“But how do you know if you’ve never had a romantic relationship?”
Ignorance is bliss, my friend.
“Everyone has a special someone waiting for them.”
…and what if they’re waiting for me in Australia? If there’s only one special person out there for me, it’s statistically unlikely that I’ll ever meet them. No thanks.
“You mean you can’t feel love?”
Uh, there are other types of love, and if you start arguing that, I’m gonna phone your mama and tell her you don’t love her.
“But you seem so nice…”
Well if you keep this up I’m gonna start being not nice.
“Were you abused or something?”
Short answer: It doesn’t matter AND it’s none of your business.
Long answer: I want you to go ask your boss that, and if they answer without firing you, come back and I’ll answer it too.
“I just want you to be happy.”
Wait, you mean you can’t be happy if you’re single? Wow, you must be miserable right now. Sucks to be you. I’m on cloud nine, myself.
“Don’t worry, you’ll find your other half someday.”
Wow… How does it feel being half a person? It must suck to need someone to complete you. I’m glad I’m not broken like that. I come with all my accessories and batteries included.
“You’re just a slut.”
Yes, I am. Excuse me while I put your name on the list of people who are never getting in my pants.
No, I’m not. Excuse me while I put your name on the list of people who are never getting any money when I win the lottery.
“You’re just a late bloomer.”
Late bloomer? Have you seen my high school photos? I sure as hell bloomed. I was one the kids who won puberty.
“You’re just a closet gay.”
You know what? You’re absolutely right. Let me just leave. Oh, I’m sorry! Did I slam your in the face with that closet door?
“You’re going to die alone.”
Wow, you’re psychic? I am too, and I totally just had a premonition where you die of asphyxiation five minutes from now.”
“But I love you.”
Darling, you ever hear that phrase: ‘If you love someone, let them go’? Let me the fuck go.
“You’re a psychopath.”
Yes, I am. And now I’m going to eat your liver with some fava beans and chianti.
“So you never want to get married?”
Actually, I’m already married, to Will Smith. Don’t tell, it’s a secret.
“So you never want children?”
Wtf does that have to do with anything? I love children. I especially love them grilled with tabasco sauce… haha just kidding! For real though, I’m naming my first kid Jesse.
That’s right. Kids freak me the fuck out.
“Oh, you’re just a speshul snowflake.”
Yes, I’m unique. You, however, are just a mindless conforming automaton.
“Don’t you mean asexual?”
If you’re having trouble hearing, maybe you should pull your head out of your ass. Just a little, you know, so the ears show.