… wanted to grow up to be just like her someday.
Prompt - AU where Peter is a high school AP Physics teacher and Y/N is the Anatomy teacher and all their students ship them but they’re too awkward to notice the other one crushing on them, so the students take it into their own hands.
Warning - some vulgar language. extreme cuteness. teen!Avengers :)))
A/N: btw the narration in this fic might seem a little salty, but that’s only cause I’m really salty right now about some stuff.
not my gifs
“Can you overgrown children give me like five minutes of peace?” She tells her overbearing students, they groan.
“But mom!” Her most annoying student shouted, she rolls her eyes at the boy. Her students had made a habit of calling her mom and it was by far very annoying.
“Tony, you call me mom one more damn time-”
“Ooh! She said damn, that’s a bad word!” Another one of her troublemaking students shouted from the back of the class.
“If it’s a bad word, then why would you say it, Barnes?” She retorted, the boy deflated and sat back down. His boyfriend, Steve, laughing and trying to comfort him as his classmates laughed.
“You guys are high school seniors. I did not sign up to be a teacher to babysit a bunch of five year olds,” she complained, everyone in the class knew she was joking. She was just as rowdy and annoying as they were, it’s why this particular class was her favorite.
“Come on, Ms. Y/L/N, you know you love us,” Natasha, a troublemaking redhead sitting with her feet up on the desk, said with a barely noticeable smirk on her face.
“No you’re wrong. You’re all terrible and I hate you,” Y/N lied as she took a sip from her cup of coffee that sat on top of a pile of papers.
“YOU LOVE US!” Screamed Tony and Clint at the same time, jumping up from their seats and running up to her desk to hug her.
She couldn’t hide her smile then. Sure they were all extremely annoying and loud, but then again so was she.
“Actually no. You know who she does love?” Natasha starts, a smirk rising on her face.
The whole class quiets for a few seconds before they all yell out.
A red blush rises on Y/N’s cheeks at the mention of the AP Physics and Calculus teacher, Peter Parker. She tried to deny it every single time, but her students knew better.
“Oh come on guys, not this again!” She whines, and throws her head in an exaggerated exasperated groan.
Ever since Peter had been hired as the new Physics teacher, the students almost immediately began ‘shipping’ them together. The two of them had became close friends in the blink of an eye seeing as they were both huge science nerds, their students saw this. Continuously teasing the both of them about their crushes. Both of them trying their best to deny, but neither of them could lie well enough to a bunch of teenagers who knew and understood the signs of a crush.
“We will bring this up as many times as we can until you guys realize that there’s some major amor going on,” Sam says from the far right row of the class, chewing on his mechanical pencil as he not so discreetly tried to finish his Spanish homework before the bell rang.
The class agreed with him.
“Alright fine, we’ll play it like that. How about I bring up the topic of your grades?” She laughs as the majority of the class starts to beg her not to continue.
“That’s what I thought!” She shouts, laughing loudly at the defeated faces of her students.
For the remainder of the class they reviewed the cardiovascular system for the test they were going to have next class.
The bell rings and the bustling students jumped around in excitement for lunch, “Bye Ms. Y/L/N!” they all shouted.
“Get out! Go to lunch!” She jokingly yells, they laugh and push each other out of the classroom.
Y/N smiles to herself and begins to grade papers from another class.
“Ms. Y/L/N?” She hears a voice say, she looks up and turns her head to see the only freshman student in her class full of seniors.
“Wanda, what are you still doing here? You should be at lunch,” she says in a concerned tone.
“I know but I have a test in European History that I have to study for, and I wanted to ask something of you,” she explains.
“Oh that’s right, I forgot, you have all senior classes. What can I help you with?”
“Could I get some extra credit or something to raise up my grade? I have a college interview in a few days and they’ll be looking at my grades,” the girl asks, clutching her history textbook in her hands.
“Wanda, you already have an A in this class…”
“Yeah, I know but it’s a 99% because of that B that I got on the quiz about the systemic and pulmonary circuits, I was distracted that day,” she wasn’t directly saying it but she was begging for another chance, and Y/N didn’t need any more pressing from her pleading student.
“Do you want to retake the quiz? I doubt you’ll get another B,” she offers, Wanda’s eyes light up.
“Yes please!” Y/N chuckles at the young girl's’ enthusiasm and rummages through some folders for an empty sheet of the specific quiz.
She finds it and hands it to Wanda who hurriedly grabs it and sits at the nearest desk. Wanda finishes the quiz in minutes before finally scribbling her name and class period on top. Y/N grades her paper in front of her, and to no one’s surprise, she got a perfect 100.
“Oh my god, what a surprise…” Y/N mumbles, Wanda giggles to herself.
The door opens and the two women turn to look at the door.
There Mr. Parker stood at the doorway holding a bag of food that smelled strongly of New York takeout, he saw Wanda standing in front of Y/N’s desk and blushed.
“Should I come back or…?” He trails off.
“No need Mr. Parker, I was just leaving. Thanks Ms. Y/L/N!” Wanda says as she begins to walk to the door.
Peter walks into the room and sets the food down on the desk. Y/N looks behind Peter to see Wanda giving her an enthusiastic thumbs up, then pointing at both Y/N and Peter and making a heart with her fingers. Y/N got up and removed her sneaker before chucking it at the girl, Wanda dodged it and quickly left the class.
Her unmistakable laughter bouncing off the walls of the hallway.
Y/N sat back down to see Peter looking at her weirdly. “What was that about?” He asked opening the container of takeout food, Y/N blushed immensely.
Wanda runs into the lunchroom in search of her friends, the seniors.
They sat in their usual table, eating away at the chicken wings that were being served today.
“Guys! Guys!” She shouts as she nears the table, they turn their heads to look at their freshman friend.
“Ms. Y/L/N and Mr. Parker are in her class right now eating lunch together! He bought her food!” She yells excitedly, the table gasps.
“Seriously?!” Natasha exclaims.
“We’re gonna go spy on them, right?” Clint asks, licking the ketchup off his fingers and wiping his hands on his pants.
They all snuck out of the lunchroom without getting caught and made their way to Ms. Y/L/N’s classroom. The door had a little rectangular window for them to see through, it wasn’t big enough for all of them but luckily Clint had special access to the school’s air ducts.
Especially the one in Ms. Y/LN’s classroom.
He unlocked his phone and FaceTimed Natasha and pointed the camera at the future couple. Outside of the classroom, the group crowded around Natasha and her phone. They all quieted down and watched the two awkwardest and nerdiest people in the world attempt to have a conversation without mentioning science and or Star Wars.
Both of them failing miserably.
They had somehow gotten into an incredibly deep conversation about Star Wars conspiracy theories.
“Oh my god, these fucking nerds!” Tony whispers, the rest of the group agrees.
“We gotta do something or they’re gonna spiral into a never ending conversation about Darth motherfucking Vader,” Steve says, Bucky nods agreeing with his hunky beefcake.
“Yeah, someone text Barnes and tell him to do something about this…whatever this is,” Bucky says waving his hand for emphasis.
Tony quickly pulls out his phone, his thumbs running over the screen in a blur. A few seconds later, his eyes read a message on the screen.
“He wrote, ‘On it ;)’.”
They all began to silently think of what Clint had in store for their two favorite teachers.
In the air duct, Clint quietly pulled two small rocks from his pocket. He had been planning on throwing them at some kid who messed with him earlier but this was more important.
The air duct he was hiding in was directly above Y/N’s desk but both her and Peter were facing away from him so this was the perfect opportunity.
“So I wanted to ask you something and excuse me if it makes you uncomfortable, but…do your students say anything about us…you know– uh, liking each other?” Peter asks, Y/N almost chokes on her teriyaki chicken but hides it with a strong cough.
“Ehh sometimes, why do you ask?” She lies straight through her teeth and hides her blush by looking down at her lap.
“Well, because-uh they’re always telling me that you…have a crush on me, and that apparently it’s pretty obvious…”
Her hands were now numb and she wanted to disintegrate into thin air.
‘No shit, you fucking idiot,’ she thought.
“Uhh well, I-I wouldn’t say obvious b-but, I mean-” she couldn’t think of anything to say and now she really wanted to die.
Clint couldn’t watch his favorite teacher suffer anymore so he slowly and quietly opens the air duct by removing the detachable air grille.
He throws the first rock at the door, the two teachers turn to the door thinking that someone had knocked. Y/N stands up to open the door, she looks through the little window but when she sees no one she turns back.
Then, Clint throws the second rock right into Peter’s shirt causing him to stand up and spill chicken fried rice covered in soy sauce all down Y/N’s t-shirt.
“Oh shit, fuck! I’m sorry!” He exclaimed trying to apologize.
He grabbed a few napkins and tried to wipe off the soy sauce stains but only making it worse.
“No, i-it’s fine it-”
“I’m so sorry, I-I didn’t mean-”
Both were too flustered to let one another finish their sentence. By now Peter wasn’t wiping anything except for her chest, it took a few seconds for both of them to notice exactly what he was touching.
The blushing idiots finally decided to pull away from each other, and chuckle nervously at their current situation.
“Come on, come on.” Natasha mumbles under her breath as her and the group continue to watch from her phone.
Y/N and Peter were now pretending that the whole thing didn’t happen but the stain on Y/N’s light gray shirt said otherwise. Finally, the two of them mustered up enough confidence to actually say something intelligent.
“Would you like to go out sometime?” They asked simultaneously.
They both chuckle nervously, “I know it’s not the best time to ask, but…I-I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while and I just didn’t know if you…”
She smiles, “Well I do, and I’d love to go out with you.”
At that moment, the group started cheering completely forgetting that the hallway echoed.
“Yes OTP!” Sam shouts, almost immediately slapping his hand over his mouth.
“What the hell?” Y/N mumbles and walks over to the door, seeing their teachers walk toward them the entire group got up and hauled ass back to the lunchroom, the sound of shoes squeaking and stomping on the floor along with the loud swears coming from the teenagers themselves could be heard from inside the classroom.
Clint watching them run on his phone cursed out loud, “Shit!” he said, his eyes widened.
Both Peter and Y/N turned to the vent, “Wha-Clint!” Y/N yelled when she realized what was happening.
There was no point in being quiet now, Clint shimmied down the vent before his teacher crawled in after him.
Peter and Y/N stood there helpless.
“I’m gonna kill them.”
The next day when the matchmakers walked into Calculus, a class that Peter taught, they all sat next to each other. Being the only people in the school that knew that the two teachers that everyone has been shipping were finally together had its advantages. They’ve been trading test answers for gossip all morning.
The school was bustling with the news.
Y/N Y/L/N and Peter Parker were finally together.
Even Principal Fury and Assistant Principal Hill were excited about it.
When Peter sees them sitting innocently in their seats, he turns to them.
“I don’t know whether to say thank you or goodbye, she was pretty angry.”
“Ah, she’ll get over it once you give her that good nerd loving,” Sam jokes, Peter blushes and a tries to hide a very noticeable smile.
“Ew dude, that’s our mom you’re talking about,” Tony says.
Clint perks up.
“Speaking of mom, we’re not calling you dad.”
A/N: I had way too much fun with this. This was mostly about the teen!Avengers, but honestly I live for that AU.