“Hey, toss the remote over here, will ya?” Chief Jesse’s accented voice was barely audible over the rabble created by the rest of the crew in the packed rec room of the spacecraft. His outstretched hand was waiting for a remote, which was thrown his direction by one of the human engineers across the room. “Cheers mate. Now, if I can get everyone’s attention!” He waited for a few moments to be acknowledged and rolled his eyes, not surprised that he was ignored. He stood up on one of the tables and slammed his left boot down onto it, the impact creating a loud enough bang that turned a few heads. “I said shut the bloody hell up!” That got everyone’s attention, and Jesse nodded with approval as he pulled his datapad from a pouch on his duty belt and held it up for him to read.
“Alright-y, ladies, bastards, and the rest of you lot, I’ve got a few words from our ever-so-lovely captain regarding a few security concerns they’ve raised with me. Firstly: Op-Sec! That’s short for “Operational Security” for those that can’t understand acronyms. While we aren’t a part of the IMSF, we are contracted to the Intergalactic Governing Council, meaning that we do have a level of secrecy that we need to abide by. That means when talking to your folks back home about how things are going, you need to be more mindful about what you are telling them. Please don’t tell them about where our next few ports of call are, or the areas we’re operating in at the current time unless you are on a secure channel or it is a matter of dire emergency. Last thing we all need is a bunch of pirate pricks to raid us all because one of us had a loose pie-trap, you got me?”
Jesse listened to a murmur of agreement before nodding approvingly and consulting his notes. “Sweet! Second: It’s come to my attention by some of the guards that some of you horny buggers are sneaking off to secluded areas to do the do, if you get my drift? Now, because I’m a decent bastard - yes, hard to believe that, but I am decent,” he had to wait a moment for a few chuckles to settle down before continuing on, “I won’t be naming names or shaming people. Honestly, I don’t care who or what you decide to fuck, as long as it’s in your own time. What I do care about is the use of protection and the locations where I’m hearing people are being caught in the act.”
and another member of the crew, a human medical staffer by the name of Kelly Jean, were standing towards the back of the room listening to him remind the group that areas like the engine rooms and storage bays weren’t conductive to ‘safe sex’. Zan’via noted that every once in a while Kelly would chuckle at a few words and phrases that the security chief would use, and once the man had finished his announcements, Zan’via decided to see what exactly caused Kelly to find they’re friends speech humorous.
“Excuse me, Doctor Jean, if I may have a moment of your time?” Zan’via spoke up before the woman could leave and return back to the medical wards.
“Certainly, Zan’via. What’s the problem?” She replied, gesturing towards an empty table nearby.
“Well, I found it a slight bit concerning that you were quietly laughing during Chief Lynn-Michael’s announcements on what I believe were fairly serious subjects.” They started, leveling a neutral expression towards the doctor.
“Oh? You noticed that? I’m sorry, I just find the way the Chief speaks to be amusing, that’s all.” Kelly said, blushing slightly at how she’d been caught out.
“The way the Chief speaks?”
“You have to admit, he does have a way with words, right?” Kelly prodded, now curious as to how Zan’via, and by extension the rest of the Gal’eth race, would interpret the Chief’s speaking patterns and mannerisms. There was a moment of silence before Zan’via emitted what could be interpreted as a ‘groan’ and shook their head.
“I would, if I could understand some of the terms and phrases he uses on a frequent basis.” They admitted with a small sigh, rubbing their face in irritation. “I’ve been meaning to ask him about it, but every chance I get he’s either busy or something comes up that needs his attention.”
“Maybe I can help. Granted, I’m not fluent in Australian English, but I’ve been around him long enough to pick a few things up.” The classifier that Kelly used before the name of the adopted universal language piqued Zan’via’s interest.
“Australian English? You mean there is more than one form of the language?”
“Well, yes and no. English as a whole is one language, but there are different versions or dialects of it, and each differ by region. The three major versions I’ve encountered in my life are American English, British English, and Australian English. The differences are subtle between them, like spelling and how there are different names between the three for the same object. Australian English, which is what our wonderful Chief of Security is quite fluent in, is actually an interesting blend of both the American and English systems, with some unique terminology and rules thrown in for fun.”
“For fun?” Zan’via asked with a surprised expression.
“Yes, for fun. There are a few ways that Australian English, or ‘Aussie’ as it’s referred to sometimes, is easily distinguished against the others. And that’s one right there: shortened versions of words.” Kelly said with a smile.
“I do not quite follow.”
“It’s a joke, both to Australians and to foreigners, that they are a lazy bunch and will shorten anything that can be shortened. Australian becomes Aussie, service center becomes ‘serve-o’, names like Bermingham, Wilson and McDonald are turned into ‘Birm-o’, ‘Wils-o’ and ‘Macca’ respectively. That brings me to a second trait: nicknames.”
“The Chief’s full name and title is Head of Security Jesse Lynn-Michaels. When he was in the IMSF, he was Special Operations Chief Petty Officer Jesse Lynn-Michaels. That’s where he has his current ship’s nickname, Chief. It was a shorter way of calling his rank. The same carries across to any name or title if you’re an Australian, even if your name is relatively short. Occasionally he’ll call me Doc or ‘Kel’, or the Captain ‘Boss’. I’m sure he’s even shortened your own name from time to time.”
“You would be right on that regard, he constantly calls either me ‘Zan’ or ‘Zany’.” They said with what could be called a soft smile.
“See? It also serves as a benefit to tell when he’s being serious with you or not. If you hear him yell ‘Zany, get over here’, then you’re less likely to be in trouble than if he addresses you as ‘Zan’via’ or ‘Engineer’s Mate Third Class Zan’via Top’hei’.” Kelly stifled a chuckle as she saw the large alien being visibly shudder at the use of their full rank and title. “I guess some things are universal, right?”
“Agreed, and I see your point.”
“Good. Another classic hallmark which I’m sure you’ve noticed is the excessive swearing and use of rather frank terms and phrases.” Kelly said with a slight frown.
“That I have noticed; both him and his security team do sound more profane than other members of the crew.”
“Mhm. It’s another joke that Aussies don’t have a filter, and will often say what needs to be said at the expense of themselves and others. On one hand, this can be a benefit as you can safely assume that they are being genuine in their remarks. On the other, that same trait can get them into serious trouble. Do you think the Captain would have made those announcements in the same fashion, and with the same phrases?”
“I do not, it is safe to say that our Captain would have been much more formal and polite about the entire ordeal.” Zan’via said resolutely, their trust in the Captain surpassing everything else.
“Would you have paid attention through the whole thing?” The follow up caught them off guard.
“I beg your pardon?”
“If the Captain was the one speaking, would you have paid attention and remembered everything they would have said?”
Zan’via had to stop and think for a moment, recalling some of the longer briefings they’ve had to attend with the rest of the engineering department. The Captain was no doubt a good speaker, but they could admit that some of the time the Captain spoke could have been better spent on moving along with the subject matter.
“I do not like admitting this, but it is likely that I would forget some topics that they would cover.”
“You aren’t the only one, and that’s most likely why the Chief speaks so frankly and casually. It keeps the audience relaxed yet alert at the same time, and it also helps deflate any tension and unease when topics like sexual relationships are brought up. That said, Chief knows the limit, and if he started swearing and cursing with every second or third word he knows that he’ll lose his audience and risk getting himself in trouble.” Kelly’s datapad chimed at her from her pocket, and she quickly glanced at a clock on a nearby wall. “Oh, damn. Zan’via, I’ll be happy to continue this conversation later. I’ve got a patient in the Eye-See-You that I need to attend to.”
“Very well, ‘Doc’.” Zan’via said with a smile as the doctor stood up and hurried away.
‘I’ll have to ask her what certain words mean, next time…’
I notice my post are getting too long so for now on I’m going to try and short and sweet. Plus for some unbeknownst reason every time I do one of these post lately my computer sticks and I lose all my hard work. (It probably didn’t help that I threatened to put it down like a revenant scum)
So here goes!
The barn blows up and everyone dies!
Doc is stuck in the well, but gets out thanks to Steve who points out that Doc’s the Boss and is in control of the Revenants, and finds out that Waverly’s surname in now Gibson?? and that Wynonna’s Nedley is dead *sob*
*Sheriff* Nicole Haught is dealing with paperwork (and a Lonnie) when she notices that it’s nearly 12 o’clock and decides to freshen up
Just in time for an angel to arrive
Waverly Ear-Gibson has brought her some lunch
Pickles? Oh! now that tweet makes sense!
Waves needs to fill out a change of name forum for when she “marries” Perry, so Nicole fills it out for her.
September 8th right? *scribbles that down in note book*
Waverly nervous about getting married, saying it’s like running to a cliff getting ready to fall.
Waverly gets a text from Perry saying he’s outside, so she leaves while Nicole has lunch.
God damn it Lonnie! Let the woman eat her disgusting pickles in peace!
After facing Doll’s, getting knocked out by Nicole, stuck in a glass cell with Black Widow Mercedes, having said cell broken into by Black Widow Beth, and nearly getting shot by Jeremy (phew!) Doc convinces Jer that the time they’re in is altered and goes to find Waverly
But Waverly does not recognise him and then Dolls turns up so they have a shoot out (that does “not” involve Waverly!) with Dolls shot and on the floor Doc leans over him and gets shot by Dolls, but it’s his works to Waverly that’s hits the mark.
Waverly is upset that Doc is dead, but tells Nicole that he mentioned an Iron Witch, Nicole recognises the name and knows where to find her, Waverly asks her if they can go to her, Nicole says yes (unofficially)
Smooth move Haughtstuff
So, your marrying Perry but you’re sniffing another woman, hmm?
Jeremy finds Doll’s at the boarder, he’s dying and is happy he’s killed Doc, or so he thought
With his last breath, the name of love passes through his lips, and like said name, ceases to exist.
Waverly and Nicole find Gretta, she’s got one eye and her sister is still dead, she wants everything back the way it was and shows them the spell she’s worked on to try and lift the wish she made.
Soft Nicole, Warm Nicole, little ball of Love. Happy Nicole, Sleepy Nicole, wake the f**k up.
After visiting him once (which was supper creepy) Waverly frees psycho Bobo to help them get onto the Earp land
Bad Bobo! Bad!
While helping them to find where the talisman is buried, Bobo realises that this is another “tap” in his coffin
She most certainly is.
Nicole and Waverly take on the Revenants
and find Jeremy and Rosita hiding in the barn
Rosita tells Waves where the trophy is and goes outside to buy them some time
Waverly gets a call from Perry and tells him it’s not a good time because she’s in a barn covered in explosives
That’s what you get for staring at Nicole for too long
They need to destroy the trophy with fire, so Waverly decides to blow herself up
and so does Nicole
and Jeremy to
Um, guys? there’s like, no time for that.
And so, they blow themselves up
This looks like something out of Looney Tunes.
Jeremy thinks they should find out if Doll’s and Doc are back
Damn it guys, not again!
Waverly decides that to truly find out if the sell has been reversed (and see if Bobo is really back) they first need to find Wynonna
Laying on the Earp land, a big belly and it’s groggy owner begin to wake up
Could the “different” be that one minute you were talking to Doll’ s holding the plate, and the next minute you not only ceased to exist, but have somehow ended up laying on grass by where the third seal is broken by Bobo?
Typical Wynonna, who cares if the end is neigh when you’ve got grass in the ass.
Though hopefully now things will all work out, positive thinking can be helpful
Ace (Doc) - she’s the main captain of the group and Literally The Boss, at face value alone she seems like the kind of gem to have a name like that.
Rook (Navy) - she’s got a fuckin talent for scamming people out of information with her feigned innocence and ignorance, is actually one of the sharpest of the group!
Tank (Army) - she’s physically the toughest rube of the group and she loves to tussle, but she also doubles herself as a protector of her ruby friends.
Vet (Eyeball) - she’s got more experience in her left foot than the rest of them do in their whole forms! when it comes to facts and checking out unfamiliar territories, even the leader checks with her first before barrelling in.
Newby (Leggy) - she’s the newest of the group and still a little uncertain of this whole “mission” thing, but she’s trying her best! and with the guidance of her new friends and crewmates, she’ll be just fine!
Request: i love your guys’ work so much, this is the most enjoyable blog tbh!! could you do a dating lena luthor (jealousy) post? maybe even a fic? thanks so much!
a/n: this turned out a little dirtier than I had planned but oh well.
Written by Doc
With Lena being your boss you had to keep your relationship a secret, at least for now that is.
Neither of you expected to fall for each other but here you were, trying to act like your relationship was nothing but professional while at work.
Your fellow co-workers were under the impression that you were single which meant you were free reign to flirt with.
Lena had to constantly watch the other people you worked with hit on you and for one particular woman, Mary, it happened quite frequently.
It felt like Lena couldn’t even walk from the elevator to her office without seeing this woman pathetically flirt with you.
You had been so love-struck by Lena that you were completely oblivious to Mary’s advances.
“Y/N, can I see you in my office?” Lena asked from her doorway trying to keep her cool after seeing Mary sitting atop your desk looking down at you provocatively.
“You wanted to see me Ms. Luthor?” you questioned walking inside.
“Shut the door behind you and lock it,” Lena commanded, slightly lowering her voice during the last part.
You turned around and shut the door, switching the lock into place before walking over to her desk.
“Lena, is everything okay?” you said losing the professional tone in your voice.
Lena said nothing, instead she grabbed ahold of your shirt and pulled you in to kiss her.
It was a bit rougher than the usual kisses that you shared.
None the less you smiled when you pulled back.
“I thought we weren’t going to do that at work,” you teased.
“Some rules were meant to be broken,” she smirked kissing you again, boldly slipping her tongue in your mouth.
After a few minutes Lena now had you pinned against her desk and was fumbling with the buttons of your shirt but you reluctantly pulled away.
“Lena, we probably shouldn’t… at least not this time,” you chuckled out of breath, “I should get back to work before someone gets suspicious.”
“Who, like Mary?” Lena said suddenly annoyed.
“I mean yeah she can be a gossip but Mary’s nice,” you said shrugging your shoulders.
“When she’s not throwing herself all over you,” Lena stated without thinking.
“What are you talking about?” you laughed in disbelief.
“She was sitting on your desk practically giving you the grand view up her skirt with those ‘fuck me’ eyes of hers just fifteen minutes ago.”
“So that’s what this was about, you were jealous,” you said amused.
“Oh please Y/N, I am a sophisticated woman, I do not get jealous,” she scoffed trying to sound convincing.
“If you say so,” you chuckled smoothing out your shirt, “do I look as clean cut as when I came in here?”
She leaned in to whisper in your ear, “You’d look better if you were on my desk moaning my name.”
“As much as I’d like that right now, you should save that fantasy for when there aren’t so many people working right outside that door,” you grinned quickly kissing her one last time before heading back to your own desk.
Half an hour later you felt your phone buzz in your pocket, you took it out to see that you had a text from Lena.
‘My place tonight. 8. I have a brand new desk at home that should work just fine for what I have planned for you‘
You bit your lip in anticipation, just thinking about what Lena could possibly have in store for the night ahead.
‘Can’t wait’ you eagerly texted back.
Maybe you should Lena jealous more often you thought to yourself.
Just got back from getting an endoscopy. Let’s just say I’m going to frame the picture of the huge fucking ulcer I have then give it to my boss along with that doc note. It’s the size of a fifty cent piece. I’m so dehydrated it took them three tries to get an IV in and the second try probably hurt more than my ulcer. -Abby
I’m just imagining Leggy, Army, and Doc being smitten with Paddy Sapphire and being like these cute little suitors always trying to impress her and make her smile
Leggy bonds with her because she also has a hard time keeping up with what’s going on. They sit together and Leggy happily watches a butterfly while she waits for Paddy’s responses
Army shows off by punching stuff, then punches stuff harder when she hears Paddy’s delayed reaction of amazement. Punches any threat Paddy doesn’t see coming
Doc is a mess. She’s trying to act like the cool impressive boss ruby but she’s become a puddle of gay. Takes her for a spin in the ship while letting her sit in the captain’s seat with her
And Rhodonite is always hovering around suspiciously, because her ruby side knows rubies and their weakness for pretty girls, and her pearl side is a nervous over-protective mom, and she will not allow anything less than the best for Paddy
After releasing a film every three years since 2004, director Edgar Wright’s latest effort comes after a four-year gap due to his flirtations with Ant-Man. Baby Driver, an action film about a man named Baby (Ansel Elgort) who is a getaway driver, is perhaps Wright’s most commercially appealing film. With the box office to match and the film shaping up to a box office surprise to many this summer, it seems as though Wright has finally found some mainstream acceptance, at least in America. As with many directors who finally escape niche audiences and finally find themselves receiving applauds from the general public (without having to resort to their work being a “cult classic”), Wright has unfortunately compromised some of the frenetic fun of his early work. Though Baby Driver is nonetheless a quirky, funny, and often times surreal film, it winds up feeling wholly underwhelming with Wright ditching what made his earlier films work so well: characters.
Though Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz were both action comedies, they nonetheless had great central characters. The supporting cast got the same treatment in those action films and this was especially true in his other works, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and The World’s End. Unfortunately, this latest work gives very little for any character. Baby, a music-loving kid with tinnitus and who is in love with Debora (Lily James), is given very little depth even as the star. Beyond having a black foster dad and dead parents, it is hard to imagine what was supposed to be learned about the kid. He does not really grow and is never really given room to explore any bit of him beyond brief flashbacks to the car crash that gave him tinnitus and killed his parents along with a cassette tape that has a recording of his mom (Sky Ferreira) singing. Too often, Wright seems to rely upon old school musical classics as a shortcut to actually write dialogue between characters or characters’ backstories. It is often excusable when the supporting cast is lightly developed or if a film fails to develop many characters beyond narrative cliches when there is not a single protagonist. Unfortunately, beyond being a good kid with a bad past that has led to him being bound to crime boss Doc (Kevin Spacey) as a getaway driver, Baby gets no depth or nuance. As a result, it is easy to just roll your eyes with how pale he winds up being written.
This same problem is found with the entirety of the supporting cast. His girlfriend, Debora, is shown as being nothing more than idyllic yes man who does whatever Baby tells her to do. Leave work now? Sure. Travel the country right now with a guy you barely know? Sure. Let this guy just follow you home? Of course. She has no ideas of her own. No volition and, crucially, no motivation. Wright, likely, keeps it this way to make it easier to turn her into a stone cold badass at the end with her taking on Buddy (Jon Hamm) and trying to outrun the cops. Neither are convincing moments with how she is set up as nothing more than a young girl trying to make a living at a dead end job. Wright treats her as arm candy, lets her have a moment towards the end, and then reassures the audience she is nothing more than a dream girl from a song and relegates her to being nothing more than cute for trying to save Baby, but let’s let the men handle this one, eh? For Doc, he suffers from the same issue, but in reverse. Though he does seem to always like Baby, his turn from a hard-nosed criminal who will never let go of Baby to a soft and sentimental man who sacrifices himself to save his beloved driver is borderline comical. The film may be an action-comedy, but its absurd and ludicrous suggestion that Debora could go from quiet waitress to being Bonnie and Doc could go from being a true monster to being Sulley from Monsters Inc. carries no water. These two, despite their vital importance to the plot, are woefully underwritten. For bank robbers Buddy, Darling (Eiza Gonzalez), and Bats (Jamie Foxx), they are similarly underwritten. All of them are crazy and impulsive with no depth for any of the trio ever being considered. They are just nuts and cannot be trusted. With them all being treated as villains of Baby by the end, this cast of underwritten villains makes it apparent why Wright wanted to work with Marvel: his lack of knowledge of how to write a capable villain would be welcomed, instead of questioned. The only saving grace with the villain is a good motivation for why they become the villain, but it comes off of the back of too little development until then to really make it click.
Many of the film’s issues regarding character development can be attributed to the film’s issue with action. As an action film, one can only assume Baby Driver will have a lot of action. It is a great action film in this regard, but it winds up being a truly hollow experience due to its absolute, unquestioning devotion to going all-in on action. It never stops to take a break and allow us to really delve into these characters beyond those aforementioned small background items that really add nothing to the characters. Rather, its biggest departures from action come via introducing the relationship between Baby and Debora or rising action as the group plans a new heist. The former is there to just establish stakes for Baby and the latter reveals nothing about the characters. The end result is the film taking the three-step process of a brief scene where it half-heartedly shows some background information, rising action via heist prep, and then a prolonged car chase. It is a film that wishes to speed by and never stops to catch its breathe, leaving the audience huffing and puffing for air by the end. With multiple climaxes in the film, it feels as though each successive climax loses some of the power and weight rendering the film an action flick without a true defining climax. Its final showdown hardly counts with it ending up being a classic comically invincible bad guy ending where the villain dies multiple times before actually being dealt with. The showdown even lacks an effective car chase, instead devolving to nothing more than Wright playing bumper cars in a parking garage. For a film that had wound up feeling rather underwhelming until then - leading to intense self-doubt that it was truly that underwhelming - this cliche, predictable, and impeccably dull final showdown hardly convinced me to overlook the film’s flaws. In fact, it - along with the absolutely horrifically drawn out and pointless epilogue - solidified this one as being Edgar Wright’s worst film yet.
Now, Baby Driver is not all bad. When going against the tide of popular opinion, it is quite easy to get lost in defending one’s feeling instead of offering counter-points and positives for the film. Though the action goes on for far too long and dominates too much of the picture, it is impossible to deny that Edgar Wright did not knock it out of the park. While I would prefer a character-driven action film, Baby Driver nearly convinced me that an action-driven film is not that bad after all. With exquisitely designed car chases with fantastic driving from Baby, intricately designed set pieces, and a sea of moving pieces in each frame, Baby Driver has some of the best car chases ever put to screen. Exploring ever speck of the layout of Atlanta and incorporating a variety of cars, locales, and situations, Wright continuously innovates with the film’s chase sequences. For more classic fans of car chases, he opens with a heart-pumping car chase complete with spin moves, staying on the road, and evading the cops through nifty moves and smartly placed additional getaway cars. Later, for the off-road lovers in the audiences, he includes a scene where Baby and crew must fight off a vigilante with both driving off of one highway and jumping over to the next. Finally, for those who prefer foot chases, Wright even nails that one with an exhilarating foot chase when the getaway does not go completely to plan. Pulse pounding, thrilling, and thoroughly exciting in each of these moments, Baby Driver is a masterpiece of action set pieces.
As always, Wright also manages to make the film quite funny at times. Though every joke does not quite land - such as the exaggerated scene of Ansel Elgort dancing at the beginning of the film that is a bit too much like Tobey Maguire dancing in Spider-Man 3 to work - there are enough witty one-liners to really make the film enjoyable beyond the action. Though this is one Wright’s straightest works and relatively light with jokes, he can barely contain himself when a great joke set-up arises and he can toss in a moment to lighten up the mood. These jokes never distract from proceedings and, instead, flow quite nicely with the already exaggerated world of crime depicted in the film. It is natural comedy that is mostly funny and never intrusive, which is a rarity nowadays.
Though calling the film a “musical” is a bit like calling Captain America: The Winter Soldier a “political thriller”, Wright nonetheless nails the music. While I have never heard of any of the songs on the soundtrack - nor did I particularly enjoy any of them - the film makes perfect use of its soundtrack. It can become a bit distracting at times, but Wright continuously keeps the melody of the song in harmony with the events of the film and makes perfect usage of every song included. In future lists about “songs that were perfectly used in a movie”, Baby Driver will likely have much of its soundtrack included due to how seamlessly Wright was able to weave the songs into the very spirit of the film.
Perhaps one of the more under-valued elements of this film, however, is its old school aesthetic in the portrayal of Baby and Debora’s relationship. Meeting cute in a neon-lit, old school styled diner, Debora is rarely seen in anything but her waitress dress. An outfit that would have been prevalent for car hop girls in old time diners, it is really the defining characteristic of her character. This aesthetic is further defined in a brief flash forward in the middle of the film where Debora awaits Baby’s arrival at the car in black-and-white. Wearing vintage clothing, Debora sees Baby approach in a vintage polo and with his hair combed to the side. Though they bond over iPods and much of the music is quite modern, the relationship the couple embarks upon feels cut straight out of 1950s or 1960s America with a very homely, quaint, and classic feeling to it all.
A pulse pounding, thrilling, and truly exciting film, Baby Driver is Edgar Wright’s worst film yet. Trading in characters for endless action that leaves the audience gasping for air and praying for the film to end, Baby Driver is one of the more disappointing films of 2017 and is wholly unable to live up to the hype. Underwritten to a fault with a useless protagonist and worse supporting characters, Baby Driver ends up relying upon one defining characteristic or event as its character development. As a result, it feels entirely hollow with half-hearted stakes, emotion, and characters, that exist solely to allow for more car chases. Though the car chases are excellent, the film’s utter lack of compelling characters makes it a truly disappointing effort. Though far from a bad film as it is saved by those great car chases, Baby Driver shows that even under the guidance of an auteur, endless action still falls flat.
So I herd that it’s @things-all-love‘s birthday today and I wrote her a little Saezuru birthday ficlet. Just something smushy and happy because she deserves all the smushes and happiness.
♥ Gurl I hope you have a great birthday!
This is very AU and basically happens sometime during Volume 1.
“Hey,” Nanahara poked his head around one of the cabinets
in the file room. “I think tomorrow is Boss’ birthday."
Doumeki looked up from the shelf he’d been sifting through.
Although Yashiro ran a front for the Shinseikai group, his business actually
made money, which meant that some of their yakuza duties included office work.
Doumeki and Nanahara had been assigned a large box of miscellaneous papers that
needed sorting, and early on Doumeki noticed that Nanahara was easily
"You aren’t sure?” he asked quietly.
Nanahara scratched the back of his head, walking out from
behind the cabinet into full view. “Well, Sugimoto overheard the Doc
teasing Boss about it when they were there yesterday. He said they’re both old
Boss’ birthday… Doumeki’s heart lurched. He wanted
to do something for Yashiro, buy him something, give him something, show him
how much he was treasured. His mind flipped through dozens of ideas, rejecting
all of them, and he must’ve gotten lost in thought for too long because
suddenly Nanahara was snapping fingers in front of his face.
"Hey, we need to get back to work!” True to his
word he jumped back to his filing, then stuck his head out again only a few
seconds later. “Should we get him a gift? Take him out? I know he
Sex and sex toys.
It was amazing how unspoken words could echo through a room.
Both of them stared at each other, Nanahara wide-eyed with
realization, and then they quickly snapped back to their tasks.
Please do a McKirk 'I got in my car and you were sleeping in the backseat who the hell are you and how did you get into my car?' AU
I didn’t mean for this to turn out into like an action movie plot, but here we go:
It’s been a long day and all Leonard wants to do is drive home from his shift in the hospital and drink beers while taking a hot bath. That’s a thing, and it’s wonderful. Who says only wine is appropriate for hot baths? But his anticipation is short lived when, right before his apartment, Leonard becomes aware of groaning in his backseat. “What the– what?!” Leonard says, looking over his shoulder at the stranger in his car. There’s literally a guy in his backseat. “What the fuck!” Leonard curses, slamming the breaks so the guy almost slides off his backseat. Good. “Watch out, Jesus,” the guy says. Leonard parks his car and gets out, yanking the backdoor open and dragging this stranger out of his car. “Ow, ow- ouch! Hey, careful!” “Who are you and what are you doing in my car?” Leonard demands, hands on the man’s leather jacket. “Jim, I’m Jim. Just… let me sleep for a while, please?“
Jim is hurt. He passes out after that, and so Leonard -against better judgment- carries Jim up up to his apartment and he puts Jim down on his couch. Jim should really go to the hospital, because he’s pale and judging by the bullet hole in his side - he should definitely not be on Leonard’s couch. Leonard rips open Jim’s shirt and grabs his instrument kit, quietly getting to work. He grumbles softly under his breath about how his bath time has been ruined by this stranger in his car.
When Jim wakes up again, Leonard is sitting on the free chair, quietly sipping his coffee. “Where am I?” “No longer on the backseat of my car, that’s where,” Leonard replies. Jim’s hand moves to his wound, finding it taped off by bandages, and he looks down. “How did you…?” “I’m a doctor,” Leonard explains. “Tell me something, though. I work in a hospital. My car was literally in the parking lot of said hospital. If you were shot, why didn’t you just stumble a few more feet and went inside?” “I was shot in the hospital, I was trying to get out,” Jim explains. “What? No, that doesn’t sound right,” Leonard says. "If you got shot in the hospital, people would’ve heard.“ Jim shakes his head, slowly trying to sit up straight. “It’s a long story,” Jim explains, like he doesn’t really want to explain it any further.
Jim’s gone a few hours later, despite Leonard advising him not to move. Leonard doesn’t think he’ll ever see Jim again, and he’s fine with that. He just wants his warm baths after long shifts. Maybe read a book, or watch Netflix on his tablet. He doesn’t need anything else. But a few days later, when he slides into his car again, Jim’s back on his backseat. “What the f– damn it, Jim!” "Hey, doc,“ Jim says. He’s sitting up straight this time, legs stretched out over the backseat, laptop on his lap. “What are you doing here?” Leonard asks. “I’m hacking into the hospital’s security system.” “What?” “It’s a long story, and it’s classified. I’m starving, I’ll treat you to tacos, let’s go.” “I’m not going to go get tacos with you.” Leonard says.
Jim still doesn’t look completely healthy, though. He sits down gingerly in the booth of Ricos Taco Place while he’s holding at least three different tacos, french fries, a salad, and a large coke. Leonard just has a small wrap, and he’s honestly amazed at how much Jim’s eating. “Care to tell me what you’re doing with my hospital?” Leonard asks, and Jim sighs. “I’ve been tracking the hospital’s financing,” Jim explains, “each year several millions disappear to various accounts in the Caribbean and Switzerland. I’m just trying to find out what exactly’s going on.” “So someone’s committing fraud and it got you shot?” “Yeah,” Jim explains, “it was a merc, though. I don’t know who’s behind all of this.”
Leonard finds Jim in his car at least three more times. It startles him every time, because it’s not like Jim actually announces it. He’s just there, on Leonard’s backseat, making very little noise until Leonard’s almost home. And Leonard yells at Jim for a little while, and Jim lets him, then Jim treats him to tacos or other fast food.
And then Leonard overhears his department head literally talk about shifting money. He just happens to walk in his office at the wrong time, and he tries to play it off like he’s heard nothing. He smiles, subtly, asking his question, and then he turns around to leave. Quick paced. He’s definitely followed. Using the fire escape, Leonard rushes to his car and slides behind the steering wheel. He reaches out for his phone to call Jim, but then Jim is already sitting in his backseat. “What’s up, doc–” “Jesus, stop doing that!” Leonard says, “it’s my boss. It’s the head of surgery department, Jim.” “What?” “The swindler guy.” "Are you sure?“ Jim asks, and he sits up straight. A few seconds later, a bullet breaks the glass of Leonard’s car, and Jim ducks down. “Jesus. Okay, yes, I guess you’re right. Drive.” He orders, climbing to the passenger seat as Leonard speeds away.
Come nightfall, Leonard is fairly sure he’ll never sleep again. He’s been shot at, his car is totaled, and his hospital is under federal investigation. Jim looks fine, though. All detective-like with a badge in his hand, talking to his colleagues. Leonard watches for a while after he’s been questioned himself, but then when he’s free to go, he stops a taxi and slides in the back seat. “Hey, doc-” Jim says, apparently right next to Leonard in the back seat. “Wha-for fuck sake, Jim!” Leonard groans, slouching down in his seat and pinching the bridge of his nose. “How are you always in the same car as me?” Leonard asks, and Jim laughs. “I was just wondering if you wanted to get drinks.” “I’m going home.” “We can drink in your home, too,” Jim shrugs, and Leonard turns to look at Jim with a frown. “Are you saying you’re gonna join me in bath, too?” He asks, sarcastically, but Jim looks at him with such interest that Leonard immediately regrets that question. “Yes! Absolutely I will join you.” Jim says, and Leonard laughs. “You’re not joining me.”
Leonard can feel Jim smile smugly behind his back, but he’s really not caring right now. Jim’s chest is warm in the hot water. His hand is leaning just outside the tub, lazily holding his bottle of beer. “This was a very nice idea,” Jim says, and Leonard shivers when he feels Jim’s hot, wet fingers run through his hair. “I don’t remember saying you could join,” Leonard says. “You’re not complaining now though,” Jim says, and Leonard huffs. “I just need to relax a little,” Leonard says, his hand dipping under the water and resting on Jim’s leg. “I know other things that’ll help you relax a little,” Jim says, lips brushing over the side of Leonard’s head. And when his hand dips down over Leonard’s chest and into the water, sliding between Leonard’s leg, Leonard is definitely not complaining.
The confused grunts began to whisper to one another. Guzma had called them all together twenty minutes ago, he was now sitting on his throne staring at them. The boss took swigs of his flask in between grumbling, he tried to start speaking before stopping to have a smoke. He looked like a complete mess. Plumeria was sitting off to the side staring at the floor. She was sure she knew what this was about.
Finally, Guz stood up, cleared his throat a few times and began.
“The way I am is not exactly who I could be But who I would be was stomped by the opponent I thought I never could beat”
He looked around nervously at the grunts.
“I threaten you guys all the time with some ass beatings but I’m past beatings because i know how it was like when my ass was receiving. What I mean to say, and why I called you here today, I need to put my fear away so help me wipe this tear away.”
He smiled slightly. This was an emotional moment but he felt proud of himself for thinking up that last line on the spot. He then crouched and continued.
“I know you think reckless, what I want to get off my chest is, I have a huge problem and need y’all to help me best this. Except this, and some enemy on my checklist. If it was a fucking person I wouldn’t talk, I’d wreck it.
But this is a game of the mind, this shame of mine, hunting my from past and kickin my ass from time to time. So with this pain of mine I thought I wouldn’t explain the crime that made me who I am, inches from the danger line.
If you knew what I had to say you would say this way is crap, and I’m okay with that, how I deal away with shit is to spit my feelings in freestyle rap.
Let’s get it over with…
So half of you already know. My dad hit me. And you know I never spoke about. I kept it with me But now the shit is bottled up inside, I feel sickly
So I figured I’d get at this bitch before it gets me
I don’t know what I did that first set ‘em off, I let him off the hook cause I figured I was better off,
accepting the punishment for not trying harder, it went farther and eventually it was life that I’m a part of
He always had a temper, never tried to hone it
And that’s affecting me so I’m trying to own it
He paused. Despite the intensity of emotion he was more upset that he had missed his next rhyme. He took a deep breath and a long drag from his cigarette.
“When something went wrong he’d talk like it was all about me
Whatever I’d say he’d doubt and again he’d beat the shit out me.
He made me doubt me.
He’d make me feel bare inside
Ya boi seems tough but back then I was terrified
There was nowhere to hide
At home I felt dead inside
At school I felt free yet the future kept me petrified.
One time when I was told to clean the bathroom, he walked away
Said that he’d be back soon
I met him in the back room, I was done I thought he’d enjoy it
When he saw a spot I missed he bashed my head through the fucking toilet
Once when I was ten or so, he grabbed by my little throat
Held me up to his level, I was scared my pants were soaked
He looked at me with those crazy eyes I grew to abhore
Then he slammed me down and my head broke through floor
I remember a time when I was lying on the ground
With my hands and feet up, he just kept being me down
I tried to block my face but my attempts were useless
He kept me outta school a week to hide the bruises
I could tell stories like these ones all day
But I’d rather skip ahead to the point where i wasn’t afraid
I grabbed his favorite nine iron, the one he likes to use on me
Then when into his room to show him true brutality
It was the fucking moment I waited for, I was hyped the day before
I had planned to do this LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU TAKE ME FOR
YOU’LL NEVER HIT ME AGAIN IS WHAT I SAID TO HIM
NOW A GROWN MAN WAS CRYING WHILE I CONSIDERED SMACKING HIS HEAD AGAIN
THAT SON OF A BITCH I MADE SURE HE WON’T FORGET IT
MY ONLY REGRET IS NOT YELLING ‘FORE!’ BEFORE I DID IT
I took care of him, that pain will never come again
But now I look in the mirror and realize I’m becoming him…”
Guzma had put everything into that. He fell to his knees and stared down at the floor, watching teardrops form below him. The grunts were silent, having no idea how to take all of this. Until one spoke up, “but … that’s bullshit! You’re nothing like that!”
Then another. “Bro he was hitting a little kid, you wouldn’t do that!”
“My mom was like ya dad and that’s why I’m here, I feel safe here!”
One by one the grunts chimed in; a few said they were abused as well. A few said they wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for the boss. Emotions flooded the room as people reassured Guzma and shared their past experiences; what they did to escape and the times that they couldn’t. Sadness turned to happiness as drinks were poured and light hearted stories were shared. There was a brief awkwardness when the boss showed them the bent golf club he had kept, but this too turned to laughter when one of the grunts shouted, “here’s a joke! Guzma walks into a club….”
The rest of the night went on like this and slowly ended up with the grunts and the boss all sleeping around the throne. Guzma had fallen asleep on Plumeria’s lap. She was stroking his hair looking down at his awkward half open mouth. She frowned, picturing this goof as a small child, ragdolled by life. She leaned down slowly towards his ear and whispered, “It’s ok… You’re safe now. You’re not there anymore..” A tear fell down her cheek, landing onto his.
Two grunts found themselves trekking through the woods far behind skull mansion. They stayed low and made their way out into a clearing.
“We shouldn’t be doin’ this!”
“We has to. It’s not right. He shouldn’t be goin’ to that doctor; they’re messin’ up his head!”
“But he’s been feelin’ better and shit. This is good for him!”
“Yeah but it ain’t natural!”
They kept walking until they came across a small shack. Slowly the two of them crept up to the window and peeked in. Inside sat a grunt in the corner and two chairs. Guzma was sitting on one of them and an Alakazam was sitting on the other.
“Sheesh how much of this homework shit do I gotta do doc? Do you write this shit to torture people?” the boss said to the Pokemon.
The spoon in the alakazams hand bent slightly.
“FINE but when is it done. I mean i’m glad I started going to therapy but i don’t wanna turn into no wuss.”
The small grunt shot a glance at the two outside, causing them to duck under the window.
“See, there like brain controlling him or some shit,” one whispered.
“But he’s happy now. Maybe he wanted this…”
(thanks for all who read this it was fun as hell to put together. thanks again to @supersquiddle for putting it together! at best this whole thing has been a fun way for me to talk about shit ive been dealing with and use real examples in order to, hidden blatently behind the guisse of fan-fiction. fun shit.)
wynonna earp 2x06 (or: nicole encourages folks to do drugs)
I’m still not over that being an accurate description of the episode, but on to plot things!
Wynonna’s er, a little bit, y’know: Letting everyone know what’s up was very quickly handled, and what a fantastic use of plot to both a) work with the real-life constraints of Melanie Scrofano being 6 months pregnant at that point b) hint that something is up with this Earp baby
Wynonna’s most vulnerable when Nicole finds out by stumbling in, and I adore that all Nicole does is check if Waverly knows and then immediately focuses on the plan for the townsfolk. <3
Dolls finds out and his initial reaction of concern was great but then….takes a turn I’m pretty Meh about? Like, am I supposed to understand that the reason he’s pissy at the end and kills that guy that got blackmailed is because Wynonna’s pregnant by Doc?
In an inverse of the above, Doc’s initial reaction was almost infuriating but that note completely overcame it. Both the fact that he had the forethought to write it in case Wynonna didn’t want to speak to him and the contents of it.
Jeremy of course already knew and never brought it up because that would be rude, y’know?
The ‘This is a team of Soft Goobers’ Alert: Figured I might as well make this a recurring section because I Feel It In My Heart every episode.
Wynonna being all “Hey, you can call me when Tucker’s being a nuisance” to fake!Mercedes, even when she’s dealing with Dolls possibly wanting to make things serious, her pregnancy, the other demons chilling in the triangle, and y’know, the other 66 Revenants.
Nicole and Waverly’s scene where they continue to be the Softest Couple I have ever shipped and very eloquent about said softness
“I missed you like, so much” Meanwhile, over in Dolls and Wynonna land we have far less eloquence but also lots of Dolls being soft on Wynonna which I adored until his sudden change in attitude. Legit, I cheered out loud when they kissed and after that I was =(.
Dolls reminding Waverly “No cutesy callsigns”
Nicole wants to wake up all the townsfolk! Nicole wants to move people who are outside to safety!! Is looking out for the regular citizens of Purgatory!!!
Wynonna being Impressed with Nicole’s Illegal Tucker-tracking
As good of a line that was, I was lowkey hoping for Nicole’s response to be “actually once I had Nedley’s files I filed a very legal warrant” and for Wynonna & Dolls to be bewildered because…procedures?? legality?? since when have they care about that???
again one of those I appreciate it as a character moment but am currently pretty meh on media showing cops breaking the rules For Good Reasons
AllOfficer Haught wants to do is her job (and Waverly): For the record, her current Getting Wrecked count is a solid 5.
An unexpected level of good Wynonna-Nicole content??
Wynonna finally calling Nicole out for her ridiculous googley eyes at Waverly, and also Nicole head-dipping in response instead of having anything snarky to say!!
Wynonna bugging Nicole for cases and Nicole continuing to do her paperwork while dryly responding
Nicole listening to Wynonna’s instructions to get Tucker and trusting her
I liked how that standoff in Waverly’s room played out. Not rad gun skills but Nicole noticing that Poppy (sp?) was holding something that could be used as a weapon and would do so.
Probably didn’t expect that Dolls would ever see her naked, but here she is and she has to live with that.
- BBD boss says to Dolls: “Black Badge isn’t a governance agency; it never was”
- When the Fireman says “BBD recruited you when you were a child” and Dolls says that BBD isn’t a cult, the fireman seems to think otherwise
- Contracts in blood do scream CULT rather than agency
- they recruited both Dolls and Jeremy as kids, what kind of agency does that? None. But cults do this all the time
- Dolls and Nicole are obviously investigating the cult, but Dolls would also want what happened to BBD, it seems to have vanished
- what if BBD instead IS the Cult of Bulshar? Maybe they’re investigating that (please stop with the double Agents thing I’m already Tired™)
- it would explain BBD interest in Purgatory, in the baby (Alice) and in demons in general and how to resurrect them
- let’s not forget they had the widows trapped the whole time and brought them right back to the Ghost River Triangle, where they could accomplish their goal of releasing Bulshar
[This imagine was requested by@mainstreamed-maddy thank you all for your patience, requests, and love. All requests are accepted. I hope you all enjoy! MILD TRIGGER WARNING: THERE IS A DELICATE SCENE IN REGARDS TO AN ACCIDENTAL/SOMEWHAT ON PURPOSE SUICIDE ATTEMPT]
I had been in the guest bedroom (that has never once been a room to any guest) for a little over two hours. Mister J rarely came in here so it seemed like the opportune place to be alone for a while, then again, he wasn’t even home so I was alone anyway. I lay curled up in the faux fur lined hanging egg chair, silently crying while wrapped up in my fuzzy pink blanket with a few empty bottles of wine and a box of chocolates. Now as a rule that Mister J and I both oddly saw sense in, we don’t drink. We can serve alcohol, we can hold an alcoholic drink just for show, but we never take even a sip. There was a method to our madness, you see. Alcohol only made my voices more prominent, they only made us more unstable and unpredictable. The reason why we worked, the reason why he had gotten so far is because he was crazy, I was crazy, but we were the smart kind of crazy. We were reckless but our risks were calculated for the most part, there was always a plan. Give us any sort of narcotics and the whole world burns. I’m not one for breaking, I can take more hits than most, but sometimes it’s not the physical blows that break you. So, there I was, sobbing into a pillow, completely pissed drunk with little whispers in my ear… and then he walked in. He was on the verge of saying something about the club and in the middle of unbuttoning his shirt when he stopped in his tracks. Nonchalance wasn’t going to fix this, but my drunken mind thought otherwise so sniffling, I wiped my eyes and sat up. “H-H-Hiya P-P-Puddin’, what’s wrong?” His eyes flicked to the few bottles of wine I had with me and his eyes narrowed, “Those better be sparkling water, Y/N, or we’re going to have a problem,” he growled. I crumpled then, my sobs coming out heavy and fast and I rose gripping one of the bottles by its neck. “We already, have a problem, Mister J,” my speech was mumbled and slurred. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I scoffed, throwing the bottle at him and he sidestepped, watching it hit the wall and shatter before his cool blue-grey eyes focused on me. “I don’t like you drunk,” his tone was clipped, angry. “You don’t give a damn about me, don’t even gimme that, Mister J,” He has never cared, you’re just his toy. There are thousands more just like you. Batman knows it, Mister J knows it, but poor little Y/N can’t face the music. The voices whispered and I smacked the side of my head with a violence, yelling out for them to stop. Mister J looked at me in a way my brain couldn’t process and he shut the bedroom door. “I want you to tell me what this is all about, doll.” He knows, he is just playing with me now. Always playing, always playing, always fucking playing. I stumbled a little, still holding my head because the voices wouldn’t shut up and Mister J began again. “Who made you cry?” Who? Who? “You silly, but you don’t care.” He rolled his neck, cracking it, a tick that always meant he was angry, irritated, or feeling something. “Careful, doll. Now I don’t recall saying anything genuinely rotten to you tod-” “That’s right! That’s right, did you hear that?” I giggled, a sad and twisted little giggle when I realised he wouldn’t have heard what the voice in my head had said. “It said, you wouldn’t give a shit if I fell off this here balcony.“ I backed up, pulling the door open and he advanced slowly. “Now why would it say such a thing, why would you think such a thing?” He said it in a curious way… in a way that made me even more sad because why would I question him? Why would I think such bad things about my puddin’? Always in your head Y/N he is always in your head, mixing you up, but now you see. But I don’t want to see! “You can make a thousand more of me,” I felt empty now, tapping my forehead gently, and my back hit the guard rail. “I don’t want to make another one, I want you, do you understand? Aren’t you happy? Don’t you love me? Why are you doing this?” He asked in a voice softer than silk, he was trying to calm me I think. Or trick you. The voices whispered. “I fell for your stories… for your lies… The Bat made me see, don’t you understand? The Bat, told me how stupid I was for thinking you could ever,” I lifted myself so I was sitting on the guard rail. “Y/N,” he growled. “Ever. Care about me.” I let go of the railing so all I would have to do is tilt my body backward and that would be it. Do it, Harley. Jump. Jump. Hitting my head I screamed again for the voices to stop, my voice hitching as I fell back. Oh! “Puddin!” “NO!” But he had me, his hands curled around my ankle and I stared down at the little cars and realised I could have just been a mangled heap all the way down there. Leaning up I grabbed his arm and he released my leg, yanking me up and over the rail and we fell back. He clutched me to his chest and I sobbed, I held onto him for dear life and I sobbed into his chest while he stroked my hair. Whether from exertion or… something else his heart was beating hard and fast. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I whimpered. He didn’t say anything for a moment, he just lifted me into his arms and carried me back inside, yelling for Frost who entered promptly. “Yeah, boss?” “Grab the Doc, she has been drinking,” And with that he was gone and I was still crying but I felt weak, tired, my head lolling and in a moment of tenderness his lips brushed the heart on my cheekbone. “We’ll fix you up Y/N… we’ll make it right.”
I woke up feeling better, there was an I.V in my arm that was pumping me with fluids to eradicate the alcohol in my system. Mister J was sitting beside me, absently playing with his hunting knife. “I don’t like it when you’re presumptuous,” he said. Licking my lips I sat up, cupping the side of his neck with my hand and he looked at me then. There was an angry, frustrated, and confused look in his eyes and I brushed my nose against his. “I know… I’m sorry… he got into my head. He… he found my weakness,” Mister J’s confusion grew, and I squeezed his hand, “You. He made me doubt-” “Don’t you ever do anything like that again or I’ll kill you myself,” He left me then, moving towards the door but he paused for a second, turning his head but he didn’t look at me. “The Bat will hurt for this, for you.” And with that he was gone, it was the only thing I needed. It was his way of saying I do care about you, whatever he said was wrong. It was his way of telling me that I mattered to him in the only way he knew how and that was more than I could ever ask for.
[I might make this scene longer for fun or recreate it in Mister J’s point of view further down the line but I am not sure. I am happy with it, I hope you guys are too. Feel free to message me with requests, feedback, or even if you just want to chat.][I also sincerely ask that none of my work is posted elsewhere and in the event that it is please at least credit the author. Thank you]
So I have a really funny story from Saturday and it involves good old Jackaboy! So I got to go swimming in a friend’s swimming pool last week and the water really messed with my ears. So on Saturday I went to a walk in clinic near where I live. When I was called back and waited for what seemed like forever, my doctor came in and started checking me over. On this particular day I decided to wear my ‘Like a Boss! Jacksepticeye’ shirt, and the doctor took one look at it and began to read it. This was our honest to God conversation:
Doc: “Like a Boss, Jack… Septic… What?”
Doc: “Exactly who or what is that?”
Me: “A Youtuber. He got the nickname Jack from his mother and the Septiceye portion from a friend when a ball hit him in the eye and it later became infected.”
Doc: *laughs* “The shirts people wear nowadays. And he kept the name with septic in the title?”
Doc: “Well you tell Mr. Septic Eye to keep his eyes clean and from getting infected again.”
Me: “Yes sir. I will make sure that he knows.”
Turns out I had a sinus and an ear infection, but I thought this was a really funny and interesting conversation I have ever had with a doctor😂 Hope you enjoyed reading this @therealjacksepticeye