i commissioned this piece from the kind and talented @mesknoxx as a companion to chapter four of my fluffy season three fix it fic – we don’t talk very much (we just fake being nice) – in which clarke and lexa attend an azgeda coronation ball. this is the artist’s rendering of the dresses they wore.
So I know Steve is in those school detention videos, but do they ever try to get you to be in any of them too?
they tried. they did not succeed.
this occurred for two reasons. 1. steve made those videos while i was still with hydra, so i wasnt around then. and after i came back and they asked me to do them, i watched steves videos and saw how dumb he looked. so i passed.
and 2. steve only did them in the first place because he got blackmailed.
so back during the war, steve had a reputation among the howlies as being terrible with women. which he was. so every so often when we were on leave, one of us would get it into our heads to try and help stevie develop some sort of game, in hopes that we would have to listen to him pine for peggy carter less.
he did a lot of pining.
we were all hanging out at a bar near camp after a stressful operation, killing time before the next transport turned up. morita was running late because he was getting a stark update for his radio kit, but the rest of us were already a few drinks in and well on our way to heckling steve into doing something dumb.
(we didnt have tv back then, so we had to get our entertainment somewhere. and let me tell you, steve is better than the kardashians in terms of just-cant-look-away decision making.)
so dumdum had convinced steve that he had the perfect line, and all steve would have to do was walk up to some dame and say it. steve obviously wasnt interested in anybody but pegs, but he admitted that a bit of practice just holding conversation with a lady would probably do him some good. dumdum pointed out a lovely dame with long brown hair and a WASP uniform sitting up at the bar, whispered the line in steve’s ear (because he didnt trust the rest of us with his perfect line) and sent steve off.
we watched as steve made his way over and sat down. he’d never looked more awkwardly enormous as he did wedged into the bar stool next to that tiny dame. he flagged down the bartender, ordered a couple drinks, and turned to deliver dumdum’s line.
except that right then, the bartender slid the drinks down the bar to him, and his arm caught them both as he turned.
so he delivered the line and then promptly doused the dame in two pints of terrible beer.
that’s when morita showed up. and just as the lady delivering a really lovely slap across that chiseled-as-rushmore jawline, jim morita says:
“what the hell is steve doing with my wife??”
because it turned out his wife was a civilian pilot who’d joined the Women’s Airforce Service Pilots, and happened to be the transport pilot we were waiting for. none of us even knew he was married. he and his wife both kept their rings on their tags under their uniforms. her name was jenny, and she thought the whole thing was pretty damn funny.
she and steve both refused to divluge what exactly the line had been. but it must have been pretty bad, because when jenny and jim morita’s son found steve after the war, he used it as blackmail to get steve to do those videos. turns out he’s a high school principal somewhere in queens. and he’s on some sort of educational board that makes those things.
but morita never had any blackmail on me to pass along, so i got out home free.
Hey quick reminder that Preston and Harrison are, in fact, assholes?
And before you ask, YES they are my favorite characters, and NO I am not trying to hurt anyone by saying this. I’m just stating the facts: Preston is a self-absorbed jerk, and Harrison has a twisted sense of what’s okay and what’s not.
Before y'all can react and yell at me, let me justify myself:
Harrison is adorable and I love him, but damn the boy’s got problems. See for yourself:
-He has basically scarred Max for life by making him cough up ribbons and bouquets and god knows what else, and his response to doing this was ‘i was trying to hit Neil but oh well.’
-He tricked Neil into believing in magic by making him think Nikki’s life was on the line.
-He pushed Nerris into a lake because he wanted to look like he was helping her out…then nearly drowned them both.
-He broke his and Nerris’s egg, then put the hat back on Nerris’s head—wtf bro
-He offered to saw his parents in half, which on hand is great and all but on the other hand REALLY HARRISON you know your magic is kind of faulty and still you wanna try pulling this shit??
Preston isn’t really problematic like that.., he’s just a jerk that people like to pretend he’s not. He scoffs at everyone’s acting, he screams like a banshee at his grandma, he has some of the best lines in the show (‘my acting career, like the mistakes of so many teenage girls, has been…aborted’)—hell, even when he was being abused by Nurf he maintained his sass levels ('im a terrible parent!’ 'you really are, nurf.’) We are dealing with the loudest, most savage shakespeare ever—and yet people transform him smol cupcake.
Look, I don’t hate these characters. In fact, I adore them. I would kill a man for them. I would take them in my home, and pay good money for their education.
And there’s the thing… when I talk about loving these characters, I mean THESE characters. Not these shy, Tortured™ versions you guys have created.
Did Preston and Harrison have to got through some serious shit? Yes.
Does that make them any less asshole-y? No.
Treat them like the obnoxious drama queen and mag-prick they are, and make them SHINE.
“Darkiplier VS Antisepticeye” is Mark’s Effort to Take Back Control From Dark: A Theory
(Disclaimer: I know nothing about any of Jack’s egos, so this is entirely about Mark’s. Disclaimer 2, Electric Boogaloo: I had my Frosted Mini Wheats like two hours late today, and that threw off my groove, so I’m sorry if I’m less eloquent than usual. Disclaimer III- This Time, It’s Personal: The only reason this isn’t under a read more is because someone told me to do that last time, but they weren’t very nice about it, so now I’m being petty. I’m sorry for being the worst. I still love you guys, though.)
In my last theory, we discussed the possibility that Dark is trying to take back control through more subtle means this time, and that he has a plan that we didn’t get to see during Markiplier TV. He’s been slowly giving hints of his existence in videos, teasing just enough to get people talking. He hasn’t revealed himself outright in any videos since Markiplier TV; he hasn’t denied being in them, either.
Mark quickly dispels rumors about Darkiplier when they’re not true. Why, then, would he not clear the air during the chaos of World’s Quietest Let’s Play 4, or any other video that has stirred up the community a great deal more than this photo ever did? The logical train of thought, then, is that these really were Dark appearances and we are supposed to know it. So, if Dark has been going about this so carefully all along, why would he reveal himself by sharing the spotlight in a comedy sketch? The short answer is that he wouldn’t. The reality is… say it with me now… it’s just Mark impersonating Dark!
Yeah, I know, no shock there. You’ve been hearing that since the video dropped. I talked about it when answering an ask, which I’m screenshotting and dropping below for your convenience, because I’m just a nice gal like that.
So now we have to ask, why would Mark do this? If Dark really is starting to take back control, this would be a dangerous time to pull a stunt like this, wouldn’t it? Well, it makes sense when you consider the fact that Mark has all but run out of options.
Every time Dark is hinted at, the community goes wild. It doesn’t matter how subtle the hint may be- if the lights in the background of a video are red and blue, someone will point it out. Someone will draw him. Someone will get excited. And then, over time, everyone will get excited.
Even if Mark tried to warn us, it only fueled the fire.Reaching out for help, trying to tell us that Dark is here– it is exactly what Dark wants. So Mark now has to try a different tactic. The only way that Dark can lose at this point is if he loses his allure to the viewers, and the only way to do that is to use his own method against him: Dark is pretending to be Mark, and now Mark is pretending to be Dark in order to discredit him. More specifically, he’s trying to get Dark out of the way, impersonate him, and make a fool out of him. That sounds… familiar, doesn’t it? Have we heard that somewhere before?
What if I change up the tense a little and word it a bit more like this?
“Pushed aside. Replaced. Mocked.”
That rings a few more bells, doesn’t it?
When we put all of these things together, a picture starts to form: Mark kept Dark at bay for years by making him a joke, but then he made the mistake of letting down his guard. Letting him back in. Now, Mark is fighting back using the only method that he has ever known to work. Why wouldn’t it this time? Making silly edits, taking over Mark’s twitter with edgy, emo poetry… it was enough to dissuade the community last time. So what could make it fail now? How could humor no longer be sufficient to drive Dark away?
The key difference this time is that Dark is not simply a wisp of a presence like he was years ago. He can’t be laughed off anymore. He is here. He is real. He is powerful. He does not like to be mocked, and this action from Mark will most definitely have consequences.
And the blame for that, really, falls on all of us. As Mark said all those years ago, we made Dark real. Back then, he had to resort to humor to keep Dark at bay, because none of us would listen to him when he warned us. Now, history’s repeating itself, but the outcome isn’t so sure this time. We learned nothing in the process. Now Dark has become too strong, because we, the viewers, keep letting him back in. Mark tries to tell us that Dark is here and we are thrilled about it.
So, really, the question isn’t, “Why would Mark do this?”